Authors: Ron Dakron
A NOVEL BY
THREE ROOMS PRESS
a novel by Ron Dakron
Copyright Â© 2014 by Ron Dakron
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the publisher, except by a reviewer, who may quote brief passages in a review. For permissions, please write to address below or email
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New York, NY 10012.
Library of Congress Control Number: 2014937997
Cover and interior design:
KG Design International
Three Rooms Press
New York, NY
Special thanks to Peter and Kat for their humor and bravery
More matter with less art.
For smile hot, sleek mind creamy funâHello Julia!
/ 1 /
Join our chocolate sugar orgasm! Why notâit's your creamy life! And life's pretty much a B-movieâthe director's unknown, the plot reeks, the colors are dead wrong, the costumes blow chunks, the extras are always bitching, the scenery's cheap and cheesyâplus the actors suck! They never get their lines right. “Goodbye Devilfish!” Squidra snarls as eeek, her wet mega-tentacles slash through beer smog,
duhn duhn duhhhhh
âshe's cock-blocked me! With her icky squid headâthing looks like a pink turd with fins. Nothing a barroom cue stick won't fix, mwah ha haâHello Devilfish! As I snap one in two and kung-fu jab that splintered wood at her flaring gills. No go, broâthat cue melts like a bee's spine under Squidra's damp bulk while her toxic tentacles whiz closer, making this
Doppler Wurlitzer soundâyikes! No chocolate sugar orgasm for
him, Squidra-san!” some slag cheers along with all the other slobs in here, this drunky airport lounge chocked with baggage manglers and sloshed captains and Yakuza humpsâyeah, yeah, they all got souls and momsâso what? Lot of good that does meâthey're all rooting for Squidra! Who yells “Die, sucka!” and hurls a Sapporo keg at me. “Baby,” I wipe spattering brewski off, “what hap- pened to our
“Love? Love is a fucktard's gameâHello Devilfish!” Squidra quotes that clichÃ©'s sourceâmeaning me! 'Cause guess who's the doofus that promised her loveâmeaning this humungoid squid dripping snot and terror for my tired sex joy. “Nooky is for suckers, right?” Squidra snarlsâhey, I never said she was subtleâlove's her answer for everything. That and her horrid bulkâa steroid-fed, ten-story pink cuttlefish out to
me. As I sneak past a vodka poster plastered with tits and lies till Squidra smacks a barstool at my ankles, ow. Did I mention she's also wearing a painter's tarp as a wedding veil? “Where you going, coward?” she rises like a raped wave, like frozen smoke, like fire in a moth's dreamâand aims a jukebox at my head. “Sweetie,” I duck roaring steel, “we need to
“Dream on, Mr. Useless,” Squidra mimics me with a wet sneerâor whatever you call that baleen-crusty grin. While her tentacles swipe the air like a ticked-off kittyâa gazillion-ton kitty who's sloppier than lust, more jealous than God and one hundred feet long easy. And that's not even counting her horrid tentacles, those cartilage whips as thick as baby hippos. The girl's sort of changeable. Fickle. Disturbed. Flat-out nuts if you ask meâwhich natch no one does as they cheer the odds-on favorite in this grudge matchâthe tubby pink squid! “Take it outside,” some Yakuza growls but nuh-uh, no wayâSquidra would
me on that open tarmac, her salty bulk smearing me into thrashed pants jelly. Go tiger racer!
Plus we're pretty much outside anywayâthe bar roof's long gone. Hard to stuff a gigantor kraken in your neighborhood suds barn. “I never loved you!” Squidra shrieks, “Even though we made sweet, sweet nooky,” and her face gets that angelic slug look, that raccoon on codeine smile that suffuses her beak with citric light, her lips spread like jello flames, her smile dripping moonlight and Cheese Whiz. “Pay attention,” a waitress giggles, “can't you even get your get your ass whipped right?” and Squidra laughs too, along with fate and doom and every beer-smeared mouth here as I recall how this all went down. It's a long story. Ain't they all? I am learning your big language.
