Hindsight (3 page)

I picked up my phone and dialed Sean’s number before I lost my nerve. I didn’t have his name programmed in my phone to keep Tony from finding it, but I knew the number by heart. It had been equivalent to nine-one-one to me.

I knew what my call would insinuate, but that’s not what I wanted. I just needed a friend to confide in. I only needed someone to listen, preferably someone who understood my situation. Not only was Sean one of my
only
friends, but he was definitely the only person in the world that understood the things Tony had continually put me through.

“Hello, Char,” he sighed. That wasn’t a great start to our conversation, but it wasn’t the worst one I had ever heard before. At least he answered versus sending me to voicemail, which is what he had done for the last couple of days.

“Hi,” I replied in a breathy voice. As soon as I heard his voice, the armor I had slipped into place earlier began to fall away. I suddenly wanted him to comfort me, hold me and tell me everything would be okay, just as he had done so many times before. But I knew he wouldn’t do that anymore.

“What do you need? I’m in the middle of work.” His harsh tone sounded as if he were bothered that I had called and I felt the sting to my ego.

“I just wanted to talk to you. Something happened today and I’m just scared. I need you, Sean. I’m really fucking—”

“What?” he interrupted me, his voice suddenly filled with concern. “Are you okay?”

Despite everything else, everything we had been through, he still cared.

“Yes,” I whispered, fighting with everything in me to keep the tears away.

“Are you sure? What happened? Was it Tony?”

“No, it wasn’t Tony…” My voice cracked as the tears began to break free. “I’m okay. I’m just really scared. I really need you right now, Sean.” I lost the last grip of control I had and the tears let loose. The fear I felt was evident in my voice.

“Can you wait until I get done with work? I can bring dinner.” He didn’t sound like he was too interested in stopping by, but was only suggesting it to appease me. It was what he started doing toward the end of our relationship.

“Okay.” It was already after one in the afternoon and I still had a hell of a mess to clean up downstairs. I hadn’t even really surveyed the full extent of the damage, but I knew it was a lot. “That sounds good.”

There was silence before he asked, “Char, are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yes. I’m sure. I’ll be okay until you get here.”

“I’ll see you at six,” he said and then hung up the phone. I hated how he no longer said goodbye or voiced his love for me. He used to end every call with “I love you,” but that ended some time ago and I feared I would never hear it again.

I hung up my phone but didn’t feel any better. Instead, I felt full of anxiety. I was scared. For the first time in a long time, I was really scared. I didn’t think I wanted to stay in that house any longer. As long as Tony had people after him for money, I knew he wouldn’t show up at the house. But I started to wonder what was worse—Tony, or the three men from earlier.

I walked back downstairs after slipping into a pair of jeans and a T-shirt, and stopped on the bottom step. The living room had been completely trashed, I mean completely. Everything that was glass and could be broken was. Everything that was valuable and could be sold for cash was taken. Everything that had been taken or broken meant nothing to me. They were all Tony’s expensive things that he had collected to show off to friends and clients. I didn’t give a fuck about any of them. They were nothing but mementoes to support the lie he portrayed to everyone. The perfect life he pretended to live with the perfect wife he had on his arm. Except our life was anything but perfect and he reminded me daily how extremely imperfect I was.

I had to go back upstairs for shoes because I didn’t want to cut my feet. That’s when it hit me. I rushed back downstairs, wearing my shoes, and headed over to the bookcase against the wall after remembering something that was dear to me—my childhood photo book. I let out a sigh of relief when I realized it was still there, untouched.

I quickly got out a broom and started to sweep up the majority of the broken glass. On one of my trips from the living room to the kitchen, I noticed the coffee pot on the counter. I took the broom handle and beat the shit out of it. It felt so good, even though it made one more mess for me to clean up. All in all, it ended up taking me over three hours to clean up the downstairs. By the time I was done, I was a sweaty mess.

My phone chirped with an incoming message and my heart seized in my chest as I saw who it was from.
I told you to wait until after the trial. Now look at what you’ve done!
Even though they were only typed words on the screen of my phone, they echoed around me until I was consumed with fear.

The only thing that kept me sane through the entire process of cleaning was knowing that Sean would be coming over. I needed him more than I had ever needed anyone in my life. I only wished he would believe me when I told him that.

***

I inspected the alarm system, wondering how anyone would have been able to bypass it. That’s when I noticed the blank screen. The power must’ve been cut to it and panic filled every crevice in my mind. I was paralyzed in fear as I stared at the blank screen, feeling so helpless and vulnerable. I felt unprotected as if a bull’s eye was marked on my back.

The doorbell pulled me from my panic-induced state. I looked up and realized I found myself sitting on the floor in the living room. My back was in the corner and my knees were pulled up against my chest with my arms wrapped around them like a child would do, pulling myself as far in to the wall as I could. I didn’t want anyone to look through the windows and be able to see me.

I didn’t move. Instead, I waited until I heard a knock, followed by Sean’s voice. “Char? Are you in there? Come on, answer the door.”

That was when I finally untangled myself out of my ball in the corner and made my way to the front door. I cracked it open and then backed away, allowing Sean to make his own way inside.

My back was to him as he walked in and then closed the door behind him. There was silence all around and then I heard him release a long breath. I wanted to go to him. I craved his touch. I wanted him to wrap me in his strong arms and comfort me like he used to. But I couldn’t move. I couldn’t look at him. I knew the expression he would have on his face. I had seen it so many times, and it broke me apart so many times.

“Charlotte,” he breathed out and he made it sound like heaven.

