How to Be Sick (22 page)

▶
Open your heart to your suffering
. Find words specific to the particular difficulty you’re experiencing and repeat them compassionately to yourself: “It’s so hard to be disappointed yet again.” Cultivate patient endurance by trying to maintain a calm state of mind while also not giving up on the possibility that future treatments may help. If you’re blaming yourself for the failure, remember that we’d never speak as harshly to others as we do to ourselves
,
as Mary Orr discovered. (See chapter 8)

▶
Repeat the loving-kindness phrases you’ve settled on
, directing them at yourself to soothe you in your disappointment. (See chapter 7)

▶
Breathe in the suffering of all those who have been disappointed by the results of a treatment
. Breathe out whatever kindness, serenity, compassion you have to give. Because you share this particular kind of suffering with them, the thoughts you breathe out will also be directed at yourself. (See chapter 11)

▶ When a thought about a past treatment persists (“I never should have tried it . . . I should have listened to my friend who warned me the treatment would fail”),
acknowledge the thought and then . . . just drop it
, bringing awareness to the present moment.

Try Byron Katie’s practice of stating what you’re doing physically
right now
: “Woman lying on bed, reading a book.” This will take you out of your repeating round of stressful thoughts and into the present moment. (See chapter 13)

 

 

▶
Try looking at your disappointment the way Ajahn Jumnian would: If the treatment worked, that would have been fine. It didn’t so that’s fine too; it isn’t what your body needed
. Try Ajahn Chah’s “Let go a little” practice—taking a baby step toward peace and equanimity each time you repeat his phrases. (See chapter 9)

▶
Take solace in the fact that you are not alone
; suffering is present in the lives of all beings. Recall Joko Beck’s teaching: your life is always all right; there’s nothing wrong with it, even if you’re suffering due to your extra responsibilities. It’s just your life. The good news from the Buddha is that there are practices that can help alleviate your mental suffering. (See chapter 3)

▶
Breathe in the exhaustion and frustration of all those who are shouldering the responsibility of caring for a chronically ill person
. Breathe out whatever kindness, serenity, compassion you have to give. Because you share this particular kind of suffering with them, the thoughts you breathe out will also be directed at yourself. (See chapter 11)

▶
Try to keep Don’t-Know Mind
, reminding yourself that you don’t know how long your loved one will need this extra attention. He or she might even feel better soon. Turn to the poetry of Zen to soothe your exhaustion and to feed it the medicine of laughter. (See chapter 15)

▶
Open your heart to your suffering
. If you’re feeling that family and friends could be helping more but aren’t, take compassionate action toward yourself by immediately making contact with them. Often people are just waiting to be asked to help but won’t make that first contact. Cultivate patient endurance by trying to maintain a calm state of mind while also not giving up on the possibility that future treatments may help. If you’re blaming yourself for not being a good enough caregiver, remember that we’d never speak as harshly to others as we do to ourselves
,
as Mary Orr discovered. (See chapter 8)

▶
Think of activities you could engage in that might be fun and relaxing for you or for you and your loved one together
. (See chapter 14)

▶
Look for ways to talk to others about subjects of interest that aren’t related to your loved-one’s illness
. (See chapter 16)

▶ If it suits you,
explore the Internet to see if you can find support groups or blogs written by people who are also in the role of caregiver
. (See chapter 17)

▶
Contemplate “Who Am I?”
to help shed the fixed identity of “caregiver.” (See chapter 5)