Him Her Them Boxed Set (20 page)

Jennifer laughed, shaking her head still looking out the windshield.

"So, your ex-husband thinks Pierce is dead? Is that why he says he can't ever go back to his old neighborhood?"

Jennifer nods.

"Pierce doesn't think I know about Robin, but I do. I practically raised that girl myself, her mother was rarely around. I know how Robin cons money from Pierce. Robin is nothing compared to what Jack would do. Jack would take all the money, one way or another, and destroy everything good that is in Pierce's life. Jack was a bad man before prison, now he's just evil. That's why I went back to Carver, so he won't find me either. And if he does find me, he won't find Pierce. There is nothing in my home to indicate Pierce lived past the age of 18."

It dawns on me, the photos!

"So, that's why all your pictures of Pierce are from his teenage years?"

"Yeah, we vowed no more photos, because you never know. Even if he is at a party and someone breaks out their cell phone for a picture he will leave the room. This may seem paranoid, but you have never met Jack. It's better to be safe than sorry."

There is one thing that bothers me, so I ask.

"So, why Baltimore? I mean, shouldn't you have left the city? Settled somewhere else."

"No. Jack never came back once he got out of jail. He made too many enemies here. Last I heard he was back in Philly. Someone else told me he moved on to Boston. I guess it boils down to this would be the last place he would look. He would assume the same thing if he knew Pierce was alive. So, he would search everywhere but here. He might think I would be here, but not Pierce. I think he really believes Pierce is dead and he has no use for me, so why would he bother."

"Don't you worry about Robin telling?"

"Pierce does, that's why he keeps paying her. She also knows if she does tell, there is no more safe money for her, so I think she will keep quiet."

"Oh. I'm sorry Jennifer. I'm sorry you and Pierce have had to live that life."

I squeeze her hand that has now relaxed its grip from the wheel. She turns to look at me, smiling softly.

"I told you this Jos because we all have things we deal with in life. I understand what fear is and want you to know that I am here for you if you need it. Talking about it helps even if the person you talk to can't help. Just letting it out helps you move on. That man that hurt you he isn't every man out there. He is sick and hopefully he gets the help he needs. It took me a long time to realize every man who wanted to talk to me wasn't Jack. Take as much time as you need, but talk, heal and hopefully love again."

Her words hit me hard as her hand reaches over to my back, lightly rubbing it in a motherly way. Tears start to roll down my face and before I realize it I'm sobbing. It's like seeing the police tape again, but worse. My body is shaking and I can only feel her arms wrap around me. I don't even know how long I've been crying for but we are disrupted from a knock on the car door.

I turn to look through my red swollen eyes to see Luna peering in. I sigh and turn to open the door to leave the car.

"You alright Jos?" Luna rests her hands on my shoulders as I face her once out of the car.

"I think I am getting there. Thanks Jennifer for taking me home and the talk. I appreciate you confiding in me."

I turn to her as she comes to stand by us after getting out of the car.

"Sometimes Jos, things should be left in the past and sometimes the only way to leave it there is to talk, but I think you know that."

She gives me a knowing smile before walking back toward her place. Luna looks at me and I nod to tell her we should go inside. I think it helped me to talk, or I should say listen to Jennifer. I understand where she is coming from now and I think what she said about Pierce's father helped me realize that Pierce would never hurt me. I still worry that if pushed too far he might snap. I know what I saw in his eyes, the anger-fueled features of his face. But, perhaps that is not for me to worry about.

As I walk into our cool home and out of the hot sun, still burning bright in the September sky, I wonder if I should call Pierce or give myself some more time.

I stare at my phone, the picture of her that she never knew I took. Two weeks ago on our double date with Corbin and Luna, she wore that white dress I love. Josephine looked perfect and all I could think about was myself and my own selfish problems. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

Why won't she answer my calls? I didn't hit her or try to rape her, so why won't she call? My mom just tells me to give her time. Corbin says the same. He said she is really shook up and even screamed at him. I can't imagine any woman being afraid of Corbin so perhaps he's right. But it's been over a week and I just have to know she's okay.

