His Holiday Heart (8 page)

Uh-oh. Panic bit him. He sat up straighter in his chair, fearing the worst. Maybe he had better pray that he could piece it together from whatever Pastor Mark said next.

“Lucky dog,” Jason Huntley leaned close to whisper. “I thought you were just going to supervise like last year. I would roll up my sleeves if it meant spending time with Lucy.”

Spending time with Lucy? His panic ramped up a notch. Yes, that was exactly what scared him. He followed the direction of Jason’s nod—to Lucy, of course. A terrible sense of foreboding settled like a fist in his stomach. Whatever rolling up his sleeves meant, he wasn’t going to like it.

He watched as Lucy lowered her hands from her face, and her green gaze fixed on his. She gave a little helpless shrug, and his heart turned over. Just like that.

He ripped his gaze away from hers, fighting panic, and fighting the words he would not let himself acknowledge. The unspoken truth remained lodged in his chest waiting, just waiting to be brought out into the open.

You do not like her, he told himself stubbornly although it was too late.

The rest of the meeting was a blur. He kept dreading the moment when he would have to walk through the conference room, down the hall and out to his truck, trying to avoid Lucy all that way. Knowing his luck, it would never happen. His problems around her had only gotten worse. He couldn’t concentrate on the business at hand—thank the Lord his part was already done. Everywhere he looked, she was somehow in his line of sight, sitting serenely at the table with her hands folded, listening attentively and looking so beautiful his teeth hurt—or maybe that was because he was grinding them.

Who was he kidding? He had more than a secret crush on her, and he was headed down a dangerous path. He liked her very much. How could he not? She was like looking at sunshine in winter, like decorations on a Christmas tree. She made his stony heart hurt whenever she smiled. What was he going to do about that?

The solution was obvious. He had to go back to staying away from her, but considering he had just agreed to work with her on the project, that meant one of them would have to quit. He wasn’t a quitter—not by a long shot. So that meant it would have to be Lucy.

You aren’t going to ask me to step down, are you?
Her words came back to him. Remembering how she had stood before him, just a little thing with frail feelings soft on her face made his heart roll over.

Somehow he would have to get her to change her mind. Maybe now that she knew they would be working together, she would be ecstatic to change, jubilant. He could always hope.

“We’ll see you all next week,” Pastor Mark said as if from a distance, and almost everyone around the table was standing.

Spence hopped to his feet, feeling a step behind everyone else. Friendly conversations rose to fill the room. He had a dozen or more things he could say to anyone standing around him, but did he? No. His attention went to Lucy.

She was chatting with Pastor Mark, kindness shining through her like dawn. He strained to hear a snippet of Lucy’s gentle alto. “I am very committed to the children’s wing. This is a fine thing the church is doing providing Christmas for the kids. I know how much that means to families torn between the hospital and home.”

“We try to reach out to those in their time of need, whether they are believers or not,” Pastor Mark went on to say.

Spence grabbed his briefcase and marched toward the door. Nothing had ever been so hard as deliberately walking away from Lucy. She was supposed to be flaky, some artist type who cared only for herself and getting attention. Except her sincerity rang in his ears, and although he didn’t want to, he knew the sound of truth when he heard it.

I know how much that means to families torn between the hospital and home.
Her voice was stuck on Play, and it looped over and over again. He couldn’t get it to stop. Maybe his conscience wouldn’t let him.

He hit the main hall and kept going. He didn’t look right or left. He nodded at a few folks he knew as he passed by them but didn’t pause to talk. The image of Lucy at Katherine’s sink with sorrow on her face and tears in her eyes battered him. Did that mean she had gone through some kind of loss?

“Spence!”

Lucy. He recognized her voice, since his brain seemed to have recorded it. He steeled himself to face her. The hallway was loud with conversations and folks milling around near the beverage station, but his gaze went right to her hurrying toward him, her hair flying, with a file folder in hand and her coat bunched over one arm. The only words that came to mind were,
you are so beautiful.

Good thing his throat had seized up. He mentally grimaced. As if he could say that to her.

“We need to talk.” She smelled like sweet lilacs and gentle sunshine and sugar cookies. She looked like heaven smiling.

