Here & Now (25 page)

“What?” he laughs. “Why?”

“I need to know if this is real.”

Oh it’s very real, but I still need to be pinched. I need to know that I’m awake and not dreaming this. I need to know if the sound I hear now is the one matching those perfectly kissable lips that I love so much. I need to know if the laugh I heard, is him laughing and not just my mind playing tricks on me.

He does as I ask and he pinches, but it’s light enough that it doesn’t hurt, and there’s also no denying that I felt it.

This is very real. It’s not a dream.

I can hear.

“What did you want to test?” I ask, turning back to Doctor Williams and watching again as he heads back over to the computer and taps on a few keys. It doesn’t take long before I realize what it is he wants to try.

Exactly what the next sound is going to be.

Music.

He’s playing music and I can hear it. Sure, it’s not the same way I imagine other people hear it, but there’s no mistaking the beat, a dull thump, almost as if he’s playing electronic music.

“Can I make a request?” I ask and he nods. “Would it be too much trouble to play music I actually like?”

Laughter fills the room and it’s loud. All four people in the room, even my silent speech therapist are laughing and the feeling that slammed into me when I heard Dillon speak for the first time, realized it was him that I was hearing even though I’m sure he doesn’t sound quite as grainy as it came out, it’s there again.

It’s happiness, excitement and wonder all mixed together, creating the one thing that a few weeks ago I never believed in.

A miracle.

Dillon

I’ve never been the type to find an electronic device sexy, but the way Cadence looks when we leave the room and I’ve gotten the okay from Sarah to take her back to my place, I swear to god it’s the sexiest damn thing I’ve ever seen.

The one part of her that now that we’re here and she’s kissing me, pushing her body into mine as we make our way down the hall toward my room, that I never want to take off of her because now that it’s there, it’s going to heighten this experience with her even more.

I’m going to make love to my girlfriend and she’s going to hear every sound. Hear me. The sounds I know she’s put together and imagined in her head as many times as I have, but this time able to finally put real sound to, instead of just what she thinks it would sound like.

The way this feels, it’s like I’m under an extreme amount of pressure to perform. Like I’m trying out for the team for the first time and I’ve got to give them everything I’ve got in order to make a lasting first impression. It’s the two of us making love again for the first time even though it actually happened months ago.

It’s a nervousness deep in the pit of my stomach that won’t go away no matter how much I swallow it down. I need to make this moment perfect. Every word, every moan, every damn sound I make from this moment on, I’ve got to make them count because I know she’s going to be able to hear them all.

Hear me when I love her.

Finally getting the jacket free of my arm, I toss it to the floor, pressing my lips back on hers the second I’ve got it off and she wastes no time gripping the ends of my shirt in an attempt to get that off me quickly, again breaking our connection for the briefest of moments so that she can have me clear with nothing standing in our way.

I want to slow this down. Savor this moment. I want to burn it into my brain with a branding iron because just like it was the first time I had this girl underneath me and on top of me, able to feel her in a way that I waited a year to have, it’s going to be ten times more powerful now.

“I love you.” She says, her voice low like usual, but huskier somehow, the heat of the moment obviously as intense for her as it is for me.

“Not nearly as much as I love you, Caddy. It doesn’t even compare.”

She’s not the only one with the heavier tone to her voice. God, this girl. No matter how many times we’ve been in this same situation over the last few weeks, it never ceases to amaze me how easily she takes my breath away. One touch, three simple words and she leaves me completely undone.

Undoing the buttons on her shirt, I don’t dare take my eyes off her face. Her body is beautiful to me, but right now, seeing the desire in her eyes, my own feelings reflected back at me, it’s the only thing I want to see. The way the smile grows the more buttons that release and the way her top lip curls before kissing me again as I unfasten the last button and slide it over her shoulders to the floor.

Our hands, they’re moving with a mind of their own, hers secured around my jeans and mine running over her body, sliding my fingers under the thin straps of her bra as I bring it down over her arms, reaching around her back and breaking her breasts free.

