Homewrecker (Into the Flames #1) (24 page)

“What the hell do you want?” he screams, glaring at me through bloodshot eyes. “Isn’t it fuckin’ obvious that I’m busy?”

"Yes, you stupid fucking asshole, it's very fucking obvious that you're too busy hitting a damn punching bag instead of answering your fucking phone and letting me know that you aren't one of the goddamn guys that that went missing in the fire." My chest heaves as I scream, and that's when all the emotions that I was holding in at the house hit me, and I start crying. "I've spent the past eleven hours unable to pull myself from the goddamn television screen because I was praying to catch a glimpse of you so I knew you were all right. But don’t mind me, I’ll go home and leave you to your workout.”

“This is why I don’t do this shit, Kennedy,” he yells back. “I don’t get involved and mix feelings because I don’t want to get attached to someone, just to have them turn around and tell me my job is too dangerous and have them leave! I told myself after last time that no one was worth losin’ myself again! I do what I do so that if I can help it no kid will ever lose people they love like I did. No piece of ass is worth givin’ up the satisfaction.”

“I’m glad to know that I’m not worth it, Dixon. Knowing that makes my life, and the choices I have to make, a hell of a lot less complicated.”

I turn to leave, trying to cover the sob that’s about to bubble out of my throat. I don’t even make it to the bottom step before Dixon’s arms wrap tightly around my waist and I can’t contain it any more. He buries his face against the back of my neck, letting his lips graze my skin as he talks.

“That’s the problem, Kennedy.” He stops talking for a second, resting his forehead against my back. “I can tell myself over and over that no one is worth openin’ up that part of me again, but you fuckin’ changed everything. You always fuckin’ change everything.”

Even though his fingers are digging into my skin, my head is still spinning around the fact that I could have lost him and what I think he might be saying to me. “This was just supposed to sex,” I growl when I finally gain control of myself. "It wasn't supposed to get this far."

Turning me around, Dixon wraps his arms around my waist and holds me close, pressing his head into my chest. “I should have called when they sent me home, but I wasn’t thinkin’ about anything except the guys we lost. I’m sorry you were worried but this is how I’ve always dealt with shit. I shut the world out and beat the shit out of the bag ‘til I’m too wore out to even think about what happened.” Pulling back, his eyebrows draw together as he looks at me. “Wait, what are you talkin’ about?"

"This…” I sob, motioning between us. “I wasn't supposed to fall in love with you."

I don’t even get a full breath into my lungs before his lips are on mine. He tastes like smoke from the fire, but I don’t care. He’s breathing, safe, and kissing me. He might not have said that he loved me back, but I can feel it in every way he touches me. If he didn’t, he would have pushed me away and told me to leave. Instead, he lifts me off the stairs and pushes me down onto the mat on the floor without pulling his lips from mine. It doesn’t take long for all my clothes to be strewn across the room and for him to have me spread open for him and filling me. There’s no doubt that there’s something different about this time. By no means is he being gentle, but it’s a little bit slower, and a whole lot more emotional.

Dixon laces his fingers with mine and rolls me over on top of him when we’re finished. His free hand drifts up and down my bare spine and all I want to do is listen to him breathe. Who knew such a normal sound could be so comforting, but after thinking I may have lost him, it’s the only thing I want to hear. I’m skin-to-skin with one of the two men I love, the only thing that could make this moment better, is if Gunnar was here too, but that will never happen. I’m not even sure that Gunnar will want to talk to me after this morning, but that feeling is mutual for the most part I guess.

“What now?” he whispers into my hair. “I’m at a loss here, Kennedy. Where do we even go from here?”

“I don’t know,” I answer honestly. “I didn’t know I could love two people at once.”

“Well you’re doin’ better than me. I didn’t know I could love anyone anymore.”

The corners of my lips turn up but I don’t say anything or make a big deal out of it. I know getting those words out of his mouth took a lot. Saying I love you when you’re saying it to a friend, and baring your heart to someone while you’re naked, are two hugely different things.

It doesn’t make this any easier though. If anything, knowing he loves me too makes it harder. Instead of trying to hash it all out and figure out what to do right now, I simply lie there in silence. He’s already had a bad day and I don’t want to make it any worse than I already have.

“Thank you for comin’ for me, Sunshine. Thank you for lovin’ me even if it’s only behind closed doors.”

I press my lips against his chest before resting my head back over his heart. “It’s not only behind closed doors, Dixon. I love you more every time I breathe, so thank you for not kicking me out and breaking my heart more than it already is today.”

I know my time is running out before Gunnar would usually start wondering where the hell I ended up, so I stop talking, not wanting to waste a minute of the time we have in case Gunnar does call me. I don’t need to say anything else. I just need to be with Dixon for as long as I can be before I go home and face what happened between Gunnar and me.

Leave it alone, Kennedy.

He just needs some time, Kennedy. It’s how he deals with shit, you know it.

Since when the hell do you worry about Dixon so much?

Everything that Gunnar has said to me over the past few days runs on a loop as I drive. I should listen to him and leave Dixon to figure out whatever it is he’s going through on his own, but after what happened in his basement, I can’t. He’s hurting, and I feel like he thinks he can’t come to me because he doesn’t want to look weak. He’s pulled away from all of us. Instead of coming to dinners, he makes excuses and dodges us all at every opportunity. He won’t answer my calls or messages and it has me worrying that maybe it’s more than just the fire and the loss of men from the fire house that has him running away. Me confessing that I’ve fallen in love with him has me scared that that is what he is truly afraid of. That I’ve pushed too far and crossed a boundary he isn’t ready for. I should know not to push boundaries by now, shouldn’t I? Every problem in my life right now is because I have crossed a clearly drawn line. Now not only do I have one relationship on the rocks because of my bad timing, but two.