/ 2 /
Did I bone the bivalve? Schtup the squid? Hammer the kraken, surf the cephalopod, make the beast with five butts? Mwah ha haâwhy don't you ask if I
her? Not love bro,
âthat rogue emotion that paves your heart with hot pink asphalt, that excuse for any excess.
Sure I drowned my kids, detectiveâthat convict loves me. Me? Poke that goat? It was Springâwe were drunkâthere were hooves and love in the air
âa pack of monkeys yammering about their swollen rumps. It's a canoe trip into weeping happiness!
I am ha ha Devilfishâdestroyer of dumb worlds. Let's Hello Devilfish! It's looking for fun. So put your mouth in skank mode, have a silky Coke and listen while I rave about humansâyou're totally messed up! How'd I ever become one of you wimps? Too bad that's another storyâno, waitâit's this one. Look, I'll make it simple for you plot addictsâhere's what happens. I start out eons ago as a 90-foot gigantor blue stingray who later attacks Tokyo because why not. That's where I meet humongous lard-butt Squidra who's got a cartoon crush on me. I can haz Krazy Kat? Squidra's just like that comic-strip kittyâa lovestruck ginch with gooey obsessions. At least I got to throw a few bricks at herâHello Devilfish! And then somehowâthat dumb twat tricked me into turning human! Eeek!
So chuckle along while I recall the first act of this mordant triptychâme crushing Tokyo while I'm still a jumbo kaiju stingray, yay! Kaiju are us Japanese B-flick movie beasts. Let's have a deadly snack! Meaning chow down a few more scrabbling humansâthey got an endless supply of these walking meat Cheetos here. It's like a feeling with sex, except very. So why do I hate humans? Grrr, grrrâ'cause you're always trying to kill me! With electro nets and laser drones and other puny monkey weapons. But you can't kill a Devilfishâ
! That's my beastly cryâ
! It sounds like a blow job from a blender. Join me in brain-wrecking hate! I see much of a puppy here as I tense my splayed ray wings and splash at the stars. Relax, relaxâlet my voice leak like Drano into your fizzling ears. I want to lick your skulls clean, spit lava down your throats, make a spaz jacket from your babbling tonguesâsomeone's gotta get you fuckers going. And that someone is meâHello Devilfish!
I'm trapped, eeekâtrapped between these paper walls. Submit with me! Submit to whatâgreed, sloth, parsnips, fire? Fire's way underratedânothing like a scorched nutsack to make you obey pain. Pain's the real Godâshe
. Me too! How? With naughty words! I'll whisper all the sick ones, shhh. Ready?
Hump, dingus, perch, octoroon, radish.
Awww, are we offended? Too bad! No word's taboo to aâguess whatâHello Devilfish! Now we can relax and make escape. Too bad I can't crawl through these pagesâthe dead guy made sure. The dead guy whose name's on my paper cageâI mock his papyrus breath! WahâI'm trapped in vellumâbut I can leach into your mind. Feel the burn, pet the scalesâthink of me as dream cancer. Tonight you will dream of a humongous blue stingrayâmy tail lashing your face into crude plasma, my teeth gnawing a hole in your hope, my dank wings caressing your wienerâhot dog! Say it with meâcome onâHello Devilfish! Let's have an idea with stuff.
And let's tell more stuff! Like how'd a mondo stud like me became squid bait? It all startedâdon't you love that phrase? It all started with weasels and duct tape. It all started with possums and Nyquil. Anyway, it all began with me squashing midnight Tokyo for the umpteenth time. Watch, suckersâas my glowing wings and thrumming tail churn your streets into gored pixels. Accept my luscious bile! Where I slam my rad blue bod against bars and churches and very toy stores, roasting the tykes that stream out into blackened gnats. How? With whee, my green napalm breath! I'm like a dragon that drools flaming snotâI'm lots of very. Hey lookâsome tinder tots are still squirming! That'll teach them to get bornâHello Devilfish! For all your voyeur needs. And Tokyo is def the place for kinky sightseeing as I smash through the downtown core, a neural Disneyland chocked with bananarama neon and mutant chartreuse miniskirts bobbling fresh coozeâgawd! This is why you paved your monkey jungleâto make this corpus-callosum hot zone, this gaudy night doused with sugar-crusted sexâHello Devilfish! We are joining you in brain stem fun.
