Her (49 page)

Dr. Pelchat had begun to talk about the issue of my diagnosis and what it meant. He’d talked about weekly therapy sessions with me, and had suggested that we have an occasional family session. He was particularly interested in Nicholas, and how he was affected by what I had done, because he was the one who’d found me. Nick had a therapist that he saw regularly, up until about a year ago, when his years of intense therapy had been lifted. It wasn’t so intense anymore. He didn’t have to go once a week anymore. They had reduced it to once a month. Then he was down to just once every three months.

Dr. Pelchat had been pleased to hear that Nick was healing from what Jack had done to him. It was tough. Dr. Pelchat had empathized, to have it happen to him by his own father. Alison had shed a tear or two, but I could tell that she didn’t really understand. All she knew was that her brother and big sister had been hurt, and her whole life was affected by it. She’d opened up to Dr. Pelchat by saying that she missed Jack. She hadn’t seen him in the years since he'd been put away, and she had hoped that she would get to see him again soon. Mom had stopped her from saying too much with a hard squeeze that I’d noticed, and Dr. Pelchat hadn’t. Mom was probably afraid Alison would’ve said something about Jack’s parole hearing. Then we would have gotten into the deeper issue. She wasn’t ready for that yet.

Dr. Pelchat had asked Mom if she had any regrets. Mom had said that her regret wasn’t marrying Jack, nor was it moving from California, or having the twins or me. She’d said that her regret was not listening to me when I was trying to tell her, and not seeing that it wasn’t just Nick who needed help, but that it was all of us, especially me.

“I didn’t know that she was in so much pain,” Mom had said. “And I didn’t know that she was so depressed that she’d want to do something so harmful to herself.” Mom had gone on about how much she loved me. She’d said that if I ever felt depressed like that again, she wanted me to go to her. She wanted me to talk to her instead of cutting.

That’s when Dr. Pelchat had asked me if that was something that I could do. He’d put me on the spot, wanting me to answer that kind of question right away.

Could I really try to go to Mom to talk to her when I felt depressed? Would she be able to handle it without getting angry with me for being this way?

I’d told Dr. Pelchat that I would try.

Then he’d made me promise. I’d had to look my mother in the eyes and promise her that I would talk to her when I got depressed and if I felt suicidal again. When I’d promised this, I’d wanted to see how she’d react. She’d kept a straight face as she’d nodded and smiled with no tears in her eyes, and millions of them had fallen out of mine.

I’d wanted to believe that I could go to her if I needed to. I’d wanted to talk about Jack and his parole hearing, but there had not been enough time. We didn’t get to talk about what had really made me do what I’d done. We hadn’t talked about what I’d seen that had drawn me to the pills in the first place.

Dr. Pelchat knew that I was depressed, and so did Mom, Alison, and Nick. I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. My treatment and moving forward towards the future was what was supposed to be most important.

Dr. Pelchat had said, “We can’t just get everything out and fix it in one session. It’s going to take some time, just like it did with Nick.”

Dr. Pelchat had asked me a question when we were near the end of the session. Tears had dried up. Smiles had been back on our faces. Alison and Nick had been laughing again, and Mom had looked relieved. She’d seemed relieved to see that I was doing better, and she had probably been even more relieved when Dr. Pelchat had said that our session time was up.

Before we’d gotten up to leave he’d said, “I have just one more question that I want to ask Kristen while all of you are here.”

“Yes, Dr. Pelchat?” I had asked.

Dr. Pelchat had asked, “Do you think that you are ready to go home?”

I rolled over and lay on my side on the bed to face away from Mena. I had Janine’s blanket wrapped around me, and I pulled my pillow close. With tears dripping from my eyes, I placed my head down on the pillow gently so that my head wouldn’t hurt worse than it already did.

Mena heard me crying. She said, “What’s wrong?”