No escaping your self-induced clusterfuck now, huh, Kennedy?

I know that I should listen to Gunnar because in the back of my mind I can see he’s starting to suspect something is wrong, but I can’t stop myself from going to Dixon right now. After waiting for Gunnar to head out for the game I jumped in my car and took off without even thinking about what I was going to say when I saw him.

Pulling into the parking lot of the station, I park beside his truck and get out. At least I know he’s not dead in a ditch somewhere like I was afraid of since he’s been ignoring me. Slamming the car door behind me, I ignore everyone as I walk through the station and search for Dixon. When I find him, he’s laughing with a few of the guys at a table. It’s forced, even I can tell that, but it’s more than what he has given me the past few days. When he notices me the smile drops from his face and he excuses himself from the table. Tilting his head toward the bunks, I follow him, sitting down on the edge of his bed. He drops down on the other end, sliding back so he can lean against the wall and be as far away from me as the space will allow. It might only be a few feet, but right now it feels like an ocean separating us.

“Glad to know you’re still alive,” I finally say.

“I can’t fuck you right now if that’s what you’re here for, Kennedy.”

Swinging my head toward him, I stare, completely at a loss for words. How fucking dare him. “You think…” I start but let the sentence hang between us for a minute. “You think that’s what I came here for? You think that just because you showed up at my work when I was ignoring you just to fuck me that I came here for the same thing? What the hell is wrong with you?”

“It’s all I’m good for, Kennedy. It’s the only thing I can do right, and right now I can’t even do that for you.”

His voice is completely distant, eyes vacant. The words cut deep because I know damn well that he’s good for more than just that. How can he say that after everything we talked about the other day?

“Bullshit,” I whisper.

“I can’t do anything good for you, Kennedy.” Grabbing a magazine off the stand beside the bed, he starts flipping through it so he doesn’t have to look at me.

“You already have, Dixon. You do more for me than you know.” Sliding my hand across the mattress, I attempt to touch him but he pulls away before I have the chance.

He shakes his head, still not looking at me. “The only thing I do is fuck up lives. Your marriage is fucked because of me. Jared is dead because of me,” he trails off

“No, you’re wrong. If anything is fucked between me and Gunnar, it’s because of my choices, not you. I take responsibility for my decisions and Gunnar has his own shit. Jared died while you guys were doing your job. You couldn’t save him, Dixon. You can’t save everyone.”

“Don’t fuckin’ patronize me, Kennedy. It should’ve been me, because unlike Jared, I don’t have anyone waitin’ on me to come home after my shift. I don’t have anyone that needs me. He had a wife and three fuckin’ kids dependin’ on him to be there for them. He had somethin’ he could look forward to wakin’ up to every day.”

Tears threaten to spill over my lids but I take a deep breath, determined not to let them. “And you don’t?”

“What the hell do you think I have to look forward to every day? I wake up alone in an empty house. I lay there and the only thing I hear is the silence mockin’ me, provin’ to me just how much of a fuck up I really am.”

The door opens but the second the person on the other side sees that we’re talking, they turn around and walk out again. Turning my attention back to Dixon, I try to judge what he’s thinking now that he’s finally looking at me. “What about me, about us?”

“What about you? You have a husband which means there can never be an us. I’ve fucked up enough; I don’t want Gunnar to get hurt because of my mistake. After everything he and George have done for me, I should have never done this shit to begin with. So yeah.” He points between us. “This needs to stop before it goes too far.”

A pit forms in the bottom of my stomach as I think about everything we’ve gone through so far. My mind wanders, thinking about how just the other day I told him that I loved him and everything else that fell out of my stupid mouth. How can he do this? I need him. He took my monochrome life and the second he touched me, giving me exactly what I needed before I knew I needed it, it burst into full blown color. I don’t know what I’d do without both him and Gunnar. It wasn’t until this started that I realized what my life was really lacking, that I was missing pieces of myself that I didn’t know I needed.

“Too far?” I ask, barely hanging on to my composure, unable to believe this is happening right now. “Too far, like falling in love with you and realizing that it isn’t just my husband that I want anymore. That he isn’t the only person in my life that I need to make me feel whole. Because it’s true. I need both of you. Gunnar may have had my heart since we were young, but you have just as much of it now. Is that the
too far
that you’re talking about?”

“Yeah, Kennedy, it is. As fun as it was, this never should’ve gone past that first night. If we keep goin’ it won’t hurt only him, but all of us. Gunnar will lose every one of us because everyone knew and no one told him. There’s no comin’ back from a betrayal like that for us, let alone Mark and Lynsey. So go get in your car, go home, and give him all the babies he wants so you guys can live happily ever after. Stop puttin’ that shit off because you think something between us will ever work.”

A tear finally falls and Dixon tracks it as it rolls down my cheek but doesn’t move to wipe it away like he always used to. It has never mattered what was going on; throughout the years, if Dixon saw me crying, he would always dry my tears and try to figure out how to make it better. Now here he is watching me break because he is the cause of it and not doing a damn thing to make it better. His words, “if I hurt you somehow, I’m damn sure gonna fix it” run through my head, making me second guess everything he’s ever said.

“So this is what this feels like,” I mumble to myself in complete disbelief.

“Like what feels like?”

Turning my head, I stare at the floor in front of the door because I can’t bring myself to look at him anymore. “A broken heart and a failed relationship.”

“Wouldn’t know. I don’t have a heart to break and I wouldn’t consider fuckin’ you a few times a relationship.”

After all the things I said about the blondes he paraded in front of me, he hits me with the blow that sinks my heart. It shatters me, but I swallow and deliver a hit of my own in an effort to hurt him like he is hurting me right now. “Yeah, I forgot you were the Tin Man. Heartless and hopeless.”