Home to Eden (18 page)

“You did!” Nicole assured her. “It would help me enormously to know why Joel sought out Dr. Rosendahl. I know this won't concern you—so many people who don't know what they're talking about ridicule ‘shrinks,' which is what Joel called them. He was like that. So it must have been something compelling to get him into therapy.”

Sonya considered deeply. “Even if I knew, my dear, I couldn't tell you.”

“You might if you realized not telling me could put me or some member of my family in serious danger. You may not believe this, either, but I've given my
heart to Drake McClelland. If you remember, Drake is David McClelland's nephew.”

“You're in love with him?” Sonya brightened.

“I'm madly in love with him, but I don't trust him, or me.”

Sonya's eyes widened and she gave a little gasp. “Why not?”

“I've lost the knack of trusting, Sonya.”

“You were separated so violently and so suddenly from your mother. You don't trust life.”

“It's a little more complex than that. Drake has inherited Kooltar from his father. Kooltar is our neighbor. Drake has his maiden aunt still living with him. She hates me as much as she hated my mother.”

“I remember the story, Nicole,” Sonya said quietly. “You think McClelland revenge is somehow mixed up with the relationship? He and his aunt have a plan?”

Nicole gave a deep anguished sigh. “It's such an extreme view, melodramatic, but the fact is, Drake wants Eden. He makes no bones about it, although he says he's prepared to wait until such time as it ever comes on the market.”

“You've considered selling?” Sonya raised her eyebrows in surprise.

“No. Drake won't get it. Unless…he marries me.”

“I see.” Sonya glanced away over the garden. “He's been very successful so far. You said you're madly in love with him.”

“Which doesn't mean it will lead to marriage. Marriage is a very serious step.”

“You feel you would be selling yourself
and
Eden? You can't conceive he may love you for yourself
alone? You're a beautiful, intelligent woman. You would never lack suitors.”

Nicole kept her eyes on the garden, its latticed walls covered in white iceberg roses. “I know he wants me. But I torment myself with the idea I might only be part of the picture. Drake is very ambitious. He has big plans.”

“Surely you're not the only girl in the world for such a man?” Sonya asked dryly.

“I'm the only one who owns Eden,” Nicole said wryly. “Eden boasts a fine stream, the Minareechi, that cuts a swathe through the station. Permanent deep water, priceless in drought.”

Sonya frowned, staring at her hands. “Is it possible someone could be poisoning your mind? Your cousin, Joel, hasn't he been managing the station in your absence?”

“Yes, but not all that well, Sonya. No one can match my grandfather.”

“He's a hero in your mind?”

“Of course,” Nicole answered without hesitation, though she had heard the surprise and doubt in Sonya's tone. Obviously not everyone saw her grandfather the way she did, a man who'd shown her unconditional love. “Joel dislikes Drake. He's been jealous of him since we were children together. Drake is everything Joel is not.”

“That would motivate Joel to put Drake down at every opportunity.”

“I suppose. I rely too much on my instincts.”

“Which, my dear, can be amplified and distorted by emotions—anxiety, fear, anger, falling in love. Your Drake sounds like a dominant person. Perhaps you fear
being controlled? Perhaps you fear love itself? In your mind you may not clearly be distinguishing between love and loss.”

“It's a great pity you've retired, Sonya,” Nicole said with a sigh. “I'd have to come to you for further counseling.”

“I can recommend an excellent colleague should you really feel the need,” Sonya answered very seriously. “Staying sane is a battle when so many things work against us. Modern life, old traumas. Are you going to allow this love affair with Drake McClelland to continue?”

Nicole felt the betraying blush move over her skin. “Caution is thrown to the winds when I'm in his arms. Being in love is so…disruptive.”

“It's also the most wonderful feeling in the world.” Sonya smiled warmly. “Love is the great healer. It's our best chance at the future. The right man, Nicole, will be the embodiment of your dreams, as Jacob was mine. I'll think carefully on all you've told me. Would you like a stroll around the gardens? Irene and Carl have five or so acres, three of them devoted to gardens—the rest is bushland. Gardens are marvelous when one is under stress.”