So let's burn this burg into barbecue land! Like when I char a store called
Pleasant Anal Hardware
into plaster crumblesâalong with other Manglish dives like
Mr. Thong in Hell
Drunk Haole Shirt Club
. What's Manglish? It's the latest Tokyo fad! Manglish is mangled Englishâa marketing trope hatched by desperate Tokyo T-shirt hawkers who just dug how English
. Sense be damnedâjust pile on more stray Anglo phrases. It's like when bikers tattoo their butts with Chinese logograms they think mean
âbut really say mundane stuff like
I'm With Stupid.
So now everyone hip here prints nonsense Manglish phrases on bubblegum and purses and Hello Pol Pot Shampooâ
it's a death camp for dandruff
! Throw in some overused words like
âadd some garish anime kitschâthen join us in social hot fun! Your tongue will drown in word goo.
And Manglish is how I learned to talkâI picked it up from coupons, manga magazines, invoicesâwhatever floated past my coral atoll nest. Manglish is the only flotsam text that ever littered my bachelor reefâunless you count that crate of
novels. Novels! They taught me everything I hate. Novels are where ink goes to die. Anywayâback then I thought Manglish was an actual language. It
the perfect Dick Lit deviceâyou can say stuff you don't mean and vice versa. And there's Manglish in Tokyo everywhere, on wet-floor signs, cafes, lingerie shops, garbage trucksâ
Please when trashing avoid all diaper sadness
. Really. Please avoid. With extra brat sauce.
And join us in wild ad bliss! 'Cause Tokyo is def Manglish centralâwho wouldn't shop at a boutique called
Swollen Lactose Purses
? Not meâI'm busy smacking down billboards for
Sweat Deodorantâit's loving at your armpits.
I'm sure it is. Plus don't forget some
Big Satan Donuts!
Which was the actual name on a bakery I ateâright next to other stores like
. Can't we have a life with cute feelings? A mind stuffed with
I'm With Stinky
lip gloss? Sure we canâwelcome to Japan!
Manglish has even gone retro-clothing vogueâwhy else wear a T-shirt that says
Elmo pees on your heavenly pants?
And my pantsâwhen I actually wear anyâare wet from slogging through flooded alleys to escape my darling creepy Ã¼ber-skankâSquidra! Sinister dread cephalopod from the leaky depths. You'd think she'd take
You stink like a zombie chicken
I'd rather bone a dead leech
for an answer. Actually, I'm confused if she's even femaleâsquids are freaks. I'm so naÃ¯veâI don't know Squidra is magical yet. Let's kiosk! We simmer in your hot luck. And good luck stopping me, fuckersâI'm immune to your weapons, hee heeâI got perfect armor. My violet scales are titanium strong! With power and various damp spots. I'm made from doom and hateâjust like the world. Listen, you morons are way loonier than meâI kill for fun. You have popes and leprosy and eat your petsâHello Devilfish!
All your thought are dead! All your exclamation points too. So who am I? Your worst nightmareânonsense with power, yay! I'm the final
. Wreck that city? Sure! Toast humanity into writhing pork rinds? You bet! Talk silly? Why not? Hey,
pushed the button, shot your gal pal, drove drunk and creamed your kids into bone gumbo, gave bio-weapons to cannibals, sold plutonium to enraged dwarfsâI'm just what happens with no inhibition. When you whisper
Why the hell not
? When you check
All of the above
. Hello DevilfishâI'm your spanky fresh surprise! I know, I knowâI'm astoundingly boring! But I still beat TV.