How The Cookie Crumbles (44 page)

“You cleaned the windows? Why?” I wondered.

“So you could see the view, and sunshine can come in. I know you have a maid once a week, but nobody does windows unless specifically asked and even then it’s extra. This is apparently a newsflash for you guys, but when Marta is not here, the toilet, the bathroom sink, and the kitchen are not self-cleaning. Even though we live in L.A., there is no secret troupe of magical creatures that scrub the place like a Disney movie once you close the door.” She didn’t look too upset though, and she went back to reading. I had sort of noticed that things were nicer, but I couldn’t exactly put a finger on why. Now that she mentioned it, the toilet bowl was a lot whiter.

There were other changes too. Cheery flowers bloomed in the empty planters in the yard. She rearranged the furniture in ways that were more comfortable. She didn’t make things all frou-frou, but everything was nicer.

When the guys came over for poker night, they noticed as well.

“Cookie! This place looks better,” said Duper when he walked in, “More like people live here.”

“We’re not people?” It didn’t look that much better, did it?

“So,” said D.J., “Where is she?”

“Who?” Well, I knew who, but I wondered what D.J. knew.

“This babe that Domer’s been talking about! He keeps coming to practice and getting me to guess what he had for dinner the night before. Apparently she’s cooking gourmet meals all the time.”

Right on cue, Frankie sashayed in from the kitchen with a plate of chicken wings that smelled great.

“Well, hello,” he said.

“Hi there, I’m Frankie,” she said cheerily. Tonight Frankie was not wearing a dress, she had on shorts and a red top. She had an apron on though, so she still looked like she was out of the past.

I did the intros. “Frankie, this is D.J., uh Dean Jones, and Gil Dupont.”

“I met Gil before,” Frankie hesitated, because she had met him at the nightclub in October when we were together. Her smile disappeared for a moment, but Duper started goofing right away and had her laughing. She didn’t stay in the room very long though, saying she had stuff to do.

“So, what’s the deal with Frankie?” Duper wondered.

Domer looked at me, but when I didn’t say anything, he explained, “Frankie’s staying with us while she does an internship at an art museum.”

“Nice,” D.J. said. “So, where’d she come from?”

“She’s a friend of Jake’s… from Kingston.” Domer glared at me, tired of explaining everything.

Duper grinned. “Oh Cookie, that’s so handy. You can get some Cookie-nooky, anytime you want! And with a body like hers, I’d want some every single night.” He laughed in a perverted way.

“It’s not like that,” I muttered. I didn’t want to say we weren’t together, because then the guys would be on her like white on rice. But if I said we were together, then Frankie might find out and get upset. So I didn’t say anything; they’d all assume the worst anyway. We sat down at the table where Frankie had already put out the cards and poker chips.

“Where’s Link?” Duper asked. “It’s not the same around here without a chance to take his money.”

“He’s out… picking china patterns,” I replied. I had almost shit myself when Link told me he’d be doing that instead of coming for poker night.

“That boy’s got it bad,” D.J. said. “You can’t let a woman walk over you like that. A man’s gotta have time with his friends.”

I nodded in agreement. “Domer, your turn to deal.” We started to play.

Lurch and Clarkie came later, and Clarkie went to get them beers, but came right back.

“Dude,” said Clarkie, “There’s a chick in your kitchen cooking. Is she like your maid or something?”

I laughed. “Yeah, we got a full-time maid. Me and Domer were sick of cooking and cleaning, so we put up the bucks to get someone to do it for us. She’s an awesome cook.”

“Really? That is a good idea,” he looked thoughtful. “She works kind of late, doesn’t she?”

“She sleeps here,” I motioned towards her room, where you could see girly cushions on the bed. “That way she can make us breakfast too.”

“Wow. But shit,” he hesitated and then spoke quietly. “She’s really hot. Don’t you ever get tempted to tap that?”

“Clarkie, you don’t sleep with the help. Everyone knows that. We’ve got a sweet deal, and we don’t want to blow it, right Luke?”

Domer nodded but didn’t say anything. I looked at Clarkie, and he was totally falling for this. Rookie.

“Does she ever wear those, you know, maid’s uniforms?” Duper chimed in.

“Oh yeah, now that’s a pretty sight. A body like that in a short skirt makes vacuuming a spectator sport.” If Frankie looked even half as good as she did in a nurse’s uniform, that would be worth watching.

Clarkie’s eyes got big. “Wow. Maybe Lurch and me should get a maid at our place, too. I’ll ask if she knows anyone.”

“One problem, she doesn’t even speak English.” I don’t know what happens, once you start bullshitting, it’s like a fucking runaway train.

“Oh.” You could see him thinking seriously about all this, and then he went back into the kitchen to get his beer.

As soon as the kitchen door closed behind him, the guys started laughing.

“You’re so full of it,” said Duper, like he wasn’t the king of bullshit.

“I’d like to hear what he’s saying to Frankie right now,” said Domer.

“She can handle whatever,” I scoffed.

I was just finishing up the dessert platter when this young guy walked in. I had said hello when the guys got here, but he had obviously arrived later. I smiled at him, and he cleared his throat nervously.

“
¡Hola!
”

”
Hola,
” I replied. I didn’t know much Spanish, but I had learnt a few words since I got here. This guy didn’t look Hispanic though, he was pale with light brown hair. Maybe he was practicing for something.

He pointed at my chest. “
Bonita… you… bonita.
” Did he mean I was pretty or my breasts? Seriously, did you not need a triple digit IQ to play hockey? Let’s send the special needs guy into the kitchen to talk to Frankie.

