HOLD (14 page)

CREED

I had heard her the first time she said it but I still needed to hear it again.  Somehow I’d been expecting this news before I walked through the door this afternoon, knew what was going to happen as I sat across the table from my brother at a greasy diner and told him about the events of the last few days.  If Truly had known it all along too she couldn’t bring herself to say so out loud but now there was no hiding from it. 

“Tell me again,” I said gently, taking my wife’s trembling hand. 

“She’s gone,” Truly repeated in a dull voice, tears still flowing freely.  One stalled on her left cheek and I tenderly wiped it away.  Baby Jacob slept peacefully in her arms, spared the knowledge that his mother had abandoned him.  Someday he would know.  Someday it would hurt. 

Truly had calmed down by the time she started to tell the story a second time.  About an hour after I’d left to go meet Cord for lunch Mia had returned.  She picked up the baby, kissed him gently, then returned him to Truly. 

“Mia asked me if I loved her.  I said of course I did.  She asked if I loved Jacob.  I told her that was a foolish question and that I adored Jacob.  She smiled and said ‘I love you too, Tallulah Lee.  When we were kids you were more of a mother to me that our mother ever was.  I was lucky to have you.  And now Jacob is lucky to have you. I think I knew the day he was born that I would be giving him to you.’ At that point she was starting to scare the living daylights out of me because I didn’t know what she was meaning to do.  She’d asked me for some money the other day, five hundred dollars, and I gave it to her.  I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about that, Creed.” 

“Shush, it’s all right,” I said, frowning.  Really, what the hell difference did money make right now? 

“Well she apparently took that money and went to go see a lawyer.  She had him draw up papers terminating her parental rights and giving us full custody of Jacob.” 

Truly handed me a fat envelope.  It was full of papers that had lots of small, typed paragraphs.  At the end were signatures and a notary stamp.

“What’s this?” I asked, holding a plain white envelope that had fallen out of the larger one.  It was sealed and labeled, simply, ‘Jacob’. 

“A letter.  Mia addressed it to Jacob.  She said I was free to read it if I wanted but I haven’t.”

Carefully I replaced all the contents of the envelope.  I folded the flap forward and tossed the whole thing on the coffee table.  When things calmed down I would have to find a lawyer to tell me if all this was completely legal.  But for now, Meridian Lee had signed over her child, quietly packed her belongings, and left, ignoring the tearful pleas of her sister. 

“Creedence?” Truly whispered.  I stared into the anguish in her eyes.  She already knew what I was going to say but it was still important that I say it. 

I slid my arm around my wife’s shoulders and cupped my other hand around Jacob’s small head.  He stirred and smiled in his sleep. 

“We’ll raise him,” I said with certainty.  “We will love him and treasure him as we would love any son of ours.”  I felt the light touch of his hair on my palm.  “Because as of right now he is our little boy.” 

Truly closed her eyes for a moment.  Several more tears squeezed out.  There were still things that needed to be settled.  But it was pretty obvious that Mia wasn’t coming back.  It was obvious this had been her plan all along.  I couldn’t despise her for it.  At least she recognized that she was unable to care for the kid and so brought him to people who would.  That was a hell of a lot more than my own mother ever did for me. 

Truly opened her eyes again.  “Creedence Gentry, for all your periodically sullen moods you are the most loving man.  The best one I’ve ever known.” 

Jacob pushed his fist in the air, opened his mouth in a wide yawn and then was awake all at once.  Truly set him against her shoulder.  His dark curls branched out riotously from his head and his face was still flushed with sleep.  He blinked at Truly and then at me before breaking into a toothless grin. 

“Hey, sweetheart,” Truly said softly and kissed his chubby little cheek.  “How’s our boy?” 

Our boy. 

Yes, he was.  And suddenly all the doubts I’d ever harbored about whether I would be a worthy father just evaporated.  I looked at that sweet baby in my wife’s arms and my usually stubborn heart thawed out and threatened to start beating on the outside of my chest.  I might have shed a few tears of my own if I’d been the tear-shedding type of guy. 

I held out my arms and Jacob lurched in my direction.  Truly allowed me to take him.  I held him in my lap, supporting his body since he was still too wobbly to sit on his own.  My hand covered his small back and a string of drool escaped from his lips as he stared at me expectantly.  I’d never understood what it meant to feel vulnerable in the company of someone so helpless until I held my nieces for the first time.  Now I was feeling it all over again as I held my son. 

“Jacob Gentry,” I said out loud.  It didn’t matter that there was still paperwork and lawyer bullshit to hammer out before it would be his legal name.  As of right now that’s who he was. 

