Homewrecker (Into the Flames #1) (27 page)

“This is bullshit, Dixon. Absolute bullshit. You watched my parents. You saw what my mother did to my dad. Fuck, you walked in and caught her! If it wasn’t for you she would have kept fuckin’ around behind his back instead of leavin’. You saw how bad it tore him up.
Us
up. And even after all that you could still go through with this shit. That’s beyond stupid to me.”

“Do you seriously think I did it for fun, just to fuck you over? You know me better than that, Gunnar.”

“I’m beginning to fuckin’ wonder if I know either one of at you at all! I get you, everything is a challenge for you. Always has been. You see something you want and have to have it, but with her… She didn’t fuckin’ want you and that pissed you off, didn’t it? One woman in this state didn’t fall to your feet and it killed you so you pushed it. Kennedy though, I don’t get it. I’ve always given her everything she’s wanted, maybe she’s always been a whore and was just really good at hidin’ it. Did you guys think you would actually fuckin’ get away with it?”

Something changes in Dixon changes as I speak and for the first time since I walked in and started throwing punches, he looks pissed off. Like the usual Dixon.

“The next time you call her a whore I promise I’ll beat your ass into the floor so hard you’ll bleed linoleum glue. Talk shit about me all you fuckin’ want. You can hit me, scream at me, tell me how much of a piece of shit I am and how the world would be a better place without me in it. But don’t you fuckin’ dare say that shit again.”

I stare at him in silence for a minute, wondering why he’s standing up for her when he’s obviously the reason she’s been depressed for so long. “I gave her everything she ever wanted and it still wasn’t enough for her so she fucked you behind my back. How would you classify that shit, Dr. Dixon? Has it been goin’ on since high school? Hell, maybe it wasn’t only you she was screwin’.”

He flexes his fingers and I know the move is something he does to try to rein in his temper before he blows. I saw it a lot after his parents died and he tried to figure out how to handle himself without them there to guide him. “It was just me, Gunnar. She wasn’t screwin’ around with anyone but me.”

“You seem awfully sure about that. The way I see it is if she can fool my ass while she’s with you, she can easily fool your dumb ass into thinkin’ you’re the only other one.” I’m pissed off, but I still manage to smirk when I shrug because I know the thought is eating him alive. “How can you be so sure?”

He finally snaps and it’s like watching a cobra attack. Pushing off his back foot, he rushes forward and drives me back against the wall. His jaw clenches, nostrils flair, and he’s breathing as hard as if he just did forty yard suicides for a straight hour. He wants to hit me, I can see the urge to pull back and slam his fist into my face sitting just below the surface so I prepare myself.

“I know because the first time wasn’t supposed to even happen. It was never a planned thing and she fought me like crazy but I’m an asshole and pushed until I got what I wanted. She never wanted to fuck around behind your back. She fuckin’ loves you and will admit that shit to anyone. But something was missin’ because she kept comin’ back to me to get what you refused to give her. She couldn’t deny it and I couldn't tell her no.”

“I gave her everything!” I scream, completely exasperated. How dare he try to tell me how to love my wife. He hasn’t given anyone any part of him, other than his cock, since Ivy.

“Givin’ and takin’ are two completely different things.”

“I’m a fuckin’ teacher and you think it’s a bright idea to give me a vocabulary lesson after I just busted your face open? All these years I’ve been givin’ you too much credit when it comes to how smart you are.”

“That’s not what I’m tryin’ to do, man.” Taking a slow breath, he steps back enough so that we aren’t touching anymore, giving us both room to breathe without it being the other person’s exhale. “What I’m tryin’ to make you realize is givin’ that girl everything you think she wants, and takin’ everything she’s tryin’ to give you, aren’t the same thing. She needs more than a life full of just gentle kisses and soft touches. You know that, she knows that, so how ‘bout you tell me how long you thought it was gonna last before she went lookin’ for more because you weren’t givin’ it to her.”

