Heatstroke (extended version) (7 page)

 

around." He bit his worried his lower lip and shook his head. "Shit, Richard. How could this be?

 

You're all jealous and shit of the women wanting to get with Manny… worried about him getting

 

with any of them, and at the end, it was you who bailed on the poor guy and married a woman you

 

didn't even like."

 

Michael turned a few pages and sighed. It was already four o'clock. He wanted to have as many

 

facts as possible before dinner, but he couldn't take the time to read every single word Richard had

 

written.

 

He skimmed through a few journal entries and smiled when he read Richard had finally

 

purchased his dream house in Malibu. He loved to look at the ocean because it reminded him of his Manny.

 

Going by the journal entries, they'd had an honest to God relationship. Somehow they managed

 

to go to the movies together. They went out to dinner a few times and visited museums. They even

 

went to see Elvis and The Beatles together.

 

Richard had seen The Beatles in concert.

 

Live.

 

"Lucky bastard."

 

Life had been good to the man. He was young and all kinds of handsome. He had money, fame,

 

and love. He should've been happy, but Michael could tell, even when Richard didn't write about it,

 

that he wasn't. Hiding was getting to him. He went back and forth between wanting to be out as a

 

gay man and wanting to hide who he was; between wanting Manny to be out with him and resenting

 

his man whenever Manny suggested they left everything behind and became hippies.

 

There was pressure on both of them, too. From their families, producers, coaches, and friends.

 

They all kept asking when they were planning on marrying nice girls and starting families. At times

 

Richard thought he never would, but some other times he wrote it would be a good idea.

 

Michael wondered if Manny had been aware of Richard's doubts before he got news of his

 

man's impending wedding.

 

Probably not.

 

March 7, 1965
After three weeks apart, I'm finally on my way to see Manny. Thanks to Benjamin's generosity we will get to be
together for quite some time, as my good friend is letting us stay at his Florida house. Ten days in a private paradise;
surrounded by the same bright sun, white sand and blue ocean that months ago witnessed the beginning of what I hope
will be the rest of my life. No maids; no cooks; no help in any way. We'll have to fend for ourselves, but we will be completely alone. I can't wait to get there.
Although Manny is flying out of Los Angeles it was impossible for us to be on the same plane. Benjamin said it
would be a fool's move to let others know of our intentions. I had to agree. Manny wasn't as easily convinced. He
wants to scream at the top of his lungs that I am his and he is mine. He wants the entire world to know we are
together and is ready to bat a few heads off if anyone dare say to his face that this is wrong. It took me hours but he
finally agreed to say he's going to see some of his family in Miami, and I told a few people I'm going to New Jersey.
I loathe the secrets and the lies, but understand there are no other options for men like us. When I first realized the
true nature of my sexuality I decided I wanted to be open about it. I really thought I could be. I didn't want to
pretend to be in a relationship with some random woman just to keep people from gossiping. I thought I could just be
with the one person I love more than anything in the world, society be damned. I was utterly naïve.
Benjamin might call us kindred spirits, but we are homosexuals. It scares me a little, to write down what I am. I
have been in a clandestine relationship with another man for months. I have done things many consider perverted or
degrading and could get us either committed or arrested. I have risked being discovered many times, just so that I can
have one kiss from the man I love… I know who I am and what I want and don't regret anything I have done so far.
Yet it scares me to write it down.
There are some courageous souls that have gotten together with the same purpose. They have formed organizations
to fight for civil rights and against the homophobia that is rampant in this world, but they aren't making much
progress. Not only is homosexuality still taboo, but classified as a psychiatric disorder as well. There is no tolerance for
people like us.
And so I rather hide and patiently wait for the rare opportunities when Manny and I can be together for more
than a few hours at a time.
April 24, 1965
I had dinner with Benjamin tonight. The director wasn't present, but we discussed my new movie that I just started filming. Benjamin is the producer and he likes to have his hand in everything. We also discussed a story I've been
writing in my spare time. He says it is very good, and maybe we can do something with it. I never considered writing
until a few months ago. My dream was to be an actor, but now that I have accomplished that goal I find that I need a
new challenge. An idea crossed my mind and before I knew it I was bringing it to life. Turns out I enjoy writing
immensely. Benjamin says it could be an excellent project for television. I wouldn't be opposed to that.
The second part of our conversation I didn't enjoy. It was my close friendship with Benjamin that stopped me from
leaving the restaurant the moment he started on my relationship with Manny yet again. As much of a kindred spirit
as Benjamin is; as much as he indulges in his desires and carnal pleasure, the truth is he will never be honest about it.
He's terrified of being found out, which is why he has as many women as he has men, and that in addition to his
marriage. Now he's terrified on my behalf.
He said that gossip is spreading and rumors are getting louder. He told me I'm being careless. That I'am letting
the world see my affections are not normal by not dating women and spending too much time with Manny. He said
people are wondering why I have been parading all over Hollywood with him instead of some pretty girl.
I was furious. I let him know, in no uncertain terms, that there's nothing abnormal about the way I feel for
Manny. That our relationship is as good as any other couple's in this town. Better, even, because our love is real.
Benjamin said he has no doubt of that. He knows we are the real thing, but reminded me the world is not ready to
see men together; to accept that I want a husband instead of a wife. He says my days in Hollywood will be over if
people find out. I said I don't really care. I'ill take Manny over acting any day.
That's when Benjamin asked if I care about Manny's career and what will happen to him if the men he is in
such close quarters with ever find out what he is. He asked me whether or not I care if Manny gets beaten to a pulp.
He says being an actor I would probably get more compassion and understanding from the people in my life, but the
men Manny is surrounded by will never show him any kindness. He'll get thrown off his team and he'll have to face
hundreds of enraged fans. He told me Manny could get killed by a mob like that.
Benjamin says both Manny and I are the best at what we do and have brilliant careers ahead of us. He said I need to think about that the next time I decide to be out in public with Manny. He says I should seriously consider
dating a girl.
I could not date a girl. I belong to Manny… I belong to him…

