How to Catch a (Rock) Star (The Dead Hour #1) (21 page)

‘I’m sorry.’

She didn’t register him walking away from her, didn’t hear the door open or close. She didn’t savour the last few seconds they had together. Took no notice of the pain in her legs until the pins and needles were so bad she had to change position. She let herself fall sideways on the sofa, the pain in her cramped legs sparking her brain into action.

‘I love you,’ she whispered to the still, empty room, the words escaping her lips too late.

She closed her eyes against the realisation that he was truly gone. Everything was gone.

CHAPTER THIRTY ONE

Lillie opened the cab door and stood on the pavement whilst Johnny got her case out of the boot. He set it down and enveloped her in a tight hug. Lillie held him close, every second of him was as close as she was going to get to Jed and she wanted to relish them. He pulled away gently and she let him go reluctantly. Pushing her sunglasses up onto her head, he smiled sadly.

‘I’m really gonna miss you, Lil. Don’t give up. The singing, I mean,’ he clarified quickly, seeing a glimmer of hopeful light come into her puffy and bloodshot eyes.

‘You don’t think, maybe, he might – ‘

Johnny shook his head.

‘I’m sorry, Lil. I know him and, after Sarah, he just can’t.’

He hugged her again, squeezing extra tight before letting her go.

‘I’ll speak to you soon, okay? Safe flight babe.’

He kissed her cheek and opened the cab door, flashing her one last sad smile before sliding in and shutting the door.

Lillie stood on the pavement, one hand on her suitcase as she waved him off. She took a deep breath and forced the tears back before wheeling her case into the airport. In less than eleven hours she would be back in England.

The flight home was long and restless. Lillie watched three movies but couldn’t remember any of them. She spent most of it crying quietly and drinking vodka. She couldn’t stand to see a bottle of Jack Daniels.

She had to switch channels when the movie she was watching had a male actor in it with dark hair and green eyes. She tried to sleep but she couldn’t clear her head of images of him.

She tried to eat but everything tasted of cardboard. So she drank and stared at the screen in front of her, waiting for the wheels to touch tarmac so she could get away from all these people with their American accents that tortured her.

Finally, she was off the plane, ignoring the concerned looks that people were giving her as she waited impatiently for her case to come shuddering through the plastic curtains onto the carousel.

She scanned the faces behind the barriers for Kate, finally spotting her, a genuine smile on her face for the first time in over twenty-four hours. She ran over, Kate ducking under the barrier to meet her halfway as they crashed into a tight hug. Lillie was crying again but didn’t notice, it was like breathing to her now. Kate pulled away and Lillie winced at the look of concern on her face.

‘That bad, huh?’

Kate smiled at her but didn’t answer, grabbing the suitcase with one hand and Lillie with the other.

‘Thanks for picking me up at this ungodly hour, Kate.’

‘Don’t be silly! C’mon, let’s get you home and have a nice cup of tea!’ She laughed and Lillie tried to laugh too.

‘I’ve got cake too and proper digestive biscuits – dark chocolate ones.’

In the car, Lillie flipped down the visor and looked in the mirror. Jesus, no wonder people were giving her a wide berth. Her face was grey, she could barely see her eyes they were so swollen with grief and her hair looked like she’d spent two hours backcombing it.

She sat back and listened to Kate small-talk her, noticing that she avoided anything that might link to him. Kate filled her in on the latest soap plots, talked about what she’d been learning to cook, movies she’d seen - anything but Chris, Deadly Hour or any kind of music.

Finally, they were at the apartment, Lillie thanking God that they were on the ground floor since her case was heavy and there was no lift. She collapsed into a kitchen chair as Kate put the kettle on and made tea. Lillie took a deep breath.

‘So, how are you and Chris?’ Despite her own spectacular fail as a rockstar girlfriend, she still wanted to know that Chris and Kate were okay.

‘Good, bit difficult being long, long distance but it’s fine.’ Kate stirred the milk in and put a mug in front of Lillie, taking the seat opposite her.

‘Anyway, I’m sure you must be tired and I put fresh sheets on your bed, so if you want to crash out,’ she gestured towards the hall and blew on her tea.

‘You can talk about you and Chris, Kate. Please don’t think you can’t. Just because I screwed up and destroyed the best thing that ever happened to me, doesn’t mean you can’t tell me stuff about Chris.’ Lillie tried out a wobbly smile, taking a sip of too hot tea to hide the tell tale tremor of her bottom lip.

