How Possession Can Help You Lose Weight (5 page)

7. Can you be possessed and still juggle a family and a job?

When it comes to juggling, possession is a
huge
help, psychokinesis being a frequent side feature. You'll be able to juggle anything you want — small children, furniture, cars. Nothing will be too difficult.

“I lost so much weight I could float above my bed!”
— Lida Blair

“All my life I've suffered from low self-esteem. I hated my body, and I hated that I ate so much. I tried every diet out there and none of them worked. Then I tried the Possession diet and WOW has my life changed! I was matched with Krokkatokka The All Powerful, Supreme Demon of All He Surveys — Even the Bits He Has to Stand on a Chair to See!

“He taught me my true worth, and how to enjoy the small things in life — like having people prostrate themselves at my feet, trembling in fear in case they displeased me and I had to snuff out their puny, meaningless lives.

“Now I love my body, and I have a twelve-point plan for world domination!”
— Sherry-Ann Smith, Future Ruler of the Known World — Even the Really Small Bits She Has to Look Up on the Internet.

“I LOVE this diet. My partner of six years had just dumped me and my self-esteem was in the toilet. Then a friend told me about Dr. Crapper and his Possession diet. It was AMAZING. I lost forty pounds in a week! But best of all I got to ruin my cheating, conniving, ex's wedding.

“I didn't mean to. I only wanted to weird him and the ho out a bit. I mean, can you BELIEVE they actually invited me to their wedding? Talk about nerve. Well, anyway, I thought I'd give them the slow 360° head turn but ... my demon had other ideas and, before I knew it, I was in a full on Head Spin of the Projectile Vomiting Kind.

“The wedding video's on YouTube. It's had 400,000 hits. Almost as many as my ex!”
— Jilted Jill

“I'd tried everything to lose weight. I'd had a gastric band fitted, my jaws wired shut. I'd even had my nutritionist break my fingers with a surgical baseball bat. Nothing worked.

“Then a friend told me about the Possession Diet and I haven't looked back since. I was paired with a Brontosaurus and it gave me a TOTALLY different perspective on ideal body weight. Now I LOVE my body. And I LOVE salad. All I need now to make my life perfect is a second brain!”
— Swamp Lover

“This is the BEST DIET EVER!!! I eat what I want, when I want, knowing that at the end of every month I can lose all the weight, AND hang out with my new BFF!

“It may cost a lot more than other diets, but it is SO worth it! And you soon get used to the tusks.”
— Elephant Girl

“A lot of people at work say such negative things about Satan, but, BOY, does he help you lose weight!”
— Archbishop Thomas of Norwich

To find your perfect match, fill in the questionnaire below and send it to your nearest Crapper Clinic.

1. Do you like long walks? Maybe at night, running barefoot through woods? Or skipping through graveyards?

2. Do you have long hair which you like to brush forward and let hang over your face? Do you like crawling out of television sets?

3. On a train, do you like sitting facing the direction you're travelling in, or looking back? If the latter, have you ever wished you could turn your head through 180° and observe the world behind you?

4. When planning a vacation, do you prefer somewhere hot or cold? Do you like really hot steam baths? The smell of sulfur in the morning?

5. Are you a nervous person? Could you cope with seeing a different face in the mirror every day for a week?

6. Do you like to look good? All the time? Would the odd wart, scale, or really weird-looking hairy growth freak you out?

7. What about a second head or five eyes?

8. Are you open to new experiences?

9. Do you like visiting foreign countries?

10. Are you comfortable meeting strangers? How about REALLY strange strangers?

11. Are you open to embracing new cultures? You knew we meant the kind of cultures you find in a Petri dish, didn't you?

12. Would you let your child marry someone green? With seventeen legs? More than one head?

13. Are religious beliefs important to you?

14. Would you rather eat dinner at a restaurant or in a swamp?

15. Do you like your meat well-done, rare, not cooked at all, or still screaming?

16. Are you open to new foods? Really new foods? Like REALLY, REALLY new foods? Like stuff that never in a MILLION, MILLION years would you have ever even considered being food?

17. Are you good at handling changes in your life?

18. Do you crave excitement? Extreme excitement?

19. Do you express your feelings easily? Would you like to? Would you like to turn your inhibition dial down to MINUS ONE and tell everyone EXACTLY how it is? In ancient Sumerian ... with full reverb?

20. Have you ever considered changing your will to make a deserving cause a beneficiary?

These recipes are provided by the world's FOREMOST food blogger and chef, Brandi Gourlay! Brandi has worked in the kitchens of the world's most famous restaurants — McDonald's, Burger King, El Pollo Lardo.

So, when it comes to cooking exotic foods, who else ya gonna call? Brandi's reputation is built on experimentation and ‘off the wall' — occasionally ‘off the floor' — cooking. She's talked to our staff at Crapper Clinics, made notes of all the kinds of ‘food' that spirits and demons appear to like the most, and come up with a list of out-of-this world recipes.

If you're a squeamish eater faced with a demon with a penchant for swamp food with a slime starter, these are the recipes for you. You'll love it, and your demon will love you.

The full recipes can be found in her book,
Unnatural Appetites
. Here are a few summaries to give you the flavor.

Bubble and Squeak

A boil-in-the-cauldron casserole of rat (the squeak) with cabbage, parsnip, carrots and marsh gas (the bubble). Season with eye of newt and leave to fester for three hours.

Deviled Eggs

Curse your eggs lightly for five minutes. Add devil at the last minute using a blended summoning and holding spell. Best served with an antichristo appetizer.

Crispy Baby Corn

This is a spicy appetizer much loved by Indo-Chinese demons. First crisp your baby, then add corn to taste.

Toad in the Hole

The ideal twilight snack for pond parties. Comes with a choice of dips — Mississipi Mud, Humus, and Spider's Nest.

Shepherd's Pie

Brandi recommends you use only free-range shepherds as they're tastier. Mince your shepherd with onions and carrots, then top with mashed potato peelings and fetid cheese.

Scandinavian Sandwich

You guessed it: Swede, Danish, Norwegian Omelets, and Finn soup. All served on a Lap.

Key Slime Pie

Take three good handfuls of Florida slime and mix with condensed milk until thoroughly horrid. Pour slop into whole brain pastry case. Whip four egg whites mercilessly and smear on top to create a meringue.

Financial Analyst Prepared Five Ways

That's stuffed, roasted, battered, smoked and ballotine. The best financial analysts are ones that have been aged for fifteen years in an oak coffin.

Seared Stockbroker, with Doorman Puree, Confit Receptionist and Head of Marketing Julienne

A popular lunchtime meal in the city for gourmet demons and the more discerning serial killer spirits. Serve drizzled with curdled blood.

Duke of Clarence Pudding

Ideal for Medieval Banquets. Marinate your Duke in a vat of Malmsey wine for at least three days. Garnish with plums, apricots and sultanas, then serve chilled.

Wild Cherry Compost

First, annoy your cherry until it's really wild, then mulch with grass cuttings, apple peel, and decaying vegetables until ripe. Serve on a bed of wilted nettles.

Apple Cobbler

Take 3lbs of apples to a shoe repair shop...