 

"Michael?" The soft knock on his bedroom door had him hiding the journal under the pillow and

 

scrambling out of bed within two seconds of hearing it.

 

"Yeah?" He opened the door and gave his father what he hoped was an expressionless look.

 

"What's up, Dad?"

 

"Charlie's on the phone."

 

"Thanks." He took the handset from his father and shifted from one foot to the other.

 

"Are you okay?" Dad frowned. "Why are you so fidgety?"

 

"There's something I have to do."

 

"What is it?"

 

"I can't tell you just yet."

 

"And why's that?"

 

"I know I'm grounded but… See, I have to leave here sooner than we thought."

 

"Leave to go where?" Dad asked. "You know we have two more days of medical appointments

 

before we can go back to California."

 

"I wasn't planning on leaving with you guys." Michael chewed on his lower lip, but held his

 

father's gaze. "It's important, Dad."

 

"What is this about?"

 

"I'll tell you later. For now, I just need you to promise you'll back me up if Mom refuses to let me

 

do this."

 

"I don't know, Michael." Dad took a deep breath and shook his head. "I can't agree to let you do something I don't know the first thing about."

 

"I promise it's nothing bad."

 

"Where are you going?" his dad insisted. "And with whom?"

 

"Dad, please," Michael begged. "This is the most important thing I've done in my life. I need you

 

to trust me. Can you please stand up to Mom if she says I can't leave the house? You've got to let

 

me go do what I have to do.
Please
."

 

"First you need to tell me what's going on," Dad said as he studied Michael carefully.

 

"Tonight," Michael promised without looking away. "I'll explain it all tonight, okay?"

 

His dad didn't say anything else, but, after what felt like ages, he nodded, patted Michael on the

 

shoulder, and left the room.

 

Michael sighed in relief.

 

"Charlie?" he said on the phone, closing the door and going back to bed. "Did you find me a

 

flight?"

