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“Hey.” She tugged him to a stop. “Are you okay?”

The sharp edge of panic cut deep when he felt his eyes begin to water—so he purposely avoided the shrewd perception he saw in her face and dropped his gaze. “I like your pajamas.”

“I’m wearing a shirt and some sweats.”

“Okay, so they’re not very revealing. But, because of the other night, I know what I can find under them.” He hoped the sexual nature of that comment would divert her, suggest a reason he’d knocked on her door, since he didn’t really have one. It was easier to come on to her than it was to tell her he’d just lost his best friend.

He thought that would put a decisive end to his visit, but she didn’t push him away, didn’t tell him he was a shallow jerk, like he deserved. She caught his face, forcing him to meet her eyes. “Why did you
really
come?”

Part of him wanted to level with her. To tell her he was confused, torn, even angry. But he couldn’t think of how to say it without including Baxter, and when tears of frustration came more readily than words, he did what he had to in order to distract her before she could realize he was standing on an emotional precipice.

“Because I want you,” he whispered, and he knew she’d have to believe it because, in spite of everything else, that was most definitely true.

* * *

Addy couldn’t figure out what was going on with Noah, but this wasn’t about sex. At least, not entirely. If she had her guess, alcohol hadn’t worked to numb the pain of whatever was bothering him—could it be Cody’s death, after all these years?—so he was trying something else.

She told herself to back away. She couldn’t get involved. But he seemed so vulnerable. And she’d dreamed of kissing him so many times over the years—in high school and even since she’d been back—that she couldn’t bring herself to move an inch. When he lowered his head, she stood in the chill autumn air, her bare feet seemingly frozen to the concrete. Then their lips touched and she experienced such a visceral reaction she could only lean in.

This was the boy she’d always wanted. And he kissed even better than she’d imagined....

“I’m happier already,” he murmured, sliding his arms around her and bringing her up against his chest.

Since he’d lifted his head to speak it was the perfect moment to break off the embrace. Instead, Addy clenched her hands in his hair and brought his lips back to hers, kissing him with all the passion she’d held at bay for a decade and a half. Soon they were both gasping for air and pressing into each other as if they were tempted to climb inside each other’s clothes.

“Wow,” he said. “See? You
do
like me. I don’t know why you had to make me feel like you didn’t. That wasn’t very nice.”

She almost smiled at his petulance.
Liking
him had never been the problem. Right now, surrounded by darkness and quiet, with all of Whiskey Creek asleep and unaware, it was easy to forget there
was
a problem. All that had come before, and all that might come after, didn’t seem important. Especially since she knew this brief interlude wouldn’t change anything—except maybe for the better. If she wanted Noah to forget about her all she had to do was give him what he wanted, become another of the many women who passed through his life. Once he conquered the challenge she’d stupidly provided, he’d move on. Tom had told her as much.

“It’s cold out here,” he said. “Let’s go to my house so I can get you warm.”

She was shivering, but cold had nothing to do with it. On the contrary, she was burning up inside, feeling more desire than she’d ever thought possible for someone who’d gone through what she had. How could it be that she still wanted Noah? That what she’d felt in high school had never really changed?

Her therapist would say she was a testament to the power of the human spirit to overcome and disassociate. Dr. Rosenbaum had said it before, but the fact that she could feel so normal, so much like she imagined other women felt when they encountered such a desirable man, surprised Addy.

“Gran can’t wake up to find me gone,” she said, struggling to hold on to the reality of her situation. “Not after—”

“Don’t think about what happened the other night,” he broke in. “I’ll get you back before she wakes up.”

She shook her head. “I’m sorry. I can’t...I can’t sleep with you.”

His breath fanned her skin as he kissed her neck. “Why not? I can tell you want to.”

He was right. He’d caught her at a weak moment. All these years she’d denied herself the kind of abandon she was experiencing now. She desperately wanted to forget, to let go at last. But she couldn’t have a relationship with him even if he decided he was interested.

“Why?”
he asked when she didn’t answer.

That old attraction had come out of hibernation stronger than ever, making her ask herself:
What about one night?

It wouldn’t mean anything to him, so she didn’t have to worry that he might be misled or get hurt. And
she
already understood their limitations.

There was just one problem.

“You’re drunk,” she said.

His tongue outlined the rim of her ear. “I’m not so drunk that I can’t make love.”

Oh, boy...
Scarcely able to breathe, she dropped her head back as his hands moved up, under her T-shirt. “I mean, you’re not capable of giving consent.”

At this, he lifted his head. “Are you serious?”

“Absolutely.”

“You don’t have to protect me.”

She stiffened. “Because...”

“I’m a guy. We want sex whether we’re drunk or not. And we don’t complain about getting it afterward.”