A tiny drop of tenderness sprang to life in his stony, barren heart, and he did his best to beat it out. Why her? Why did it have to be for her?

L
ucy almost didn’t mind that Spence scowled at her with unmistakable distaste. She didn’t care if he didn’t like her. None of it mattered. He had volunteered to do all he could for the kids. She hugged the file folder to her. She loved those kids. Okay, any kid.

“Let’s duck in here.” He opened a classroom door and held it. “We can talk without being disturbed.”

“Good idea.” The hallway was pretty noisy. Not that she was eager to be alone with him, but it couldn’t be avoided. Their footsteps echoed in the room, and she set her things on the nearest desk. What was the best way to handle this situation? She was stuck working with Spence. A wise girl would make the best of it and manage to keep him a good distance away in case he decided to bring out the harsh comments again.

The door shut hard, echoing in the room. Spence looked troubled and a million miles away. “I’m surprised by this as much as you are.”

“I’m touched that you want to make a difference. I didn’t know you had it in you.”

“I deserve that.” He hung his head.

“No, I meant that as a compliment.” It wasn’t as if she admired him or anything, but he did have some very admirable qualities. “Everyone is talking about how you never get involved. But that’s different now. You must really believe in this project.”

“Uh, sure.” There he went, looking uncomfortable again.

Heaven knew what he was thinking. She didn’t want to look
too
friendly. He seemed to be uncomfortable with that, too. “I know it couldn’t have been easy volunteering, especially after what happened.”

“Sometimes I’m too harsh.” He stared at the ground between them. A muscle jerked along his jawline.

“So, you have one flaw.”

That made him smile a little. “I hate to break it to you, but I have more than one.”

“Sure, I didn’t want to point them all out.”

“Thanks. I appreciate that.” Now he was really smiling, inside and out.

“Any time. As long as you don’t start pointing out all my flaws.”

“It’s a deal.” He pulled out a chair and folded himself into it. He watched her carefully. “I hear you volunteer a lot. Why the hospital?”

She went perfectly still. She didn’t move for a full fifteen seconds, each one ticking by slower than the last. Her face shadowed. “I don’t know you enough to tell you that.”

He winced. “I deserve that. But you can trust me, Lucy. I’ve got my flaws, but I know how to keep a confidence.”

“It’s very private.” Tension dug into her face, etching fine lines at the corners of her eyes and around her mouth—lines of great pain.

Uncertainty cinched around his chest, making it tough to breathe. Maybe he didn’t want to know what haunted Lucy. Everyone had pain. He had pain and he didn’t particularly want to look at it or anyone else’s. No good came from it.

Or at least, that’s how he usually handled things. So why did he want to know? It was like a thirst in his soul, and he waited, wondering about the woman who slid behind the desk, using the surface cluttered with her things and the distance between them like a shield.

It was the real Lucy Chapin, he realized. The sunshine was gone and so was the cute smile. She sat quietly, looking very different from the perky blond who was always upbeat. There was a deeper layer to her, and he felt the pull of it on his well-defended heart.

“The man I was engaged to had a four-year-old son who was diagnosed with leukemia ten days before our wedding.” Her eyes silvered, but no tears fell. “Of course we canceled the wedding.”

He nodded once in acknowledgment. It was the most he could muster. Pain exploded through him as he realized what he had said. That afternoon in the kitchen mocked him.
What was wrong with him? Didn’t he have enough money?

He bowed his head, unable to fathom what he had done. No wonder she had dropped the dish. How could she stand to look at him at all? Heaven knew he couldn’t stand himself.

He took a gulp of air, surprised he could actually speak. “I’m s-sorry, Lucy. I didn’t know.”

“I know you didn’t.” She did understand. He could see that plainly. She held no ill will toward him when she had every right to. The sorrow written on her face tortured him.

“You don’t need to say anymore.” He stood up, making enough noise to drown out the thoughts in his head that would not go away. Leukemia. There had never been a wedding. He knew the little boy she had loved had died.

He thought of Dorrie and how she had enough heart to love another woman’s children as much as her own. That’s the way Lucy had been. He could see it. He shoved the chair back in place. The legs scraping against the tile sounded like his soul crying out. Some things were too painful to think about.

