Hell to Heaven (5 page)

We nodded again and I replied, ‘This transportation is most suitable for our needs and we are pleased to take it to our palace.’

The officials bowed to us again, and we walked—or in my case slithered with as much dignity as I could muster—to the sedan chair. I coiled up in my ‘senior’
place on the seat facing forward and Simone sat facing the back. The curtains over the windows closed by themselves and there was a lurch upwards as the demons lifted the chair. There was barely room for Simone’s knees to clear the seat on my side. She leaned back and closed her eyes. The jingling bits and creaking of leather indicated that the officials had mounted their horses. The sedan chair lurched again and began its horrible swaying progression towards the palace entrance.

‘You had it exactly right,’ the stone said. ‘Well done.’

‘It’s a freaking script,’ I said softly. ‘It’s all acting.’

‘It is an important ceremony that emphasises and enhances your rule over the Northern Heavens and attunes the energy flowing in the palace to your own,’ the stone said. ‘The whole thing is vital to the health of your rule and the Heavens themselves.’

‘That is the biggest load of bull I have ever heard,’ Simone said without opening her eyes.

‘How does the Tiger put up with all this?’ I said.

‘The Tiger revels in it,’ the stone said. ‘Michael’s told you about the Harvest Festival, hasn’t he?’

‘Yeah, he says it’s like the German Oktoberfest,’ Simone said. ‘Just a huge excuse to get drunk.’

‘The Tiger performs many rituals during the three days of the festival to ensure the safety and wellbeing of his family,’ the stone said. ‘Michael would be aware of that if he were further up the hierarchy of sons. For those lower down, it’s just a big party.’

‘It’s kind of disturbing the way they wear cloth patches to indicate their relationship to the Tiger so no incest takes place,’ Simone said. She opened her eyes and grabbed the side of the sedan chair as it lurched particularly violently; one of the carriers had stumbled
slightly. ‘I mean, what if they met each other outside the palace and got it on? It’s so
wrong.
’

The stone hesitated slightly, then said, ‘Is this something that concerns you, Simone?’

She leaned back again, her expression stiff. ‘Maybe.’

‘The tradition of “calling” is a way of avoiding this. Mortals do it to mimic Celestials.’

Simone looked interested. ‘Really? I thought it was just about using the title to show respect.’

‘It’s more than just establishing the pecking order in the family,’ the stone said. ‘It’s a way of confirming exactly how closely you’re related. Junior members of the family greet senior members by “calling” them—Poh Poh, Yeh Yeh, Wai Poh for the grandmother on the mother’s side. They establish themselves immediately so everybody present, from other branches of the family too, can straightaway see where they sit in the family network.’

‘Jade told me a story about that,’ Simone said. ‘When my mother’s parents first came to visit us in Hong Kong, I went up to my grandmother and “called” her—Poh Poh probably; I don’t remember it myself. I was used to “calling” everybody in my family, but it confused them. She just stood there and said “What?”’

‘And you were standing there waiting for the “good girl” response that kids always get when they “call” their grandparents,’ I said with amusement. ‘Culture shock both ways just in the first few words.’

‘So it’s actually a way of establishing links?’ Simone said. ‘I never thought of it that way. I thought of it—like you said—as the “pecking order” in the family.’ She grinned. ‘Human families have it easy. What about your sister’s son who’s a couple of hundred years older than you and also a tree? What do you call him?’

‘Jerk-off,’ I said quietly.

Simone nodded with mock solemnity. ‘Very well, Lady Emma, when I next “call” my nephew, I will greet him as “Jerk-off”.’

I stretched out on the cushioned seat. ‘You won’t have to; I’ll probably already have done it.’

The chair lurched again and I nearly slid off the silk cushions onto the floor. I coiled up again, tightening my grip on the silk. ‘Dammit, I hate these things!’

‘I’m not surprised Daddy bought the car,’ Simone said.

The sedan chair stopped suddenly and I landed on my back on the floor in an undignified heap. I raised my tail to give me the leverage to crawl back onto the cushion but it was too late. The curtains flipped open and there we were: Simone sitting like the princess she was, and me in a three-metre-long tangle at her feet.

The officials had dismounted and stood on either side of the door to escort us out. I flipped so that I was the right way up, shook my head, and slithered out of the chair and onto the pavers in front of the palace.

Yue Gui, Simone’s big sister, and Martin, her big brother, waited for us in the forecourt of the palace. They were dressed in Tang-style silk robes: Martin in black and silver; Yue Gui in pink and gold. They bowed and saluted us. Simone and I stood opposite them and bowed back.