Jacob kicked his legs and let out a full belly laugh.   

Truly rested her head on my shoulder and touched his face.  “Jacob Gentry,” she said. 

The baby laughed again and we laughed with him.  Even though someone who knew more about babies that I did would probably insist he had no idea what the words meant and couldn’t understand the significance of the moment, when I looked into his thrilled face I knew that was bullshit.  He understood that he was happy and surrounded by people who loved him.  That was everything. 

“Jacob Gentry,” we said together and he threw back his head and shrieked with joy. 

“Listen up, little guy,” I said.  “I will do my damn best every single day to be the kind of dad you need.  You can count on it.” 

Jacob seemed to be paying close attention.  He had a look on his face that was remarkably serious for a four-month-old. 

Carefully I cradled him close to my chest, beside my heart.  “As soon as you’re old enough,” I promised him, “I’m going to teach you how to play a guitar.” 

The three of us sat there on the couch for a long time, just enjoying the new feeling of being together.  Then Truly announced that she was going to whip up something special for dinner and started bustling around the kitchen.  I switched on the television, flipped around until I found a baseball game, and then moved Jacob to the crook of my arm so he could face toward the television, not that he seemed especially interested.  He plucked at the hair on my arms and idly tried to chew on my shirt. 

At one point a glint of fabric caught my eye and I looked up to see Truly peeking from around the wall that separated the living room from the kitchen.  She had her hand to her lips. 

“What’s wrong?” I asked. 

She shook her head. 

“Truly.”  I held my hand out to her and she walked to me slowly.  She took my hand and kissed the palm. 

“We’re a family,” she choked out. 

I pulled her back down to the couch, beside me and Jacob.  Gently I pushed a lock of thick black hair out of her face. 

“We were always a family,” I told her.  “You and me, from the beginning.”  I shifted Jacob’s position so that he was on my knee.  “It’s just that we gained an important member today.” 

“She’ll never come back,” Truly whispered.  “I know she won’t.”  She lowered her head and I kissed her softly because it was all I could do. 

I understood that mixed in with Truly’s joy was a deep and impenetrable pain. She and her sisters had been incredibly close throughout their childhood, although due to terrible and tumultuous circumstances they had drifted apart long ago.  These days she frequently talked to Augusta and Carolina but they no longer had the special bonds of youth and shared hardships. Despite the fact that she’d barely heard from Meridian these past few years, her permanent defection had now left a gaping hole.  The Lee sisters were officially disbanded. I never worried that would happen to me and my brothers.   We wouldn’t let it.  We were stuck with each other forever. 

It occurred to me that I should pick up the phone and enlighten the boys that through a twist of fate they now had a nephew.  But that could wait until tomorrow.  This day was all about the three of us. 

When Truly served her legendary gumbo for dinner she placed Jacob in a bouncer atop the table so he could be there with us.  He eagerly sucked on a bottle and kicked his bare feet around with a giggle when I tickled them. 

“Can I give him some?” I asked, scooping a small bite onto a spoon. 

“Creedence!” Truly hissed.  “Absolutely not.  You cannot give such a young baby solid food and you certainly cannot give him gumbo.  Jakie is happy just with his bottle, aren’t you, little darling’?”

“Jakie,” I muttered, making a face.  “Don’t do that to the poor kid.  He’s got a good, strong name.” 

“He’s a baby.  I think Jakie sounds cute.” 

“I guess, if he was an animated cat or something.” 

“Stop,” Truly laughed. 

I winked at Jacob and returned to my meal.  Afterwards I cleaned up all the dishes while Truly cleaned up the baby.  I could hear her in the bathroom, cooing sweetly as she bathed him in a portable little tub thing she’d picked up the other day.  I smiled as I scrubbed the bowls clean and listened to the two of them.  Most men had at least a few months to get used to the idea of looming fatherhood.  But Jacob was here and I was ready to be whatever he needed. 

As I wiped down the dining table, Truly returned, carrying a newly scrubbed Jacob.  He hiccupped in his clean blue onesie and Truly nuzzled his cheek.  I followed them to the living room where we spread out a soft cotton blanket and laid Jacob down on his belly.  Watching a baby at play was a hell of a trip.  He was fascinated by everything from his own fingers to a stuffed dog that had a plastic mirror on its back. I’d heard about a study once where some scientist tried to imitate an infant’s every move.  He passed out or something after about twenty minutes. 

By the time Jacob started looking somewhat sleepy the sky had darkened.  I picked up his warm little body and let Truly lead the way to the bedroom he’d been sharing with his mother.

Already there was no trace of Mia around.  She must have taken everything with her.  Jacob was the only evidence that she’d ever been here at all.  

