Her Love Ran Crimson (Crimson Series) (18 page)

I decide to go to the park since the sun hasn’t set yet. I can clean my face up in one of the bathrooms. If I go home with blood all over my face Frank will think I did something wrong when I delivered the package to Dixon and this was the repercussion and add more punishment. He never hears me out and I can’t even be honest right now.

My whole life is one big clusterfuck. I just keep repeating in my head at there is less than one month until graduation and my birthday. Maybe then I will be strong enough to start over and make a life for myself. I need to figure out a place to go. No one will know me since my mom gave me a different name to live by. I know Frank will never stop coming after me and sending his people to try and find me.

As I sit motionless at the park, staring at the rocks I once climbed with Jase I’m sad that I can’t feel anything. My phone has been going off every second. So far I have twenty three missed calls from Jase and fifteen text messages. I refuse to read them. I just keep hitting ignore every time he calls. I keep going over what happened in my head. How did I not immediately know those eyes? The same eyes I used to look at every day that became my solace. I should have figured it out when Phillip was at my school. I’m just so stupid, stupid to think I would ever have a happily ever after. That anybody would want this vile piece of trash I have become.

After I have had enough staring at these stupid rocks that use to mean something to me I make one more stop in the bathroom to wet my face hoping the coolness from the water will dissipate the feelings I have for Jase and make it easier to move on. I just keep telling myself I am a fighter and I can do this. I’m not one for believing in myself, but I need to at this point to survive and make it out alive. I will push through this last month and graduate and find somewhere I can finally call home.

After I pull up to the house, I sit in the car a little longer than normal. I check out my reflection in the mirror. My nose is starting to pound with pain and I am thankful I didn’t take all my pain pills from my chin. I plan on taking some tonight to become lucid to my thoughts that might haunt me in my dreams. Once I figure there is nothing I can do to make me look any better and the purple bruising on my nose is not going away but just coming in deeper, I grab my bag and go inside.

Once I am about to go into my room I hear Frank call out.

“Maddie, is that you?”

Like he doesn’t know it’s me. Who the else would come in this house? The twenty locks I have to unlock just to get it inside ensures that nobody could enter without a key, let alone the whole surveillance system that he has because he is one paranoid piece of shit. I wish I could just disable it and leave the front door wide open to people.

I’m trying to keep my anger under control, but in my head this is all his fault. I want to yell at him and tell him everything he has done to mess up my life. Fact of the matter is, he wouldn’t care. He doesn’t ever think about anybody else, so my life being a disaster would only make him happy. “Yeah, it’s me. We got done early, so I came home. I’m heading to bed.”

“You got the package to Dixon?”

Shit, does he think I’m that stupid to not do what I’m told? “Of course I did, Frank. You know I did. I’m sure you had Dixon call you the second it got to him.” I start cursing him under my breath.

“Well, he told me you never showed up.”

Shit! That is just great. What the fuck do I do now? “Frank, I promise you I delivered that package to him. He came out to my car before I could even get out of it. I handed him the package. I swear to God, Frank, he got the package,” I say as fear is building up. I don’t know why he would say he didn’t get it. Then it dawns on me. This is his pay back for Frank screwing him over. I don’t know what was in that box, I thought it was a gun, but now I’m not sure. It had to be something important for Dixon to do this. I knew him coming back wasn’t good. I knew something was going to happen. The sudden roar that comes out of Frank is followed by glass crashing to the floor. I jump at the sound and run to get the broom and dust pan to clean it up. I don’t know what is about to happen but I can only imagine. More bloodshed, more violence. There isn’t anything that I can do to stop this.

I hear Frank go to his room and slam the door and loudly start talking on his phone. I hear him say Phillip and I know things are bad. I pray he doesn’t tell him I was at Jase’s house tonight. That will just make things worse. I clean up the mess swiftly and run to my room and hide. I grab the bottle of pills I stashed in my top drawer of my dresser and take two. I am not leaving my room unless it’s necessary until Monday for school. I don’t want to be anywhere near Frank or what is going to go down. My room has always felt safe even though it is Frank’s house; there are just some things in here that comfort me. My blanket that I keep hidden under my pillow has always been with me, and my pictures.