‘Welcome, She Zheng Zhi, Gong Zhu, Regent and Princess,’ Yue Gui said.

‘We thank you, Gong Zhu and Wang Chu, Prince and Princess,’ I said.

‘Jie Jie, Ge Ge,’ Simone said, ‘calling’ her relatives.

‘Mei Mei,’ Yue Gui and Martin both responded with pleasure.

Simone’s shoulders slumped slightly. ‘Can we
stop
with the formal protocol BS now?’

Martin gave her a quick, friendly hug, then smiled down at her with his hands on her shoulders. ‘Yes, we’re done. Come inside and have some lunch.’

I held back. ‘Is Sang Shen here?’

‘No,’ Yue Gui said, amused by my dislike of her son. ‘He’s still under house arrest at home, serving his sentence.’

The four of us sat at the round, six-seater table with a couple of demon servants to attend us. We were in Martin’s apartments in the palace: a courtyard house attached to the rest of the complex by a breezeway. It was on the western side of the complex, towards the centre, next to the main apartment occupied by Xuan Wu when he was present. The informal dining room had a pleasant aspect over a small garden next to the high internal defensive wall for Xuan Wu’s residence.

‘I could provide you with a variety of different foods, Emma,’ Martin said. ‘It doesn’t have to be
alive.
Snakes eat dead food too. I’ve seen you eat waffles. Why don’t you just try it?’

‘Just give up, Ge Ge,’ Simone said, sounding bored.

‘My serpent form doesn’t need to eat,’ I said for the millionth time. ‘You should know this yourself, Martin, we reptiles…’ My voice trailed off.

‘Yes. We
reptiles
,’ Martin said, jumping on the point. He gestured towards Yue Gui. ‘We are all reptiles together. Even Simone has a reptilian form. Do not be ashamed of it! And by the Heavens, Emma, do me the honour of accepting my hospitality while you are in this form!’

‘Well, I don’t need to eat for days on end as serpent,’
I said. ‘The food I eat as a human keeps it satisfied. If I’m going to start eating as a snake, then I’ll try things at home and let you know.’

‘This should be your home,’ Yue Gui said. ‘When the Dark Lord returns, I’m sure it will be.’

‘Is it
his
home?’ I said.

They were silent at that.

I continued. ‘No, Wudangshan is his home. This is one of his offices. And for me it will be too. For
you
, this is home. Both of you. And you should be named as rulers together.’

‘That would interfere with the alignment of the Heavens and would not be accepted,’ Martin said stiffly. He relaxed. ‘Father will return, and he will retake his place on the throne of the Northern Heavens.’

‘Do you have any idea how long it’s going to take him to come back?’ Simone said.

Martin and Yue Gui shared a look.

‘You do!’ Simone said.

‘You know they aren’t allowed to tell us mortals the future, Simone,’ I said, miserable.

‘Actually, nobody knows,’ Martin said. ‘Father is too elemental, too powerful and too aligned with the forces of nature to be predicted. He is so much a part of the fabric of the universe that he cannot be seen in divination. It is like trying to predict the course of the Earth around the Sun—the Cosmos just says “It will happen, leave it alone.”’

‘Both of us have caught glimpses of him though,’ Yue Gui said, and Martin nodded agreement.

‘You have?’ Simone said, visibly brightening. ‘You’ve seen Daddy?’ She jiggled slightly with excitement. ‘Did he say anything?’

‘We have caught
glimpses
,’ Yue Gui said with sympathy. ‘His Turtle and his Serpent are at opposite ends of the world. They cry. They seem to be searching for one another—and for you.’

‘And for you,’ I said.

‘We are reptiles,’ Yue Gui said. ‘We lay our eggs and leave them. That is the Way.’

The demons cleared the dishes, and Martin poured more tea all around. I flicked my tongue above it to test the temperature, then carefully lowered my snout into the bowl to drink without tipping it over.

‘See? Told you you’d get there in the end,’ Simone said, waving her own teacup. ‘It just took practice.’

‘And if you used a larger bowl you wouldn’t have any issue with it at all,’ Martin said.

I pulled my dripping snout out of the tea bowl, then wiped it on a napkin laid on the table for me. ‘I’m not drinking out of a dog’s bowl, thank you very much.’

‘Dragon bowl!’ Martin said.

‘You are argumentative today, Ming Gui,’ I said sternly. ‘You need to take some time and meditate on your faults; you are lacking in filial piety towards your senior. You should be more modest and obedient.’

