Heatstroke (extended version) (10 page)

 

the sale went to her. Richard never knew where she lived, but Benjamin always tried to get her to tell

 

him whenever they met so that he could give her money.

 

Yes, the money came from Richard.

 

It was a lot of money. She'd saved most of it.

 

No, she hadn't used any of the money to send Richard Jr. to private school or college. It wasn't

 

necessary, as Benjamin had set up a trust fund to pay for Richard Jr.'s school fees and medical care.

 

She suspected it was Richard, not Benjamin, who set up the trust fund, but she didn't care. It

 

wouldn't go in effect until Richard Jr. had turned ten years old, and by then she was sure Richard Sr.

 

had given up on finding his son.

 

No, she never asked about Richard.

 

No, she never knew where he lived.

 

Yes, Richard was still alive when Benjamin passed away in the early 1980s, but it was anyone's

 

guess after that.

 

Michael's head had been spinning by the time she shut up. There were so many things he wanted

 

to say to her, but nothing came out of his mouth. He was outraged. And for some reason he kept

 

thinking her actions would not had been as extreme had his grandfather been in love with another

 

woman instead of a man. Maybe his opinion was biased, but hey, he was gay too, so whatever.

 

Once the worst of the arguments had passed, Michael had locked himself in his room to read the

 

last entries Richard made in his journal. He knew he was reaching, but he was hoping to find clues as

 

to where had his grandpa had disappeared to all those years ago. He hadn't found anything so far,

 

but now it was time to just go back to the entries he had skipped. He was determined to know

 

everything there was to know by the time he met his long lost aunt.

 

Michael took a sip of his coffee, settled back in his seat, and buried his nose in the journal.

 

September 21, 1965
Being married isn't as easy as I thought it would be. Feigning happiness is complicated, even for an actor like me.
When I proposed to Mary Elizabeth we both knew there was no love between us, but she assured me it would come
with time.
She was wrong.
I might have chosen to stay away from Manny, but I still belong to him. Determination to keep him safe has
helped me fulfill my spousal duties, but I know my body would never perform with anybody else.
I will forever be his.
September 27, 1965
We went to a party at Benjamin's house today. As usual it was lively and gay. Only the best music, drinks, food
and guests. I amused myself trying to guess how many of those guests would have stayed if they knew how very gay
the party really was.
I saw several of the men Benjamin introduced me to while at his house over a year ago. I didn't say hello to any of
them. Their presence made me feel exposed and more uncomfortable than ever around Mary Elizabeth. This time
around I wasn't as quick to judge them or the decisions they've made, probably because I'm now one of them. I
understand that hiding behind a wife is sometimes the only plausible option for men like us, but I refuse to copy their
actions in every way. I might not love my wife the way I should, but I won't disrespect her either by being unfaithful.
Truth is I just wanted to come home, and had almost convinced Mary Elizabeth it was time to leave when I saw
him across the room. I couldn't talk. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't focus on anything other than this tall, strong,
fantastic looking man that until recently had been mine.
I couldn't stop my reaction to him. My heart was beating its way up my throat and my lower body hardening to a
painful state of arousal, and I couldn't stop it. I wanted to go to him. I wanted to touch him and kiss him and beg him to take me away. I needed to feel him. Have his skin touch mine and his lips consume me. Lose myself in his
heady scent. I wanted to take him in my mouth and not let him go until I'd made him spill. I wanted to drink every
drop and then start all over again. And I know that wouldn't have been the end of it. My Manny, he's passionate
and has the stamina of a purebred stallion. I know he would've had me on my back and spread open for him fifteen
minutes after I'd finished swallowing the last drop of him. I wanted this so bad I almost went to him. I didn't have
to. He came to me instead.
I was paralyzed. He shook my hand, even though I don't remember taking his, and from behind the white noise in
my head I heard him introduce himself to Mary Elizabeth. She was smiling and he was a perfect gentleman, telling
my wife how he and I used to be close friends but not anymore. She asked why. He said he wasn't entirely sure but
hoped to find out some day. They talked some more… I can't be sure about what, as it was impossible for me to pay
attention and conceal my physical and emotional reaction to his presence at the same time. I tried to leave. I remember
pushing Mary Elizabeth toward the door, but she stood her ground, smiling up at my handsome Latino and asking if
he was an actor, just like Ricky Ricardo. I remember laughing at that. That my wife didn't know the actor's real
name and had referred to him by the name of the character he played on television struck me as the funniest thing in
the world. I laughed and laughed. I could feel tears coming down my face, I laughed so much. I couldn't stop. At least
not until I heard Mary Elizabeth tell Manny she would love to go to one of his baseball games. And Manny said she
was welcome to come… that I knew where the best seats in the house were.
He left soon after. I don't remember much of what I did, but at some point I must have left the party and driven
us home because here I am, hiding in my studio trying not to cry.

