Homecoming (2 page)
FAX FROM: Mayor J. A. Sutter, Mayor’s Office, Carson’s Bluff, CA
FAX TO: F. H. Mansion c/o Administrative Headquarters, Mansion Enterprises, San Francisco, CA
Dear F. H. Mansion,
We are happy to hear that you can come to Carson’s Bluff in early June. Early June tends to be landslide season… Still, if the roads give out, the City Council can always send a rescue squad. Use a four-wheel drive. The bigger the better.
You’ll probably be tired when you return. We can always reschedule. Carson’s Bluff operates on slow time. There’s no hurry.
I’m sheriff and mayor because no one else wants to be. Ditto for my brother Wyatt, who is City Treasurer, and my sister, who is Town Clerk. Carson’s Bluff people aren’t real big on civic-mindedness.
I was named John Augustus, but no relation. My Mom was a Western history buff. She called my sister Lilly after Lilly Langtry and my brother Wyatt after Wyatt Earp. Friends call me Jack. Do your friends call you Freddie?
J. A. Sutter
FAX FROM: F. H. Mansion, c/o Hong Kong Mansion Inn
FAX TO: Ellen Larsen, c/o Inter Airways, Heathrow Airport, London
Hi El,
Hope I remembered your schedule and that you’re in London and not Bombay or Caracas. Thanks for reminding me about the spare room. It’s all I can do to remember what country I’m in.
My dreams right now are very prosaic. I dream of one good night’s sleep. In my own bed. Isn’t that sad?
For the record, all the six-foot-two blue-eyed hunks I’ve met lately are out for Uncle Frederick’s money. I get all my romance vicariously through books. Did you finish
Love’s Eternal Torment
? Wasn’t it great when she told him she was fine but she really had tuberculosis? I cried buckets. Is that sick or what? Springsteen is playing on the 3rd in SF. Should I have the company accountant buy tickets? Am leaving for Singapore this evening.
Love, Federica
May 22nd
Singapore
EMAIL FROM: [email protected]
Dear Uncle Frederick,
I was able to meet with the hotel manager, Mr. Jackson, only this afternoon, as I was slightly ill in the morning. He is very anxious to show me the projected figures for the second semester later this evening. There are four international congresses scheduled for the fall, which should make up for the slight drop in profits this spring.
Will collect the documents and study them in my hotel room. I’m not feeling very well. I can always go over them on the flight back to San Francisco and can email him regarding our assessment.
The Carson’s Bluff appointment is firming up.
Love, Federica
EMAIL FROM: [email protected]
Federica,
Too bad you weren’t able to fully carry out the mission. Am very disappointed. Would remind you that the Singapore Mansion Inn is lagging far behind in our Pacific Rim line-up. Jackson had better have a good excuse. I imagine he took advantage of the fact that you didn’t conduct a thorough survey. I’ll have our people look over the figures when you get back. Can you make a stopover in New York to talk to Leslie Brooks? Would appreciate it.
Uncle Frederick
Fiumicino Airport, Rome
FAX FROM: Ellen Larsen, Inter Airways
FAX TO: Federica Mansion c/o Mansion Inn, Singapore
Hey honey,
My schedule was changed at the last minute, so now I’m in the Eternal City, but haven’t seen anything but the airport. Unfortunately, the Big Boss has decided that henceforth, we lazy bums can work double shifts, i.e. we can’t rest between flights. God I hate that man. Eat this fax.
I hope I can make it to SF by the 2nd or 3rd. Am crazily shifting schedules. Did you read
Terrible Temptation,
where he throws himself in front of the wagon train to save her? I smuggled it onto the flight and couldn’t put it down. I think some passengers complained when they didn’t get their coffee. I think I’m ready to quit. If your Uncle Frederick were human, I’d ask him for a job. Let me know if the Springsteen tickets are for real. You can reach me tomorrow at Tegel.
Love, El
Singapore
FAX FROM: F. H. Mansion, Singapore Mansion Inn
FAX TO: Sheriff J. A. Sutter
Sheriff,
I can’t set a date now, but our San Francisco office will be in touch soonest. I’m thinking of between the 31st of May and 2nd of June, depending. Thank you for your warm welcome. Mansion Enterprises has four-wheel drives, off-road vehicles and helicopters at its disposal, so whether Carson’s Bluff has a landslide in that time span or not doesn’t really make much of a difference.
John Augustus Sutter? Who was he? Lilly Langtry? Wyatt Earp I’ve heard of. Wasn’t there a TV show a long time back?
No, my friends definitely do not call me Freddie.
Best, F. H. Mansion
May 23rd
FAX FROM: F. H. Mansion, c/o Singapore Mansion Inn
FAX TO: Ellen Larsen, c/o Inter Airways, Tegel Airport, Berlin
Dearest El,
I hope this gets to you. I wanted to fax sooner, but I just flaked out. Seems I’ve got a bit of a temperature. One-hundred-three degrees, actually. Mr. Jackson, the hotel manager here, is so obsequious that he had the hotel doctor up in three seconds. The doctor said I needed rest. Ha. He’s never met my Uncle Frederick.
Anyway, I hope to wrap things up here in a day or two, then fly back. Have to make a stopover in New York, so won’t be back in SF until the 27th. God knows where I’ll find the strength to get to that hellhole in Northern California. The mayor kindly informed me it’s landslide season.
What will he think of next? Black holes? Still, who can blame him? They’re afraid of being taken over by Mansion Enterprises. I’d be afraid of being taken over by Mansion Enterprises, too.
Can you make it? I’m so looking forward to seeing you. Did you read
Endless Night
? Wasn’t the hero divine? All that luscious
sex
.
