Hold Me (28 page)

Starr laughed. “That sounds fun.”

“Not to me. It would have been a nightmare.” She paused, mentally feeling her way as she went. “I was so afraid of what I could become, that I started to ignore who I actually was. It was safe, but now I’m thinking it might not have been the right decision.”

She smiled at her sister. “I never would have let myself kiss a boy the way you did. I would have been too scared of what would happen. I ran from so many things.”

“Like your music?” Starr asked softly.

“Yes. Like my music.” She drew in a breath. “I guess I’m saying I’m a complete and total mess.”

“You’re not. You’re wonderful. You took me in.”

“I’m lucky you put up with me. You’re my sister, and I’m so grateful we’re making a life together.”

“Me, too.” Starr bit her lower lip. “You’re not going to stay married to Kipling, are you?”

“I don’t think so. We don’t want the same thing. I panicked when I found out I was pregnant. That wasn’t really smart of me. I still want to stay in Fool’s Gold. We’re still going to be a family. Just you and me.”

“And the baby.” Starr leaned toward her. “I’ll help. I can do things around the house.”

“Good. One of us should know what she’s doing.”

Starr laughed.

“We’ll get a house,” Destiny told her. “One we pick out together.”

Not the one where she and Kipling made love, she thought. Those were memories she wanted to avoid.

“Are you going to get another job?” Starr asked tentatively. “Can you work with a baby?”

A really good question. Income would be required. She didn’t doubt that Kipling would offer to pay child support, but that was money she would want to put away. In the meantime, she was perfectly capable and had a unique skill set.

“My mom’s manager has always told me he wants to put me to work writing songs. I’m going to call him and find out if he’s telling the truth.” She touched Starr’s arm. “In fact, I was thinking of going through what I have after dinner. Want to help me with that?”

Starr’s eyes widened. “Yeah. I’d love to.”

“Good. Let’s check out what’s thawing in the refrigerator.”

They rose, and Destiny led the way into the kitchen. But her mind was on the notebooks she’d stored in a box in her dresser. Notebooks filled with dozens of songs she’d written over the years. There were a few that would make beautiful duets. There might very well be some interest in a release sung by the daughters of Jimmy Don Mills.

She wasn’t willing to go on tour or anything like that, but maybe a studio album wasn’t out of the question.

“What’s so funny?” Starr asked. “You’re smiling.”

“Am I? I was just thinking that life is nothing if not ironic. I’ve spent years running away from who I am only to find out that’s the person I need to be.”

* * *

F
OR
A
WOMAN
who owned a business smack in the middle of town, Jo Trellis was a difficult person to find. Kipling had been to her bar three times, left voice mail and texts, and he’d yet to connect with her. From what he could tell, she was avoiding him. Which seemed to be popular these days. Destiny was avoiding him, too.

This was not how he’d planned to spend the first couple of weeks of his marriage. Those nights had been so promising, he thought grimly, as he walked toward Destiny’s house. They’d been all over each other. But more exciting than the physical chemistry had been how much they’d enjoyed each other’s company. Or at least he’d enjoyed hers. By the way she was avoiding him, Destiny hadn’t felt the same connection.

What he didn’t get was how it had all gone to hell so quickly. One minute they were promising until death they did part, and the next he couldn’t get her on the phone.

He knew the exact moment everything had changed with Destiny. It had happened after the incident with Starr and Carter. But the real trouble with everything else had begun long before that. That much he knew. But the exact when of it was more confusing.

He walked through the center of town. The Fourth of July festival was in full swing with booths and crafts and live music in the park. There was going to be a parade later, and fireworks. Normally, he found that kind of thing a lot of fun. But not today. Today he needed to see Destiny, and he had to figure out why he was so unsettled.

The Man Cave was part of the problem. If he couldn’t fix things with Jo and his partners, then the bar wouldn’t survive. Nick had shown him the books. Kipling had seen right away that while the bar could limp along for a few months, the end was inevitable. Without local support, they were doomed.