She could tell he was partly joking, but she wanted to be sure he knew what he was doing. “You should have a clear head when you’re making that choice.”

“Trust me.” He rested his forehead against hers. “I know what I’m asking for. And I’d choose you no matter what.”

He meant he’d choose having sex as opposed to not having sex. Tonight she just happened to be his potential partner. She had to keep the details straight, but it wasn’t easy, considering that his palms were lightly passing over the tips of her breasts.

Catching his wrists, she stopped him long enough to make him pull his hands out from under her shirt. “Sleeping with me won’t solve whatever has you so upset, Noah.”

He grinned as he gazed down at the response he’d drawn from her body, which was obvious despite her T-shirt. “But it’ll sure as hell make for a better night than
not
sleeping with you.” His smile faded as he looked up again. “I can deal with the rest in the morning. I’ll have to, anyway.”

“The rest of
what?
” she asked. What was wrong with him? Was this about last night? Or about something else?

“Don’t ask. It’ll just ruin...
this.
” He kissed her again, soft and lingering and wet enough to make her think she’d lose her mind if she continued to resist.

She thought of Gran. She thought of Cody, Kevin, Derek, Tom and Stephen. And she thought of the therapist who’d helped her recover. Dr. Rosenbaum would, no doubt, warn her against this. She’d come so far since the attack, didn’t want to backslide.

But couldn’t this be called progress? She felt so
alive,
so eager to be physical. With the men who’d come before him, she’d just wanted to pull away.

“Don’t start thinking,” he said.

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t want you to say no.”

She chuckled at how straightforward he was. “Let me get some shoes. I’ll walk you home, make sure you don’t fall in a ditch or stumble into the road.”

He gave her a searching look. “You won’t stay the night?”

“I can’t,” she replied.

But once they reached his house, he seemed so disappointed by the idea of being rejected, she couldn’t maintain her refusal.

“I don’t have a breathalyzer,” he said as he urged her inside, “so what am I going to have to do? Walk a straight line? Recite the alphabet backward?”

It didn’t say much for her resolve that he didn’t have to do either of those things. All he had to do was kiss her and keep kissing her until they were in his bedroom.

15

A
delaide knew this wasn’t the way to come out of the nose dive that had been her first week in Whiskey Creek. She was supposed to be keeping her distance from Noah, not cutting anchor and sailing straight into the storm.

But she couldn’t imagine this would be the start of anything long-term. He’d never had a serious girlfriend, so there was that consolation. By morning, he’d say he wasn’t looking for a committed relationship but he hoped they could remain friends. And she’d say she understood completely and hoped the same thing. Then they’d go their separate ways, and if she was lucky, he’d feel so self-conscious about not calling her afterward, he wouldn’t even come into Just Like Mom’s.

Having him step out of her life would be so much easier than trying to force him out. Then she wouldn’t have to battle her natural inclinations. She could mind her own business, like she’d planned from the beginning, and try to forget this potent high school crush that kept reasserting itself, despite that nightmare of a graduation party
and
the passage of fifteen years.

“You’re thinking again....”

She couldn’t help it. She was looking for pitfalls. She didn’t want to regret this later. But she was pretty sure she’d regret stopping even more. It wasn’t as if she’d feel this way about just any guy. Not counting the rape, she’d slept with two men, including Clyde, who’d become her husband, but there’d been very few fireworks involved.

One big hurrah and then...Noah would exit stage left.

Refusing to be hampered by any more doubt, she tugged on his shirt, and he lifted his arms so she could peel it off. “You look...” She didn’t want to reveal how much she admired what she saw—since she knew she felt more than she should. “Just like I thought you would,” she finished.

“Let’s see if I can say the same.” He fingered the hem of her T-shirt to indicate that he wanted to take it off.

Despite a nervous flutter in her stomach, she raised her arms.

“Beautiful.” He tossed her shirt away but he certainly wasn’t looking in that direction when he said this. He seemed mesmerized by the sight of her, and Addy could honestly say she’d never felt anything more exciting.

When he didn’t make any move to touch her, however, she covered herself with her arms. She wasn’t bold enough to continue standing there with her shirt off and the lights on. “I’ve always been kind of skinny.”

Sometimes she still felt like that awkward girl he’d so casually ignored.

“Don’t be nervous.” He removed her hands. “You might’ve been skinny before but you’re perfect now.”

“So—” she swallowed hard “—why are you just...
staring
at me?”

He pinned her arms at her sides as he kissed one breast. “The anticipation is half the fun.”

That sent another ripple of pleasure through her. Obviously, he was better at this than she was. But she’d expected to be a novice in comparison. “Okay, maybe...” She cleared her throat. “Maybe we could turn off the lights.”

He chuckled. “Are you
still
that shy?”

