Healthy Brain, Happy Life (32 page)

In these studies, the authors describe intense, romantic love as: “Euphoria, intense focused attention on the preferred individual, obsessing about him or her, emotional dependency on and craving for emotional connections with this beloved and increased energy.” They note that the combination of obsessive behavior with strong dopamine activation resembles key features of the early stages of . . . addiction.

I definitely had all the symptoms:

Obsessive about Michael and spending time with him—check!

Craving emotional attention from him—check!

Lots of energy—check!

Yes, I was definitely in that early addictionlike phase of intense romantic love.

But as I started to fall in love, I lazily started daydreaming about what it would be like to ride off in the sunset with my new prince charming and spend the rest of my days with him—to have and to hold till death do us part. Well, turns out that we also know about the brains of long-term happily married couples who report feelings of intense romantic love with their partners (lucky ducks!). Some of the same researchers who did one of the studies on early intense romantic love wanted to know if those same brain activations could still be observed twenty years into a relationship. What they discovered is that when one of the long-term lovebirds looked at a picture of her spouse the same brain areas were activated as those in people who are still in the early stages of an intense romantic love: the VTA and the caudate nucleus. But in addition, the researchers started to see other activated brain areas, such as the globus pallidus and the substantia nigra. These latter areas are interesting because they have been identified in studies that examine brain areas involved in maternal love. This suggests that long-term relationships activate the brain systems thought to be involved in social attachment. These brain areas have many receptors for two chemicals strongly implicated in attachment and pair bond formation—oxytocin and vasopressin. So such studies show that as a long-term romantic bond grows stronger, brain areas associated with deep personal attachment are activated. Now
that’s
a pattern of brain activity that I aspire to!

This honeymoon phase with Michael was fantastic. Isn’t it always? It was enhanced by romantic trips to Chicago, Miami, and San Francisco; long good-night phone calls when we were apart; and lots of intense time focused on each other when we were together.

We were not only in love but we were getting serious.

As our relationship progressed, inevitably, some differences started to emerge. They were challenging but not necessarily deal breakers. As you know, I am a foodie always in search of that great new restaurant. He lived for a great burger and fries (though he was in surprisingly good shape, given his preferred diet). I loved to go out with friends and meet new people—the more social invitations I got, the happier I was. He felt socializing was a chore, didn’t have a lot of close personal friends (bad sign), and would rather just spend time at home with me. I loved adventure travel and outdoor exploration of new cultures. He needed nice hotels and preferred to go on cruises. We managed fine through this, with me spending time with my friends on my own and us still spending time alone, though always compromising on where we would eat—Shake Shack (him) or Babbo (me), In-N-Out Burger (him) or the French Laundry (me). In the end we were always happy with a long binge-watching session of our favorite television series, something we almost always agreed on.

However, in the heady haze of love and reward responses swirling through my brain during those first six to nine months, there
was
one red flag that I probably should have paid more attention to early in the relationship.

From the beginning, Michael was very clear about the fact that he was separated but not yet divorced from his wife. He described the divorce as in progress and sure to happen sooner rather than later. I was more than happy to take him at his word. But as months and then a year and then a year and half went by, it became clear that nothing about this divorce was going to happen sooner; it was going to be later, an indeterminate amount of time later. It turned out to be way more complicated than I had ever imagined it would be. Michael maintained that the papers would be signed by this date and then by that date. Those dates went by so often with no progress at all, I had to start wondering if he was really getting divorced.

Then we started to fight about it. Regularly.

It became the focus of our relationship.

At that point, I could have just said, “You know what? I don’t date separated men that aren’t able to get a divorce.” And I would have been done with it.

But when we were together he made me feel so loved. I just didn’t want to give up.

Instead I said, “I need evidence of your commitment to me.”

He said, “I can do that!” And about a week later we moved in together.

We experienced another honeymoon period.

I loved living with him. Or maybe I loved the idea of living with him. But the fact was that his road to divorce remained unrelentingly slow and was like the gorilla in the room. To be fair, I had no doubt that he wanted to get divorced, but his long-term inability to deliver on his never-ending promises to get the deed done started to wear on my trust in a serious way.