It wasn’t the failure of the business that got to him, he thought. It was what that failure meant. Because The Man Cave had been his way of fitting in. Of giving back. And he’d screwed it up royally.

He paused by Brew-haha and looked toward the park. Even though it was still morning, there were crowds everywhere. The sun was warm, the sky blue.

Little more than a year ago he’d been skiing down a mountain in New Zealand, preparing to start serious training. He’d been fresh off his Olympic win and totally unstoppable. Or so he’d thought.

After the crash, he’d been more worried about whether he would walk again than thinking about the end of his career. Then Mayor Marsha had shown up, out of nowhere. She’d offered him a job and had promised to take care of Shelby.

He still remembered how he hadn’t believed her. How he’d promised to follow her to hell if she would protect his sister. He still remembered exactly what she’d said.

“You don’t have to be alone in this, Kipling. Nor do you have to go all the way to hell. Just come to Fool’s Gold when you’re able. We’ll be waiting for you.”

She had kept her word. He knew now that Ford Hendrix and Angel Whittaker had flown to Colorado that very day. When Shelby’s mother had died, they’d brought Shelby to Fool’s Gold. Kipling had followed when he was able. In January, he’d accepted the job as the head of HERO.

When he’d realized there wasn’t a place for guys to hang out, he’d thought of The Man Cave. He’d gotten several business partners together, and they’d hired Nick.

He’d been so sure it was the right thing to do. It fixed a problem. He wanted to say it was the same with Destiny, only it wasn’t. Because she was more important than all the rest of them put together.

He turned away from the park and walked the last couple of blocks to her house. When her door opened and he saw her, his whole body relaxed. Being with her was right.

“Hey,” he said with a smile. “I wanted to see how you’re doing.”

“I’m glad you came by.”

She had on cut-off jeans and a T-shirt. Her hair was back in a ponytail, and she was barefoot. Not overtly sexy, but she sure got to him.

He wanted to pull her close and kiss her. He wanted to do other things, too, but mostly he wanted to hold her. They sat on the sofa, facing each other. She looked good, he thought. Maybe a little tired, but all her.

His gaze dropped to the ring on her finger. The simple gold band looked lonely. He wanted to add a nice engagement ring. A sparkly diamond. Sure it was traditional, but he was mostly a traditional kind of guy.

“I’ve missed you,” he told her. “Is everything okay with Starr?”

She nodded. “We’re getting along well. We’re sorting through songs I’ve written. My mom’s manager is going to fly in next week to talk about the music.”

“Good for you. You’re too talented to ignore your abilities. How are you feeling?”

“Fine. I have a gynecologist appointment next week.”

“With Dr. Galloway?” he asked, hoping the answer was no.

“How did you know?”

He shrugged. “I’ve met her.” There was no need to go into the “flowering” conversation with Destiny. “Can I come with you?”

She nodded. “I want you to be as much a part of me being pregnant as you’d like.”

It struck him that everything about this was wrong. They were married. They should be holding each other and heading to the bedroom to make love. Their conversation should be easy and natural—not stilted and informational. This was Destiny—they knew each other. Only right now it felt as if they were strangers.

“What’s going on?” he asked. “You wanted time, so I gave it to you. Should I have pushed harder to talk to you?”

“No. You did the right thing. I’ve been thinking a lot about everything.” She looked at him. “Kipling, I love you.”

His first reaction was to jump up and yell the happy news as loud as he could. Destiny loved him. Destiny, who was kind and funny and sexy and determined. His second thought was that if she loved him, she would need so much more than he had to offer. He’d been unable to protect his own sister from his father’s fists. How could he protect anyone else? Especially Destiny?

“I didn’t expect it, either,” she said wryly. “I had no idea. I’ve tried to be rational and calm in every situation. But that’s not who I am. I don’t have an answer to the nurture-nature question, but what I do know is that I can’t pretend anymore. I can get a little crazy. Maybe I don’t throw plates, but I’m not as rational as you think. I feel things. Deeply. And I’m not going to deny that anymore.”