Just the light graze against my skin as she pops the button of my pants drives me crazy. It really is like our first time all over again, the slow burn that just kissing her creates growing with each passing second until I’m threatened to be burned alive by the flames.

Breaking our kiss, she lays her hand on my chest and pushes until she’s gotten what she wants and my body is falling back against the bed. This is another side of her that the first time had taken me completely off guard, but one I’ve come to appreciate almost as much as I do the other parts of her.

When Caddy lets herself go in a moment like this with me, she doesn’t let herself lose control. She takes the control away and just like every other time we’ve been this way, I let her.

Thinking about anything but the way her lips feel on my skin, or the way she sounds when she’s as lost in the moment as I am, is impossible. Even now, in a moment where I want to relish every single thought and feeling I experience with her, I can’t because her lips grazing my bare skin drives not only the temperature of the room up, but my internal body one as well and the only word I can get out in between breathless moans is her name.

“Caddy…”

“Say it again, Dillon.”

I know what she’s after and after a year of hearing each other because of the unique way our hearts connect, I’m not going to waste any time giving it to her.

This moment is different than all the others because now she’s going to hear me loud and clear. Not only through the device attached to her ear transmitting my declarations to her, but in her heart where it matters most.

“You, this, us. It’s everything, Caddy. You’re everything. I love you.”

She sighs softly, burying her face into the side of my neck and just the simple action is enough to shatter me. It doesn’t matter now what we went through before this moment or what we’re going to deal with tomorrow when a new days begins. All that matters is the here and now with her.

Where everything isn’t conflicted or painful or up in the air.

“I love you more, Dill and now it’s my turn to show you how much.”

Cadence

It’s time. I’ve got to do it now.

No more holding back, no more searching for a better time. It’s got to be now or I know it will never come. What I should have said yesterday after Ryder’s visit and again in the car this morning. It’s all got to come out now, even if doing it after what we just shared is the worst timing ever.

“Dill?”

I’ve been watching him for the past few minutes, his eyes closed, features relaxed, completely at peace, the same as me after making love. The tiny smile playing on his lips that makes me wonder if he’s reliving every second of it the same way I’ve done before or if something else is causing him to smile that way.

Truthfully, he’s been smiling ever since my appointment earlier. Since I admitted I could hear what the doctor was saying all anyone has been doing is smiling and even though my mind is clouded and conflicted, it’s impossible not to be a part of that with them.

Hearing for the first time, no one prepares you for that. They can tell you what they hope will happen, how it might appear, but everyone is different, so how they experience it will be different too. For me, I could hear, but the pitch and the grainy sound, almost mechanical in nature means it’s not the way a person who doesn’t have my disability hears things, but still makes me happier than I think I’ve ever been.

The only thing that can remotely compare to it is the way it felt at the ravine with Dillon on prom night, but even that’s not the same.

“Yeah?”

God this is so surreal. I’m still staring at his lips the way I always have, but hearing the sound as they move, I feel like I’m floating. There is definitely nothing that can compare to this. I just wish I didn’t have to taint the way it feels by bringing up something he’s not going to be expecting.

“Can I ask you something?”

Opening his eyes slowly, they turn down until they stop the second they meet mine.

“You’re so beautiful.”

Not the response I was after, but definitely one my heart wants to feed into despite the trouble I’m about to start.

The trouble that wouldn’t even exist if he hadn’t put it in motion and hid it from you.

“I’m sorry. I know that’s not what you asked, but I couldn’t help myself.”

His grin, coupled with the slight blush across his cheeks threatens to break my resolve. It’s as if he knows what’s coming and is doing everything in his power to stop me, which I know is impossible because unless Dillon somehow got superpowers during our time apart earlier this fall, he’s not a mind reader.

He can’t possibly know what’s about to happen.

“Ask me anything, especially if it’s something to do with us repeating the last thirty minutes.”

Before I can protest, give in to the ways my mind is screaming at me, he kisses me again and for a split second, I forget all about what I want to ask, what he’s keeping from me and why it all matters as I just take in the way his lips feels when they’re pressed to mine. How electric it is and how truly alive it makes me feel.