Kate put her hand on Lillie’s and shook her head.

‘Why don’t you have a bath and try to get some sleep. Honestly, I love you but you look bloody awful.’ She laughed and looked gratified to see a more steady smile on Lillie’s lips.

‘Yeah, I do feel pretty exhausted. I didn’t get much sleep on the plane.’

Lillie did suddenly feel like she couldn’t keep her eyes open, the past thirty or so hours were definitely catching up with her. Kate’s phone buzzed through a text and she looked surprised when she read the message.

‘What? Who’s it from?’ Kate looked at Lillie as if she were deciding whether or not to tell her.

‘It’s Jed. He wants to know if you got back okay.’

Lillie’s mouth trembled and she felt the all too familiar stab of tears behind her eyes. Kate tapped out a quick reply and put her phone down.

‘I’m going to run you a bath and then you’re going to bed,’ she said and Lillie nodded her agreement, eager for her to be out of the room.

As soon as Kate was out of sight, she reached for the phone, scrolling through to Kate’s latest text, heart flittering madly as she read his words,

‘Hey Kate. Hope you’re ok. How is Lil? Did she arrive ok? Take care of her please. J xoxo’

Lillie let the tears fall as she held the phone to her heart. Her head spun from exhaustion, pain, heartache and regret. She re-read the message one more time, branding the words into her brain before putting Kate’s phone back on the table.

When Kate came back into the room, the tears were gone and Lillie was calmly drinking her tea. Kate gave her a suspicious look before sitting back down.

‘Do you want me to do some washing for you while you sleep?’

‘Thanks Kate, that would be great, I’ll sort it out for you.’ She got up and stood still for a moment, grabbing the back of the chair for support, black spots swirling in front of her eyes. ‘Stood up too quickly,’ she said, eyes refocusing to see Kate half out of her chair, looking scared. ‘I’m fine, just tired,’ she reassured her, waving her back into her seat.

She went into the living room and opened her case, closing her eyes as if she could ward off the smell of him that rushed over her. She started piling her clothes into darks and colours, hovering over the blue underwear and emerald green dress, trailing her fingers over the silky fabric, eyes glazing as she let herself remember before putting them back in the case.

She pulled out a dark grey t-shirt, shaking it out, her heart beating fast as she held it to her face, breathing him in, her tears soaking the thin cotton. She hadn’t even realised it was in there; she must have scooped it off the floor with one of hers. She inhaled him once more before closing the case and, clutching the t-shirt to her, wheeling it to her room.

Kate called out from the bathroom that the bath was ready and that she was popping out for some food but Lillie should just relax and try to get some sleep. She appeared in Lillie’s doorway and asked her if she wanted anything in particular.

‘No thanks, well, maybe a bottle of wine or two?’ Kate gave her a considering look before nodding and crossing the room to give her a big hug.

‘No chocolate or ice cream?’ she said, raising an eyebrow and smiling.

Lillie smiled back but shook her head.

‘I’m not really hungry to be honest,’ she replied, ‘thanks though.’

Kate hugged her again before leaving. Left alone, Lillie stood for a couple of minutes, before going into the bathroom and undressing. Sinking down into the warm water and spicy scented bubbles, she closed her eyes and submerged herself completely. She held her breath for as long as she could, lungs burning, before she pushed herself back up into the cold air, gasping for breath. She swept her hair back from her face, blinking rapidly and repeated the ritual twice more before reaching for the shampoo and lathering up her hair, rinsing and rewashing before covering the ends in conditioner and piling it on her head.

Finally she leant back, running over and over in her head the same thoughts. Why didn’t he tell her and why had she responded by sleeping with Steve? Had she even slept with him? It wasn’t like her and it still really bothered her that she couldn’t remember.

The water was tepid by the time she shook herself out of her reverie. She pulled the plug and stood up, turning on the shower. She rinsed her hair and tipped her face into the spray before turning up the heat and standing under the hot waterfall for several more minutes, only turning it off when she thought she heard Kate calling her. She stepped out and wrapped herself in a towel, calling Kate’s name as she opened the door.

‘Hey, feel better?’ Kate said, poking her head out of the kitchen and Lillie nodded. ‘I’m making toast, do you want some?’

Lillie shook her head but Kate said she was going to make her some anyway as she was sure she hadn’t eaten properly in the last couple of days. In fact, Lillie had only ingested alcohol, water and a chocolate mousse from her airplane dinner but she wasn’t about to tell Kate that.