“I like that you feel things.”

She smiled. “Good. Because we’re having a baby together. We have a lot to work out.”

He reached for her hands. “I want that. I want us to be a family, Destiny. I meant my vows. I’m in this for the long haul.”

Her smile faded. “I believe you because me being pregnant is yet another problem for you to handle.”

The unfair statement had him hanging on tighter. “It’s more than that.”

“I don’t think it is. You don’t love me back. It’s okay. You don’t have to. You like me, and we’re friends, and I’ve seen how you take care of your sister. You’ll be a good dad. Like I said before, I want you to be as much a part of my pregnancy as you want. I won’t shut you out, but I won’t be married to you. Not like this. I don’t need fixing. I need to be loved, and you can’t or won’t.” She squeezed his fingers before releasing them.

“Kipling, I want a divorce.”

CHAPTER NINETEEN

“Y
OU
OKAY
?”
C
ASSIDY
ASKED
.

No. I’m pregnant, getting a divorce, responsible for my teenage sister and I’m quitting my job in two weeks.
Destiny told herself to breathe then smile. The phrase
fake it until you make it
had never sounded so right.

“I’m fine. Ready to get hiking.”

She and Cassidy were heading out to map the last few areas on the grid. They’d already divided up the map. She figured each of the sections could be completed in less than a day. If everything went well, they would be done by the end of the week.

It was the Saturday of the July Fourth weekend, but neither she nor Cassidy had any reason not to work. Starr was with friends, and Destiny had no desire to sit home alone. Cassidy’s husband was half a world away. Mapping the grid was a perfect solution.

“Radio in every couple of hours,” Cassidy said as she collected her backpack. “I’ll do the same.” She grinned. “It would be humiliating for one of us to get lost.”

“Tell me about it.” Destiny picked up her own gear, and they headed for the door.

The timing of the work was perfect, she thought as she drove out of town. With everything going on, a few hours in nature were just what she needed to clear her head. She could enter data into the program and have a good cry at the same time. Because the tears were inevitable.

She could accept loving Kipling. She could accept that he didn’t love her back. She was totally rational about the whole thing. The problem was, the news devastated her.

Until she’d told him she wanted a divorce, she hadn’t realized how much she was hoping he was secretly in love with her, too. That he would turn to her, confess his feelings, and they would live happily ever after. But that hadn’t happened. She’d said she wanted a divorce; Kipling had nodded once, said he would get his lawyer on that, and he’d left. There’d been no conversation, no whisper of emotion. Nothing. A big, fat nothing.

While she knew that staying married was a mistake, she couldn’t help wishing that things had ended differently. After all those years of avoiding strong feelings, she’d finally gone and fallen in love, only to end up in an emotional face-plant. So much for acting rationally.

She pulled off the highway and into a rest area then consulted her map. When she’d confirmed she was where she was supposed to be, she got out and shrugged into her backpack then turned on the GPS tracker, along with her other equipment, and headed for the forest.

Time would heal, she reminded herself. She had a wonderful family and a baby on the way. Later, she would call her mother and tell Lacey that her wish for a grandbaby had been granted. This weekend she and Starr would continue to sort through Destiny’s songs and pick the best twenty or so to play for her mom’s manager. She would buy a house and get on with her life.

She had people who cared about her. She had good friends and lots of support. What she didn’t have was the love of the man who had claimed her heart. That hurt, but she would survive.

For years Grandma Nell had been the benchmark by which she measured her actions. Would Grandma Nell do that? Would Grandma Nell be proud? While Destiny loved her grandmother, she knew she had to shift her thinking. Making Grandma Nell proud wasn’t the point anymore. Now she had to learn to be proud of herself.

* * *

S
KIING
SEVENTY
MILES
an hour into a tree broke more bones than Destiny walking out on him, but being without her hurt a whole lot more. Kipling still couldn’t figure out what to do with the information she’d clobbered him with before she’d left.

