Read Healing Your Emotional Self Online
Authors: Beverly Engel
Healing Your Emotional Self (4 page)
Empathetic responses.
When we say that someone has the abil- ity to empathize, we generally mean she has the space inside to listen and respond to another person without getting caught up, or stuck, in her own point of view. She has the ability to put
herself in the other person’s place—to imagine how the other person feels. Unfortunately, many parents are so caught up in themselves that they have no room for anyone else’s needs or views—even their own children’s. A typical nonempathetic response from a parent may take the form of getting impatient with a baby who soils his pants when the parent is busy trying to get ready for a party. An empathetic parent will take a deep breath, pick up her toddler lovingly, and remind herself that the baby can’t help it. She’ll talk sweetly to the child and caress him gently as she changes his diaper. A nonempathetic parent may blame the child for causing a delay, handle the child roughly, and communicate displeasure toward him.
Having your perceptions validated.
One of the primary ways of encouraging a healthy sense of self is for parents to validate a child’s experience, such as when a parent agrees that something is sad when the child feels sad. This kind of validation usually causes the child to experience a feeling of being all right. She feels that she is “on target” with her feelings and probably also feels less alone in the world. If, on the other hand, a parent tells the child that a sad thing is really a happy thing, the child might suddenly feel off balance or that something is wrong with her. She will also probably feel very alone.Having your uniqueness respected.
When a child’s uniqueness as an individual is respected, he learns to tolerate differences in himself and others. He learns that it is interesting to discover differences and to deal with them constructively. Unfortunately, in many families it isn’t considered normal for people in the same family to have different preferences. Instead, there is an assumption that when a child has a different preference or dis- agrees, he is trying to control his caretakers or is involved in a power struggle. Some are even punished or blamed for being different from other family members. This is translated, in the child’s mind, to the message “I am bad.” When a child’s individ- ual preferences are respected, on the other hand, he tends to feel, “I am all right.” This in turn promotes a sense of self char- acterized by feeling worthwhile and loved.Infants have no “sense of self,” that is, no internal knowledge of who they are as a person separate from everyone else. If an infant were to look in the mirror, she would not recognize herself. You’ve no doubt watched the reaction of infants or toddlers who look in a mirror. They often react as if they were seeing another child.
Parents act as a mirror to show a child who he is. If a baby’s par- ents smile at him, he learns that he is delightful and adorable. If a baby is held and comforted, he learns that he is safe. If his parents respond to his crying, he learns that he is important and effective. But if a baby is not held, spoken to, comforted, rocked, and loved, he learns other lessons about his worth. If his cries are not responded to, he learns helplessness; he learns he is not important. Later, as the child grows, his parents will act as a mirror in other ways. If they over- protect him, he will learn he is incompetent. If they are overly control- ling, he will learn he cannot be trusted.
Throughout childhood there will be other mirrors that will show a child who he is. Teachers, friends, and caregivers will all perform this role, but a child will inevitably return to the reflection in the mirror that his parents held up for him in order to determine his goodness, importance, and self-worth.
In this book I focus on helping you to create a new mirror, one that reflects who you really are as opposed to how your parents or other primary caretakers defined you. Through a process I call Mirror Therapy you will be able to raise your self-esteem, improve your self- image (including your body image), quiet your inner critic, and heal your shame. Although this program is called Mirror Therapy, it involves a lot more than looking in the mirror. Certainly it is not based on the overly simplistic idea, depicted in an old
Saturday Night Live
skit, of looking into a mirror and repeating affirmations like “I’m good enough,” “I’m smart enough,” and “People like me.” Instead, it is a holistic approach based on important psychological concepts, tech- niques, and beliefs.I call my program Mirror Therapy for several reasons:
The mirror symbolizes our identity.
Parental neglect, emotional abuse, and smothering all have a negative (mirroring) effect on a child’s developing identity—his or her self-concept, sense of self, and self-esteem.