Simone nearly spat out her tea, and Martin’s mouth flopped open with delight.

Yue Gui toasted me with her teacup. ‘I could not have said it better myself, ma’am; you are quite correct in your clarification of Ming Gui’s faults. He should write a ten-page, seven-legged essay outlining his shortcomings and his plan for reparation.’

‘Be careful,’ Martin said with good humour. ‘I may just do that, and make all of you read it.’

Simone shook her hands over the table. ‘No, that’s
really not necessary!’ She brightened. ‘But you can write an essay for me on the reproductive variety in different species of annelids.’

‘Worms?’

‘Worms.’

‘Wait, the whole phylum? That’s a hell of a lot of worms! Their reproductive variety is astounding—did you choose this topic yourself?’

Simone nodded. ‘I like worms.’ She sagged slightly. ‘But you’re right, it’s a huge topic.’

‘When’s it due?’ Martin said.

‘Two weeks from tomorrow.’

He put his hand out over the table. ‘Sounds like fun. I’ll help you. Deal?’

She shook his hand. ‘Deal. You like biology too?’

He shrugged. ‘Most interesting field of science there is. Some Celestial biology makes Earthly biology look very tame in comparison.’ He turned to me. ‘Now that we’re finished, I think it’s time to move to general matters at hand. There aren’t many cases for you to hear; I’ll provide you with a list in the morning.’

‘Is Sang Shen still going on about me living in the wrong part of the palace?’ I said.

‘No,’ Yue Gui said. ‘I talked to him and offered him a compromise.’

‘Which is?’

Martin cut in. ‘Emma, if we move the fittings from the Serpent Concubine Pavilion into the Pavilion of Dark Celestial Bliss, will you move there?’

‘That’s what I’ve been asking for! It would solve the whole problem, but they said the fittings couldn’t be moved without disrupting the fung shui of Dark Bliss. The pavilion was designed to be occupied by a human not a snake.’

‘We have a fung shui master who says it can be done with some alterations to the layout to counteract the excessive yang of a snake presence. It will mean making the northern part of the pavilion larger, adding a water feature of some sort and choosing more turtle motifs in the decoration.’

‘Sounds very nice,’ I said. ‘How much will it cost?’

He hesitated. ‘Ten jin of Celestial jade.’

‘
Ten jin
?’ I said, horrified.

‘That’s, like, ten ounces, isn’t it?’ Simone said. ‘About a million dollars? That’s a bit over the top.’

‘No,’ I said. ‘It’s ten kilos. A hundred and sixty ounces. Ten
cattys
!’

‘That’s…what…sixteen mill?’ Simone said. ‘To add one room and a water feature? That’s ridiculous.’

‘We could have the whole goddamn pavilion knocked down and rebuilt for that,’ I said.

‘It’s made of aged Celestial teak and ebony from the plantations on the southern shores of the Northern Heavens—the trees from there take five hundred years to grow,’ Martin said. ‘The fittings are Earthly black and white jade trimmed with pure silver. The multicoloured floor tiles are semi-precious stones—topaz, garnet and tourmaline—and it will be hard to find stones that large again.’

I rested my head on the table. ‘I’ll just stay in the concubine quarters. It’s only Sang Shen who’s making a fuss about me moving.’ I raised my head. ‘Look, tell him that I’ll be happy to move into the Empress’s quarters, but he has to pay the ten jin to have it altered.’

Yue Gui nodded. ‘Good idea. I will tell him.’ She smiled slightly.

‘You really love tormenting him, don’t you, Jie Jie,’ Simone said.

Yue Gui shrugged. ‘He is in my custody to serve a sentence. And serve a sentence he will.’

‘Speaking of living quarters, there is one other matter, and then we have nothing else until tomorrow,’ Martin said. He pulled himself upright and spoke more formally. ‘Lady Emma, now that the Northern Heavens have been restored and are no longer a frigid wasteland, it would be most fitting to harmonious Celestial alignment if your family—your parents—were to be living in these Heavens rather than those in the West. This is where they belong as your family, and it is your filial duty to serve them closely. This is best achieved by them moving here.’

I stared at him, shocked. My parents had been living in the West for ten years and now he wanted them to move to a completely new—and strange—place?

‘I can’t see Nanna and Pop wanting to do that,’ Simone said mildly. ‘They’ve made a lot of friends in the West over the last ten years, Martin. I really think they’re more comfortable in the West.’