“You think that makes fuckin’ my wife behind my back OK? Is that what you told her to get her to keep comin’ back? ‘Gunnar’s not givin’ it to you, Kennedy, let me. It’s not cheatin’ if it’s something he won’t give you and I promise he won’t find out’.”

Dixon shakes his head, beginning to look completely drained again. “Nothin’ is ever gonna change what happened, and there’s no way to take it back. Fuck,” he says, scrubbing his hands over his face. He digs the heels of them into his eyes for a second and when he drops them I’m shocked to see the emotion filling them. “I’ll apologize until I’m blue in the face for hurtin’ you even though I know it won’t make a damn bit of difference. It was the shittiest thing we could’ve ever done, and yeah, it shouldn’t have happened. Knock my ass out for that shit, I don’t care. But one thing I won’t apologize for is lovin’ her.”

“Do you know what that word means? Some people use it for more than just gettin’ their dicks wet.”

Dropping down into the chair by the door, he leans forward with his elbows resting on his knees and stares at the floor. “Yeah, believe me, I know. I hate to tell you this, but I’ve loved Kennedy for as long as I can remember, but it never mattered. She was never mine, never would’ve been even back then.”

I listen carefully, trying to keep myself from losing my temper again. “Back then? You think just because she’s sad right now because you aren’t screwin’ her anymore, means she’s yours? That she loves you?”

“No.” He shakes his head slowly. “She told me she loved me, and I pushed her away because of you! I didn’t wanna cause any more damage than we already had, so I pushed away the only woman I’ve ever actually loved because I love you, Gunnar. You’re the best friend I’ve ever had, my brother in every way that matters. I didn’t want this to happen this way.”

He stands back up to pace, but before he has a chance to move my fist connects with his jaw again. His face flings to the side and blood goes flying through the air, but he doesn’t drop to the floor like he did the first time. Dropping my fist, I scream at him, telling him to quit lying because he is only making things worse.

“I wish I was lyin’ to you, Gunnar. I wish I could tell you this was all some sick and twisted joke so we could go back to how things were, but it’s not. I’ve never had a heart because Kennedy’s had it all along. She just didn’t know it.”

“Ivy!” I yell, reminding him that there was a woman other than Kennedy at one point in his sorry excuse for a life. Nodding, he darts his tongue out over his broken lip.

“Ivy was my attempt at an escape,” he admits, looking completely ashamed of himself. “She was my way of tryin’ to forget that I loved Kennedy and couldn’t have her because she was yours. That whole thing was a disaster that I just threw into the huge pile of shit I can’t do. It was me tryin’ to find what you had with Kennedy because I knew I’d never get that with her. She didn’t look at me the way she did you back then, but you can’t deny when you think about it, that the way she looks at me now is different. She loves me too, and I hate myself more with every breath because of it.”

“Then maybe you should stop breathing.”

Reaching for the doorknob, I rip the door back and walk away. I’ve already wasted more breath fighting with him than he’s worth. He says he hates himself more with every breath for the shit he’s done, but until it hurts to breathe because of something you have no control over and you’re watching your life crumble around you, his opinion won’t mean shit.

Heading for my truck, Ryan grabs my arm and pulls me to a stop. I don’t attempt to look at him because I’m afraid if I do, I’m going to lose it on him too.

“All that and you’re just walking away? Don’t you have a twenty year friendship or some shit?” I nod my head once, trying my hardest not to think about the specifics. “You’re gonna give that up? Just like that?”

“I’m not the one who crossed that line, Ryan. Dixon fucked it up, not me. I’m the one who is exhausted from scramblin’ to keep us together while he and my wife did everything they could to wreck the relationships we had.” Pausing to take a deep breath, I feel everything that just happened begin to weigh me down. “I’m so fuckin’ tired, Ryan.”

“Dude, go home and sleep. Maybe you’ll be able to salvage something if rest.”

Shaking my head, I finally turn and look at him. “I wish it was that easy but it’s not a tired I’ll be able to just sleep off.”

