How It Rolls (11 page)

             
I had gotten out of his car without speaking, mostly because I was humiliated beyond all words.  He didn’t know he was dating a girl who nobody wanted and didn’t even have a place to sleep.  Part of me, a very miniscule part, wanted to go ahead and tell him and let it end now before I got my heart broken, more importantly before his heart was broken.  But I was too selfish for that.  I wanted Falcon, all of him, for as long as I could have him, even if it meant I would one day lose him. 

             
I’m sure there was some kind of dating rule against what I was about to do but I couldn’t help myself.

             
Me: I had the best time tonight.  Thank you. 

             
Falcon: You’re welcome.  It’s going to be hard to see you with your new schedule.

             
Me: I know.  We’ll have to make it work.

             
Falcon: Glad we’re on the same page.

             
Me: What page would that be?

             
Falcon: The first page of our story.

             
And this is what I was already starting to love about Falcon.  He was so sincere when he spoke to me, he had no fear.  Me? I was scared to death that as soon as he knew who I really was that I’d be passed on to the next person just like I’d been my whole life.  But in this case, the fear was worth every second I got to be delusional with him.

             
The great thing about this particular parking spot?  If I turned my head just right, I could see the door to his apartment.  And I wished more than anything that he would let me in.

              Saturday was a complete blur.  I didn’t even see Falcon or Nellie the whole day until about six thirty when Falcon came in to hand out paychecks and cash mine.  They must’ve been doing some serious shopping.  I felt better about having some money in my pocket and one step closer to getting a place of my own. 

             
Sunday and Monday I worked a longer schedule in order to make up for practice and bout time.  It had been less than 72 hours since I’d been alone with Falcon and it was killing me not to have that time with him again.   I got off work at seven on Monday and when I walked out the back door he was there, leaning on my car like a rebel without a care. 

             
“You didn’t answer your texts so Madame Sylvia sent me to get you.”

             
I pulled out my phone and checked, six missed texts. 

             
“I had it turned on silent, sorry.  What’s up?” 
Please let it be, “I was dying to kiss you so I came over here to crush your lips to mine.”

             
“Family dinner tonight.  You can’t get out of them now.”

             
“I thought they were on Tuesdays.”

             
He laughed and took my hand to lead me to his truck.

             
“Yeah, but we’re all on Derby Standard Time now, so family dinners get shifted to Mondays.” 

             
“Really?” I’d never seen a family who scheduled everything to maximize time together.  It was odd to me.

             
“Oh yeah.  Started years ago with Nellie.  Come on before Mom beats me again.”

             
“Your mom does not beat you.  She’s the greatest.”

             
He stopped in his tracks after I said that and I couldn’t figure out what I’d said wrong.  He turned and closed the distance between us, picking me up under my arms and swung me around.  Even as he put me down, he didn’t let go.  I nearly cried at the asylum, the haven I experienced in his arms.  The emotion so overwhelming that I couldn’t even raise my arms in reciprocation. 

             
He pulled away and looked at me; the tears crept closer to raining on my face as he swept both of his thumbs under my eyes and caught them before they could. 

             
“What’s wrong? Tell me.” He whispered.

             
“Nothing’s wrong.  But a lot is right.” I mustered my best smile and he smiled back but now his irises showed a reflection of my lips. 

             
“You have no idea how much I want to kiss you right now.  But I won’t until after dinner.”

             
“Why,” I asked. 
Please let it be a reason I can argue with successfully.

             
“Because if I kiss you now I’ll spend the entire meal thinking about it and you’ll spend the whole time in a full blush.  Then they’ll know what’s going on and we’ll never hear the end of it.”

             
“Ok, but I’m holding you to that.  And I hope you got more ice cream.” 

             
“You knew?” I didn’t know but I had a hunch and he fell for it hook, line and sinker.

             
“I do now.”

             
“You tricksy little vixen.  Get in the truck.  And yes, I got you more ice cream.” 

             
I turned on his stereo after we got into the truck and wasn’t surprised in the least to hear Corey Hart belting out a ballad about wearing sunglasses at night.  I knew the words, of course.  One of my foster moms had an eighties fetish.               

             
We were late to dinner, mostly because of me.  When we walked in, two seats were empty at the huge round table, next to each other.  Falcon pulled my chair out for me—yet another thing I didn’t know guys still did.  Everyone talked about the main event, Owen and Nellie having a baby.  Sylvia and Chase, what they told me to call them, were gushing about being grandparents and all the baby stuff they needed to buy.  Then the name debate started.  Falcon stayed quiet beside me. 

             
Maddox kept shouting out these random weird names like Modesto and Hyrem.  Nellie couldn’t even eat, she was laughing so hard.  I ate my specially made pasta as I sat and observed what a great family they were.  I wondered if I would’ve been different if I had a family like this one. 

             
Just as my thoughts started to get to me, Falcon’s hand enveloped mine under the table and the warmth in it was so much deeper than temperature. 

             
“You ok?” He whispered to me and even though the volume of his voice was low, the gesture of him so close to me didn’t escape the notice of the table.  Nellie winked at me.  They were all going to hate me when Falcon discovered what a liar I was. 