The sadness in his voice shattered my already crumbling exterior. I bent at the waist and covered my face with my hands, muffling the sobs that wracked my body. I heard a paper bag hit the floor moments before I felt his arms go around me, pulling me into his toned chest. His heart was beating so strong I could feel it through my back, as if it were beating in my own chest.

“What happened? Talk to me, Char,” he begged into my ear.

I spun in his arms and buried my face in his chest. He felt so good, so right. I wanted him to hold me like this forever. I felt safe. He rubbed my back for a moment before walking me over to the couch and sitting me down. He pulled away from me just far enough to look me in the eyes, and I hung on to him so tightly he couldn’t pull away any further. I needed him, to feel the comfort of his body against mine.

I couldn’t keep eye contact with him without seeing every unspoken word between us. My eyes darted around the room, still absorbing the damage left behind from my earlier visitors.

“Someone came, looking for Tony,” I mumbled.

“Who would be after Tony?” he asked in a concerned voice.

I scoffed and the sound echoed in the now nearly empty room. It sounded weird coming from me after all I had been through. “Your guess is as good as mine. It could be anyone. You know the kind of shit he’s been into as well as I do.”

He didn’t say anything back to me, just watched me as I fell deeper and deeper into the rabbit hole.

I looked down to my lap where I had my hands twisted together. I wasn’t sure how Sean would handle what I had to say next. He had warned me so many times and there were things I hadn’t told him. “I guess he owes someone money. Three men showed up here today looking for it. They trashed the house and took anything valuable.”

“How much were they looking for?” he asked with curiosity.

I shrugged. “I don’t know. They never said. All he said was if he went back with nothing, Charles wouldn’t be happy.”

“Charles?” His voice went up an octave and it made me look up at him.

“Do you know who that is?” It was obvious that he did. I just didn’t know how much he would admit to me. He was always trying to protect me from Tony and the bullshit he was involved in.

His eyes opened wide. “What the fuck happened?” he asked as he brushed his fingers gently over my tender wound. “Why the hell didn’t you tell me about this earlier? What the fuck? Char. What the fuck did they do to you?”

I was lost in the light brown color of his eyes, watching them burn like an ember in a flame. He could say whatever he wanted, but I knew the truth. He still loved me and he still cared. I could see it in the way his eyes spilled his love for me.

“They just threatened me is all. I couldn’t give them anything and they realized that so they left. The Charles guy told them to leave me alone.” I touched my fingers to his. “Who is Charles?” I tried again.

His hand fell from my neck back to his lap as he looked away from me. He ran his fingers through his light brown hair, which was longer than normal for him. The sides actually reached the tops of his ears and it made me want to reach out and touch it. I loved to play with his hair.

“I think Tony may be more desperate than you originally thought. If he’s dealing with Charles, then he’s beyond desperate. He’s a loan shark. A very ruthless loan shark. He doesn’t deal with piddly amounts of money. If it’s less than a hundred grand, he doesn’t even waste his time. Has Tony come into any money lately? Like a large sum of it?”

I didn’t really have to think very hard about it. Tony never let me in on any of his business or money dealings, but he had told me enough to assume. But with everything we had been through, I would have known of extra money coming our way. Except, if it were used on things that were kept from me, I would have never known.

“No. Not that I’m aware of,” I lied. I did know a few things, just not really about money. “But you know Tony better than I do. You know he wouldn’t let me know if he had any money. The only reason why I know about the bankruptcy is because they came to take away the sports car. If that hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t have known that we were out of money in the first place.” My hands began to shake at a new thought that had just come to me. “Is Charles in the mafia?”

Sean shook his head. “No. Not as far as I know. I don’t think we really have a
mafia
here,” he said, emphasizing
mafia
and looking at me as if I were nuts. “But with the casinos, we have loan sharks, which is still organized crime nonetheless.”

I swallowed hard as the words “organized crime” echoed in my head. What had Tony gotten involved with? I knew it had something to do with the case, but I didn’t really know how the money factored into it all.

He covered his face with his hands and took in a deep breath. “Char, why wouldn’t you listen to me? Why wouldn’t you just listen to me in the first place when I told you to get out?” He sounded so desperate, and it reminded me of all we had been through.

“I am getting out. Getting away from him. It just takes time. I have a plan and it’s important that I stick to it. He’ll kill me otherwise. I’m almost there. Almost free. The trial is almost over.” I looked at him and couldn’t stop thinking about Charles. Based on Sean’s reaction, I had really been in danger. “How bad is it? How bad is this Charles guy?” I asked in desperation.

He wouldn’t even look at me. “Bad.”

My heart dropped and I felt the need to change the subject. The thought of having any type of organized crime breaking into my home sent ice through my veins. I had really been in danger and it terrified me that they would come back. I couldn’t absorb everything he was telling me at that moment. It took everything in me not to break down in front of him. All I wanted was to be with him, for him to save me and keep me safe. But he felt differently, and I couldn’t go through that conversation again.

I looked over, desperate for a distraction, and noticed the paper bag sitting on the floor by the front door. “What did you bring for dinner?”

“Chinese. I didn’t know what to pick up so I went with the usual.”

I stood up and went to the bag. I opened it to peek inside, wondering what he had ordered. As soon as I saw the egg roll, I smiled. It was a simple gesture, but it was huge to me. Sean hated egg rolls, but I loved them. The fact that he ordered one meant he had thought about me. It was the simple things that I loved most about him.

I picked the bag up and took it to the kitchen table. Sean continued to sit on the couch as I pulled out plates and began to dish out the food for us. It was strange that Sean was there and we were going to share dinner together. He hadn’t been by in weeks and I had begun to think he would never come back. I had even let myself start thinking that I might never see him again.