J
OEL REACTED
violently when Nicole found the courage to ask him about his visits to Jacob Rosendahl. She could keep quiet no longer. Joel had no right to keep that sort of information to himself.

“Who the hell told you?” Her question had robbed him of all attention. The Toyota hit a succession of deep, bone-jarring corrugations.

“Watch the road, would you?” she exclaimed in alarm. “I'm asking a simple question, Joel, so what's the problem answering? I understand perfectly you felt the need to speak to a professional. Dr. Rosendahl knew our story.”

“Who told you?” Joel repeated, teeth gritted, his gray, green-flecked eyes narrowed in anger. “Was it McClelland? I've got the feeling something is going on between you two.”

“Would it be any of your business if something were?” she snapped, tired of his jealousy of Drake.

“How can you say that?” He shot her a look full of reproach. “Since childhood we've told each other everything.”

“So why, then, didn't you tell me you'd been seeing Dr. Rosendahl, instead of keeping it to yourself all this time? Why didn't you confide in me when I told you he'd been killed? For that matter, why didn't you
tell me what was troubling you? Maybe I could have helped.”

“You're the last one who can help,” he said bitterly. “Anyway you aren't here most of the time, remember? You make your escape to New York.”

“I'm here now. Can't you confide in me?”

He swung the four-wheel drive off the rough track and into the shade of a stand of bauhinias decked out in bridal white.

“Answer me, Nikki. Was it McClelland?” He turned off the engine. The hot silence was complete.

“Is that an order? I don't take orders from you, Joel.” Her temper was rising. “Drake knows nothing about it.”

“Make sure you keep it that way,” he warned, two vertical lines between his eyebrows. “So who was it? That sanctimonious little bitch, Shelley Logan? Brock must have told her. Couldn't keep his mouth shut.”

“Why couldn't
you?
” she challenged. “Brock Tyson didn't need to know your private affairs.”

“I didn't
tell
him.” The knuckles of the hand resting on the wheel were white. “I'd had too much to drink and it just slipped out. He was bloody quick, because I know I shut up like a clam. Why are you starting this, Nikki? I've got one hell of a headache.”

“I'm sorry, but you're the one getting upset. Is the problem so private you can't tell me?”

“Ah, it was nothing,” he said dismissively. “I was having a few nightmares.”

“About what?”

Joel swept off his akubra and ran a wretched hand through his sun-streaked hair. “You're not blaming me for going to him, are you?”

All of a sudden she was full of pity. “Joel, dear, of course not.” She squeezed his arm, thinking he looked thin and hollow-eyed. “I'm your friend always. We're cousins. We share a strong bond.”

“I love you, Nikki,” he said with fervor, totally without embarrassment.

Nicole was suddenly very conscious that their faces were only inches away. “Of course you do. And I love you.”

“Don't ever leave me.”

That hit a raw nerve. “Stop it, Joel. We're in each other's lives.”

“For always. That's our destiny. I'll never let you marry McClelland.”

“What a break for him!” she said, hoping to make Joel veer off in another direction. “What makes you think Drake would want to marry neurotic old me?”

“He'd be a bloody fool if he didn't, and he's no fool. It's only a matter of time, Nikki, before he sets the scene for the big proposal.”

“What makes you think I'd say yes?” she snapped, her nerves fraying.

“You wouldn't let him take advantage of you, I know. You're too smart. But you're going to need every ounce of your resolve. He's after you because he's after Eden.”

“Whatever!” She made her voice falsely bright and uncaring. “He'll never get it.”

“That's my girl.” He lifted the hand nearest him and kissed it tenderly.

“Quit that,” she said sharply, snatching her hand away. “Joel, I want to get someone in to help you.
Look at you! You're working yourself ragged. I don't like to see that.”

“What are we talking about here?” He looked at her suspiciously. “Not someone over me?”

“No way!” She shook her head. “I said someone experienced and capable to help you. You manage the station. He'll be your offsider, your overseer.”

He gripped her hand again. “Why are you saying this, Nikki? Aren't you happy with the way I'm running things?”

