Here & Now (28 page)

I did all of that to spite him, but quickly came to love it. I scoured books on it, went in search of old players to talk to and learn from, absorbing every single thing about it until I was literally eating it, sleeping it and breathing it. I let it consume me so much that I even risked my own life, both alone and with Cadence. Ryder was wrong. I’m a junkie alright, but not for the shit I was taking.

For football.

It’s the one thing that gave me purpose, made me feel something other than total loathing and disgust and now, with my leg in a cast for the foreseeable future, my future in the sport and in general so unclear, I don’t know what to do with myself. How I’m supposed to go on from here and what the hell I’m gonna do with my life.

Sports Medicine. Trainer. Coach.

Three things a tutor who barely knows me thinks I have it in me to be. Three things that with everything that’s happened now, I need to seriously start giving thought to.

Isaac was right.

“You’re awake.”

Her voice, even when it’s riddled with sleep, is still sexy and like music to my ears. I may have lost football and that loss might sting for a while, but I know one that would hurt a hell of a lot worse and I’m determined now that she’s here with me, to hold onto her, and never take her or the love she has for me for granted.

No more mistakes with us. It’s time for me to start really making things right. Perfect. The way Cadence deserves them to be.

It’s time for me to step up and be a man. An adult instead of a moronic kid.

“I am.”

“How long have you been watching me drool all over your blanket?”

“About a half hour. Did you know you’re gorgeous even with a line of spit falling from your mouth?”

I laugh as her hand flies up to her face, wiping at it even though there’s nothing there and the second she realizes that I’m kidding, she smacks me.

“That’s just mean…and untrue.”

Reaching over and grabbing the call button, her eyes go wide and she reaches out to stop me.

“What are you doing?”

“Calling the nurse. I need to get a mirror in here because someone obviously needs to see that I’m telling the truth.” When she laughs again as I stick my tongue out, I take the chance and pull her across the bed until our lips are touching. I don’t care about my leg or the weight right now. All I care about is feeling her again, even if it’s the last damn thing I deserve.

“Thank you for being here.” I murmur when she breaks the kiss and pulls back to look at me. Seeing her now, I’m getting a full view of what the last few hours have been like on her. Her eyes look tired, along with the dried tear stains she missed when she obviously tried to wipe at them, judging by the streak lines present. Her body doesn’t show any signs of strain, but I’ve got no doubt it’s been under attack with worry too.

My stupidity really put her through hell.

“Dill…”

“Shush,” I start, somehow knowing what she’s going to say and not wanting her to finish. If we’re about to get into everything I did, there’s some things I need to get out first. “I’m an idiot, Cadence.”

“No you’re n—”

“Yes I am.” I state, again interrupting her. It might be an asshole move, not letting her finish a sentence, but I’m not going to sit here and let her tell me that the shit I pulled, lying, hiding and then exploding on her wasn’t anything but one hundred percent wrong. She deserves better than that.

“What happened? I thought things were okay. What changed?”

“Things weren’t okay, Caddy. They haven’t been okay for a while, but that’s because I was too stupid to admit I needed help. That things were screwed up and I didn’t know what to do. I was too afraid to admit I was weak.”

“You weren’t weak.”

“Yes, I was.” I repeat. If my best friend can freak the fuck out in front of a campus full of people and own his shit afterward, I can do it too. I deserve it even more than Kayden anyway. “I spent the last five years buying into the whole
my body is a temple
thing and not tainting it and what did I go and do? Take shit that did more than just taint me. It could have killed me.”

“Dill—”

“Let me finish okay?” I ask and when she nods, I don’t waste time. “Even worse, I hid it from you. Instead of coming to you the way a man does and admitting that I was struggling to keep up, that I thought I was failing, letting everyone down; I was weak and did the most reckless thing I could.”

“It was stupid and wrong and could have cost me the one thing that matters.”

“Dill, it did cost you what matters.”

No way.
She can’t mean that. There’s no way she would be in here with me right now if I lost her. Or would she be? I know she’s a good person, does the right thing, makes the right choices most of the time, I mean shit, that’s a lot of what I love about her but she can’t possibly be here to end things.