He wasn’t wrong a lot, but this time was a whopper. He had judged Lucy at every turn, so harshly, so unchristian-like, because of his own fears, because of his own feelings. He was afraid if he didn’t, then he would care for her even more.

Too late. She stood in his highest esteem, and after all he had done, she couldn’t stand him. He deserved that.

“I know what those families are going through.” She said simply through a veil of tears, her chin set and all pure strength. For a petite thing, fragile and gentle-hearted, she was steel, too. “It’s the reason I left Portland. In the end, the memories were too hard. Only Pastor Marin knows this about me.”

“Understood. I’ll keep this private.”

“Thank you.” She wiped her eyes, trying to smile. “Look at me. I’m a mess. Now you really are thinking twice about working with me. Remember you said you don’t go back on your word?”

He saw what she was doing, tucking away the things that hurt. He took her coat and shook it out, holding it for her. “It’s tempting, but I won’t fire you. You have all the notes.”

“Whew.” She turned and slipped into the coat.

Tenderness spilled into his heart, one miserly drop at a time—tenderness he couldn’t hold back.

“We’ll need to get together.” She stepped away, hugging the coat to her as if for comfort. “We should make it as painless as possible for us both. I know I’m not your favorite person.”

“I’ve never said that.”

“Actions speak louder than words.” She didn’t meet his gaze as she hooked her purse over her shoulder.

Direct hit. “Let’s face it, I’ve been awful to you.”

“Yes, you have. And for your information, I didn’t know Katherine had been trying to fix me up with you when I first moved here. It hadn’t been my idea.”

“I’m not your first choice of a man, sure.” He deserved that, too. It was the story of his life.

“No, I wasn’t in a position to think about dating again. Katherine didn’t know that.”

“I didn’t either.” Heat stained his face. He had never felt more shamed or embarrassed around anyone. “It’s what I do, Lucy. If there’s the slightest chance of a woman being interested in me, I make sure to stop it. It wasn’t anything personal.”

“It feels personal, Spence. Take some advice.” The shadows were in her eyes again as she laid her hand on his arm.

The tenderness within him doubled against his will. He tried to swallow and couldn’t. He tried to move away and couldn’t. He was held in place by the connection of her simple touch.

“You’re making a habit of pushing people away and closing them out.” Earnest and sincere, all caring, came her words. She walked away in slow, measured steps. His arm felt cold where she had touched him. “One day all you will have is a heart too hard to love anyone and no one who loves you in return. Trust me. I know.”

How? he wondered. How did she know? He watched, speechless in amazement, as she pulled open the door and disappeared into the hall. There was too much residual noise to make out the pad of her footsteps walking away from him.

He picked up the file folder she had forgotten. How had she known his worst fears? He rushed out into the hall, but there was no sign of her. A handful of people from the meeting were clustered together, sipping tea. A few of them turned to him and nodded in acknowledgment.

Jason Huntley gave him a thumbs-up. They all probably thought he had volunteered to help Lucy because he was sweet on her.

They didn’t know the half of it.

“How did the meeting go?” Danielle asked the second he walked in the bookstore.

“Tolerable.” He scowled, sending one of the new hires scurrying. He scowled harder as the door swung shut with a tinkle of the overhead bell. He hadn’t meant to frighten the help. “Can’t you find someone less skittish?”

“Brother dear, it would take Attila the Hun not to quake when you look like that.” Danielle went up on tiptoe. He winced, and she wrapped her arms around him.

He didn’t hug her back. He wanted to, but how would that look? People would stop scattering when he frowned. The next thing he knew, he would have to start talking about his feelings. He rolled his eyes and put one arm around his sister in a half hug. Then he broke away. “That’s enough. This is a place of business.”

“How inappropriate of me.” She rolled her eyes, not offended, trying not to laugh at him.

She had his number, all right. He was fairly fond of her. He kept his frown in place and marched toward the cash registers.

“How did the meeting go?”