This time she had to wrench her hand out of his grasp. “I think we can do better, Joel. The operation is too big for just you. Siggy isn't getting any younger. Your father never does anything but take it easy. Surely you can see it's for the best.”

Joel gave her one long look. “As long as he's not over me.”

“You have my word. You're family.”

“You're a businesswoman, aren't you?” He smiled.

“Granddad showed me the ropes.”

“The old bastard never showed me.”

“That's not true, Joel. Please don't call our grandfather a bastard. I don't like it.”

“He'd have moved heaven and earth for you, Nikki. Never me.” Joel's voice was flat, cold.

“I have sympathy for you, Joel, but Granddad was never unkind. I never heard him raise his voice to you.”

“He didn't have to, to get things across. Good old Sir Giles, God bless him! He sure gave Dad a rough time.”

“Dear God!” Nicole groaned, staring with exas
peration out the window. “Your father has never had to lift a finger. I wouldn't call that a rough time.”

“I mean, Grandfather despised him. You could see it in his eyes, the smooth way he had of talking to Dad.”

“Granddad didn't despise him enough to send him on his way,” Nicole answered fierily. “Neither did your father drum up the pride to go.”

Joel shook his head slowly. “We aren't your kind of people, are we, Dad and me?”

“I don't know what you're talking about, Joel. You're fine. I get on well enough with your father. He doesn't really bother anyone.”

“It's guys like McClelland you admire.” Joel's voice was as much desperate now as angry. “McClelland, Outback Baron. Hell, he was made for the part.”

“Why are you so jealous of Drake?” she asked quietly.

“Good God, don't you know?” He stared straight ahead through the windshield, not meeting her eyes.

“You feel dreadful I inherited Eden, is that it? Drake inherited Kooltar from his father. Granddad left Eden to me. It isn't fair, is it,” she said sadly.

Joel plunged back into anger. “I don't give a damn about Eden. I wish to hell I'd got out of here years ago. After your mother…I should have gone then.”

She shook her head as if to clear it, for a moment unable to speak. “Is this what you wanted to talk to Dr. Rosendahl about, Joel? You're tortured by your feelings? You're at war with your environment? You don't want to be a cattleman? Who cares! I guess Granddad knew you didn't really want it—but he left
you rich. You're not stuck here without money dependent on me or anyone. You can do what you like. Go anywhere.”

“Away from you? You still don't get it? I would
die
away from you.”

Her voice held all her deep dismay. “Joel, please don't say that and in that way. It's so extravagant. It smacks of obsession. We're not joined at the hip like Siamese twins. You'll get married, raise a family. Hopefully when I get myself together, so will I. Why didn't I realize you were so full of resentments? They're so destructive. It's a wonder you don't hate me. You don't hate me, do you?” she asked softly, trying to draw him out of his intensely emotional mood.

“Sometimes. Just a little.” He gave her his attractive lopsided smile.

“What can I do to make it up to you?”

“Let me go.”

She stared back at him, breathless with shock. “Joel, I'm not forcing you to stay here on Eden. I want what you want. You're free to leave tomorrow if that's how you feel.”

His voice turned harsh. “God, you never get it! Why is that? Are you blind?”

Nicole's stomach started to churn. She had to make a move to cut Joel's dependence on her. But how? “I think I'm going to be sick.” She opened the passenger door, lurched out onto the fiery sand covered with tufts of burnt Mitchell grass.

Within seconds Joel came around the hood to join her. He put an arm around her, his eyes holding a depth of concern that was almost fierce. “It's the
heat,” he said, staring at her pale face. “Why were we talking in the car? It's too bloody hot. Sit down for a moment, Nikki. I don't know what I was thinking, upsetting you so. I'll get a drink of water from the canteen.”

“Thanks.” Nicole lowered herself dizzily to the ground. Spent bauhinia blossoms rained on her head, on her shoulders, fell to the scorched earth. She was reluctant to face it, but Joel's attachment to her was starting to become more than a burden. It was becoming a threat.

Joel was back within seconds. “Drink up,” he said, his voice still filled with anxiety. “As soon as you feel better, I'll take you home.”