I looked up and saw Mr. Sharp. He was sitting on the edge of the night table, next to the lamp, sparkling in the beautiful butterfly wings. My vision blurred because of the tears. I felt almost helpless. I was never going to be better if I couldn’t get everything out that was killing me inside. Mr. Sharp stuck out of the butterfly pendant towards me. I didn’t want to get it out like that anymore.

“Go away,” I told him.

“Fine,” Mena said. “It’s almost dinnertime.” Mena got up off my bed and stormed away, leaving me in the room by myself.

I didn’t bother to tell her that I wasn’t talking to her. It wouldn’t have made sense to her without me having to explain it all. I didn’t have the strength.

CHAPTER 52

I didn’t go to breakfast on Sunday morning, after the nurse helped me clean up and after my final examination with her. I didn’t even bother to say goodbye to Tai or Mena. They were all gone to Group Therapy after breakfast. I stayed behind to pack the last of my belongings into my suitcases. I finished packing and looked around one last time at the room, just to make sure I wasn’t forgetting anything. All that was left were the two folded blankets and Dr. Pelchat’s book on Borderline Personality Disorder that I had to return to him.

I grabbed Janine’s blanket and sat it on top of my suitcase. Then, as I picked up my own blanket, I looked over at Mena’s bed. It was neatly made, with the thin, white blanket spread across the top. I remembered my first night in Bent Creek. How cold I was. Then I thought of when I had first met Mena. I didn’t think that I could get along with her. She wasn’t as mean as I had thought her to be. She was frustrated and depressed, like all of us at Bent Creek. She just showed her depression differently. I was glad that I had met her and had gotten to know her.

When I lay my own blanket out on Mena’s bed, I made sure to spread it neatly so that it would cover the thin, white blanket. I folded the corners and tucked the ends so that she would know that I left it for her intentionally. I did not want there to be any mistake.

When I was almost finished, Geoffrey came into the room quietly. He had been so quiet that I didn’t realize he was there until he spoke. “Kristen, Dr. Pelchat is ready to see you.”

“Okay,” I said. I started to grab my bags and Janine’s blanket.

“You can leave that there,” Geoffrey said. “I will make sure that your ride gets your bags when they arrive. Dr. Pelchat wants to meet with you before you leave. Come with me.”

I left my bags and Janine’s blanket behind so that Geoffrey could take care of them. Then, I grabbed Dr. Pelchat’s book and followed Geoffrey out the door. As we walked, Geoffrey seemed to have something on his mind that he wanted to say, because he kept looking over at me. Before things became awkward, I spoke up.

“I can’t believe today is my last day,” I told him.

He smiled and sighed heavily. “It’s a good thing,” he said.

“I think so,” I agreed. “Good luck with becoming a doctor.”

We stopped in front of Dr. Pelchat’s office, and Geoffrey placed a hand on my shoulder. He kept that warm smile on his face and he said, “Thank you, Kristen. Listen, right now it may seem like it’s hard to leave Bent Creek, but I know that you will be all right.”

“It’s not that hard,” I told him.

He laughed. “Okay. I know that some people usually have a hard time leaving, but maybe you are different. But, just in case it doesn’t hit you until you are out of here, keep in mind that you have made great progress. You’ve come a long way. I see a real difference in you since the first time I saw you.”

His smile and mine were genuine. His words really meant something to me. “Do you really see a difference?” I asked. “I mean a
real
difference?”

“Yes,” he assured me. “It is a
real
difference. But there’s one thing that hasn’t changed, and I don’t think you should ever change.”

I waited.

“You really are an awesome person. Don’t you ever forget it. No matter what you decide to do with yourself after you graduate, know that you are awesome.”

I felt a tear shoot out of my eye. Geoffrey blushed when he saw me crying. I wiped my tear away and wanted to hug him badly, but I held myself back. I thanked him as he began to walk away. He waved at me, and I waved back. He strolled down the hall and left me outside of Dr. Pelchat’s office, wondering.