I caught Truly casting a sad glance at the neatly made bed where her sister had slept.  Briefly she ran her hand over the dark pink coverlet like it was a final farewell. 

We settled Jacob into the crib together and Truly turned on a little box that played soft lullabies.  The baby breathed deep and even, the gentle sleep of the innocent. 

“Tomorrow we’ll get him a better crib,” I promised her as we left the room.  The crib he’d been sleeping in was small and portable.  It wasn’t meant to be permanent.  Jacob deserved something that was permanent. 

Truly slipped her arms around my waist and laid her cheek on my chest. 

“What a day,” she sighed. 

“One for the books,” I agreed, stroking her hair and becoming acutely aware of the fact that her body was pressed up against mine. 

She felt it.  She cupped a hand down low.  “I did promise you a parole hearing, didn’t I?”

That was it. She was getting fucked.  Sweet and tender time was done.  I dropped my pants. 

“Hearing is over.” 

We used each other backwards, forwards and sideways, with Truly warning me several times to keep the noise factor down.  When we’d both been satisfied I shut off the lights and gathered her into my arms where she fell asleep in minutes.  Happily exhausted, I was glad to close my eyes and let the bliss of sleep claim me too. 

The next thing I knew a confusing noise had jarred me awake. 

“What’s that?  The baby crying?”

Truly groaned and rolled over.  “Creed, the baby doesn’t ring when he cries.  It’s your phone.”

I fumbled around on the nightstand until I found the stupid thing.  If it was some dickhead telemarketer trying to sell me a cruise to the Bahamas I was going to rip him a new asshole.  But one glance at the caller’s identity chilled me.  It was far too late into the night to be calling for anything pleasant.  By the time I got it up to my ear I was wide awake. 

“Cord.  What’s wrong?”

As I listened to my brother’s voice I was aware that other things were happening.  The baby really did begin crying in the next room.  Truly rose from bed, pulling on a robe as she went to him.  The wall clock above the closet, which I’d barely noticed before, starting ticking so crazy loud it sounded like a bomb.  

The news that Cordero delivered had been expected for a long time.  It shouldn’t have made me feel like I was sinking right into the mattress.  But it did. 

CHASE

It took some doing but I had the apartment gleaming by the time the afternoon was over.  Steph tended to be even more messy than I was so things often got a little out of hand by the time one or the other of us threw up our hands and went into a scrubbing, vacuuming, tidying frenzy. 

In fact I wasn’t really expecting her home yet.  I was industriously vacuuming the dust out of every living room crevice I could find.  The hand that touched my arm made me shriek like a banshee and jump about eight feet in the air. 

“Sorry,” Stephanie smirked, obviously amused.  “You should see your face.” 

I switched the vacuum cleaner off.  “You’re early.  I had plans to have a king sized carton of pepper steak waiting for you.” 

“Thanks anyway,” she said, dropping her purse and then plopping down on the couch. “I’m not too hungry.” 

“Morning sickness?” 

She grimaced and folded her arms over her belly, leaning forward.  “I don’t know why they call it that.  Definitely not exclusive to the morning.” 

I folded up the vacuum cord and pushed it into a corner before joining her on the couch.   “Baby, what can I do?”

Stephanie raised her head.  Her riotous hair hid her face and slowly she moved it out of the way so she could see me clearly.  “It’s okay, Chase.  I’m just not hungry.” 

“I’m not talking about food.” 

She looked confused for a second and then it seemed to dawn on her that I was diving into more serious waters.  She sighed and leaned back on the couch.  I leaned with her.  We stared at the ceiling together and listened to the yipping of our neighbor’s dog.   Finally, almost tentatively, she reached for my hand.  Hers was so small, strangely cold.  I held it in my palm and brought it to my lips. 

“I’m sorry,” she said.  “I’ve been an asshole lately.” 

“Maybe we’ve both been assholes.”

She laced her fingers through mine and smiled vaguely.  “You’re trying to make me feel better.” 

“I’m trying to make you feel
something
.” 

She stopped smiling.  She opened her mouth as if she was going to speak but then she quickly closed it and looked away. 

“Stephanie.  Look at me dammit.” 

She looked.  Stephanie was never one to skip around, broadcasting her emotions with a megaphone, but I could read this girl pretty well after nearly four years.  There was something timid, almost fearful, about the look she was giving me. 

Of course the million dollar question was
what
the hell was she afraid of?  

Was she afraid of what I was going to say? 

Or was she afraid of what she needed to say to me? 

Fuck it.  I’d been cutting a wide circle around her for long enough.  Everything was fine and dandy until the night she told me she was pregnant. Or at least I’d thought so. It was time to get it all out there, for better or for worse. 