I dial the number of the person I know will pick up. It rings.

"Hello Pierce."

"Hey Corbin."

Corbin sighs because he knows what's coming next.

"No I haven't seen her today Pierce."

"Oh, so you aren't seeing Luna tonight?"

"I didn't say that. Luna is here with me. She came over after work. So, I haven't been to their home and therefore haven't seen Jos."

My leg is jumping up and down causing the phone to bounce slightly as I am leaning forward on the couch. Perhaps I should just go over to Josephine's place, see her. She has to answer the door right?

"I'm going over there." I tell him but I'm unsure, hoping he can help me feel more confident about my choice.

"No!"

Well, so much for supporting me.

"What do you mean no? I'm her boyfriend. There is nothing wrong with me going over there, just to make sure she's alright. If she wants me to leave, I'll go. But, I have to see her."

"Look, Pierce, I understand. Trust me I do. But, she is really shaken up and Luna thinks she should come to you. She needs time to heal. Luna told me that she talked to your mom the other day and she seemed a bit better after that, so who knows she may come around sooner than you think."

"What? My mom talked to her? She never told me that. Okay, well I gotta go."

"Pierce don't' do..."

I hang up before he has a chance to finish. Taking the phone from my ear I search the contacts for my mom's number. Suddenly there is a knock at the door. I jump up and my heart starts to pound in my chest.

I'm not expecting anyone. Maybe that's Josephine. Maybe Corbin is right and she has come around. I race to the entranceway and quickly look in the mirror above the desk. I haven't shaved in days and the bags under my eyes look bad. When did I last shower? By the smell of my pits it's been a while. This past week has been a blur.

I've worked from home every day this week, unable to leave the house. I keep thinking she might show up when I'm not here or need me. I want to be close to her just in case.

I try to brush back my hair into something that doesn't look like a matted mess, but no luck. Giving up, I reach for the door handle, my palm sweating as I turn the knob. My heart stops and breath hitches as the woman on the other side stares at me. Her long hair stringier than I last remember and her skin sallow, as if the life left her long ago.

"Hello Junior." Robin cackles at me and then walks right past into my home. Of all the people I want to see as I open the door, she is the last. I think I might have preferred my father as opposed to her. Well, maybe not my father.

I turn and watch her as she rounds the corner into my living room, her eyes darting around everywhere like a caged animal. Shutting the door, I turn to find her sprawling on the couch as if this is her home and she just got back from a long day at the office. Her shoes already kicked off and chucked across the Oriental rug.

"Please Robin, make yourself at home. Would you like anything to drink?"

I walk into the kitchen as she yells out, "got any vodka?"

"No. I got water or beer."

I can hear her grumble as she finally decides on beer. Grabbing two bottles I head back into the room, handing her one. I continue to stand watching her while I throw my head back taking a swig.

"So, Robin what brings you to lovely Federal Hill? I assume it's the greenery."

She doesn't get it as her face betrays her confusion. She may have been sweet and kind at one time, but intelligence was never her thing.

"What? Why would I care about bushes?"

I roll my eyes.

"It was a joke. Never mind. So, why are you here?"

Robin chugs the beer, burps and then places the bottle on the coffee table, turning her head to look out the window to the view of the harbor below.

"Can't I visit an old friend?"

"The only time you visit this old friend is when you are in need of money. So, how much do you need this time Robin?"

She doesn't move, but her eyes flutter about like birds. I can tell she is nervous about something. The only other time I have seen her this way was when she was pregnant. I really hope she isn't pregnant again.

"Umm....a hundred."

What the hell! I choke on my beer, spitting some of it to the floor. The most she has ever asked for was ten thousand. What kind of trouble is she in that she needs that much money?

"I don't have that kind of cash Robin. Why do you need so much?"

She is sitting up now, playing with her fingers, trying to rub away at imaginary dirt. Robin's eyes do not move from her hands.

"Just trust me it's not for drugs if that's what you think. I...he...it's just best you find the money, alright Jacks!"

She gets up with anger in her eyes storming over to me, so we are face to face. I stare at her for a moment and I can tell she is scared and the anger is just a cover. I turn and walk over to the desk by the front door as she walks over to where her shoes lay.