Parental emotional abuse and deprivation also have a negative effect on a child’s body image and body awareness. Thus, what the child (and later, the adult) sees when he or she looks in the mirror is distorted.
Parental emotional abuse creates in a child a negative internal judge or critic, which acts as a warped lens that distorts reality.
The practice of
mirroring
is a fundamental aspect of parenting and is absolutely necessary if a child is to grow into a healthy adult with a strong sense of self and high self-esteem.Mirror Therapy involves exercises and practices using mirrors as aids to reducing shame and raising self-esteem.
Children mirror parents’ behavior.
This method focuses on how the negative view or judgment of an emotionally abusive parent defines a child’s self-image; how neglect causes a child to feel worthless and unlovable; and how emotional smothering causes a child to be unable to establish a separate self from his or her parents. Even though I created Mirror Therapy espe- cially for the many who were emotionally abused or neglected as chil- dren, it can work for anyone who suffers from low self-esteem, a poor self-image, or a powerful inner critic, or is riddled with unhealthy shame. This includes people who were physically or sexually abused. By taking in the information in this book and by completing the exercises, you have an opportunity to reject the distorted images you received from your emotionally abusive or neglectful parents once and for all. You have the opportunity to replace these distorted images with a more accurate reflection of who you really are. I call these two processes “Shattering Your Parental Mirror” and “Creating a New Mirror.” I encourage you to take this opportunity. While you cannot reverse all the damage caused by abusive or neglectful parents, you can regain much of the sense of goodness, strength, and wisdom that
is your birthright.
Mirror Therapy Assignments
In addition to various exercises throughout the book, I also offer you Mirror Therapy assignments at the end of each chapter. These assign- ments will help you to focus on important feelings and issues that may arise as you read the book.
Mirror Therapy Assignment #1
This week take the time to notice how often you criticize yourself—whether it is because you did not perform the way you expected or because you are not happy with the way you look. Also notice how often you feel exposed, unworthy, or fearful that others will discover how flawed you actually are. If you like, record how often you are self-critical, the types of criticism you notice, and how often you feel shamed and what triggers that shame.
The Seven Types of Negative Parental Mirrors
“Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me,” I was taught; one more lie among many. In truth words penetrate the unlidded ear and land in the spirit. Words carry hatred and passion and love and fear. Words have the power to shoot down or raise up. Sharp cutting words can whirl for years afterward like the rotating blades of a lawn mower.
—L
OUISE
M. W
ISECHILD
,
The Mother I Carry
D
URING MY MANY YEARS
of practice and study I have observed seven common types of negative parental mirrors. These include:
The “I Am Unlovable” Mirror. When parents are neglectful or do not have time for their child, they send the message that the child is unwanted or unlovable.
The “I Am Worthless” Mirror. When children are physically or emotionally rejected or abandoned by their parents, the mes- sage they receive is that they are worthless.
The “I Am Nothing without My Parent” Mirror. When parents are overprotective or emotionally smothering, they send the message that their child is helpless without them.
The “I Am Powerless” Mirror. When parents are overly con- trolling or tyrannical, they cause their child to feel powerless.
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The “I Am Bad” or “I Am Unacceptable” Mirror. When par- ents are verbally abusive, hypercritical, or excessively shaming, the message they send to their child is that he or she is a bad person or is unacceptable.
The “I Don’t Matter” Mirror. When parents are self-absorbed or narcissistic, the message they give their children is that their needs are not important and that they do not matter.
In this chapter I will address in detail the seven types of emotion- ally abusive and neglectful parents. I will also describe the parental mirror each of these parents holds up and the emotional damage to a child’s self-image and self-esteem that is caused by each type of par- enting. As you read these descriptions, notice which ones you identify with the most. Note that your parent or parents may fit into more than one category, and that you may have suffered from more than one type of emotional abuse. For example, parents who are overly critical are also often perfectionistic. Also note that there are similarities between some of the different types of emotional abuse. For instance, being neglected and being abandoned can have a similar effect on a child.