“Caddy…”

“What?”

“Are you done with me? Cutting your losses? Finally realizing what a piece of shit I am?”

The tightness in my chest on the field when I was in and out of consciousness, it’s nothing compared to the searing pain that’s there now. Even thinking about this is threatening to break me in half. She’s the better part of me. She’s the only one who sees me. Hears me. Gets the gigantic mess that I am. I can’t lose her. No way.

I’ll do whatever it takes to make sure that doesn’t happen.

“What?” she exclaims before launching herself onto the bed, leaning her body down hard and jumping back when she feels me cry out from the pain. “I’m sorry!”

“It’s okay. Maybe you can move a little slower? I choke out, trying to swallow down the sharp pain shooting straight up through me, even now attempting to be anything but weak.

She does what I suggest and moves herself back up onto the bed, slipping herself around me in a way that keeps all pressure off my injured leg, but into a shape that looks anything but comfortable for her. Her eyes are now deadlocked on mine, her face scrunched and serious, but her sadness written all over her lips. Sadness I caused.

“Why do you think I’m ending it?”

“What you said. Losing the one thing that matters to me would be losing you and what we have. You said I did.”

“Football, not you.” She says with a sigh, finally understanding what I mean. “Never you.”

There’s not a seed of doubt from her, she’s secure in her answer and I have no idea what to do with it. Of course it’s what I want to hear, but if she wanted to get up right now and leave the room because I lied to her, she’d have every right. No matter how much I would hate being alone.

“You don’t believe me, do you?”

“I believe you, I just can’t believe
it.
” I admit. “After everything…what I said and the things I did and kept from you, how have I not lost you?”

“Because despite everything you did and said, and how strongly I felt and still feel about how wrong it is, we’ve got something more powerful then all of it.”

“What’s that?”

“Love, Dill. We have love. The messy, no holds barred, completely unbreakable kind. That even when we’re at our ugliest; the absolute bleakest we’ve ever been, keeps our hearts beating. Do you remember the letter you wrote me last year?”

I could be completely blitzed out of my mind and remember the letter I wrote her last year. The things I admitted, both about my past and the way I felt about her then. I’m pretty sure I could lose every single memory I have and that letter would still be there, that’s how much it meant to me.

“What about it?”

“Do you remember what my mom told you when we broke up?”

“Love isn’t about trying, failing and giving up because it didn’t work out the way you wanted it to. It’s continuing to try despite it.”

She smiles at me when I’m done repeating Sarah’s words back and it’s crystal clear. It’s like we’re right back at the beginning again and even though just like last time, I’m the one screwing everything up, there’s no denying the validity in the statement. Everything is coming full circle right now and Cadence is living proof of it.

Staying with me after everything, both last year and now, she’s proving her mother’s words true. She’s also proving what she said about love being more powerful true too. If it can defeat me being a bully, take on the effects of the drugs, and the lies I told to hide it all from her, it can defeat anything.

What we have, it conquers it all.

“I love you Dillon and nothing is ever going to change that, but I do think that if this is going to work, we both need to do things differently.”

“Different how?”

“You’ve got to stop thinking you’re alone, because you’re not. Whatever you’re dealing with, I’m dealing with too. It’s what couples do. I know that you’re used to keeping everything inside and being the strong one, but sometimes, it’s okay to admit you’re weak and to ask someone else to handle the heaviness for a while. I love that you want to keep me safe and sheltered from all of your issues, but all that does is push me away. Let me be the strong one for once.”

“You already are. You always have been.”

“If that’s true then put your money where your mouth is, Murphy.”

Laughing the second I hear her laugh and the crooked little grin that climbs across her face, I give in to it. To her. Whatever she wants and needs me to do, I’ll do because she’s right. I need to trust in her to handle all of me, the same way she trusts in me.

It’s not about weak or strong. Bruce’s words no longer get a say. They shouldn’t have been allowed to have a say this long. The beginning I had with Cadence last year, the one that wasn’t supposed to have an end, it has to end, because after everything we’ve been through the last couple of days, let alone weeks and months, it demands a fresh start.

A new beginning and one that has a definitive end. Her and I together, stronger than ever.