             
I nodded at him; it was all I could make myself do.  I felt like the wolf at a table full of lambs.  I grabbed his hand harder, I needed a lifeline.

             
“You wanna get out of here?” He whispered and I whispered back, “Please.”

             
He had no idea what was brewing inside me and I never wanted him to.  I needed to end this now.

             
We drove back to the bookstore in silence.  He didn’t press me or try to force it out of me and I was grateful for it.  Because I was about to shut down the best person I’d ever met.  So before I lost my nerve, what shred of it I had, I blurted it out.

             
“I can’t do this Falcon.”  And then came the crack of my own heart breaking open.

Chapter 15

Falcon

I have road rage, I’ll be the first to admit it.  When someone pulls out in front of me and then goes 23 ½ miles an hour I want to run into them and let them sit on their back bumper while I laugh.  Shut up, you know you do it too.

             
Think Falcon, slow down and think.  Something was going on with her at dinner and she’s let it fester until she came to this conclusion.  Talk her through it.

             
“Why?”
Come on say something that doesn’t make sense so I can get all logical on your ass.             

             
“Look Falcon, I’m just—I’m not like you.  I don’t come from this great family.  I don’t have any freakin’ idea about how to act around them.” She twisted her earring again.

             
“Just be yourself.  Why would you think you need to act any different?  And I don’t care if you came from a great family or not.  Nellie came from awful parents but we couldn’t imagine our family without her now.”  She fidgeted a minute and I watched as the knuckles on her right hand turned white as she gripped the handle of the door.

             
“Look, it’s more than that.  I’m just different than you.  I gotta go.”

             
I reached for her out of desperation and it made her halt for a fraction of a minute and then she wretched her arm free and walked back to her car.  But the truth was; it was me.  I was the one who was always different than anyone else.  I worked when other people played.  I was quiet while listening to the screams of others.  I took solace by myself while others sought comfort in friends.  And apparently isolated is where I was destined to stay. 

             
I ran up to my apartment and got all of the stuff I bought for Reed and ran it the few blocks down to put it in Nellie’s office.  And as I put the bags down I realized the core of the problem.  It was right here in my hands.  I tried too hard…Went too far…Bought too much…Cared too deep. 

             
I walked back to the apartment, needing the cold air to cut my red hot anger at myself.  My phone rang, Nellie.

             
“Hello?”

             
“What happened?” I heard a sound like a car door shutting.

             
“I don’t know.  She paled out at dinner.  Then she didn’t talk the whole way back.  Then all the sudden after I threw the truck in park she spouted out that she couldn’t do this anymore.  She came from a different kind of family.  She wasn’t the same as me.  Then she got out of the truck and left.” I heard her gasp but I continued on.  I really wasn’t in the mood for her sage wisdom. “So I dropped her skate stuff in your office.  I’ll try to work at night so she doesn’t have to deal with seeing me.”

             
“Falcon, look…” 

             
“Just don’t Nellie.  Just don’t.”

             
“Ok.”  She hung up on me first. 

             
I got back to my apartment and laughed angrily at the sight.  I had bought new sheets, pillows, comforter, a new couch and Nellie had made the place look like someone actually lived here.  Now it just pissed me off.

             
I took a shower, needing the jail cell of the shower to punish myself with hot water.  I got out, toweled off and put on some gray pajama pants and wiped off the mirror of the steam. 
Look at my punk ass self.  Who was I trying to fool? 

             
I got out a pair of scissors and cut my Mohawk down until it resembled more of a stripe than a spike.  I stood at the window, grinding my jaw and I could’ve sworn I saw her car from the corner of my window in a parking lot.  No, it couldn’t be.  It was just my insanity.

             
I felt like shit for talking to Nellie like that so I texted her.

             
Me: I’m sorry.  I’m a jerk. 

             
Nellie: You’re way far from a jerk.  I love you.  It’s gonna be fine.

             
Me: Yeah.  See you on Saturday.  Dues Nazi and all.  Tell her the stuff is from you.

             
Nellie: Derby Lingo?  So hot.  And I won’t lie for you.

             
Me: Fine.

              The rest of the week I worked at night after the bookstore closed.  I felt like Ebeneezer Scrooge again, hunched over my desk, the only light on in the store was the one above me. 

             
I missed her. One date and I missed her more than I’ve ever missed anything in my life. 

             
I walked into Harvey’s on Saturday for another exhibition bout.  I didn’t know if Reed had gotten her new stuff from Nellie or not.  I kept my head down, sure that if I saw her my heart would spring out of my chest at the sight. 

             
I took the money from Nellie that she had already collected and recorded which players had paid and which ones had to deal with me.  Apparently Reed had already given her the money, not wanting to deal with me either.  I stood towards the back of the crowd as the bout started.  Reed got thrown into the sin bin almost immediately for throwing an elbow at the opposing jammer.  In total, she got so many penalties that the pivot had to be called in. And she was benched for rowdy behavior.  But even in anger she was gorgeous.  I left a little into halftime, not willing to watch the zebra flirt with her anymore. 
Damn referees. 
I didn’t even look to see if she had her new skates on or not.