I start to feel the effects of the pain pills slowly easing into my veins taking the edge off. I relax a bit from the situation with Frank and Dixon. I can’t seem to shake the visions of Jase and his dad out of my head. I am pissed off at myself for being so trusting and for not putting the two together. If my head wasn’t so jaded from the impact of Jase this wouldn’t have happened I’m always the one who is aware of things going on around me. How do you think I haven’t been caught being a runner for Frank? So this just boggles my mind. I mean, the eyes were almost completely identical. They have the same facial structure.

A lone tear escapes my eye and falls down my face. I wipe it off forcefully, mad that I let myself get this invested in someone only to be let down again. His dad is vile to me. He could have done the right thing for my mom and me. He could have never taken money and turned shady. He is paid to fight for justice for the ones who have are the victims. Then to turn his head at the unthinkable things Dixon did to a minor is just wrong. How could I ever trust Jase is not like his father? In a way, I’m glad I found out now before I got too deep into this. But man, I wish it was him who told me, not me walking in on them. I have seen him on the phone with his dad. I saw how much anger filled him during those conversations. I wonder what was said during those conversations. Did he ever tell is dad about me? I think maybe that is why Dixon always seemed to pop up where we were. Like his dad was leaking information to Frank, the stepfucker.

I crawl up to my pillows, tired of thinking about this and everything. Tired of feeling bad for things that have happened to me. I just want this life gone. Just thinking about it has me crying hard. I turn my head and smash my face into my pillow to muffle my cries, scared if I’m heard it will just make things worse. I have no clue what time it is and don’t feel like turning my phone on to check. After the flood of phone calls and messages I shut it off and threw it in my bag. I’m home now and there’s nobody who would call me other than him. I lie here hoping sleep will come take me away and I can think about the happier times before this evening or possibly even wake up and have this whole night be a nightmare that never took place.

****

I wake the next day and the first thing I do is touch my nose to see if it was all just a horrible nightmare. The pain shoots through to the tip of my nose, confirming it wasn’t a dream. I jump up in a panic, wondering how my nose looks, and run to my mirror. I slowly look up and examine the damage. My nose is not so much bruised except tiny rings of purple under my eyes. I curse under my breath knowing this will only get worse with time. It doesn’t seem to matter when I remember running from Jase. This seems far less than my other problems. I have to try and figure out, without directly asking Frank, what is going on. I know I told myself I would stay in my room, but I can’t figure things out in here, maybe if I hang around the kitchen I might over hear him on the phone or he might get desperate enough to talk to me about it. I’m almost positive that things are already going down and I have to take extra precautions while traveling to and from school. I’m sure he won’t send me out to deliver things if he thinks Dixon is calculating some sort of revenge. At least I hope.

I fight the urge to turn my phone on, not being able to take much more disappointment. I know it will be hard to go to school and act as if I don’t know who Jase is. I know I can’t even have a conversation with him or I might submit to his lies and not be able to stay away. This is the cat and mouse game that has been going on for a while with us until I caved and listened to my heart. I have to use my head more than ever now. I need to just keep repeating to myself that there’s just a couple of more weeks. I have to get through graduation, then my birthday the next day, and then goodbye shit hole valley. I will never look back. I have to start planning what and where I'm going. I know I need to turn my phone on since I don’t have a computer to use, to formulate my plans.

First though, I’m going to the kitchen to try and sneak around for some answers to see how much danger I’m really in. Once I reach the kitchen, it’s completely silent. I pretend to clean up things and do things that don’t make me look suspicious. After thirty minutes and not a step closer to figuring out what is going on, I head back to my room to do some reading. I know things will start to pop up in due time. I open my top drawer to retrieve my pain pills and wash them down praying the pills will hurry up and make me feel numb and take this ache in my chest away.