Without waiting for him to say anything else I take off for my truck again. My entire life is in shambles and the two people I would normally go to for help are the reason. I feel like I can’t breathe, like I’m drowning and there isn’t anyone around that can save me. There’s not a damn thing I can do about it and nowhere I usually go to escape is safe from them finding me if they wanted to. I want to forget everything going on, even if it’s just a temporary fix to a permanent situation.

Anything is better than nothing.

Kennedy

Watching my feet as I pace, I begin to wonder how long it would take for me to wear a hole in the floor. It’s been hours since I have spoken to either of the guys, and my mind wanders to what possibly could have happened after the phone went dead while I was talking to Dixon. Hours where I’ve done nothing but pace the hall from the kitchen to the bedroom.

After checking my phone again I decide that nothing is going to get accomplished by walking the halls so I decide to do something productive. Filling the sink with hot water and soap, I pile every dish that will fit—dirty or clean— into it and start scrubbing. By the time Gunnar finally pulls into the driveway and stumbles through the door, every dish in the house is clean and the kitchen has been scrubbed thoroughly.

“Didn’t I get read the riot act for drinking and driving?” I grit my teeth, trying hard not to cry as I lean back and follow his uneven steps around the room. I know I shouldn’t be pushing my luck considering I know where he’s been, but I can’t help but be upset. “How the hell do you think I feel knowing you’re willing to risk dying because you wanted to get drunk and drive instead of calling me to come get you?”

Stepping up to me, Gunnar boxes me in by gripping the edge of the counter on either side of my body. Every exhale from him smells like he spent a month in a distillery instead of a night out at the bar. “I don’t know, Kennedy. I’m really not sure how you feel anymore, and right now, I’m not sure I care.”

“Gunnar…”

“Kiss me, Kennedy.” Without waiting for me to initiate the kiss he drops his mouth to mine. What starts out as a soft kiss like they usually are, quickly turns rough. Gunnar’s hands fist into my hair, holding me where he wants me, and his soft lips become brutal against mine and at some point he bites my lip hard enough to make me cry. Pulling back, he keeps his eyes closed and rests his forehead against mine. “Tell me you love me.”

Reaching up, I take a chance and slide my fingers around the back of his neck, letting them run over his heated skin. “Gunnar, I love you, I’ve always loved you. What is wrong with you, babe?” I ask, already know the answer but not wanting to admit it. When he opens his eyes I can see the pain building up behind them.

“Please tell me you don’t love Dixon,” he pleads. “Tell me it was all a mistake so we can move on and get back to the life we’ve been plannin’ since we were kids.”

I open my mouth to answer him, to tell him that it was all a mistake, but I stop myself because that would be a lie and I begin to cry. As much as I want to go back to only loving Gunnar, I can’t. It would be like only breathing half the amount of times a day that I need to in order to survive. Like trying to survive with half a heart. Now that I admitted it to myself, and to Dixon, I can’t pretend like I could anymore.

When I don’t answer him, Gunnar pulls me away from the counter and shoves me against the wall by the hair. Pinning me there with his body, he tilts my head to the side and roughly runs his hands down my neck to my chest where he pinches my nipples hard enough to make me whimper in pain.

“Is this how you like it, baby? You like it when it hurts? You want me to beat your ass until you can’t sit, and fuck you so hard you’d walk bowlegged for a week? Because I can, Kennedy. If that’s what you need, I can do it. Why the fuck didn’t you just come to me in the first place if you needed more?”

“I did,” I whisper, trying to keep calm. “Every time I tried to talk to you, you thought it was me trying to tell you that I wanted a baby.”

Gunnar’s fist slams into the drywall next to my face and he roars. “I love you, Kennedy. Fuckin’ Christ I love you, and this is what you do to me!”

My entire body trembles, my face soaked with tears as he continues to yell at me while holding me against the wall. “You’re scaring me, Gunnar.”

“What?”

“I said you’re scaring me.”

Shoving away from the wall, he paces, driving his hands into hair. “This is what I was afraid of,” he mutters. “You want it rough, but when I get rough, I scare you. There’s no happy medium here.”