“It was a meeting.” He rounded the counter, refusing to give up any more information. The cashier, their cousin, Kelly, looked up from her textbook and gave him a smile. She was back from California, married and in graduate school now. There was a sensible girl. She never quaked when he stormed by. He tossed her a smile, careful that no one else saw it, as he stalked toward his office.

“That’s it? It was just a meeting?” Dani was smiling by the sound of it as she brushed past his desk and settled into one of the armchairs by the window. “I expected something more informative. Maybe even a show of your temper?”

“I know why you stepped down from being the committee chair.” He dropped his briefcase beneath his desk and shucked off his overcoat. “You wanted Lucy to take your place.”

“I suppose that is one consequence.” Her eyes twinkled at him. “Morning sickness might be the real motive here.”

He knew Danielle. She would never hurt him intentionally. But she was one of the few who had found a happy and loving marriage, one without deceit and worse, and so she looked at marriage through a serious set of rose-colored glasses. “You meant well, but do you want to know what happened?”

“I’m dying of curiosity.” She leaned forward in her chair.

“I’m the committee head in your place.” He tossed his coat over the file cabinet and paused for effect. “Me.”

“You?” She bit her bottom lip and choked.

“You’re laughing.”

“Who me? No, I’m not laughing.”

“Because you’re fighting it.” He wasn’t fooled. It really was funny. He dropped into his chair. There was no way he was going to admit how it happened. That was strictly private information. “Go ahead and laugh. I deserve it.”

“Something tells me you are going to love getting involved.” Danielle leaned back in the chair and crossed her ankles, looking as if she were already picturing the outcome.

Oh, he knew what she was thinking. He scowled harder. “I’m not going to wind up with Lucy. She can’t stand me.”

“Lucy is warm and wonderful. She loves everyone.”

“Not me. I can guarantee that.” He thought of the sadness he had caused her, what she must think of him. He tapped his keyboard, and the computer screen blinked on. “Let’s go over your schedule.”

“Why? You’re not replacing me already, are you?”

“No, but you
are
cutting back on your work hours. That’s an executive order.” All he had to do was think of Katherine with her feet up lying in bed all day, trying to combat high blood pressure. He should have taken a firmer hand with her and refused to let her work the instant she had told him about her pregnancy. Working hadn’t caused the problem, but it hadn’t helped it. “Your only job will be finding and training your replacement.”

“Spence, you can’t manage everything on your own.”

“I can handle it. What I can’t handle is worrying you will lose the baby.” His voice sounded strained, and he hated that he had tipped his hand toward his emotions like that. He would have to give Katherine a call in a bit and make sure she didn’t need him to do anything for her. She had a husband, a teenaged stepdaughter and sisters ready to run at a moment’s notice, but he had his responsibility, too. “I mean it, Danielle. If you argue, then you are out of here today.”

“Spence, you are being unreasonable. Again.” Gently spoken, she launched out of the chair and came his way.

He sure hoped she wasn’t going to hug him. He didn’t approve of affection. Okay, maybe he did, but it embarrassed him. He held out his hand, hoping that would stop her. It slowed her down.

“I don’t know what I’m going to do with you.” She sat on the edge of his desk and ruffled his hair. “You’re hopeless.”

“I know. And I sort of care about you.”

“I sort of care about you, too.” She didn’t hug him.

Whew. He relaxed and turned to his computer. “You’re coming in late from now on. No arguing. We have to account for morning sickness. If it’s troubling you, then you stay home.”

“I sailed through my other two pregnancies with just a little stomach upset.”

“You can’t be too careful.” As he adjusted the scheduling, he thought of what Lucy had told him. Four years old. He remembered Dani’s son at that age. Tyler had loved fire trucks and the color red and playing with the garden hose for hours. He still did. What had Lucy’s stepson-to-be been like? Precious, that’s what. Every child was precious.

“No more working evenings.” He deleted her from the schedule. “Too bad Lauren is managing Gran’s commercial properties, or she could take over for you.”

“I’ll talk to her and see if she has any suggestions,” Danielle offered. “She might know someone.”

“And put an ad in the paper.” He tried to concentrate but his thoughts kept returning to Lucy and the broken dish in the sink and the blood dripping from her hand. He also thought about the quiet solemn layers of her depth and compassion.