Holding On (24 page)

Sitting here now drinking
my coffee, Sadey walks in.  She looks like hell.  I see
at least she ran herself through the same symbolic cleansing shower
as I had.  Hope she had better luck washing those pictures of
last night away.

“
Hey baby, how are you?”
 Stupid question but we may as well face our rawness in the
daylight with each other before facing the rest of the
world.

“
I think I’m okay, Mace.
 I got out a lot of tears out last night and after I finished
I took time to really clear my head, or try anyway.  Night is
always a bad time to think, we both know this.  So when I woke
up today things didn’t hurt as much.  I just want to chill
today. You know the boys are leaving tomorrow right?  I find
it hard to believe that Hem would change plan just based on the way
you and I left last night.  Please don’t be mad at me for
saying this, okay?”

I’m bracing myself because I see
something that resembles hope in her eyes, Sadey is always
hopeful.

“
I want to see him today
Mace.  That’s what I spent time thinking about last night. I
felt like I died a thousand deaths as I tried to come up with ways
to stop loving him. I can’t. He’s it for me, no more.”  She’s
nervous right now.  She looks almost scared of what my
reaction will be.

I reach to her hand that
is holding the edge of the table.  She’s shaking.  “Oh
Sweetie, of course you want to see Hem, I don’t fault you for that.
 I have to head into the Club anyway.  I want to clear my
stuff from Shame’s room before he leaves tomorrow.  I could
wait until after but he will lock his room down and I’m not putting
Gunner in the middle of anymore shit then I already have.  I
will just face Shame today if need be and get my things sooner
rather than later.”  She doesn’t say anything at all.
 Still hanging on to that table though.

“
Mace, don’t you want to
see Shame before he heads out?  I mean, what if he doesn’t
come back?  I don’t mean to sound harmful but what they are
doing, it’s dangerous.  I know you hate him for what he did to
you last night.  From what you told me, he was beyond brutal
and you didn’t deserve any of that, but this is Shame.  He’s
not just the Shame from last night, but he’s the Shame we’ve know
all our lives.  He loves you and you know he does, even if he
hurt you.”

She’s trying to get me to
see something that I don’t.  I can’t find the Shame I grew up
loving, all I see is this Shame the man who completely and utterly
tore every aspect of my life to bits and then calmly walked away,
bitch on each arm.  

“
No Sadey, I don’t need to
talk to Shame before he leaves.  There’s nothing to say.
 He’s not the same person to me anymore.  I’m sorry if
this hurts you, honey.  It’s just that Shame didn’t trust me
enough to even talk to me about what he was feeling before he
called us through in front of everyone in the Club. Bad enough this
happened, but I didn’t even get the courtesy of him doing it
between us, in a private moment.  He may as well have fucking
shot me in the heart, Sade. I’m so wounded and overcome with this
grief.  I know its only day one after hell, but I also know
myself enough to realize that this hurt is already a scar.  It
will always be there.  How can I ever trust him with anything
ever again, including my friendship?  I can’t take any more
risk with Shame, I gave him my heart and he gave it back to me
after he broke it because obviously he didn’t want it.”
 

The irony isn’t lost on me that last
night Sadey and I sat in the same house though apart from each
other, alone in our own rooms, crying over our men and woke up this
morning with two completely different perspectives.
 

“
I do need to finish
getting ready, if I’m walking into the Club and saying goodbye to
Hem before he leaves, then I’m gonna fix up this hot mess look I
have going on the best that I can.”  She giggles a bit then
heads out of sight leaving me to suffer in my own silence.
 

Shit.

*****

The club is quiet as Sadey and I make
our way inside.  I’m nervous as hell right now with fear of
seeing Shame.  My chest is tight and I feel like I’m about to
have a panic attack right here in the middle of the room, full of
witnesses.  I’m sure some of these witnesses would understand
being that they probably heard first-hand what happened last night
between Shame and I.

“
Mace, there’s Gunner.
 I’m going to ask him if he knows where Hem is, you don’t look
so good and the sooner we get out of here the better.”  Sadey
has her own set of issues but of course she’s worried about me.
 