She loved him, and she was gone. Just like that.
I love you. I want a divorce.
It was the end of a bad movie. It was so extreme as to be ridiculous. But he wasn’t laughing. Or sleeping or eating. In fact, it was all he could do to keep breathing.

It hurt. More than anything ever had. He who had always believed that the words didn’t matter—that only actions matter—had been ripped open by what he’d been told. Words killed, he thought grimly.

Just as bad, she was gone. Oh, sure, he would see her. They were having a kid together, and he knew that whatever happened between the two of them, she would never try to cut him out of his child’s life. But he didn’t want to be a part-time dad. He wanted to be a family. With her.

He started out of his rental to tell her just that, only to stop by the front door and turn around. What was he to say to convince her not to divorce him? He wanted them to stay married. He wanted to live with her and have his child with her. He thought he’d shown her how much he cared by his actions. He’d been there for her, had taken care of her.

He knew there was a solution to the problem. There had to be. But whatever it was, it eluded him. He ran different scenarios in his mind. He wrote letters. He’d considered renting a billboard, but had no idea what it would say.

Don’t leave me
was a start.
Marry me
was out of the question. They were already married.
Let’s not get a divorce
was too twisted.

What he didn’t understand was what had changed. If she loved him now, she’d probably loved him for a while. So wasn’t their being married a good thing?

Someone knocked on his door. He pulled it open, eager to see Destiny. But instead his sister stood on the porch.

She put her hands on her hips. “Seriously, you could at least try not to be so disappointed it’s me.”

“Sorry.”

“Hoping it was your new bride?”

He nodded and stepped back to let his sister in. She walked past him then turned to face him when he shut the front door.

“What’s up?”

He asked the question in his best casual, “I’m fine. Ignore the signs of strain and tension” voice. Apparently, it worked because Shelby didn’t ask any questions. Instead she said, “I’ve been thinking.”

“About?”

“What you said before. About the business and me and us.” She sighed. “You’re a good big brother, and I love you.”

It was obvious she had more to say, so he waited.

“And I’m sorry.”

Not what he expected. “About?”

“I’ve sent you mixed messages. I ask your advice then get mad when you give it. I want you to rescue me but only sometimes. It’s not clear to me, so it sure can’t be clear to you, either.”

He relaxed a little. “Okay. So where does that leave us?”

She smiled. “I would like to borrow the money from you, but only as a loan. I’ll pay you back, with interest.”

“What if I don’t want to give you the money anymore?”

She laughed then hugged him. “You’re a funny guy.”

“Not everyone thinks so.”

“Then they don’t know you well enough.”

He didn’t think that was Destiny’s problem.

Shelby studied him. “Want to talk about it?”

“There’s nothing. I’m fine.”

“Then why are you still living here instead of with Destiny?”

She had him on that one. “It’s complicated. She’s...” Not mad, he thought. Disappointed? Hurt? “Upset.”

“Did you try to fix things too much? You do that, Kipling. You mean well, but sometimes people want to be more than a project.”

“I don’t see people as projects.”

She raised her eyebrows as her hands returned to her hips.

He sighed. “Sometimes I do,” he admitted.

“Enough that it’s hard for the rest of us to be sure where we stand and if we matter. You’re my brother, and I don’t always know if you’re excited about helping me or taking care of the problem.”

Was that what had gone wrong with Destiny? He hadn’t made it clear he cared about her and the baby?

“Doesn’t what I do matter more than what I say?”

“Not always.” Shelby hugged him. “You’re a really good guy. If Destiny isn’t seeing that right now, then give her a little time. You’re not wrong to care.”

“Thanks.” Although he knew he had to be wrong about something because Destiny didn’t want to stay married to him. “You doing okay?”

“I am. I had a brief but horrible relationship with Miles, and I’m now officially over him.”

“What? Miles the pilot? He’s a player.” And soon to be dead, Kipling thought grimly.

