Her Secret Sons (12 page)

“So what I was thinking,” Luke said to Pepper when she joined him in the kitchen thirty minutes later, “is that it still feels like we’re dating, as opposed to married.”

She hesitated, thinking about the recipe she’d studied as hard as any medical journal. “We’ve had a lot to absorb in the few weeks we’ve been married.”

“True.”

He touched the back of her neck as she pretended interest in the dinner he was preparing. She didn’t think she could eat. New bride nerves, she told herself. Marriage wasn’t easy, despite the gang’s help. “When do you leave?”

“Tomorrow.”

Her heart fell, dropping a thousand feet to nowhere. Shocked, she turned to face him, and he moved his hand away. “So soon?”

He nodded. “The general is in Dallas. I’ll go with them, as will Hawk and Jellyfish.”

She sank into a kitchen chair. “I don’t think I completely understand exactly what it is you do.”

“I was in the military for a few years. After high school, when I left here, I did a lot of rolling around. A bit of cowboying, joined the rodeo for a while. I was lucky a lot. What I wasn’t was responsible. I joined the military to have a connection.”

“I didn’t know that,” she murmured.

“My father knows. We argued bitterly about it.” He shrugged. “That doesn’t matter anymore. But at the time, it hurt.”

“I’m sorry,” she murmured.

“Dad always felt that I had an incredibly lucky streak that would one day run out. I did have a lot of good fortune, but a lot of it I made on my own. You don’t cowboy and win unless you work hard. You don’t make good real estate investments unless you study the market—it’s not luck. I worked hard in the military, and when I got out, I had the respect of my superiors, in particular, the general. I’ve stayed with him in a protective capacity, thanks to the skills I acquired.”

“It sounds dangerous.” Her heart sank.

“I like to think of my life as well-rounded.” Luke pulled her toward him, though Pepper tried to shrink away. She’d married him without knowing very much more about him than the boy she’d remembered. Now she knew his world—his job—was inherently dangerous, and she wanted to put her head down and cry.

“It was well-rounded until I married you and became a husband and a father,” he said simply. “Now I feel complete.”

She looked at him. “You aren’t complete, yet.”

“No?” Releasing her hand, he studied her.

“We don’t have a marriage,” she said softly. “We’re married, but we don’t have a
marriage.
Not yet.” She turned away. “I guess there will be time for that when you return.”

“I’m sorry, Pepper.” He stood behind her, holding her arms. “You and the boys…you’re my world now. But I need to finish some things in my old world.”

“I understand. I even admire it.” She took a deep breath. “But that doesn’t mean I have to like it.”

He turned her toward him and kissed her so deeply, so sweetly, that Pepper reached over with one hand, flipped off the oven and walked her husband to their bedroom.

They had no time to lose.

L
UKE WALKED INTO
his sons’ bedroom at four o’clock that morning. The hardest thing in the world was leaving these people. No wonder soldiers joked that if the military wanted you to have a wife, they’d issue you one. This new family he’d been blessed with made it very hard to go. He touched Josh’s hair while he slept and then Toby’s.

Toby sat up, rubbing his eyes. “Hey, Dad.”

Josh sat up, too. “Is it morning?”

“It’s morning,” Luke said, “but not time to get up. I didn’t mean to wake you.” Secretly, he was glad they’d awakened. He’d get one last hug goodbye from his boys.

“Are you going?” Toby asked.

“Yeah.” He hugged his sons. “I’ll be back before school starts.”

“Promise?” Josh demanded. “Remember, you married Mom so that we’d have your name in time for school. But a name isn’t much unless your dad drives you to school on the first day.”

Luke smiled. “I didn’t marry your mom just for that,” he said. “Well, I did, I guess, but that’s not why I’m married to her now.”

Toby sank back against the covers. “We know why you’re married to her now,” he said, yawning.

Luke hesitated, thinking about the passionate encounter he and Pepper had just shared. Very,
very
passionate. “Oh?”

“You like us,” Josh said.

“Yes, I do.” Luke kissed his boys’ foreheads and rose. “Let your mom sleep in if she wants, okay?”

“Sure, Dad,” they said sleepily.

“I’ll be back soon,” Luke told them, his eyes burning with tears he was glad they couldn’t see. “I love you both very much.”

“We love you, too.”

They rolled back over and he slipped out, telling himself he’d accomplished at least one goal: he had a good relationship with his sons, something he’d wanted all his life with his own father.

First day of school: September 1.
It was a date he had etched in his mind.