The Neglectful or Inadequate Parent
Parental Mirror: “You Are Unlovable”
Unlike other forms of childhood abuse, the damage caused by neg- lectful or inadequate parents has more to do with what they
didn’t
do than with what they
did
do to their children.An infant learns that she is wanted and loved by watching the smiling faces of her parents as they gaze adoringly into her eyes. A toddler learns that she is loved by the way her father loves to swoop
her up in his arms and by the way her mother loves to hold her close. A preschooler learns that she is loved by seeing her mother smile as the child begins to explore the world. A grammar school child learns that she is loved when her parents scold her for doing something she shouldn’t, but minutes later forgive her as they engage her in another more appropriate activity. An older child is reminded that she is loved when her parents brag about her to her grandparents—even though she only got Cs on her report card.
Children learn that they are loved by the way their parents look at them, by how much their parents want to hug them and hold them, and by how they discipline them. When a child is not looked at with loving eyes, he comes to believe he is not loved. When his parents don’t seem to want to hug him or hold him, he comes to believe he must not be lovable. And when his parents’ affection is taken away whenever he does something they disapprove of, he comes to believe that his lovability is contingent upon his actions and deeds.
When I first met Susan I was struck by her robotic movements and her unexpressive face. As she spoke matter-of-factly about why she had sought therapy, I also noted that her voice seemed to lack any emotion. Even before I learned more about her childhood, I could already tell that she had been severely traumatized in some way and that, in response to the trauma, she had shut down emotionally.
Although Susan had blocked out a great deal of her childhood, eventually we unearthed the truth. Susan had been severely neglected when she was a child. From an older sister she learned that as a tod- dler she had been left alone in her crib for hours at a time. Her dia- pers were seldom changed and many times she went to sleep hungry. When Susan got older her parents would often go out drinking at night and leave her all alone, and she remembered that many times there was no food in the house. Her mother was far more concerned about pleasing her father than she was about taking care of her chil- dren, and Susan rarely remembered her mother hugging or kissing her. Her father was sometimes affectionate toward Susan, but usually only after he’d had a few drinks. Then he’d put her on his lap and tickle her until she cried.
As an adult, Susan was unable to experience real love. She had a few friends and some lovers, but she could not sustain an ongoing
relationship. She found it impossible to trust people and couldn’t believe anyone could really care about her. If someone was nice to her, she assumed the person must want something from her. She always managed to find a way to push people away—either by being overly critical of them or by being too aloof. In general, Susan felt alone in the world and was afraid she’d always be alone. She knew there was something missing inside her and that she desperately needed help.
By neglecting her daughter in such a severe way, Susan’s mother had sent her the message that she was unlovable. As children tend to blame themselves for their parents’ neglect and mistreatment, it was the only conclusion Susan could come to.
Your parents need not have ignored your physical needs in order for you to have felt neglected. This is how Megan described her neglect- ful mother: “My mother hardly ever touched me as I was growing up. She didn’t hug me or hold me. And she didn’t praise me or encourage me. In fact, she hardly took an interest in me. I was just a responsibil- ity to her—a burden really—someone she was supposed to take care of, someone she was supposed to love. But I don’t know if she knew how to love. She knew how to do motherly things, like cooking and making sure my clothes were clean, but she never cared about my feelings or my emotional needs.”
Inadequate Parents
Many parents neglect their children because they are simply inca- pable of being good parents. A person with low self-esteem will feel fearful and inadequate about being a parent and may be so afraid of making a mistake that she doesn’t do much parenting at all. Or she may be so afraid of losing her children’s love that she becomes too lenient. In other situations, the parent may be so overwhelmed with her own unmet needs or problems that she cannot focus on her chil- dren. Some may even look to their children for emotional support. The inadequate, immature parent often communicates to her children that she needs them to encourage and protect her, or to take care of her and boost her ego.