Once I start feeling a little less stressed as the numbness starts to seep into my body, I decide it’s time to turn on my phone. I hold it in my hand, turning it over and over stalling, but knowing that is the only way I can start the search of my new place I’m desperate to call home. There is no part of me that wants to read all the messages and hear all the voicemails that have been left. I know he will be begging and pleading for me to listen to him. To trust him. As if he didn’t break every bit of trust I ever had with him. I know his words will break me down. I choose not to hear him out. Not to let him explain anything to me. Nothing will make it better. Nothing can heal the huge gaping hole that he left in my heart. I am afraid that hearing his voice will make all those visions of last night vividly flash through my head again. Sleeping last night was hard enough. Tossing and turning all night every time I thought about him. Thinking about how everything was so perfect, but like a bulldozer coming through he has trashed everything. Left nothing repairable. I force my thoughts to think about something else before I start to cry again.

I ignore all the messages and open up my browser. I don’t even have the slightest clue what to search for to find a new place for me. I have no family or friends, so there is no one to move close to. The last time I ever heard from my grandmother was when she told my mother if she married Frank she would not support it and wouldn’t have any part in our life and the horrible decision she was making. Since then I have never even heard her name spoken again. The sad part is, she was right. If my mother wasn’t so head strong we might never have been here. It’s stupid to think of what-if because I can’t change it. I just have to learn from it now. I stare at my screen hoping something will come to mind and give me something to search. One thing’s for sure I know it has to be far away.

Chapter
Twenty-Two

The weekend has passed without any explosions or blowups, so I figure I can at least go to school and try to get my mind off the situation at the house. But I’m not at all at ease about seeing Jase for the first time. The thick skin I had before has become even thicker this weekend, with constant reminders of what happened and how betrayed I feel. Giving Jase the cold shoulder will be the least of my worries. I hope. I’m probably delusional knowing the effect he has on me. If I want to get out of here it’s crucial I learn to be level headed around him, something I have never been, but know I have to now.

I make sure I get to school later than normal. I might have to get a late pass, but that doesn’t seem to matter. I just couldn’t face seeing him in the parking lot, knowing he is waiting for me there to try and make me understand something I have no energy for. I have to try and push this off as long as possible. Maybe coming here wasn’t the best decision. I don’t know how I’m even going to sit in class with him.

The ache in my chest feels like tiny shards of glass shooting through my heart, like I’m bleeding and there is nothing I can do to stop it until I bleed to death. I feel claustrophobic getting closer to the room. My pulse is increasing, feeling like I’m going to explode if I can’t get more oxygen to my already burning lungs. The adrenalin pumping through my veins is making me shake without any way of controlling it. Feeling lightheaded, I take a second to get my nerves under control. I put my hand against the wall to support me as I bend down trying to get my racing heart under control. The second I stand up straight I feel like I am seeing stars and quickly sink to the floor and land with a thump on my butt. I lean my head back pressing my head against the cool metal locker hoping the coolness will help the growing heat my body is feeling. I’m not sure if it’s because I haven’t eaten much of anything since Friday, mixed with the combination of pain pills, but I don’t even have the strength to stand anymore. Knowing I need to get up before someone finds me just sitting out here in the hall, I take another couple seconds before I get up and have to come face to face with the one who broke my heart. I don’t know why I thought this would be so easy for me. I just can’t seem to push through. I didn’t even grab anything to snack on before I left. I might just cut out at noon today and go home to wallow in my pity.

Grabbing every bit of strength I have left, I slowly get up not wanting a head rush and make my way to class. Once I get there it takes me a second to knock on the door, feeling like I’m going to breakdown in sobs when I see him. I guess I never really took the time to realize how much he meant to me. I knew I had deep feelings and I depended on him to help fight faceless demons. Trying to have someone remove deeps scars are impossible. They will always be there. I just need to learn how to accept them and use them as stepping stones to get to a place where I feel comfortable.