K
NOWING
L
UKE WAS LEAVING
, and waking up to find him gone and a rose on the pillow beside her, were
two completely different things. Her heart sank even as she took in the romantic gesture. Unable to help herself, she allowed herself a brief moment of tears and some panic. She’d fallen in love with her husband, something she’d never expected—not this type of love. That teenage crush she’d harbored had slowly ripened into a wonderfully delicious love of which she’d only dreamed.

He was right, though, about the separation between them. She’d kept herself aloof mentally, always afraid of being left again.

And now she was. Only this time it was different, she reassured herself. He’d said goodbye. She knew where and why he’d gone.

He’s coming back. He loves his boys.

He’d developed a great relationship with his father. Luke would return for that reason, too.

She got up and dressed, though it was six o’clock in the morning. Patients would arrive at the office around eight-thirty, for which she was thankful. Her work would keep her busy, as it always had.

Realization struck her. If Luke hadn’t left Tulips back then, she might not have become a doctor.
I probably would have never left Tulips, like so many other girls here. I would have stayed, waiting around for Luke to marry me. But we were far too young….

Her education had become her priority. She had a family to raise, and that had given her a mission.

It had all worked out. She knew that now—she’d been just as lucky as Luke.

When he comes back, I’m going to tell him that I
love him. I’m not losing any more precious days without telling my husband that he’s been the love of my life.

T
WO WEEKS LATER
, Pepper woke up nauseated. She’d fixed eggs and bacon for herself and the boys last night after she’d picked them up from the Triple F, where they spent their days while she worked. If they weren’t at the ranch, they were with Luke’s father. This arrangement suited everyone: Duke and Zach felt that they were getting to spend time with their nephews and Bill had a ton of projects he couldn’t wait to do with the boys. Pepper had never seen such a fast turnaround in someone’s life as she had in Bill’s. He literally thrived, spending time with his grandsons.

I’m not thriving at this moment.
She went into the bathroom, uneasy with nerves, but couldn’t shake the nausea. Wondering if the boys were feeling ill, too, she went to check on them. They slept soundly, worn out from the days’ activities. Molly slept at the foot of their beds, a new habit the golden retriever had acquired. It was a short walk for the dog from the jail, where Duke worked, and every day, when the boys got home, Molly was waiting on the porch. Sometimes, when Duke picked the boys up to go to the ranch, Molly hitched a ride out with them and returned at the end of the day. She always seemed to know which days Duke was at the jail and which he spent with the twins, and adjusted her routine accordingly.

The boys were thrilled. They’d never had a dog.

Backing out of their bedroom, Pepper closed the door. The nausea had passed slightly, but she went to the kitchen and grabbed a ginger ale. It was then she noticed her breasts felt slightly tender. With her heart beating a bit more rapidly, she checked the calendar on the kitchen wall.

She was four days late, despite being normally regular.
Stress,
Pepper told herself, but the sinking feeling inside told her something completely different.

Two hours later, after the boys and Molly left with Duke, Pepper hurried to her clinic. She pulled out a pregnancy test she had on hand for patients, telling herself she was making herself crazy for no reason.

The thin blue line that immediately popped up on the test told a different story. Breathless, Pepper sank into a chair.

I’m so happy. I’m so scared!

History was repeating itself. Once again, Luke was gone—and once again, she was pregnant.

Disbelief washed over her before delight took hold. This time, she was married. This time they would share the joys of pregnancy.

Not share.
It wasn’t as if she could call him, and even if she could, she wasn’t sure she would. She didn’t want him worrying about her.

Of course, not telling him about her previous pregnancy had put a dent in his trust of her. The omission had started their marriage at a deficit. The one thing he’d asked of her was not to keep things from him anymore.

But this… She couldn’t tell him. Not now.

Anything could happen.

She wanted his mind on his job. It was his last one, he’d said, of the bodyguard variety.

Then he’d be all hers, and the boys’ and the new baby’s. They’d start over as a family.

This time, it would all work out.

The doctor in her noted her rapid pulse and flushed skin. All the years of worry and struggle, when she’d faced raising children alone, rose to taunt her.

It would all work out. It had to.

Luke was a man of his word.

Pepper kept her news to herself for another two weeks. Though her body was giving her clues, she wanted confirmation that she wasn’t imagining her pregnancy.

She took another pregnancy test, which only confirmed that she hadn’t dreamed the baby into existence.