“Stephanie, we’ve been together a long time.  You’re sexy and infuriating and sensitive and complex. You’re not flawless and neither am I.  God knows every day isn’t perfect but somehow we’re right together, you and me. And I couldn’t love another woman the way I love you.”  I took a deep breath and gently reached over to tip her chin so she would have no choice but to look me in the eye.  However she really felt, she wouldn’t be able to hide it now.  “Do you want a life with me, Stephanie?  Do you want this baby?”

“Chase,” she whispered and swallowed painfully.  Her eyes swam with tears.  “You’re my whole world.  I love you more than anything.  I love you so much it scares me at times.”  She closed her eyes and inhaled deeply, exhaling with a ragged shudder. “Of course I want a life with you.  Of course I want to have your baby.  God, Chase, I want to have a whole houseful of your babies and-“

I kissed her.  I held her face in my hands and kissed her with passion and intensity.  She clutched me closer and returned every bit of that intensity until my heart was pounding and my dick was hard and what I wanted to do the most was seal the occasion by getting inside of her. 

Instead I broke the kiss. I pulled back and stared her straight in the eye. “What are you afraid of then?”

A tear rolled down her cheek.  She sniffed and looked away.  “Can you even picture me as someone’s mother?  I mean, I’ve never taken care of anything, not even a hamster.”

“Steph.” I kissed her forehead.  “You’ll be a wonderful mother.   You’re loving and strong and every time I look at you I’m in awe, sweetheart.  Absolute unfiltered awe.  I won’t lie and say this won’t change anything because of course things will change.  But nothing will ever alter the fact that I am utterly devoted to you. If you want law school, we’ll figure out how to get you there. Just don’t doubt us.  There’s nothing we can’t do together.  I really believe that.”

“Oh, Chase.”  She was crying freely now.  “It’s not that I doubt you.  And it’s not that I doubt us.  If I ever made you believe that was the case I’m so sorry.” 

I didn’t say anything.  I just held her and waited for her to calm down enough to continue.   

“I’ve been thinking about my mother,” she whispered.  “I really wish she was here.  I wish there was someone to tell me how to do this.” She swiped at her eyes. “I wish she’d had the privilege of living long enough to meet her grandchild.  It hurts so bad when I think about how much she would have loved this baby.”

So that was it.  I should have guessed.  Stephanie had adored her mother.  She had died of cancer when Steph was a teenager.  It was the most painful event of Stephanie’s life and she rarely spoke of it.

She stayed in my arms while I stroked her hair and let her cry.  She needed that, a good cry.  When her tears finally began to let up and her breathing returned to normal, I tipped her chin up again. 

“She’d be so proud of you,” I said.  I didn’t have to know Stephanie’s mother to know that it was true.  “So incredibly proud.”

That made her smile a little.  “I really wish she could have met you.  She would have loved you too.” 

I permanently abandoned the idea of grand gestures.  I knelt at Stephanie’s feet and took her hand once more.  

“I could have planned better for this,” I told her as she stared down at me, looking like a flushed angel.  I kissed her hand and continued.  “But someone wise told me the best moments in life are the unscripted ones.  So I’m just going to say the words that are in my heart and wait for your answer.  Stephanie Bransky, I love you more than I would have ever believed it was possible to love anyone.  Will you marry me?”

She leaned her forehead into mine.  “You know I will, Chasyn Gentry.”

I grinned and pushed her long hair aside.  “I wouldn’t mind hearing it one more time.” 

Stephanie slipped off the couch and into my lap.  “Yes,” she whispered. “I will absolutely marry you.” 

“Anytime?”

“Anywhere.”

“Tomorrow?”

She laughed.  “If you’d like.  But I think Saylor and Truly will have a fit if we don’t plan some kind of an event.  They’ve been waiting for this you know.”

“Have you?” I asked her. 

“Have I what?” 

“Been waiting.” 

She raised an eyebrow.  “I never doubted that it would happen.” 

I ran my hands over her hips and pushed her skirt up, repositioning her so she was straddling me.  Lifting her shirt slightly, I gently touched her stomach.  The protective sense that surged within me was ferocious.  I could have moved mountains with it. 

“You think it’s a boy or a girl?”

She pressed her hand over mine.  “I just hope it’s not triplets.” 

I flexed.  “It might be.  I’m betting my juice is very prolific.”

Steph rolled her eyes but she was still smiling.  “Whatever.” 

I kissed her again.  “I can’t wait to marry you.”

Stephanie’s nausea had subsided for the time being so I whipped up some scrambled eggs with a side of cereal. 