 

May 19, 1965
I knew something was wrong the moment I saw Manny tonight. His usually sparkling midnight eyes were serious
and dull, and his luscious lips were pinched. He didn't answer when I asked if something had happened. He just
kissed me out of words and air and took me to his bed.
Things there were different too. Manny has always been a very passionate lover, but tonight his embrace was more
intense, his kisses hungrier; and when he took me I felt him deeper than ever before. I felt consumed by him in the most
wonderful way. But I knew something was wrong.
Between the two of us, Manny is the quiet one. He talks through his actions, often leaving the words for me to
express. For the most part I don't have a problem with that. I have gotten to know him so well I have but to look at
him in the eyes in order to find out what he wants or what he is thinking. And he never had a problem letting me look to my heart's content. Tonight he was hiding from me, so I had to ask. He was stubborn, but I kept asking until he
had no choice to either answer me or throw me out, as I almost drove him crazy.
I listened carefully while he told me about a conversation he had with another player a few days ago. I made sure
the consternation that took a hold of my heart when he told me this player was not inviting him to his wedding
reception was not reflected on my face. I took a deep breath and rubbed his shoulders while he told me the reason why
he was not invited. I swallowed the fear that felt like a lump in my throat when Manny said that this player didn't
want any friends of a queer tainting the occasion. I smiled and kissed him in gratitude when he said he would gladly
kill that pendejo for daring to insult me. Such a knight in shining armor, my Manny is. And while he ranted in
Spanish I stopped being his Richard and got ready to give the best performance of my life.
I told him everything will be fine. I told him to let it go; that being called queer didn't offend me. I said I'm sorry
that he was left out, but I didn't tell him I'm scared for him and that I fear he can be physically harmed. I didn't tell
him about my conversation with Benjamin, and how real his words had just become for me. I just kissed him until he
forgot about everything and made love to me again. And at the end of the night, when it was time to part ways, I
managed to convince him that it was a good idea to put some distance between us right now. I told him I don't want to
put my career in jeopardy or see him do the same. He didn't want to, but he agreed to give me some time while he's
away with his team. I don't know how I'm going to survive without hearing from him, but I'm happy he'll be safe.
May 27, 1965
My little sister has always been my best friend. She's two years younger, but she assures me she's thirty years wiser
than me. Apparently being a woman gives her the advantage. I tend to disagree. I've been out in the world. Seen and
done things she probably doesn't have the first idea about, but now that I need to make a decision that will change both
mine and Manny's lives, I realize I need her advice.
I'm flying home today. I'm talking to my sister and confessing everything to her. I'm going to tell her what I want
and what I need. I'm going to tell her I'm in love with a wonderful man and that I hope to spend the rest of my life with him.
Helen loves me. She's always been supportive of me. I know what I'm about to tell her won't be easy to
understand or accept, but I'm hoping her love for me is stronger than any prejudice she might have. Men like Manny
and I are different, but we deserve to be loved and accepted at least by our families, right? If they don't, then what
hope is there for us?
May 28, 1965
There was a brawl between several baseball players after a game a few days ago, but we only saw it in the newscast
tonight. The news men couldn't tell what started it. Apparently the individuals involved refused to tell.
Manny was involved. He's never been involved in a brawl before. He is a very nice man, loved and admired by the
entire country. Hispanics think of him as a hero… He could have been hurt.
I got so scared for him… I cried. Helen held me. She still loves me. She says she'll always love her big brother, no
matter what. Now she's scared for me, too… but not as scared as I am for my Manny.
June 1, 1965
I'm taking Mary Elizabeth out to dinner tonight.
June 5, 1965
I read there was another brawl between some players. Manny was involved in that one too. God, please, let him be
fine… Let him be fine…
June 22, 1965
I received a letter from Manny. I must've read it at least a thousand times.
I didn't go to Manny's house tonight. He asked me to, but I didn't go. He probably hates me now. He called me a coward. He's probably right.
This is the hardest thing I have done in my life. It hurts so fucking much…