This was the case with Jackie. By the time she was five years old, she had already taken on the role of parent to her mother. Jackie’s mother cried often—usually about Jackie’s father, who had divorced her when Jackie was three—or about her own mother and her own neglectful childhood. Jackie would wipe away her mother’s tears and tell her things would be okay.
To make matters worse, whenever Jackie became upset with her mother (rightfully so, because her mother neglected her so much), her mother would start to cry and say things like “I know you think I am a horrible mother” or “You’re just punishing me because I don’t make you the center of my universe.” Because of this Jackie came to believe that it was selfish of her to expect that her own needs should be met.
Greg’s mother was completely overwhelmed with life. She didn’t seem to be able to function on her own without her husband or her son’s support. Greg’s father was frequently away at work as a traveling salesman, and his mother stayed in bed most of the time he was away, complaining of severe headaches. Instead of getting up in the morn- ing to make Greg’s breakfast, she would smile sweetly when he came into her bedroom in the morning and ask him if he minded getting her a cup of tea and some toast. Greg attempted to compensate for his mother’s personality deficiencies by solving her problems. Whenever she complained to him about not being able to get up to do the house- work or the grocery shopping, Greg volunteered to do it for her. When she worried that his father might be seeing other women when he was on the road, Greg reassured her that his father loved her and that he wouldn’t do such a thing. When she worried about losing her figure, he assured her that she was beautiful.
Many children with alcoholic parents are burdened with the request—spoken or unspoken—to “take care of me.” These children find it necessary to make excuses for their parents’ behavior, assist them when they are drunk and falling down, and even get them med- ical help.
Diana was the oldest child in an alcoholic family. From the time she was seven years old her parents left her in charge of her three younger siblings while they went to the bar at night. Later on, in her adolescence, her mother stopped drinking due to serious medical
problems, so it became Diana’s job to drive her father to the bar and wait for him to come out so he wouldn’t get picked up for drunk driving.
The Mirror Neglectful Parents Hold Up to Their Children
You no doubt have seen news reports on the orphans in countries such as Hungary and Romania who stand or sit in their cribs looking ema- ciated and forlorn. Many of these children rock back and forth to comfort themselves. The reason they are in such bad shape is not because they are not being fed adequately; it is because they are not being held. An infant or child who is severely deprived of emotional nurturing, even though physically well cared for, can fail to thrive and eventually die. There is even a name for this condition. It is called
marasmus
. Physical nurturing is so important that even after these children are adopted by well-meaning American families, they con- tinue to suffer from severe problems, such as an inability to form an emotional bond with their parents, extreme acting out, and rage, depression, and radically low self-esteem.Less severe forms of early emotional deprivation usually result in babies who grow into anxious and insecure children who are slow to develop or have low self-esteem. A child who is physically or emotion- ally neglected will tend to be either extremely needy or extremely defensive. He or she may either exhibit clinging behavior and depend- ency or be unable to emotionally bond with others, as was the case with Susan. Child neglect often leads to aggressive behavior in chil- dren and continues into adulthood if not treated.
Exercise: Identifying the Ways You Were Neglected
Put a checkmark beside each item that describes how you were treated by your parents or other caregivers. My parent or parents:
Ignored me or did not respond to my needs when I was an infant or toddler, including leaving me in a crib or playpen too long or not changing my diapers.
Forced me to feed myself before I was able or to eat solid food, or before I was able to chew or digest properly.
Did not provide me with adequate clothing, such as a warm coat in the winter.
Did not bathe me regularly or wash my clothes.
Ignored my physical needs; did not provide me with med- ical or dental care when needed.
Did not provide me physical nurturing, such as holding, or did not comfort me when I was upset.
Frequently left me alone for days or weeks in the care of others.
Left me alone with an irresponsible or abusive caretaker.
On more than one occasion forgot to pick me up at the movies or after school.
Forced me to live in an uninhabitable place (drafty, unclean, unsafe).
Did not get out of bed to take care of my needs.
Did not allow me to leave my room or my home for long hours, days, or weeks.
Neglected me because they were alcohol abusers or drug users.