“
Sadey. Mace.”
 Gunner greets us quietly.  He’s nervous too.  I’m
wondering if something happened to him last night after I left.
 Surely not, we were just talking.  Brushing that thought
away I start to relax and look around to be sure, for the hundredth
time that Shame isn’t here.  He’s not.

“
He’s out for the day so
you can chill.  He went to talk to one of the independent
riders that has some information about the Angels that we need
before heading out.  He also went alone so I suppose he felt
it was safe.”

Damn mind reader. “Doesn’t
matter, I’m just here to get my stuff and talk to Hem, thanks
though.  I do feel better knowing I don’t have to worry about
running into him today. Are you okay? Did anything else happen last
night after I left?”  I let out a breath of air.

“
Nah, got pretty quiet
around here after Hem told everyone the party was over. Last I saw
of him he was drowning himself in his whiskey. No one saw Shame
after, well you know. I’m sorry that happened. That was the last
thing any of us were expecting Shame to do after what had already
went down. Everyone is so uncertain right now.” He keeps his eyes
on me, so full of pity.

“
Gunner, have you seen
Hem?  Despite last night, we still need to wish him well on
his ride south.”  Sadey’s cool and calm demeanor rubs off on
Gunner and he relaxes his guarded composure.

“
Yep, think he’s out in
back. He was on his cell phone when I saw him step out a few
minutes ago.  You really want to talk to him Sade, then please
wait for him to come back.  I would prefer you not go out to
him alone, after last night he’s been even more difficult to deal
with. All the brothers are staying clear for fear of a striking him
up again.”

He frowns because he knows what
happened to Ace now, everyone does because Ace never came back last
night. “Hem has warned everyone that right now Ace isn’t welcome
here, he hasn’t been exiled from the brotherhood yet but doesn’t
stop Hem from making a statement to the rest of us.”
 

He looks at Sadey to make sure he
didn’t hurt her with his words, she already blames herself, even
though she did nothing wrong.  She’s alright, thank
goodness.

“
I’m in kind of a rush, I
don’t want to be here either so I will go get him and see if he has
a minute, promise I will be right back and won’t leave your sight.”
 

She doesn’t wait for Gunners reply,
she just turns on her heel and heads for the back door.  Both
Gunner and I hold our breath until she turns back and give us the
thumbs up in okay.

“
He’s looks alright,
mostly like shit but alright.  He said to give him just a
second.  He’s out there talking to Honor.”  No way can he
be alright. I’m not sure he even knows about Shame and I yet, if
Shame never came back then there is a good chance I may have to
explain that to him before he leaves. If I can find a way around
that I will, he can’t go on a long dangerous ride and be worried
about things back here. I won’t let Hem leave me here while we are
at odds either. I give Sadey credit for her positive outlook, she
actually thinks Hem is doing alright, it is better to let her think
that.

I hear Hem coming to us before I see
him.  I’m so scared to even turn around.  Then I feel him
grab my back and put me into one of his Hem bear hugs.  I’m
still scared but not of Hem, more because I know I’m here to talk
to him about this week and what he is doing is dangerous.  I
turn around him his arms and he crushes me harder to him.
 He’s scared too and this does nothing to soothe my
nerves.

“
Hi ya, buddy.” He
whispers but that’s all he says as he lets me go.  “Can we
talk a minute, alone?”  He can see my hesitation so he
continues.  “Sis, I just need a few words, I promise to
say what needs said then you can go.  I’m not a fool who
believes you want to talk to me right now but this is important, to
everyone.”

Looking at his exhausted
state, I nod.  Then he turns to my friend, “Sadey, hang tight
and I will be back in a few minutes. I’m serious, stay here and
don’t wonder.”  There is no emotion in his voice as he talks
to her, it sounds almost mechanical.

We walk to the front of
the house, I need air so I lead him out the front door and onto the
concrete drive.  Very few bikes are here, he must have really
scared off the crew last night and they have yet to come back
today.  Can’t imagine that bikers scare easy, but they sure
aren’t here to comfort him.  “Hem, I do have some things I
want to say...”  He stops be by holding up his hand near his
face and shaking his head back and forth.