Dreaming it wasn’t so far-fetched. Over the two weeks she’d given herself to take in everything that had happened between her and Luke, she’d realized she wanted more children. Now that she was married to the father of her twins, having another child had become a fantasy for their future together.

She hadn’t expected the fantasy this soon. Yet her surprise turned to joy, tinged only by regret at Luke’s absence.

The one dilemma was that she couldn’t share the good news with him, she thought wistfully. Pepper prayed he would come home safely so they could share the magic of pregnancy together.

She didn’t want to think what she would do if he didn’t—couldn’t—come home for the first day of the
boys’ school, as he’d planned. The possibility was enough to wake her up in the middle of the night.

He’d said he would call her when they got to certain areas he would deem safe.
I can tell him when he calls,
she assured herself, staring anxiously up at the ceiling. And she then realized in the next thundering heartbeat that she couldn’t. She didn’t want his attention diverted from the job he wanted to finish.

But was she making the correct decision this time? He’d been very angry when he learned she’d never told him about the twins.

“This time I’ll still be pregnant when he comes home,” she told his father as they sat outside his house, watching the boys play with the radio-controlled planes Luke had given them. “It’s a different situation this time.”

Bill scratched his head, pondering that. “It is different. I don’t know how to change it. Still, I’m sure he’d want to know.”

They sat quietly in the gathering twilight. Pepper had decided it was wise to tell the person closest to Luke, who knew him best—despite their years of bitterness—about the expected addition to the McGarrett clan. “It’s only a couple of months,” she murmured. “I don’t want to jeopardize anything he’s doing.”

“I know.” Bill thought about that. “Even if we sent a message, I don’t know that it would get through.”

“That’s true.”

“Do the boys know?”

She shook her head. “I’ve told no one except you. You’re Luke’s closest relation. I could tell the twins, but I feel like he should be with me when we tell them.” The whole thing was out of order, and not the way she’d dreamed their future would unfold. “It’s too soon.”

“Don’t say that, gal. Everything happens for a reason. I, for one, am delighted to have another grandchild on the way. Bet this one’s a girl,” he said happily. “I can just feel it.”

She smiled. “Toby and Josh would love a little sister. But they’d love a little brother, just as well.” Pepper herself couldn’t help dreaming of pink onesies, pink blankets, a white crib with lots of lace and frills.

“Luke’s going to be the happiest man on the planet,” his father said. “I can’t help you with advice about when to tell him, though. He’d want to come home if he knew you were pregnant, but he wouldn’t leave this assignment. It’s highly classified,” Bill admitted.

“Dangerous?” Her heart started slowly sinking at the ominous words. Luke had made it sound like he was just doing a favor for an old friend and employer.

“We won’t think about those things, Pepper,” Bill said softly. “We’ll think about how wonderful it is to be expecting a baby.”

She shook her head, her physician’s soul weighing the information she was receiving.

“You might go ahead and tell the gang,” Bill suggested. “You’d have the ladies to help you this time.”

Pepper nodded, but the truth was beginning to hit her. Luke might not come back for a long, long time. She’d never felt so helpless in her life and the worst part was that she hadn’t once told him she loved him. Insecurity had kept her silent.

It was a bitter lesson to learn.

P
ANSY AND
H
ELEN SQUEALED
with joy when Pepper told them about the baby.

“This is wonderful news!” Pansy said. “I bet Luke is thrilled!”

“I haven’t told him,” Pepper admitted, “but I have told his father.”

“You haven’t heard from Luke?” Helen asked.

“No.” She tried to make her reply breezy, as if she was doing fine in spite of the lack of communication. “But I called Aunt Jerry, and she’s ready to move down here. She says she misses us and she won’t miss the cold at all. The boys are so excited—that news just about makes their world perfect. Holt says he’s got the perfect house close by us for Aunt Jerry. It couldn’t be more perfect.”

The chatty front was getting on her nerves, but Pepper didn’t know what else to do but put on a brave face.

Helen and Pansy looked at her with some dismay. “So you didn’t really have time to put the recipe to work,” Helen said.

Pepper shook her head, feeling that lack poignantly. “When Luke comes home, we’ll have plenty of time to become close.” Her statement sounded so
empty and worried that she smiled to cover that fact. “I’m taking up knitting.”

“Knitting?” Pansy’s lips quivered as if she might cry. “Booties?”

“Wouldn’t that be nice?” Pepper said brightly. “When I get beyond the basics, that is.”

The ladies looked worried. “Well,” Helen said, “men are mysterious beings. That’s all I know, I guess.”

