Hindsight (20 page)

My heart sank as I read his words. I needed to know what Tony had asked and what he said in the event Tony decided to bring the topic back up. I needed to make sure our stories were the same. Tony could smell an inconsistency from a mile away.

I’m at the salon getting my hair done. I’ll call you when I leave.

A second later, another text came through.

What salon? I’m coming to you.

I typed out where I was and hit send. Fear consumed me, worried that we would get caught. What if Tony had followed me and saw us? He already suspected that there was something going on; although, I knew he would never believe that his friend would betray him in that way. The idea of seeing Sean comforted me so greatly that I abandoned all the other thoughts. I was in a war between two emotions. I wanted to see him, needing his comfort, but at the same time, I didn’t want him to see my hair. I felt tears spring to my eyes as I remembered the grief that had consumed me when Tony had chopped my hair off, as if it were nothing. Tony had always been talented to discern what would hurt me the worst. He was a master at maneuvering expeditiously to the quick and causing immediate hurt.

The stylist had done a great job with my hair. Once I had gathered up the nerve to look into the mirror, I had been pleasantly surprised. She had made it look like someone hadn’t murdered my hair with a pair of household scissors, yet it still hurt to see the length. I wondered if the pain would ever leave or if it would always stay there, lying dormant until something reminded me of my long hair. I wouldn’t be able to hide behind my veil any longer.

As I paid my bill at the counter, the door flew open and Sean charged in.

The woman behind the counter giggled and looked at Sean. “You might want to hide the scissors from your kids from now on, unless you want your wife to wake up one morning with hair shorter than yours.” She thought Sean was my husband and that immediately brought a smile to my lips.

He looked at me and immediately began to laugh. I’m sure he was thinking the same thing I was. I belonged to another man, yet in public, people thought I belonged to him. It must have been the way we looked at one another, and it only gave me a deeply rooted worry that Tony would eventually see the same thing.

Sean reached out and touched my hair. I could feel the smile fade from my lips. His only grew wider as he pulled me closer to him. “It looks beautiful, babe. This just proves that no matter what you do to yourself”—he turned his eyes to the woman at the counter—“or what our little rugrats do to you, you’ll always be beautiful.”

The woman behind me swooned audibly and I felt another smile radiate from my face. He took my hand and led me outside. He continued to hold it even though I had tried to let go once we were out the doors. I didn’t want to chance being seen holding his hand, especially after what had taken place that morning at the house.

He led me to his car and opened the passenger door, closing it after I sat down.

“I have my own car, Sean. I can’t go anywhere with you.”

“I know. We’re not going anywhere. We’re just going to sit right here and talk.” He looked at me and touched my face, telling me that he loved me through unspoken words. The evidence of his love and concern surrounded me like a warm blanket. “What’s going on? What happened to your hair and why did Tony call me?”

I shrugged, not even knowing where to begin.

“He was asking all kinds of questions about us,” he continued.

“What did he say? What did you say?” I asked him and felt my stomach turn into nervous knots. I was so scared at what might happen, the ramifications of the facts Sean had relayed to Tony.

“He just wanted to know if there was anything going on between us. I guess he had found out that I had taken you to see a doctor and he was asking about that. I told him you had called me, needing help after falling down the stairs and I had offered to take you to see my friend.”

“How did you know to say I had fallen down the stairs?” I asked in surprise.

He smirked. “Char, I’ve known you for years. I’ve seen the bruises long before I knew what was going on. It was always one excuse after another, but when you were seriously injured, it was always the stairs. I know your go-to excuses better than I know my own.”

I nodded, knowing he was right. Over the last six years, I had “fallen down stairs” more times than I could count. Good thing we actually had stairs; I wouldn’t know how to excuse my injuries without them.

“What did you say when he asked if anything was going on between us?”

He scoffed and rolled his eyes. “I told him that there was. That I am in love with you and trying to steal you away from him. I told him that the highlight of my week is when he goes to his girlfriend’s house so I can sink balls deep in you, and that I can’t wait until he’s out of the picture so I can do it every day.” He laughed at my shocked expression. “What do you think, Char? Of course I didn’t tell him all of that. I told him he had nothing to worry about. He’s my best friend and you’re his wife. I am friends with you by association and that means we are a part of each other’s lives.”

“And what did he say?” That was the important thing. It didn’t matter what either of us said to Tony, the only thing that would calm my nerves was what Tony had said to Sean.

“He apologized for assuming and accusing us of having something going on. He said he was just being paranoid over losing you and how the stress of this case had consumed him. I assured him again that nothing was going on, that we were friends and I would never cross that line. He told me he knew that and trusted me.”

The rigidness in my body finally relented and I was able to relax. If Tony was apologizing to Sean, that meant he had believed it. Sean had been able to make Tony believe his words and hopefully, that mean he would be off my back as well.

“It’s okay, Char. He—”

“This whole thing scares me.” I cut him off. My voice was shaking with emotion. “I’m not a cheater, and cheating on my husband with his best friend makes me a harlot. It makes me a horrible person. What the hell am I doing? What in the hell are we doing?” I began frantically talking.

He silenced me with his lips and I felt my shoulders sag in sweet relief.

“Char,” he said as he pulled his lips away but kept his forehead on mine. “If Tony was a real husband then I would agree with you. But he’s not. A real husband—a real man—would never lay his hands on his wife… on
any
woman for that matter. So no, you’re not a harlot. You’re not a horrible person. And as for what we’re doing? We’re doing anything two people that are in love with each other would do. This isn’t a normal situation. If anyone should feel guilty, it’s him. He should rot in hell for what he’s done to you.”

“What if he finds out?” I asked, still plagued with worry.