 

Michael groaned for real this time. Up to that point he'd managed to stay away from anything

 

related to his grandpa's sex life, but by the time he realized what he was reading it was already too

 

late.

 

Yikes. Grandpa got a hard on for his man while standing next to his wife, and Manny could go ten

 

rounds in one night. T.M.I. Overload. He was going to need therapy for the next twenty years in

 

order to get that image out of his frigging head.

 

October 5, 1965
We went to the game. Mary Elizabeth insisted. She likes to be seen around town with me. We took my usual
seats. Manny didn't look in my direction once. I felt like throwing up the entire time.
His team won. There were congratulations and victory dances among the players down on the field before they
headed to the dugout. Right before getting there Manny turned around.
He brushed his cheek against his shoulder.
And he flipped me the bird.
October 14, 1965
Not only did Manny's team win the World Series today, but he was also named MVP of the game. I'm so proud
of him. I wish I could tell him how proud I am. How happy for him. I'm so happy I can't contain my tears. He's the
MVP. He's a champion… I think I'm going to drink to that.
November 20, 1965
Found out today Benjamin is going to his house in Florida for a few days. I know why. I know what happens
there. So I asked with whom. I needed to know. He told me and I swung at him. For the first time in my life I hit
another human being.
He told me to calm down; to get over it and just go with them. That it would be the perfect opportunity to work
things out with Manny and come to an agreement. He said marriage was supposed to give me the freedom I needed to
be with the man I decided to be with; not make me miserable. He said I'm doing everything wrong and if I don't get my head out of my ass it won't be long before Manny finds a replacement.
I swung at him again and left.
November 21, 1965
I can't sleep. I keep thinking about Manny going to Florida with Benjamin and his group of uninhibited friends
and I want to die. I can't take this. I can't think about him with someone else.
I know I'm being irrational. I can't expect him to be alone for the rest of his life when I have made it more than
clear that I'm not going back to him, but I do. Doesn't he understand what I'm doing for him? He needs to
understand… I've got to make him understand…
November 30, 1965
I was a fool to accept Benjamin's invitation. I should've known there was a possibility I would encounter things I
didn't want to deal with, but I had to talk to him. I had to talk to Manny.
I found him with a man. They were out on the patio, talking and smiling and feeding each other fruit! Well, the
other man was feeding fruit to Manny, and Manny was letting him. He shouldn't have let him! I remember that man
from last year. He was a lecherous pig incapable of thinking about anything other than sex. Manny knows how the
man is, too. But there he was, talking to him like they're best friends.
I told that pig to leave us alone. He didn't want to, but he must have realized I was ready to commit murder,
because he finally got up and left. And Manny had the… the… balls to tell me I had no right to ask the man to
leave. And he asked me what I was doing on the island. It made me so angry to hear him ask such a thing. Didn't he
really know? He should have, and because he didn't I yelled it to him.
I yelled that he wasn't being fair. That I had given up my sanity and my happiness and more importantly, I'd
given him up just to make sure he was safe. I gave him up! I told him I was dying from the pain caused by not having
him in my life, and that it's unfair for him to take my sacrifice and throw it out the window. He wasn't supposed to be with other men. He wasn't supposed to be with anybody else!
I demanded that he gathered his things and returned to Los Angeles with me. I yelled at him until my throat
started bleeding, and he yelled right back at me.
He was more furious than I was. He kept going from Spanish to English, making me miss half of what he was
saying. He called me a coward. He said I'd betrayed him. He said I was the worst person ever for taking my wife to
see him play. He told me to go back home. To leave him alone.
I kissed him. I grabbed his face, pulled him against me and kissed him with all the love and desire I'd been
smothering for months. I rubbed myself against his hard body; begging without words for something I craved so much,
I thought I'd die if he didn't give me it to me. Then I took his hand and covered myself with it. I could feel its heat
and strength through the fabric of my trousers. And for one glorious moment he squeezed me. Hard enough to hurt,
but I felt no pain. He didn't open my fly. He didn't take me in his hand and stroke me up and down the way I
like… yet I exploded all the same.
I was still trying to recover from the blinding pleasure I'd just experienced when he pushed me away from him. He
looked at me for a long time and right before my eyes I saw him turn into stone. His midnight eyes became dull; his
lips a hard line. And when he spoke, I felt the ice in his voice running through my veins.
He said he wasn't a cheap thrill. That whenever we had touched in the past had been with love. He said I lost the
right to touch him the moment I decided to betray his faith in me. I argued that I did it to keep him safe, because I
was scared for him. He said it wasn't my decision to make. He said he doesn't want to see me ever again. He looked
at me in the eye and told me to go home to my wife, because that's whom I belong to now.
I just knew he meant it with all his heart.
December 20, 1965
I drove by Manny's house today. He visits his family every year for the holidays and I knew he wouldn't be
around. There's a For Sale sign in the front yard.
At first I couldn't understand why he would want to sell his place. Manny loves his house. He bought it when he
first started making money as a baseball player, and he's proud that he owns it in full. Many times he said he would
never get rid of it because it was also our special place and everything inside now reminded him of me.
It took me a few minutes, but I finally realized that I'm the reason why he doesn't want to be in his own house
anymore. He's disposing of his memories of me. He wants to leave me behind.
He is leaving me behind.