“How exactly do I do that, Taylor?”

“Do something with me.”

“Are you being vague on purpose or is my confusion a turn on?”

“It
might
be a turn on, but I’ll never tell.” She says with a wink before turning serious again. “I want to take you with me and talk to someone.”

“And this mysterious someone is?”

“Pam, my therapist. What you did with the pills and what you’ve always done, taking everything on yourself, people pleasing, doing what’s better for everyone but you, I think it might help if you had someone to talk to about it.”

“Can’t I just talk to you?”

“You’ve had a year to do that and it took you passing out in the middle of a game to do it.”

She makes a good point. I have had the ability to open up to her for a year now and chosen to keep silent because I didn’t want to burden her. It’s a plan that completely backfired.

I’m just now sure how I feel about going to see a shrink, even if she does know Caddy. If I can’t even open up to my girlfriend about how serious a problem I’ve got, how am I gonna do it with a stranger?

“I don’t know. Going into an office alone and unloading all my shit on a stranger? Isn’t there another way I can start fixing this?”

“You didn’t hear me.”

“I always hear you.” I disagree, sliding my arm up until I’ve got my hand over my heart in an effort to prove it. “I hear you in here. Always. Every single second.”

“No, Dillon, that’s not what I mean. I mean you literally didn’t hear me.”

“Okay, I’m confused.”

“Of course you are.” She laughs and I can’t help joining in because she’s absolutely right.

“You wanna clear it up?”

“I said I wanted you to do something
with me.
Not alone. If we’re going to do this, we’re doing it together. As long as you’re willing, you’re never going to have to do anything alone again.”

Hearing her loud and clear, both literally and figuratively, I return her soft smile with a bright one of my own.

“So, when do we start?”

Dillon

This is too much.

I know that I told Cadence I could do this earlier when we talked about it, but being here now, the reminders of the past it brings up, along with the bad taste it leaves in my mouth, it’s so stifling and heavy that I’m beginning to regret even coming at all.

Ever since I got released from the hospital and had to adjust to being back at the apartment with the cast on my leg and crutches to get me around, everything has been an adjustment. It’s like I’m not just trying to start over with Cadence, build something stronger and better than we had before, but also doing the same damn thing with myself.

When the depression came over the realization that I probably wouldn’t ever play football again, I’d been ready for it. The highs and lows; feeling useless, the emptiness inside at not really having a purpose anymore. It flooded me. Wave after wave of it, hitting me full throttle until I just wanted to scream out for someone to make it stop.

And I did, more than a few times and every single time, she was there to bring me back, just the way she promised.

She couldn’t be here with me for this, though. This was something I was going to have to face alone.

I’ve finally come to terms with walking away from football, but it doesn’t stop the lump from growing in my throat as I make my way down through the lockers to Coach’s office. Whatever his reason is for wanting me here, I’ve got no clue, but being surrounded by everything I held so close, idolized so strongly and knowing that there’s no going back, it’s a bitter pill to swallow.

There’s a lot of what ifs. What if I had gotten my knee looked at sooner, would I still have been able to play? What if I had never taken that first enhancer? Would this be the way my life turned out? Question after question floods my mind with each step I take until I’m so lost in them that I almost walk clear into the closed door in front of me.

Lifting my hand and knocking, I hear the familiar voice bark out a response and make my way in, keeping myself close to the door should I need to make a hasty exit and a move that once he looks up and catches it, earns me a laugh.

“You’ve been playing for me for months and never once in that time, no matter how bad I went off on you, have you ever looked as scared as you do right now. Make yourself at home, boy.”

Motioning to the chair across from him, a seat that only a little over a month or so ago, I’d been sitting in while he went off about my shitty performance on the field, he waits until I’m comfortable and as per his usual, gets right down to business.

“I’m assuming you talked to Kane and that’s why you’re here now.”

“Well, I’ve talked to him, but no, he’s not the reason I’m here.”

“So it was the young lady that told you to come was it?”

Hearing him refer to Cadence as the young lady makes me laugh. I’m sure after everything she told me about what happened while I was in surgery, he’s got a few other names for her that aren’t quite as polite, but I’m glad he’s choosing not to voice them. I might be doing everything in my power to set things right again with us, but I’m still the same asshole underneath.