“
No Mace, not now.  I
have a whole lot of bullshit headed my way.  Whatever is
brewing with the Angels is big, really fucking big.”

“
Then maybe you should
tell me at least a little of what his going on so I can be somewhat
prepared. Shit has never been this bad, Hem.” I look at him with
raised eyebrows hoping he decides to share something with
me.

Rolling his eyes and
giving me a heavy sigh, he continues. “We have got to find Switch,
and fucking fast.  There is talk among all the Clubs within
our general area that Angels are in process of changing Presidents
and shifting positions. This is a fucking problem, Mace. I need you
to know a few things before I go tomorrow because I trust you and
since you’re here I assume you also want to talk to me about how I
am fucking everything up, am I right?”

I just nod because when Hem
has something to say, it’s best to just let him have the floor.
 “I can’t love her, Mace.  I do love her,
but I
can’t love
her.
 She doesn’t belong here with me.
 She never has.  Shit, she’s just a kid and God knows I
will hurt her.  I fuck everything up, when have you known me
not to?  I mean, look around us. Look at my life.  I’m
literally headed out of town tomorrow to chase a killer, Mace.
 Willingly getting on my bike to drive across the country
putting myself, Shame, and other brothers in danger.”
 

He pauses because he’s
getting choked up.  “I love you, Mace.  Before I go I
want you to know that.  I tried to protect you from this
fucked up world, I really did.  Then you had to go and
surrender yourself to Shame, fuckin’ hell if I knew how to change
that. I never knew how avoid it because you were made for him, I
could never change that.  What you saw last night, I’m so
sorry.  I’m so fucking sorry for what I did to Sadey.
 That’s what made me finally realize I’m not good enough for
her.  I can’t focus on her right now, I don’t know that I will
ever be able to love her the way she deserves and....”
 

“
Enough!
Fuckin’ enough!  Dammit Hem!”  I’m beyond pissed!
 “You decide this
now
before you drive off to God knows where?
Seriously?  You have led this fucking life for years, Hem.
 For fucking years you have been this person.  Now you
want to change your fucking mind?  Are you shitting me with
this because I want to act like I didn’t just fucking hear what you
just said!  That beautiful woman loves you with her whole
heart, that’s the only way she know how to love.  It’s a gift
Hem, that woman is a fucking gift and you’re Goddamn idiot.
 She just wants you to talk to her, Hem.  Jesus, you have
lost your damn mind? You are a fool.  Would you like to see
her end up with someone like Ace?  Because honestly there are
plenty….”

“
Shut your fucking mouth,
Mace. Sister that is enough!”  Good! Got his attention, now in
for the kill.

I continue because he needs
to hear this.  I go for a swifter and softer tone though in
hopes to get him to continue to listen.  I lean in and grab
his cheek with the palm of my hand, “Because Hem, just because
she’s not with you doesn’t mean she won’t end up with a brother.
 You may be able to stop her from seeing someone here in your
Club, or you may not, but there are many other Clubs out there.
 You and I both know that
no
one
will take care of her like you do.
 She’s the way she is because she waited for you. She gave
herself to you during a dance while you held her with all the
gentleness that you have.  The woman has never once in her
life, asked you to give her anymore of yourself then you were
willing to give her. That’s what love is. She has only taken what
you have offered and to her, it’s enough. Recognize that before you
lose it. She is yours whether you want her or not.  I don’t
say this because she’s my best friend but because you two belong
together Hem, you make sense together.  When our whole world
turns to shit, as long as we have those people that make the world
right again, make it worth fighting for, we are always able endure,
right?  Hem, I love you so damn much, but fuck if you don’t
seriously relish on some self-inflicted pain.  I don’t accept
your words concerning this, I can’t.  I want you to take time
on that open road and think about all this. When you come back, if
you still aren’t sure about what to do then I want you to talk
Sadey, not me.  She has an opinion in this, this is her
relationship too and you can’t just take it all away without
discussing this with her.  You owe her at least that much,
don’t take away her power in this, please.” I’m begging Hem almost
on my behalf because now this is hitting a little too close to the
heart and my composure is failing.