“We never knew much,” Pansy admitted, “we just tried to act like we did in case it helped. Guess we didn’t help you as much as we wanted to.”

“Maybe it all started badly. Maybe my mistake was beginning my marriage with a lie.” Pepper shook her head. “My bigger mistake was not being honest when I had the chance. Falling in love with Luke scared me so much. I kept thinking that if I was scared, something must be wrong. The only thing that was wrong was me, I suppose.”

Helen shook her head. “If perfect relationships exist, I sure don’t know about them. Marriage is about forgiving the small things. I’m certain Luke had forgiven you, Pepper.”

“And I know he loves you,” Pansy declared.

The thought cheered Pepper immensely. “I hope so,” she murmured. “When I think about the dreams I’ve had in my life, Luke loving me would certainly be one come true.”

Something was nagging at her, though, a worry she couldn’t quite pin down. “I feel as though history is repeating itself and that I’m making the same
mistake again. It’s not practical, but I feel like I should at least make the effort to get word to Luke about the baby.” Pepper had thought this through a hundred times, and each time, common sense told her it was best to tell him when he returned.

But her heart told her that Luke would want to know about the baby as soon as possible. “So he’d know I really want him in my life,” she murmured, and the ladies perked up.

“You do, don’t you, Pepper?” Pansy asked.

“I do. So much that it hurts. I held back because of trust issues, but I needed to learn to trust myself the most.” Pepper took a deep breath and gazed at her friends. “I’ll figure this out. I’ll make the right decision.”

“Like you always have,” Pansy said supportively. Helen nodded, patting Pepper’s arm.

Pepper smiled, feeling their love and their belief in her. No matter what, she was going to make her marriage work.

And yet despite her best efforts, Pepper knew she wouldn’t tell Luke. She was afraid of endangering his mission, that was true, but a deep, troubled part of her wanted to know that he would actually come home to her. Not just because of Josh and Toby, but come home to her and the marriage they hadn’t really started off with romance and hopes of fairy tale, happy endings.

O
N
A
UGUST
31, after Pepper had laid out Toby and Josh’s new school clothes and school supplies for the
next day, she faced the fact that she had to tell her sons their father wouldn’t be home in time for their first day of school. She hadn’t heard from Luke, and neither had his father. It was as if he’d disappeared off the face of the earth. The boys’ hearts would be broken, and she didn’t know what to say to them to make it better, except that their dad would be here if he could.

Pepper was beginning to show. She’d finally sat down and told the boys, realizing she had to do it before they found out at school, from friends who’d overheard their well-meaning mothers talking. Though Pepper wore dresses to minimize her condition, this time she’d started showing a lot earlier.

Toby and Josh were ecstatic. They wanted the baby to arrive in time for Christmas. Pepper had told them the newborn would most likely be born in March, which had taken some of the edge off their excitement.

They were tired of waiting for everything, Toby complained, and Pepper knew he meant his father’s promised return home for the first day of school.

She didn’t let herself think about how, when Luke saw her again, she’d seem awfully out of shape compared to the tiny blondes in bikinis he’d been guarding.
I just want him home safe. Healthy. Mine.

God, she just wanted him home with her, so she could touch him and hold him. So they could play with the boys, and visit with Bill and let Molly break the rules about dogs on the sofa.

“Mom?” Toby said, coming into the kitchen, where she sat staring into a cup of herbal tea. “Have you heard from Dad?”

She put on a brave face for the boys. “Not yet.”

Josh sat down and stared at her. “Mom, he’s not coming back.”

Chills ran through her. “What makes you say that?”

“He’s just not,” Toby said with certainty. “We asked Grandpa where Dad was, and even he doesn’t know. It’s just like before. We might as well have never known we had a father.”

Tears pressed at her eyes but she refused to give in to the same worry. Right now, her boys needed to feel her strength. “I believe he’s coming,” she said steadfastly, her voice firm. “I’m never going to believe anything else.”

“There’s about twelve hours until school starts. He’s not coming,” Josh said, and for the first time, she heard a note of despair in his young voice.

“He will if he can.”

Toby and Josh looked at her, their spirits low. She didn’t know what to say to make it better, and she had doubts of her own, so she tucked the boys in bed, sitting in their room until they fell asleep.

Outside the window, she could see the moon rising high in the sky, like a guiding light.
He would have come back if he’d wanted to,
Pepper thought, and suddenly, she realized she couldn’t be married for the sake of the children anymore.

An absent husband did not a marriage make, especially a marriage that had been planned from the beginning to be in name only.