“Uh,
gracias
.”

“
Una cerveca, por favor
,” he said smoothly, obviously knowing the phrase that pays in Mexico.

What was I, the maid? I pointed the fridge out to him, and finished cutting up the brownies. Then I covered up the platter for later. I gave the chili a stir, and then I was all done. I had plans to go to my room and watch a chick flick on my laptop. Even though I had argued about it with Jake, hanging out with a bunch of guys playing poker was not really what I was into.

The strange guy was still hanging around watching me, like he wanted to say something, so I took him out of his misery.

“Is everything okay?”

“Wow, you speak English so well!” he exclaimed happily.

“Thanks, you too.” I’ve had a lot of compliments, but never on my ability to speak my native language.

“Wait a second,” he looked unhappy, “You’re not the maid here, are you?”

“The maid?” I was stunned for a second, then a light went on. “Who told you that?”

“Uh, no one,” he started backing out when he saw my irritated expression.

“Was it Jake?”

He bobbed his head and escaped with his beer. I strode out behind him.

Jake

I didn’t even hear Frankie come up behind me, but she started whacking me on the shoulder. She was probably hitting me as hard as she could, but it didn’t hurt at all.

“Jake! The maid? You idiot!” she exclaimed, and all the guys started laughing. I put my hands up to stop her from hitting me more, but I was laughing so hard I couldn’t speak. “Okay bozo, you can finish up everything in the kitchen, this maid is off work.”

“No, Frankie, sorry, sorry! Don’t be mad.” I tried to look sorry, but I was still laughing too hard.

“What happened in there?” Domer wondered.

“Well, I couldn’t figure out why he was speaking Spanish to me,” Frankie began, and the guys began laughing even harder.

“Oh fuck, Clarkie, what I wouldn’t pay to hear that!” Duper laughed. “Hey
Mamacita
!”

“Can you even speak Spanish?” wondered Domer.

Clarkie was embarrassed and didn’t say anything. D.J. shook his head, “He’s from Vermont, where the people are as white as the snow.”

“It’s okay,” Frankie said patting him on the shoulder, “Not your fault at all. Don’t worry, I’ll get even with Jake for you.”

“Oh scary,” I told her. “Should I not eat anything you’ve cooked tonight?”

“As if you could stop yourself,” she scoffed. “Well, I don’t want to disturb the guys. Good luck, everyone.”

“Wait, would you like to play some poker?” Duper suggested. He probably meant strip poker, no way I was letting that happen.

Frankie shook her head, “Not really my thing. Besides, Jake told me that I shouldn’t get in the way of boys’ night.”

Duper shook his head, “That’s because he’s a Neanderthal who thinks that women are only good for two things.”

“Two?” laughed Frankie, “I think that’s one more thing than I would have guessed.”

“I mean cooking and cleaning,” Duper said innocently. “Is that what you meant?”

“I meant shopping,” Frankie replied, laughing. “Luke, for later there’s chili on the stove, bread in the oven, and a dessert tray on the counter.” She took off her apron and disappeared into her room, closing the door firmly.

“These are the best chicken wings ever!” said Lurch, his mouth full. “You guys are so lucky to have Frankie living with you.”

“It’s got its good points,” I replied. But it also had its bad points. She was always messing with my head, and she didn’t even realize it.

“Thanks Cookie, really thanks,” said Duper. “We could have had a beautiful woman hanging out with us, but instead it’s another sausage party.”

“I fold,” said Clarkie throwing his cards in, and then added in a lower voice, “I don’t get it, how come a girl like that is home on a Friday night?”

That was something I had noticed about Frankie, that she liked to stay home. I had heard her turning down invitations by saying she needed to unwind. I thought that was nuts, why wouldn’t you go out with your friends instead?

Domer shook his head, “Man, that’s life, lots of nice girls stay at home, that’s why it’s hard to find a nice girl at a bar. I call.”

“But if she’s here, why doesn’t she want to hang out with us?” Clarkie wondered.

“Would you want to hang out with us?” D.J. wondered. There was a moment of silence, and then someone farted and we all started laughing.

54. Hit Me Baby One More Time

I got to go to the Kings game unexpectedly. Luke’s girlfriend, Theresa, called me around dinnertime, apologizing for the late invite, but her girlfriend had cancelled at the last minute. She came by shortly after to pick me up.

“Thanks, Frankie. Since Luke gave me the tickets, I couldn’t bring a guy, and I hardly know any women who like hockey.” More probably she didn’t know any people who were free on a Saturday night at the last minute. But that was my social life these days.

“Thanks for inviting me,” I said and took a good look at what she was wearing. Just normal clothes, and not Luke’s jersey or anything Kings at all. Theresa flushed a little, “Do you think I should be wearing a Kings uniform or something?” It didn’t sound like she was exactly a hockey fan since the word uniform suggested a jersey, hockey pants and helmet.

“No, I’m not either,” I told her. I had the jersey dress, but I certainly wasn’t wearing Jake’s number, especially given how schizo he had been to me ever since I got here. Today I had gone vintage shopping with my new friend, Janie, and now I was wearing this incredible pair of high-waisted black pants I bought. They only needed a tiny alteration to fit me perfectly. I added a stretchy black top with a beautiful lace back, but since that was a little dressy, I topped it with a satin baseball jacket for that sporty look. But there was nothing that said L.A. Kings about me. “When we get to the arena, we could buy Kings baseball caps or something.”

Theresa touched her brown hair, which looked like it had been carefully curled and poufed. “Okaaay,” she replied resignedly.

“Or not,” I laughed, “Maybe they have crown earrings or something.”