“No.” She shook her head, adamant. “Not anymore.” She’d worked so hard to overcome that. “It’s just...I haven’t been with very many men. I’m not as used to this as you are.”

He stepped closer, until his bare chest brushed against hers. “You were married.”

It was becoming increasingly difficult to keep track of the conversation. “For a few months. And I’m pretty sure he slept with one of the waitresses at the restaurant more than he slept with me.” She laughed as if she’d been making a joke, but she’d always feared that Clyde had preferred the waitress because she wasn’t any fun in bed.

“Was he your first?”

“My second. There was one other guy...before.”

“They always turned off the lights?”

“I guess.” She couldn’t remember. But she hadn’t been as self-conscious with them, hadn’t cared as much what they thought of her. That was why she’d chosen them. They were safe, nothing like Noah. At that point in her recovery, she hadn’t been ready for a man who affected her as deeply as Noah.

“I’ll turn them off if you want, but...this is a sight worth seeing. Just looking at you makes me hard as a rock.”

When her face heated, he chuckled again. “Wow, it’s been a long time since I’ve seen a woman get embarrassed so easily.”

Suddenly afraid she was making a mistake, she pulled away. “I’m not very good at this. I should go.”

She tried to circumvent him so she could get to her shirt.

“Addy.” His hands rested on her shoulders as he turned her around. “Don’t go.”

“I don’t have the experience you want.”

“I don’t care about experience. All I care about is being with you. The lights can go off. You can have anything you want.”

When she glanced at her shirt as if she was still tempted to pick it up, he grasped her chin. “It’s okay,” he murmured. “I wasn’t making fun of you. To be honest, it’s been a long time since I’ve wanted a woman so badly.”

The sincerity in those words almost had her believing them. But she told herself comments like that had to be common when it came to casual sex.

She hesitated, but before she could decide what to do, he backed her up against the wall, where he could reach the light switch.

“You have nothing to worry about,” he insisted, and plunged them into darkness.

“What about birth control?” she asked.

“I’ve got birth control.”

She had other things to worry about. But once he lowered his head to her breast she couldn’t remember a single one.

* * *

Sex had become so mechanical lately, so meaningless. But it wasn’t that way with Addy. Making her gasp or moan made it all feel new. The first time they made love, Noah was too caught up, couldn’t worry much about anything. He just went with the demands of his body. But the second time, he was determined to bring
her
to climax—and became frustrated when he couldn’t. She wouldn’t relax, wouldn’t let go. It was only when he refused to give up that she finally admitted she’d
never
had an orgasm while making love.

He could hardly believe it. She’d been married. What had been happening in that bed if she hadn’t been getting any sexual gratification from her husband?

“It’s okay. I’ve had fun,” she said when he slumped over to rest.

It was almost four in the morning. After what had occurred at the cabin, this night felt as if it had lasted a week. But Noah couldn’t leave her unsatisfied. He wanted to be the one to make it happen, and not just because of male pride. He hated that the two guys she’d been with before hadn’t, for whatever reason, helped her have that experience.

“There must be something wrong with me,” she said with a self-deprecating laugh.

She was offering him an excuse to finish without her. She’d probably offered the same excuse to the other two men she’d been with, and they must’ve accepted it or she wouldn’t be in this situation. But he highly doubted she had a physical problem. It was her shyness that stood in the way. She was so quick to withdraw, to assume a protective stance, physically and emotionally. He could
feel
her holding back....

“You can’t be defensive or self-conscious or it won’t work,” he said.

“I’m not defensive.” She didn’t argue about being self-conscious. “I told you in the beginning...I’m not good at this.”

“That’s bullshit,” he said. “That belief is part of the problem. You’re not being graded, you know. I’ve loved every minute of it, but I want you to love it, too.” He’d been aroused and so intent on keeping
her
aroused, on exploring her body, that he suddenly realized he might not have given her what she really needed—and that was a little more gentleness, a little more reassurance. She had to be able to trust him enough to quit shutting down as soon as she felt she might lose control.

“There’s no reason it should be difficult,” he added. “You’re safe with me.”

Her hands gripped his arms. “Noah, I...I really don’t think I can.”

“I know you’ve been through some shit in the past. Your ex must be to blame for that. What a bastard. But I’m not your ex. Let go of whatever happened before, okay? Abandon all resistance.”

“You think I’m resisting?”

“I know you are.” He kissed her again, this time soft and slow. “I want you to come,” he coaxed. “Let me make you come.”

“I’ve been trying!”

“Here...” He rolled onto his back, which brought her on top of him. “You take charge and do anything that feels good.”

There was a heartbeat of silence. Then she said, “
You’re
what feels good to me.”