“Yes, I see that now.” Shelby shook her head. “Don’t go there. Don’t take on my problem. I bought into his charm, and I learned a good lesson. I’ll recover.”

“You’re my sister.”

“Thanks for the clarification.” She wrinkled her nose. “I mean it, Kipling. I have to figure this out on my own. Don’t mess in my personal life, okay?”

He nodded slowly. “Sure. Come to me for money but not advice.”

She flashed him a smile. “Exactly.”

* * *

N
OT
SURE
WHAT
TO
DO
with himself, Kipling walked through town. Just his luck, no one was getting lost on a very busy holiday weekend.

Tourists mingled with locals. The smell of barbecue mingled with the scent of lemons and fresh churros. He nodded at people he knew, stepped out of the way of unsteady toddlers and rescued a balloon that nearly got away.

All of which should have made him feel better. Connected, maybe. But it didn’t, and he wasn’t.

He missed Destiny. Without her, he couldn’t seem to think straight. Or sleep. Or know what was going on. He could have gone to see her. He knew that she and Cassidy were out mapping the last parts of the mountain. He could have joined them. But then what?

He crossed the street and headed for the park. Live music played. Music that made him think of Destiny performing at The Man Cave and how she’d lost herself in song.

She was amazing, he thought. Powerful and talented. Beautiful. She’d claimed to love him and then told him she wanted a divorce. What was he supposed to do with that?

The truth was, he wanted her back. He missed her and—

He turned at the sound of teenage boys laughing and saw Carter standing with his friends. The second Kipling spotted him, he knew what he had to do.

He walked toward the teen. Carter saw him approaching and straightened. While the festival spun on around them, Kipling felt the afternoon grow quiet—at least in his head.

“Hey,” he said, when he was in front of Carter. “I wanted to tell you I’m sorry. I don’t approve of you kissing Starr, but I get why it happened. Mills women are tough to resist.” He raised one shoulder. “Yelling at you wasn’t my finest hour.”

Carter grinned. “It’s okay. Felicia explained about the protective instincts of the alpha male in the clan.” The teen chuckled. “Which might not make sense to you, but it’s kind of how she talks. She’s supersmart. Anyway, she’s right. Starr’s almost like your daughter. You have to be protective. I’m glad she has someone looking out for her, you know. Because it wasn’t always like that.”

Kipling stared at the kid. “You’re not a jerk.”

“Thanks, man. Neither are you.”

Kipling shook his head. “No. I mean you’re a good kid.”

“Always have been. Does this mean I can—”

“No,” Kipling told him firmly. “My protective instincts remain intact. But I now have more respect for Starr’s selection process.”

“I think that’s a compliment, so thanks.”

“You’re welcome.”

Carter turned back to his friends. Kipling looked around and tried to figure out what he should do next. Suddenly, a tall, brown-haired woman stepped in front of him.

“I hear you’ve been looking for me.”

She was close to forty, fit, with just enough attitude to make a guy think she knew how to take care of herself.

Kipling had no idea who she was.

“Ma’am?”

The woman raised her eyebrows. “Not a very good way to start, Kipling. I’ve heard you’re charming. Don’t disappoint me.”

Was it him, or had it gotten a little hot in here?

“I’m Jo Trellis,” the woman said. “Of Jo’s Bar.”

“You,” he said loudly. “Finally. I’ve been trying to talk to you for days. You won’t take my calls or return them. You’re never around when I stop by.”

She looked more amused than chagrined. “What can I say? I’m elusive.”

“You’re putting me out of business.”

“Back at you.”

They stared at each other.

Kipling figured it had been her town first. “I’m sure we can find a solution to this problem.”

“I’ve heard you like fixing things. So sure. Fix this one. We all take care of each other. If you wanted to open a bar that competed directly with me, you should have talked to me first. Or someone. But you didn’t. You stomped in and did your thing without considering anyone else.”

“Hey, wait. It wasn’t like that. The guys around here don’t have anywhere to go. Your place caters to women.”