You talk shit about my girl and I can’t be held responsible for what happens to you when you’re done.

“Yeah, Caddy told me that you wanted to see me when I was up to it.”

“Good. I’m glad.”

“So why did you want me to come by? I mean you gotta know by now I don’t think I’ll be playing for you again, so not sure what else we might have to talk about.”

“Do you remember what I told you a few weeks back?”

“You said a lot of stuff back then, Coach.”

“You’re an asset to this team. That ringing any bells in your head?”

“Yeah, okay. What about it?”

“I’ve been doing some thinking. Ryder came to me a couple weeks back about what happened with you. He filled me in about Mark and I guess before I get down to the real reason I wanted to see you, I should tell you that he’s been dealt with.”

“Dealt with how?”

“He’s gone. Fired. Out of here. What happened with you, even though it’s on you both, started with him. I think the choices you made were stupid and reckless, but I’m not entirely sure it would have gone down the same way had he not made the options available to you.”

“I’m sorry, Coach. I know you and Mark were close.”

“It’s got nothing to do with how close we were, which considering what he was doing behind my back obviously wasn’t as close as I thought.”

“So what does it gotta do with?”

“Where we go from here. What Mark being gone means for this team.”

This doesn’t make sense to me. He’s not a stupid guy, he can obviously see that I’m wearing the brace and my leg still isn’t one hundred percent, so talking to me about what happens with the team is confusing as hell. It’s got nothing to do with me.

“Not following.”

“Word around the water cooler is, you’ve been changing out your courses, pushing more in the direction of sports medicine now that you’re back. Any truth to that?”

“Yeah. Someone told me I needed to have a fall back option. Figured with everything that happened, now was the time to get on with that. I still don’t know what any of that has to do with this though.”

“I’m gonna level with you, Murphy. Losing Mark is a hit that this team doesn’t need right now. It’s a loss, both personal and otherwise, but I do think there’s a way we can make it right.”

“Okay. How?”

“I’ve talked with the big wigs and if you agree, they’re willing to let me take you on as an assistant coach, while you’re working toward your degree. Not only that, but with as hard a worker as you are, both on and off the damn field, if you don’t mind having a heavier work load, I’d like to look into using you as a trainer too.”

Nah, I can’t be hearing this right. I’ve still gotta be back in bed with Cadence and dreaming. There is no way that I’m sitting here right now having my coach offer me a job. Giving me not one, but two positions that would keep me in the sport when a few weeks ago, I was trying to figure out how to live life without it.

Unbelievable.

“You wanna run that by me again? I don’t think I heard you right. Are you offering me a job?”

“That’s exactly what I’m doing. Now I just gotta know if you’re gonna accept it, so I can get the paperwork train running.”

“There’s gotta be a ton of people more qualified than me to do what you’re asking. Why bother going with me when you can get one of them?”

“Well son, the answer to that is simple. They don’t have the love of the game the way you do. They might have their fancy little diplomas and paper written proof that they’re qualified, but at the end of the day when they go home, they don’t think about the next game or practice the way true lovers of the sport do. And if this team is gonna succeed, that’s the type of person I need.”

“You need a guy with a fucked up knee that got hooked on amphetamines?”

Admitting that I was addicted to the pills isn’t as hard now as it was at first. I can easily see what was going on with me, something that because of taking so many so often, I was blinded to before. The hazy cloud I was living under for weeks, it’s now clear.

I was addicted; an addict, and after talking with Cadence’s therapist Pam, I realize that I’m always going to be one. The way my mother was and judging from the way I’ve seen her around town, still is, should have been the eye opener it was supposed to be and kept me away from the shit completely. But it didn’t and it wasn’t and now that I know I’ve got an addictive personality, I’ve got to be even more guarded when it comes to the situations I find myself in.

Things that could trigger me.

Like football. An addiction that almost cost me everything.

“When you put it like that, no. I don’t need that guy. I need the guy he was before he let himself be seduced by the junk. Your mind, the way you view this sport, it’s that guy that I want and need to be my right hand man. The only thing left to know now is, do you want it?”