"I can write a check for fifty thousand cash now, but it's going to take at least a week to get the rest, Robin."

I write the check and feel her coming up behind me. Her hand caresses my back as she presses her body into mine. Handing her the check I turn and push her from me.

"Oh come on Jacks, there is no rule saying we can't have a little fun. If I remember correctly, you are always eager for a good time."

Robin tries to wrap her arms around me as I back away from her. I reach behind my back for the door knob. After a few swipes I find the handle, turning it and swinging it open, but have to push myself into her to get it fully open. She wraps her arms around me, her hip bone knifing into me.

"I knew you couldn't resist, handsome man!"

Robin buries her face into my chest as I try to grab for her arms. Suddenly I hear a voice and we both turn to see Josephine standing at the door. She is staring at Robin and then me and then Robin again with her mouth wide open.

"Josephine!" I smile completely forgetting that Robin is wrapped around my body. I try to move toward her and that's when it hits me, what this looks like. I struggle to remove Robin who appears irritated as I push her away and turn to Josephine.

"I'm sorry Pierce, I didn't realize you had company. I..uh...should go."

Josephine turns to leave but I grab her arm to stop her. I can feel her stiffen as she jerks it away.

"Don't touch me!" She yells and then her eyes widen in surprise as if she didn't mean to say those words.

"I'm sorry Josephine. It's just that Robin here is leaving." I turn to look at Robin who has her arms folded in front of her chest, leaning against the wall. She shoves off the wall and stands rolling her eyes at me.

"Whatever, Pierce!" She emphasizes my name while walking past us toward the elevator. She turns and looks up at me while waiting for the doors to open.

"Don't forget, I'll be back next week for the rest...Pierce!"

The elevator doors open and she walks inside never taking her eyes off me. I usher Josephine inside and shut the door. She hesitantly moves and stops at the entrance to the living room looking around and notices the beer bottles on the table. I quickly remove them and motion for her to sit down, but she shakes her head.

I shouldn't have come, I know it. It feels odd watching Pierce with that woman like I am the intruder. I am shocked, a little angry but deep down I understand. Perhaps he is starting to move on. Corbin must have told him how I have been. Pierce might be questioning his feelings, I'm sure.

Watching him walk back into the room I feel my heart start to race. I'm sweating. Turning my head I try to look at everywhere but him.

"Josephine, have a seat."

He sits on the couch patting the spot next to him. Pierce suddenly seems confident and smooth as if he's trying to seduce me. I don't feel comfortable sitting next to him. What if he makes a move? The way he's eyeing me he might try to kiss me. Maybe it's best if I remain standing. I shake my head no, but he gets up to walk toward me so I shake my head some more and hold out my hand to stop him.

"No!" I yell as my vision blurs. I can feel the hot tears running down my face. Why did I think coming here a good idea? Clearly he is moving on and I am far from ready to handle him, us.

He's holding his hands up in surrender stopping at the edge of the couch.

"I just want to know how you are my dear? I promise I won't hurt you. I won't touch you if you don't want me too."

I swipe at my tears and shut my eyes, trying to regain my composure. He won't hurt me, I know this so why can't I feel it? Opening my eyes I see he hasn't moved.

"Pierce I came here because I care about you."

"I care about you too. I love you."

Looking up into his eyes I see sorrow and pain. I caused this didn't I? What did Ryan call me, a tease? Perhaps I am. Perhaps I lead men on and slowly destroy their lives. Pierce deserves better than a shell of a woman. A girlfriend he can't even touch. He deserves more. Someone who can tell him she loves him back.

I'm shaking now as I stare at him and realize I have to let him know.

"Pierce, I...I don't...I don't love you."

Staring at him as if he's some sculpture in a museum. My heart feels nothing right now and the tears burn with that knowledge. His brow wrinkles while cocking his head to the side.

"I don't understand Josephine? I know you may not feel that yet, but in time. Especially after what has happened, I think we shouldn't worry about that right now."

He's tapping his foot on the floor -- I've made him nervous.