She opened her case and realised that all her clothes were being washed apart from the green silk dress and his t-shirt.

‘Kate! Can I borrow some joggers and a hoodie?’ she called out.

‘Course, help yourself to whatever you want.’

Lillie could smell the toast. It turned her stomach.

She went into Kate’s room and staggered back as he stared out at her from a band poster on Kate’s wall. She put her hand out to steady herself and ripped her gaze away, concentrating on finding some comfy clothes to shrug on.

In Kate’s drawer, she hurriedly skipped over two Dead Hour t-shirts and the new band hoodie, heart beating so fast she thought it might burst. She pulled on a plain white t-shirt and purple joggers and went to leave the room.

But she couldn’t help herself, she turned in the doorway and stared at the image of him. He had on her favourite leather jacket. His green eyes drew her towards him and before she knew it, she was standing in front of the poster and stroking her fingers down his face, tears streaming, the tiny pieces of her already broken heart shattering into even more minute shards.

She smothered a sob and tried to pull herself together. Kate would come looking for her if she didn’t get to the kitchen and some tiny shred of dignity pushed itself into her head, forcing her out of the room and down the hall.

She stopped in the bathroom to blow her nose and splash cold water on her face. Not that it did much good. It was obvious she had been crying. Again.

She shuffled into the kitchen and sat at the table. Kate put a mug of tea in front of her and then a plate of hot, buttery toast. Lillie felt her stomach flip and she felt nauseous.

‘Please eat at least one piece, Lil,’ Kate begged.

Lillie reached out and took half a piece of toast, quickly biting, chewing and swallowing and then fighting the urge to throw it up. She forced herself to eat it, aware of Kate’s eyes on her face.

‘And the other half,’ Kate said.

Lillie raised her eyes and looked into Kate’s determined face. She sighed and picked up the other half, going through the same ritual, giving Kate a defiant look as she swallowed the last hateful bite.

‘Thank you. Now, I think you should try and get some sleep,’ Kate said. ‘You’re probably jetlagged to hell on top of everything else.’

Lillie dragged herself up and gave Kate a hug before disappearing into her bedroom. She turned on the TV not even bothering to change channels to something even ten percent decent. She crawled into her old bed, pulling the covers up to her chin and stared at the TV, letting the inane chat of the gormless blonde presenter and her z list guest wash over her and fill her head with unimportant and bland conversation. Before the credits rolled, she was asleep, blissful darkness smothering her and taking her down into the welcome blackness.

A while later, she was bolt upright, heart racing, her skin slick with sweat, mouth dry in horror. Her eyes focused on the TV screen but the image of him kissing a busty blonde was burnt into her retinas. She rubbed a hand over her eyes, trying to erase the horribly vivid vision of his hands on another woman’s body, his chest pressed against fake boobs, his beautiful mouth…

She swung her legs out of the bed and stood up. Glancing at the bedside clock, she saw that it was five pm. Good, she could have a drink without feeling like a rehab failure.

Kate was on the phone when she entered the kitchen, speaking in hushed tones with her back to Lillie. She backed up so Kate wouldn’t see her.

‘I don’t know, Chris. She hasn’t talked about it at all but she looks awful. Exhausted and lifeless. I’ve never seen her like this – she won’t eat, I had to beg her to eat one piece of toast earlier. When I asked her if she wanted anything from the shops, she asked for wine.’ She stopped talking for a minute.

‘Of course, I’ll keep you updated. Yes, I’ll tell her. I’m sure she would send her love to Johnny too.’ She went quiet again. ‘I love you too. I miss you.’

She hung up and Lillie crept down the hall back to her room and into bed again. She lay for a minute or two, trying to get up the energy to pretend she was okay. She didn’t want Kate worrying about her like that.

Kate was chopping carrots, jumping with a start when Lillie said hi.

‘Oh my God, you scared me! How are you feeling? Better?’

‘Yeah, lots thanks. I guess I just needed a good sleep.’ Lillie sat down at the table, ‘What are you making?’

‘Chicken soup,’ Kate replied without a hint of embarrassment. Lillie bit back a retort about how she wasn’t ill, saying instead,

‘Great, I love chicken soup. So, have you spoken to Chris?’

‘Ummm, no. Not today,’ Kate said, turning pink and concentrating inordinately hard on the carrot she was cutting up.

Lillie grimaced at her back. So she wasn’t going to tell her anything. Well, she would have to find out herself. She wondered briefly where she could get a phone bug.