It turned out that moving in together was the beginning of the end for us. The broken promises and aborted deadlines just started eroding everything else. All those differences we noted at the beginning of our relationship (social engagement, food choices, preferred vacation destinations) that seemed manageable at the time now became unbearable. I wasn’t going to be the other woman any longer.

I think at some point I just realized I was not in love with him anymore.

When I made that realization, I knew I had to break it off with Michael.

Despite all the clear signs that it was time for me to end the relationship, it was unbelievably hard to break up with him. In the beginning I had fallen deeply and passionately in love with him. I really thought we were going to get married. I felt a deep and terrible loss. But at the same time I knew it was the right thing to do.

I went through a very difficult time after we broke up. He had moved out of my apartment, but I still had plenty of reminders of him all around me. There were the knickknacks that he bought me as gifts from his travels, the restaurants and stores that I passed where we had gone regularly, and even the times of day that he would always call me at work or at home. These were all the things that I had associated with that love that I felt for Michael. All the reminders, like the cues that cause craving and relapse in addicts, brought back a memory of my feelings. Maybe my love affair had been more like an addiction than I realized. In fact, all the reminders produced a deep longing in me. Not a longing to get back together with him, but a longing to feel that same intense romantic love that we had together.

My recovery from this breakup was long and slow. I continued to work out regularly, and I added more yoga to my exercise routine. I signed up at the last minute for a yoga retreat at a cute little inn called Good Commons in Vermont and had a great time. I met a bunch of interesting and yoga-minded people. I enjoyed the retreat so much I signed up again for a meditation retreat at the same place. These things together all started to help me feel happy and whole again. But it was a slow process. Honestly, I didn’t feel completely recovered from the breakup for nearly a year.

As I was slowly but gradually healing, I realized that something else had changed for me. Namely, I finally (it was about time!) got clear about what I needed in a romantic relationship. First of all, there would be no more unavailable men of any kind. In a sense, Michael was just as unavailable as Daniel, the musician. Maybe I was seduced by the idea of seeing if I could win these unavailable men over to my side. All I knew was that I was not going to tolerate that kind of unavailability in my relationships from now on. That meant that I would no longer date married men, separated men, men who were too involved in their work for a real relationship, or men who were attached or unavailable in any other ways.

Michael also taught me an important lesson: Just because you fall deeply in love with someone doesn’t mean it’s going to work out. You have to know clearly what you need to be happy in a relationship and be ready to walk away—for the good of all concerned—if those elements are not there for both of you.

In addiction we know that the connection between the prefrontal cortex and the rest of the reward circuit becomes impaired, and this prevents the prefrontal cortex from using its decision-making powers to put the brakes on risky behavior. I suspect that while romantic love is stimulating the release of dopamine in our reward centers, it is also impairing our decision-making and evaluative abilities because we are so hooked on that feeling of love. At least that’s how I felt. I could have used some help from my own prefrontal cortex during my relationship with Michael, but instead I ignored some pretty clear signs and made choices that I thought would keep what love there was left for as long as possible.

Well, we live and learn.

TAKE-AWAYS: CHARITY, GENEROSITY, AND LOVE

•  Acts of true charity and generosity can powerfully activate the brain’s reward system.

•  Activation of the reward system may underlie the warm fuzzy feeling accompanying the act of giving to a good cause.

•  Early intense romantic love can also powerfully activate the brain’s reward system as well as stimulate the release of oxytocin and vasopressin, brain chemicals with links to social bonding.

•  Intense love may have commonalities with aspects of addiction, including the obsessive behavior.

•  The strong ties formed with places, events, and items associated with your beloved may cause regret and longing if the relationship ends, similar to cravings in addiction.

•  We can recover from even the worst breakups and retrain our brains to learn from our mistakes.

BRAIN HACKS: MORE IDEAS FOR STIMULATING THE PLEASURE CENTERS OF YOUR BRAIN

We all know the things that stimulate our own pleasure centers. These are the things we dream we are doing or experiencing on a Monday morning instead of work. Here are some examples from my own personal list.

•  Eating a meal you love.

•  Drinking great Bordeaux (just having a few sips, as opposed to the whole bottle, will make it even more pleasurable!).

•  Making love.

•  Getting a full body massage.

•  Watching your favorite movie of all time.

•  Watching an exciting sports match.

•  Playing your favorite sport.

•  Reading a great book that you can’t put down.