The way she made that statement led him to believe it encompassed more than the physical. It was usually the kind of declaration that frightened him, that made him believe he was getting into a sticky situation. But somehow, tonight, he responded to that deeper element,
wanted
it to be there.

He liked this woman. He liked her a lot.

“You’re what feels good to me, too,” he admitted.

She stared down at him. He could see the shine in her eyes, even though she was barely visible in the moonlight cutting through the blinds. It felt as if he’d finally reached her on a profound level. And that made a difference. When she started to move, it wasn’t all about the gasps and groans and physical pleasure he’d experienced so many times before. This was a more intimate connection. He didn’t care if the sex was perfect; he only cared that she felt safe to enjoy it. And, oddly enough, he wasn’t thinking about how he could slip out of the relationship without hurting her when it was over. He was letting himself go, too, in a way he’d never let go before, and that made this very different.

How ironic that he would feel what he was feeling on the night Baxter had tried to kiss him. It was as if the pendulum of his emotions had swung all the way back to the other side. He was excited, turned on, attracted enough to pursue this woman.

“See?” he whispered. “Feel the rhythm. You can start out nice and easy....”

She did move nice and easy, but not for long. He smiled as the tension began to escalate, because he could tell she was experiencing the same growing pleasure he was. Too carried away to respond to his instructions, she arched her back and rocked faster and faster, and he helped her keep the rhythm with his hands on her thighs.

Considering how hard he’d tried the first time around, he’d expected this to take a while. But it didn’t. After just a few minutes, he sensed that she was close, and that got him so excited he almost ruined it for her.

“Addy!” He could only say her name, but he was trying to warn her that he couldn’t hang on much longer.

“Not yet,” she gasped.

Clenching his hands in the bedding, he scrambled to concentrate on other things in an attempt to last. But then he heard her groan and felt that distinctive shudder and nothing could’ve stopped him from joining her.

* * *

Addy woke from a deep and dreamless sleep to the feel of a warm body curved protectively around hers. It took a moment to remember where she was, to realize this wasn’t Clyde, who was the only man she’d ever woken up with before.

Then panic set in. What time was it? Had Gran gotten up and found her gone?

Lifting her head, she searched the darkness for Noah’s alarm clock—and sagged in relief. It was only five-twenty. Gran didn’t get up until six or six-thirty. If she hurried, she could make it back to her room before Gran even knew she’d been gone.

Careful not to wake Noah, she slid out of bed and began searching for her clothes. Her shirt and shoes were in the living room. She remembered that. But her panties and sweat bottoms had to be here...somewhere.

“Hey, you okay?”

Noah’s sleepy words made her freeze. “Fine. I’m...everything’s okay. Go back to sleep.”

“I’m not going back to sleep. I don’t want you out alone.” He started to get up. “I’ll walk you home.”

“No. You can’t. Someone could see us together.”

She heard the rasp of his beard growth as he rubbed his face. “Oh, right. And the way we look, there’d be no question as to what we’ve been doing.” He laughed as if imagining the sight they’d make. “What time is it?”

“Early, but there could be a few cars out and, in Whiskey Creek, that’s all it would take.”

He raised himself into a sitting position. “Will you be okay on your own?”

She used her feet to feel across the carpet. “Of course. It’s only a couple of blocks.”

“But after what happened on Wednesday, I’m afraid—”

“That won’t happen again.”

The tone of his voice changed. “How do you know?”

He was asking her to be honest with him about the night he’d rescued her from the mine, but she couldn’t. What he knew from having found her was all he could ever know. Even that was too much. “I just do.”

“Will you tell me something?”

She found her panties. “What?”

“Your ex-husband’s name?”

She said nothing.

“That’s a no?”

“Why does it matter?” she asked.

“I’d like to talk to him.”

“About what?” She located her sweatpants hanging over the arm of a chair. “You don’t even know him, and he’s no longer part of my life.”

“He’s the one who hurt you, right?”

“No!”

“You’re protecting
someone.
”

“Forget it, okay?” she said as she slipped on her sweats. She started for the living room, then realized she should say something in parting. “Um, thanks for...”

“For?” he prompted when she couldn’t come up with the appropriate words.

“A good time.” She blanched at how clichéd that sounded but tried to rally. “I had fun.”

There was a slight pause. “So did I.”

She’d been covering her bare chest even though it was probably too dark for him to see her. “Bye.”

“Wait a sec. Will you turn on the light?”

“I’m not dressed.”

“You don’t want me to
see
you? After last night?”

“There’s no need for you to wake up all the way,” she said, and dashed out to get her shirt.

She could hear him getting up. The light went on a second later. He was naked when he carried out a slip of paper. “Here’s my cell phone. Give me a call after you’ve had a chance to get some sleep. I’ll take you to dinner.”