She dug in happily.  “Somehow, this looks like the best dinner in the world.” 

I swallowed a forkful of eggs.  “Pregnancy cravings?”

She gathered both eggs and cereal together on the same spoon.  “Maybe that can explain it.  Oh my god, that’s good.” 

“You gonna be in the mood to say that again later?  Maybe with even more gusto and some heavy breathing?”

She gave me a naughty look.  “Absolutely.  Must be a case of raging, primitive hormones because I swear I almost jumped you when I walked through the door and saw you hunched over the vacuum cleaner.” 

“Next time don’t hesitate.” 

Stephanie put her spoon down.  “Chase?”

“Yeah, baby?”

“I really do adore you.  I always have.”

I took her hand.  “A whole houseful of babies, huh?”

She gazed soulfully into my eyes. “Each one with your smile.” 

We just dumped all the dishes unceremoniously in the sink.  So much for a spotless apartment.  I’d get to it tomorrow or something.  Who wants to stop and take care of dishes when romance is so thick in the air? 

Stephanie had already kicked off her heels as I followed her to the bedroom. 

“Wait,” I demanded as she started to unbutton her shirt. 

She stopped.  “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”  I moved her hands to her sides.   “Keep them there.  I want to do this my way.”  I started to unbutton her blouse while she kept still.  I slid the fabric from her shoulders and admired the view.  “You’re so beautiful,” I said, hearing the lust in my voice and wondering how long it would agree to stand down.  I unhooked her bra, letting it fall, and cupped her sweet breasts in my hands.  They felt more delicate, hotter to the touch, than usual. 

“Careful,” she moaned.  “They’re kind of sore these days.  Pregnancy thing.” 

For some reason the warning made me even more insanely hard.  I laid her down gently on the bed, sliding her skirt down, followed by her panties.  Now I could detect the slight changes in her body.  She was still slender but when I ran my hand over her lower belly there was a firm, swollen feeling to the skin that hadn’t been there before.  I would know. I knew every inch of her by now. 

“That’s you in there,” she whispered as my hand lingered. 

“It’s us,” I corrected, scooting back enough so that I was able to easily remove my shirt and pants.  I was dying to get skin on skin but I wanted to enjoy her for a little while longer first.  Lightly, carefully, I massaged her tender breasts. 

“Too hard?” I asked when she started to squirm. 

“No,” she breathed, biting her lip.  “Just right.” 

“So, what are the rules?  What can we do?”

She gave me a wicked smile from down there on the pillows.  “This early we can do everything.  Technically, anyway.  It’s just that the lady parts can sometimes feel a bit raw.” 

I lightened my touch.  “I don’t want to hurt you.  Tell me if it’s too much.”

“You couldn’t hurt me.”   

I massaged lower, over her chest, past her belly.  I smoothly opened her legs and stroked her thighs, my thumbs circling higher and higher.  Stephanie bit her lip and threw her head back while her inner thigh muscles began flexing instinctively. 

I rolled my thumbs higher, teasing.  “Is that good, honey?”

She let out a squeak and grabbed the pillow behind her head.  “Yes,” she gasped. 

I slipped both thumbs inside her with ease.  Damn, I’d heard about these pregnancy hormones but she was ready to come already.  I smiled and withdrew, grazing her entrance with just the tips of my thumbs. 

That drove her wild.  She bucked her hips and screwed her eyes up tight as she arched her body toward me desperately. 

“Just fuck me,” she begged. 

“Damn, what a filthy mouth on my sweet bride.” 

She glared.  “I’ll give you a fucking filthy mouth.”

This was fun.  “I don’t know Steph, maybe we should save it for the wedding night.”

She sat up on her elbows, sputtering. “What are you talking about?  We’ve already fucked like a thousand times.” 

“I just don’t want to deplete the mystery.” 

Stephanie threw a pillow at my head. 

I answered by grabbing her hips and slipping inside. 

“Mmm,” she moaned, falling back onto the mattress, ecstasy on her face, hair splayed out in all directions. 

Even though she’d said we were completely green lighted for sex I couldn’t help being more gentle than usual.   I got her to the climax slowly, reveling in the look on her face as she came, sending out a million silent thank yous to the universe that she was mine forever.  We fell asleep tangled up in one another, her cheek against my chest, my hand on her stomach. 

When the phone rang I was dreaming and in my dream I was in a dark cave. 

Fear was everywhere and my hands clutched something I’d thought was a weapon.  Until I looked down and realized it was nothing but a frayed piece of rope.  I threw it down in disgust and stared ahead, squinting, trying desperately to see, but there was very little light.