“Good idea.” She stared past him at the crystal mirage. The mirage was a phenomenon of the desert, creating beautiful and terrible illusions. She had lived with it her whole life just as she had lived with her cousin, Joel. They were siblings—that was how she saw them. Now she had to face the hard fact that Joel had far more than brotherly feelings for her. Had she ever really known him, or had it all been illusion? Whatever the answer, she appeared to be central to Joel's life.

Didn't that put him in direct conflict with Drake?

 

N
ICOLE FOUND HERSELF
driven to question Siggy privately, try to determine if Siggy had known about Joel's visits to Dr. Rosendahl, with both deciding to keep it from her.

Siggy's reaction was amazement, then outrage, as though the questions constituted extreme harassment.

Her third reaction was betrayal. “How dare he?”

“Calm down, Siggy. What do you mean, how dare he? Joel doesn't need you to grant permission.”

“I'll be damned!” Siggy struck the kitchen table where she'd been writing up menus for the dour Mrs. Barrett, who just happened to save her job by being a great cook. “Aren't your kids supposed to tell you things? All right, he's no kid, but surely to God he can come to me with his problems. I'm his mother, after all!”

“You can't tell him I told you, Siggy.”

“The son of a bitch!” Siggy swore from habit, her tone flinty.

“That's great, seeing as you're his mother.” Nicole gave her a wry look.

“You've upset me, Nikki.” Siggy dropped her head into her hands.

“I'm sorry. I don't mean to upset you, but Joel upset me.”

Siggy glanced up, eyes firing. “Now,
that
I find very distressing. It has to be for the first time. I mean, he has you way up there on a pedestal.”

“Where I absolutely don't want to be,” Nicole said in extreme exasperation. “I hope you're not blaming me for it. The big trouble is, Joel's had no one else to put there.”

“You really don't think so?” Siggy drew herself up, looking affronted.

“Lord, Siggy, I remember a time when you called him dopey on a regular basis.”

“It was nothing personal.” Siggy had the grace to color. “He was always forgetting things.”

“I never heard you call your husband dopey. The occasional ‘darling.' I used to wonder about that.”

“Leave Alan out of this,” Siggy warned.

“I wasn't under the impression he was ever in it. I'm worried about Joel. And that's the truth.”

“Sure,” Siggy agreed miserably, “I've been worrying about Joel for most of his life. If I didn't know better, I'd say I never bore him. Don't think it's easy being married to Alan, either. I swear he's never loved me.”

“Shoot him,” Nicole suggested lightly.

“It's tempting.”

“Better yet, divorce him.”

Siggy shrugged. “Might as well. I've got nothing better to do. He fell in love with Corrinne the instant he laid eyes on her. It wasn't a case of Corrinne stealing him away. Corrinne had men falling in love with her for most of her short life. She never even saw them. No one was important to her but David. She was David McClelland's girl.”

“It's just that she ran off with Heath.” Nicole gave her aunt a bewildered glance. “That's one hell of a bad joke, Siggy. How is Heath? He told me he was okay.”

“He'll go when he gets the call,” Siggy said with quiet fatalism. “He seems to be at peace. He's very grateful to you for letting him stay here.”

“How would I clear it with my conscience if I didn't?” Nicole said. “To get back to Joel. Have you any idea at all why he'd go to Dr. Rosendahl? He only told me he was having nightmares.”

“Nightmares,” Siggy said, “have been happening to me for most of my married life.” She started to laugh, then abruptly stopped. “Joel's bedroom is too far away for me to hear him if he yelled. Actually, I
find myself disputing that. Joel's like his father. He sleeps like a log. He slept through all the furor that dreadful morning your mother didn't come home. My understanding is Joel didn't rate psychological testing very highly. Or the persons who conducted them. That included Rosendahl.”

Nicole rose to the doctor's defense. “Jacob Rosendahl was a man of immense presence. Much wisdom and understanding. He was a complete person.”

“Listen, that's okay. I agree with you, but Joel was absolutely livid whenever he was obliged to talk to him back then. Maybe I'll confront Joel. I want to get this straight. See what we're dealing with.”