"That's not why I said that. I don't think we should see each other anymore."

He steps forward as his eyes widen, but he stops himself seeing me flinch.

"No, Josephine you can't mean that. Why..." He looks away and clears his throat, then turns back with so much pain in his eyes. "Why would you think we should break up? If it's because of what you saw with Robin I can assure you that was all her. I think you can guess why she stopped by, but then she tried to hit on me when I asked her to leave."

"It's not about Robin or maybe in a small way it is. You deserve a woman who you don't have to take care of Pierce. All these woman in your life you have always helped in one way or another. You should have a woman who isn't a burden."

"You aren't a burden Josephine, please! Things happen in life beyond our control and it's our loved ones that help us through it. I want to be one of the loved ones to help you. I don't mind, because I love you. If you don't want me to touch you for a while, that's fine I can live with that, but please don't leave me."

This is harder than I thought. My heart keeps racing and when I speak my throat tightens, but I feel numb. My body can react to this breakup but my emotions are still in a coma. I stare at my palms trying to will the sweat away.

"This isn't just about you Pierce. I do believe with all my heart you deserve an amazing woman but that isn't me. I can barely be in the same room with you right now, how am I supposed to be your girlfriend? I can't even feel right now! I feel nothing but fear. Cold empty fear!"

The tears are falling steadily down my face as my voice rises. I want to cry, feel sad but only my body reacts. Pierce is rubbing his forehead looking around the room as if answers to his questions lie in his décor. He yells "fuck it" and runs toward me grabbing my arms. I gasp and stare at him with wide eyes.

My heart feels like it's going to burst out of my chest but I can't speak. I want to scream, but I can't even move. Fear has paralyzed my vocal cords as I struggle from his grasp and then I see it. That look in his eyes, it's there but there is more pain behind it.

"Please Josephine don't do this. I love you, god I love you! You're just scared right now. What that monster did to you, he's making you question this, us, don't let him get away with it. I'll...I'll stay away for a week...two...whatever you need, but please don't end this."

I'm still trying to worm out of his hold when my voice creeps back to me.

"Let go. Let go. Let go! Pierce let go of me!" It starts as a whisper and each line grows louder until I am yelling. He looks over me as if he didn't realize he still had ahold of my arms and releases me from his grasp.

I scramble to the door, shaking so hard the knob is a puzzle. It takes me several tries but I open the door as Pierce comes up behind me.

"Josephine, don't go. I won't touch you again I promise. Please don't..."

I slam the door behind me before he has a chance to finish. Pressing the button for the elevator it opens after a few moments. When I turn to see the doors closing I lock eyes with Pierce as he stands on the other side. I release a breath I didn't realize I was holding and that's when the pain hits me again.

It's strong, worse than before, causing my legs to give out beneath me. I fall to the floor sobbing harder than I have in my life. It as if my heart has been ripped from my body and thrown against the wall. I can't take it anymore.

I feel nothing but fear and the rare times I have an emotion other than fear it's depression, painful depression. I think it's time I realize I need help. Things have changed so drastically, I've changed. As scared as I am to make the call, I know I can't go on like this.

Once I am in the lobby of the building I call my mentor from college, Dr. Janis Briggims. I explain what happened, all of it and she tells me to go immediately to a colleague of hers. She will contact the doctor and let her know I am coming.

"But it's quite late at night Janis? Are you sure Dr. Reynolds is there?"

"Don't you worry about anything Jos. I think you need to see someone sooner rather than later. Besides Dr. Reynolds owes me a favor, it's about time she pays up."

I can hear her chuckle over the phone. It's nice to hear someone laugh, it makes me smile.

"Alright, I'll take a cab there now. Thanks again for your help."

"Not a problem Jos. I do hope she can help you. Good night."

"Goodbye Janis."

I put my phone away and stay seated on the lobby bench for a few minutes gathering my thoughts. Finally, I get up and head out of the building and walk to the street to hail a taxi. After a minute one pulls over and I get in telling the driver the address. I feel my phone vibrate, so I get it out and notice a text from Pierce.

Your shade lingers long behind

I put my phone away as the tears start to flow again.