When Geoffrey disappeared around the corner of the hall, I turned to face the door. I took a deep breath and entered without knocking. Dr. Pelchat was sitting at his desk with my chart open, writing. He looked up at me as I entered, and a huge, jolly smile appeared on his face. He seemed excited to see me.

“How are you feeling today, Kristen?”

His smile made me smile. I said, “I’m good. How are you?”

He took a deep, happy breath and sighed calmly. With the smile still stuck to his face, he said, “I’m feeling wonderful today. Thanks for asking.”

“Me too. Thank you for letting me borrow this,” I said as I sat his book on top of his desk. When I sat the book down, a folded sheet of paper slipped out. I snatched the paper from the desk and slipped it into the pocket of my jeans. Dr. Pelchat took his book with gratitude.

“Oh, thanks. You remembered to return it to me. Most of my patients leave with the books I let them borrow. Speaking of leaving, are you ready?”

“I’m all packed.”

“I’m sure you are,” he laughed.

I had never seen him so ecstatic.

“I do believe that you have outstayed your welcome here at Bent Creek,” he laughed on.

I laughed with him. His happiness was contagious. Dr. Pelchat’s chubby cheeks turned red as he laughed. It was nice watching him. I began to think about when I had first seen him while Geoffrey and I had been talking at the table. I’d had no idea who this man was. Then, when I had sat in on his group for the first time, he had really come down on me hard about learning about what medications I was taking. I’d thought he was going to be a mean, old man, but I had been wrong. He was a very caring and compassionate doctor. He was the best doctor I had ever had.

Dr. Pelchat stopped laughing and he looked at me. I hadn’t realized that I’d rolled up my sleeves. His smile disappeared. “Kristen, what is that?” He pointed to my arms.

I looked down and saw the red wound that was only just beginning to heal. It had a scab, but it was obvious because of the redness. I quickly pulled my sleeves back down on both arms.

“No,” Dr. Pelchat said. “Don’t do that. Roll them back up.”

Sadly, I rolled my sleeves back up to my elbows.

“Hold them out,” he said. His stern demeanor was returning to normal. Jolly Dr. Pelchat went back to wherever he'd been hiding.

I held my arms out, revealing my scars, my stitched wrists, and the recent cut that I was trying to hide from him.

“Why, Kristen?”

“I don’t know,” I said.

“You don’t know,” he said sternly.

“I mean, I did it because,” I forced it out. “I did it because I felt that he was the only one I could run to.  But, I know now that I can come to you, and I know that I can talk to Mom. I don’t want to run to Mr. Sharp when I feel that I can’t deal anymore. I want to be able to talk to Mom, and I want to be able to write out my feelings the way I used to. I don’t want to cut anymore. And I don’t want to be a loser. I don’t! I really don’t!”

Dr. Pelchat remained silent. He stared, and it didn’t bother me that he was staring at me, because I knew that he was empathizing with me. He wanted to see if I was being sincere. I was sincere, and I meant every word I said when I said it. I wasn’t going to stop there.

“You may be wondering who
he
is,” I said. “This is probably not a good time to throw all of this on you, because this is my last day in Bent Creek. But I keep this sharp butterfly with me.” I reached into the pocket of my jeans and pulled out the pendant. I held it out in my hand so that Dr. Pelchat could see before I returned it to my pocket. His eyes followed in what looked like disbelief.

“That’s Mr. Sharp. He lives in everything that is sharp. I call him Mr. Sharp because he’s always helped me through this way. He would listen to me, comfort me, and help me breathe when things got too suffocating. It felt like this was the only way. Now I know that it’s not. I know that I can do it without him. And I have to live without doing these things. I have to be able to deal without hurting myself. Dr. Cuvo was right. I don’t deserve this, and what I did to myself was a terrible thing. When I saw how angry and hurt Nick was, and how much Alison missed me, I knew that what I had done was terrible, and I don’t ever want to do it again. I want my little brother and little sister to learn the right thing to do from me, because I’m their big sister and I don’t want to fail them. I can’t fail, Dr. Pelchat. I can’t fail this time.”