 

Michael wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, praying that no one noticed he was crying like

 

a baby.

 

"Shit, Richard…" He gulped the knot in his throat.

 

Reading his grandpa's journals, it was easy to forget the guy had been only twenty-one when he

 

met the love of his life, and twenty-two when he lost him. He always sounded so formal; so proper.

 

Michael's heart went out to him.

 

He too knew what it was like to love someone you couldn't have… To put up a front and smile

 

when your heart had been broken for a long time.

 

Michael hoped things had turned around for his grandpa. That at some point in his life he'd been

 

able to recover from that terrible breakup with Manny, and the story with his wife. He wanted to

 

think that, eventually, Richard had found himself another guy, and that they'd loved each other and

 

had been happy for a very long time.

 

That perhaps they still were.

 

On the other hand, he kind of preferred to think Richard was long gone. It was easier to believe

 

his grandpa was dead than to wonder why he'd never tried to find his son.

 

Yes, Grandma Elizabeth had been pretty selfish, but forty-three years was a damn long time. He could've done something had he wanted to. Hire a detective. Google them. Whatever. Then again,

 

maybe he'd moved on. From Manny, from his marriage, and from his son.

 

He wiped his eyes again. He was trying to be fair and understanding, but it hurt. It fucking hurt that his grandpa never knew about him.
Chapter Ten
January 14, 1966
I don't want to leave the house anymore. I don't want to have to go to work. People annoy me so much with their
constant gossip and questions. I don't want to hear them and I don't want to look at them. Their attitude and
behavior are nothing but a reminder of why I did what I did.
I don't want to be constantly reminded of how much of an idiot I was.
February 23, 1966
I had lunch with Benjamin today. He's worried about me and my emotional health. I never even knew Benjamin
would notice anyone's emotional anything. He's a good man, but self-centered for the most part.
He was offended when I told him that. Apparently he can be very sensitive as well.
I asked if he'd seen Manny. I couldn't help myself. Benjamin said last he heard, Manny was trying to get
transferred to a different team.
Selling his house wasn't enough for him. It seems he can't stand to live in the same state as me.
March 30, 1966 Mary Elizabeth is pregnant. We're going to have a kid. I… this is a miracle. We haven't had sex in months. I
never thought I'd be a father.
I'm going to be a little person's Daddy!
I'm terrified.
April 23, 1966
I was nominated for an Academy Award this year.
I've been dreaming of this moment my entire life. I studied, rehearsed and worked for it until I was exhausted.
I won. That coveted gold statue is mine.
It means absolutely nothing to me.
July 6, 1966
I received a telephone call from Helen today. She's worried about me after a conversation she had with Mary
Elizabeth. My pregnant wife is upset because I've become a hermit. She told Helen I don't go to parties, I don't host
any parties, we don't go out often enough and we don't invite people over.