His lips found mine again and his hands worked their way into my hair. It was different from the way Tony had done it that morning. The way Sean held onto me was possessive, yes, but in a loving way, not out of anger or anything other than complete adoration. It was so easy to see the difference in the two men. It still shocked me at times since I had only seen evidence of the kind of man Tony is during my growing up years. My father had been the same kind of man.

“He won’t find out before we’re ready for him to. But if he does, I can hold my own when it comes to him. We used to spar in college and even he knows he doesn’t stand a chance against me. As for you… if he even thinks about anything, I’ll kill him. I swear to you, Char, I will kill him, even if that means I’ll spend the rest of my life behind bars. At least I’ll know you’re safe, because a miracle wouldn’t even be able to save him once I’m done with him.”

The intensity of his words scared me, making me wonder how serious he was about it. I knew he meant them, though. He meant every fucking word. The last thing I would be able to handle was a life without Sean. I would never be able to live with myself knowing he was locked away for protecting me. No. I knew then that I had to be very careful about what I told him. I knew I couldn’t hide the abuse from him, but other than that, I would have to keep certain things hidden. I hated the thought of not confiding everything to him, but it was primarily for his protection to keep him in the dark.

Tony had threatened me a time or two, letting me know in his subtle way that he would kill me before ever letting me go, but I would never be able to tell Sean about that. I would rather die than to know Sean had taken a life for me.

“Be with me,” I begged, pulling at his shirt to bring him as close to my body as the front seat of his car would physically allow. “I need you, Sean. I need you to make this feeling go away. I don’t want to hear you talk like that. It scares me. I can’t live without you.” I sounded like I was crying, but my eyes were dry as I spoke the words. My voice was just emotionally raw.

In one quick move, he reached below his seat, lifted the lever, and slid his seat as far back as it could go. Then, he reached over the center console and lifted me like I was a rag doll, pulling me into his lap. My knee ached from the move, but other than a small wince, I didn’t let on that I was feeling any discomfort. I straddled his lap and wrapped my arms around his neck, letting him pull me into the security of his body. The comfort that radiated from his body into mine was unbelievable. He had a magical way of making everything better with the simplest of gestures.

“All of my hair is gone,” I cried into his chest as he rubbed circles on my back and shushed me tenderly.

“I was serious when I said it doesn’t matter what you do to yourself. You are beautiful no matter what. When will you finally believe that you are a beautiful woman, Char? When will you see the men that shoot me jealous glances because I’m with you and they aren’t? You are so fucking beautiful, not only on the outside. You have the most giving and kind heart.” He held me tightly and I tried not to shy away from his compliments. They were so hard to take. “At least this time when you ride me, your hair won’t get in the way,” he said with a teasing laugh.

I couldn’t help but laugh with him, happy for the break in emotion I had been reeling from. I felt my body shake in his arms as the giggles erupted, then continued. He was right, my hair had always gotten in the way when I had been on top during our moments of intimacy. And he knew how much I liked to be on top since I never was allowed to experience that luxury with Tony. Leave it to Sean to turn my tragic hair incident into a perverted cause.

I stayed like that, in his arms, sometimes kissing, sometimes just letting him hold me for an hour. I knew I needed to get back home; Tony would know something else was going on if I had stayed out too late. I had only gone for a haircut and that in itself had taken almost an hour. He would know and the threat ate at me until I decisively pulled away, kissed Sean goodbye, and then headed back to my car to head home.

Tony was there when I walked through the front door. I had fixed my hair in the car, making sure he wouldn’t be able to tell that fingers had been running through it for the last hour. He looked over to me and stared, not making a single move or sound.

I stood in front of him, waiting for some kind of sign from him to direct my next move. I couldn’t read his face and immediately felt the guilt at what I had been doing eat at me from the inside out. I needed to regain my composure before I gave myself away.

“Your hair looks good. Do you like it?”

No, Tony, I hate it. I loved my hair the way it was before you maliciously hacked it all off, leaving me with nothing left. But I didn’t say that, no matter how much the words tried to claw their way out of my mouth. Instead, I smiled and said, “Yes. She did a really good job.” I waited for him to say something else and when he didn’t, I added, “Do you like it?”

I didn’t really care if he liked it or not. Even if I didn’t like it, or that the thought of my hair being gone sent an enormous amount of pain through me, the only thing that mattered was that Sean loved it. And he told me so over and over again as he cradled me in his arms. I knew in my heart that Sean would love me no matter what.

Tony finally smiled. “Yes, I like it very much. I should have forced you to cut it long ago. The only thing I’ll miss is the ability to grab a hold of you from across the room when your mouth gets a little to smart for your own good.”

Thanks, Tony. Good to know you can still send a threat my way at a time like this. Douche bag.

“So where all did you go? I know it didn’t take that long to get a hair cut.”

I took a deep breath to settle the nerves that ran through me. “Since I didn’t have an appointment, I had to wait for one of the stylists to finish with her client.”

“And you couldn’t have let me know?”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize it had been that long. I was looking through their magazines and must’ve lost track of time. Plus, it took her a while to cut it and style it and I couldn’t use my phone while I was in the chair. It was in my purse on the floor.”

“I talked to Sean,” he said, glaring at me as I stood motionless in place.

I knew he was looking for a reaction, but I didn’t give him one. It wasn’t news to me anymore. I knew what they had talked about so I would know if he was giving me any bullshit. “That’s good. What did he have to say?”

Tony seemed to relax a bit with my nonchalant response. “Listen, Char. I’m sorry I accused you of having an affair with him. I know now that you’re not. I guess I just can’t get over that time in the restaurant.”