“I’m doing it again. I’m sorry. What did you want to ask?” he starts again and I just sigh.

It’s time.

“That sounds serious, Caddy.” He remarks before sliding his body up on the bed and following him, I slide up to, but in the process separate myself from him. The way I react when we’re touching, if I’m gonna get through this then I need to do it completely separated, which the second my body disconnects from his, he notices as his face turns down in a frown and his eyes go sad.

“Now I’m really worried. What’s going on?”

“How long have you been doing drugs?”

Not the first question I wanted to ask and definitely not the way I wanted it to come out, my own voice reverberating back to me and instantly turning my stomach inside out.

So much for doing this the right way
.
Approaching it in a way that won’t make him get defensive and mean the way I know he can get if he’s pushed or backed into a corner.

“Umm, what?” he asks, his expression giving away nothing but confusion. “I’m not doing drugs.”

“Are you taking amphetamines?”

His body stiffens at my question and his face goes hard, the normal light peach I’m used to now turning pale. Wording it differently means he’s been caught and he knows it.

“Where did you hear that?”

“Are you denying it?”

Eyes lowering again, expression still hard, lips that I love so much straighter then I’ve ever seen them, he’s answering me without words. I hate this. Accusing him, forcing his hand and making him tell me the truth. It’s not supposed to be like this with us.

I know the way Dillon is, the issues he has trusting and caring and how he’s still dealing with everything that both of his parents put him through. I know all of it, but I was the one person he wasn’t like that with. For the last year even when we were miles apart, there wasn’t anything he couldn’t and wouldn’t tell me. Sure, he might not have told me how bad it was for him, us being apart but that made sense to me. It wasn’t as important as something like this.

It’s the things like this he would never have kept from me and yet, that’s exactly what he did and despite how angry I want to be, I’m not. I’m just hurt because there has to be a reason it all changed. I just need to know what it is so I can figure out a way to fix it and change it back.

“It was Kane, right? Asshole found you and couldn’t resist telling you everything could he?”

“This has nothing to do with who told me, Dillon. I know now.”

You can cut the tension between us with a knife. His is feeding into mine and it’s putting me on edge, which if my body looks anything to him like his does to me, is not a good thing.

We went from complete bliss to a nightmare in a matter of seconds.

This would be an awesome time to wake up.

“I’m not mad.” I try and explain, hoping to take some of the edge off. “I just want to you talk to me, Tell me the truth.”

“The truth? Seems like you already have that. You already know what you believe, so why should I bother?”

This is not my boyfriend right now. It’s the guy that for whatever reason thought he wasn’t good enough and started taking something that’s changing him. I need to remember that, but it gets harder to do considering I can hear the edge to his tone now where I couldn’t before.

I’ve never wanted to take back the last couple of weeks more than I do right now. I don’t want to hear Dillon like this. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get it out of my head now that I have.

“That’s not true.”

“Sure it’s not.” He snaps and moving his resting legs out from under my body, where a few seconds before they had been laying comfortably, he slides them out over the side of the bed and he’s bending over and grabbing on the floor for his discarded boxers and jeans.

I really wish I’d never even opened my mouth.

“What are you doing?”

“Getting dressed. What does it look like?”

Again the sharpness and anger comes through and it feels like a hundred tiny knives being shoved straight into my heart. This is killing me, but despite how much pain it’s causing, I can’t stop. I need to know it all. I need him to tell me and most of all, I need to find a way to fix this.

“Please stop.”

“Why should I, huh? You want me to admit that I’ve been taking something because my performance on the field has been shit and I’ve gotta step up my game so the coach doesn’t boot me? Fine!” he turns around and yells. “I’m doing it, alright? Whatever you heard, from whoever told you, it’s all fucking true!”

This is definitely not the Dillon I fell in love with. I don’t know who this monster is right now, but with the rage in his eyes, I don’t think I want to stick around and find out. Maybe getting dressed was the right move after all.