For the record, Marcus Jackson is five-foot-two, bald and married. The hotel doctor had mossy teeth and hadn’t changed his shirt in a week, I swear. I think I’ll stick to books.
Don’t pig out on the sauerkraut.
Love, Federica
Minutes of town caucus, Carson’s Bluff, May 23rd
Meeting began at 7:00 p.m. The meeting was called to order by Mayor J. A. Sutter. 1,378 people were present, holding 2,390 proxies, for a total of 3,768. The population of greater Carson’s Bluff being 2,682, the validity of proxies will be checked at a later date, when people (that means you, Lester) sober up.
Mayor Sutter informed the citizenry that Mansion Enterprises, a San Francisco-based hotel chain, has expressed interest in Harry’s Folly. The property has back taxes of more than $100,000 and is therefore, according to California state law, up for public auction.
It being the informed opinion of Mayor J. A. Sutter, Sheriff J. A. Sutter, Treasurer W. E. Sutter and various citizens whose opinions the mayor was able to sound out, that the purchase of Harry’s Folly by a big hotel chain would irrevocably change the pace of life in Carson’s Bluff, the mayor put it to the citizenry how best to stave off the takeover.
After various illegal and immoral suggestions had been rejected, it was decided by the town caucus that the best thing to do is to convince Mansion Enterprises that Harry’s Folly would be a foolish investment and that they’d be really sorry afterwards.
The motion was put to a vote to make Mansion Enterprises sorry. Ayes: 1,552. Nays: zero. The town caucus retired to Stella’s Bar & Grill at 7:32 p.m.
Signed, this day of the 23rd of May, 2005
Town Clerk
Lilly Langtry Sutter Wright
May 24th
FAX FROM: Ellen Larsen, Zaventem Airport, Brussels
FAX TO: Federica Mansion, c/o Singapore Mansion Inn
Sweetie,
How’s the temperature? One-hundred-three is no joke. The last time you were sick, as far as I know, was when we were in college together and you challenged that creepy jock to a beer-drinking contest. Whatever happened to him?
What do you mean, you’d hate to be taken over by Mansion Enterprises? You
have
been taken over by Mansion Enterprises. What do you think you’ve been doing for the past eight years? Having fun?
Against my better judgment, I accepted a dinner invitation from a passenger. I know better. Tell me I know better. I don’t know what was worse—his conversation or his breath. Why don’t I just throw in the towel? Good sex just isn’t going to happen any time soon.
Do I at least have Springsteen to look forward to or is Uncle Frederick going to stand in the way of that, too?
Kisses, El
May 25th
EMAIL FROM: [email protected]
Dear Uncle Frederick,
I’m sorry but you’ll have to cancel the New York meeting. I worked with Mr. Jackson until midnight, and we managed to settle a lot of things. I think some of the problems might lie in a lack of communications with the head office.
I seem to have this stubborn temperature of one-hundred-three and the hotel doctor won’t let me travel. Sorry. Tell Leslie Brooks that he can email me the documentation in PDF format and I’ll get out there as soon as possible. Am going to bed now.
Love, Federica
May 26th
EMAIL FROM: [email protected]
Federica,
Very sorry you let Leslie Brooks down. He wanted to go over the quarterly reports with you. Hope you won’t renege on the Carson’s Bluff meeting.
Uncle Frederick
May 27th
FAX FROM: J. A. Sutter, Sheriff’s Office, Carson’s Bluff, CA
FAX TO: F. H. Mansion, c/o Administrative Headquarters, Mansion Enterprises, San Francisco, CA
The town caucus met and decided to review your offer. Let us know when you will be arriving and we will arrange transport. Landslides permitting.
There is an old legend that says that Harry’s Folly is haunted, but of course you won’t believe that nonsense. Still, if you want, Stella’s Bar & Grill has upstairs rooms to let out. I think Stella provides sheets, too.
How come you don’t know who John Augustus Sutter was? I thought you were from California?
J. A. Sutter
May 28th
From Changi International Airport, Singapore
FAX TO: Mayor J. A. Sutter
FAX FROM: F. H. Mansion
Sheriff,
I will be arriving in Carson’s Bluff by chauffeur around 11:00 p.m. on the 29th. I will be most happy to stay in Harry’s Folly. I will provide my own bedding, thank you.
I’m sorry I’m not up on local folklore. I
am
from California, sort of. I mean, I was born there, but—never mind. Could you arrange for a Town Council meeting on the morning of the 30th?
Best, F. H. Mansion
May 30th
Early morning
“Jack?”
“Christ, who is this?”
“It’s Lilly, Jack. Your sister. Tell me you’re not drunk.”
“Of course I’m not drunk. I’m asleep. What the hell are you calling me for at this hour—what time is it?”
“It’s one o’clock.”
“What’s wrong? Did Norman feed Cavendish the leftovers?”
“Very funny. Listen, Jack, about this Mansion person—”
“Yeah? Well, I imagine he’s pretty much settled up in Harry’s Folly by now. He’s going to be in for a few surprises. I can’t wait.”
“Jack—”
“Yeah?”
“Jack, F. H. Mansion is a girl.”
“He’s a
what!
”
“A girl, Jack. She’s a girl. A human of the female persuasion.”
“Well, fuck. How can you tell?”
“The car stopped at Stella’s for directions.”
“Well, maybe Stella was wrong. You know how she gets after a few beers.”
“I was there, Jack. F. H. Mansion is a girl. Believe me. A pretty one, too.”
“Well, hell, maybe he’s a transvestite.”
“Nope. Trust me on this one. She’s small and blond with big blue eyes, and she looked very sick.”