I said we should be getting ready for the baby's arrival. We need to be responsible about money, as there are no
guarantees I'll be making movies for years to come. Hollywood is the kingdom of whims. The same people that love
you today could hate you tomorrow. I need to make sure my family is provided for.
Also, I'm not in the mood for parties. These days I only manage to smile when there's a paycheck involved.
Helen wanted to know if I have recovered from my ill-fated affair. She wonders if she didn't make a mistake by
agreeing with Benjamin in that I could never let the world know about Manny and I.
I didn't answer. It was never ill fated between me and Manny. I killed it myself. But that's something I don't
discuss with anyone. The events are still too recent… too tender. I fear I might crumble and never be able to get up
again if I so much as mention his name. And what does it matter if she made a mistake or not? I know I did, but it's too late to rectify.
August 12, 1966
I went to see Manny play today. I know he doesn't want to see me, but he can't stop me if he doesn't know I'm
around. I wore casual attire and made sure to stay away from my usual seat. Nobody noticed me.
He looked fantastic. I couldn't see his face from where I was, but I didn't need to. I know by memory the shape of
his eyes; the slight bump on his nose; the tilt of his mouth. I know every expression line that forms around his eyes
and mouth when he laughs… and when he hurts.
To be able to sit amongst strangers and look at him without raising any brows was exactly what I needed to feel
alive again. For nine months I restrained myself. I managed to respect his decision of not wanting to see me again, but
I can only be so strong… I just needed to see him…
August 23, 1966
Benjamin is out of town. He didn't tell me where he's going and I didn't need to ask. At this time of the year,
there's only one place where he would go. I'm doing everything I can not to think about the possible guest list.
Mary Elizabeth hates me. She's gained weight with the pregnancy and can't go out with her friends anymore. I
don't understand why she complains so much. I can see how uncomfortable she is in such a late stage of her pregnancy,
but shouldn't she be enjoying this? God knows that watching my child grown inside her belly is the only good thing in
my life. She should be happy too.
September 8, 1966
I'm a father! Richard Lewis Bancroft, the Third, was born today. He is perfect. He has all his little toes and
fingers and the cutest button nose. His hair is dark, like his mother's, but I think his eyes are blue like mine. I love
him so much already. There's nothing I wouldn't do for him. December 24, 1966
I drove by Manny's house tonight. He moved out a long time ago, but it's the only connection still have with him. I
parked across the street and took my bottle of gin out so that I could have a drink with him. We ended up having
five.
I wished him a Merry Christmas. He probably didn't hear me. He's with his family at this time, and Manny
always said they can be really loud, but I wished him a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, and all the
happiness in the world. One of us deserves to be happy. I doubt it'll ever be me.