This isn’t just some random pity offering. I can tell by the look on his face that he means every word he’s saying. The impression I made on him goes even deeper than just coach to quarterback. He considers me an equal. Even though my reckless actions cost him, he still wants to work with me.

I’m amazed. Blown away.

This is not what I expected when I walked in to meet with him today. A lecture, sure. With the things I did and the way I acted, I deserve that, but a job offering? No way.

“I wanna do it, but since you’re being so straight with me, can I do the same with you?”

“Wouldn’t want it any other way, son. What’s on your mind?”

“This decision, it doesn’t just involve me.”

“You gotta talk to the little woman about it first, do ya?”

If anyone else was standing here and saying it like that, I wouldn’t have wasted any time before taking their head clean off. Referring to Cadence that way, there’s nothing right about it, but this isn’t just anybody. It’s my coach and there’s a look in his eyes that tells me that he gets it.

“Yeah. Since taking a job with you is gonna affect my time with her, my life with her if things work out the way I want them to, but it’s not just that.”

“What else you got?”

“I’m still dealing with things, coming to terms with the shit I did, to my body and the people I care about. The mess of shit that’s been in my head since I was a kid. I need to know that if at some point, I need to walk away from this; the job, you and the team, you’re gonna be alright with that.”

“This about the junk you were taking?”

“Yeah.”

“You do whatever you need to do, when you need to do it. The job remains yours for as long as you want it. Go home, talk to your girl, settle it that way and when you’re ready, let me know one way or the other.”

“Thanks, Coach.”

“And Murphy?” He calls out as soon as I make my way over to the door.

“Yeah?”

“It’s good to have you back.”

Cadence

It’s strange being here without him.

After Dillon got out of the hospital, we seemed to fall into a routine. Even though we didn’t spend every waking moment together, we were together most of time, whether it was me helping him get around the apartment or going to appointments with Pam together. What should have eventually grated on our nerves didn’t seem to. It just became a comfortable routine and one that up until he went to see his coach earlier, I was happy about.

Not knowing what the man might want, and being in the apartment alone, waiting for him to get back in order to tell me, it’s shaking that comfortable routine up and it’s leaving me feel oddly empty.

Dillon’s come so far since that day on the field. He’s taken all the determination and drive he had while playing football and put it into attending meetings because of his addiction and visits to a physical therapist as he attempts to work on getting his knee back in shape. Add that in with the appointments he’s had both with me and alone with Pam and it all adds up to something great.

It wasn’t an easy road. There were a lot of bad days before we started getting to the more stable and happy ones. He fought Ryder tooth and nail in the beginning the same as he did with me because just like I suspected when it happened, he was falling apart after realizing his dream of playing in the CFL was gone.

We’d gotten past the worst of it though and now that he seemed to be in a much better place, the last thing I need is for him to have it all crash and burn because his coach said or did something that set him back.

The fresh start he wants him for himself and for us, I’ll do whatever it takes to make happen. He deserves that and so do I. We’ve been through enough.

“Honey, I’m home!”

Even after having the implants for well over a month, I’m still getting used to way everyone sounds and how some voices and sounds differ from others, but the one sound I’ve definitely allowed myself to grow accustomed to is his. Getting to hear what I can also now see is happiness all over his features as his cheekbones are lifted and he’s smiling so brightly, there’s nothing in the world that compares. It makes me glad that months ago when I made the decision to go through with the surgery, I didn’t back down.

Even if the sound isn’t exactly the same as the way others hear and experience him, it’s still the most beautiful one in the world to me because it’s mine.

Closing the distance between us, he makes his way across the living room until he’s scooping me up into his arms and swinging me around, his happiness infectious but not enough to completely dispel the worry inside me over him putting too much weight on his leg.

Something he must realize as soon as he places me back down on the floor because he leans in and brushes his lips against my forehead gently.

“It’s okay, it didn’t hurt. I swear.”

Not entirely sure I believe him, but not wanting to press him with as happy as he seems, I focus instead on how lit up he looks. After battling the depression, at times wondering if either one of us was strong enough to beat the way it affected us, it’s a nice change of pace to see him smiling again.