Heal Me (A Touched Trilogy Book 2) (17 page)

Hannah was content to chew on her toys, so I stared at the screen until Micah came back with the popcorn. He sat beside me and pulled my legs overtop his, resting his arms across my knees. Everything about it felt so natural, yet it wasn’t. Even after his apology, after I said it was okay, I still felt wrong. There was something there, more than the things he’d said, that twisted me inside. I wanted that comfortableness between us back. I could relax into the couch, resting my legs over his, and he could draw little patterns on my jeans. Even before we’d started having sex, I’d been able to be with him and feel like being me was enough. Now I felt like he expected me to do or say things that I didn’t know I should. Did he want me to be that weak and spineless person he’d assumed I was, or did he want to see me as I really was? Who was I? I didn’t think I was fragile and weak.

We sat motionless on the couch, maybe because neither of us really wanted to make the first move again. I couldn’t even remember who had made the first move before, but it felt like it mattered even more now. I coughed and my legs twitched. His fingers pressed into my jeans in response. Hannah started to fuss and I tucked my legs close to my body so Micah could pull her up onto his lap. The loss of contact did nothing to calm the questions still racing through my mind.

An hour into the movie, Micah got up to put Hannah to bed. When he came back, he sat closer than before and tugged my legs over his as if nothing was different. It felt like nothing was. We were moving like normal again. He brushed my hair away from my face and I let my fingers drift across his arm, loving the contrast between my pale fingers and his tanned forearm.

“We’re okay, right?” he asked. His hazel eyes looked almost pleading. “I mean, all that crap I...I just want you to know that your my friend. My best friend. And the other stuff is just...”

“Benefits.”

He cracked a sideways smile, making it hard to stay mad at him. “Yeah. I mean, who else is gonna wanna spend their weekends watching movies or going to the park with me and Hannah?”

“You might be under estimating Hannah’s cuteness factor.” And his own hotness factor.

He ran his fingers along my cheek before leaning in to kiss me. And as quick as that, I was consumed. Not by any negative emotions, but with relief that I had my friend again, that maybe I still had a chance to show him that we should be more, because that really was what I wanted. And maybe it wasn’t fair to let him think I didn’t want more, but I was okay with not being fair. We stretched out on the couch and I curled around him, trying to press away that nagging sense of something forgotten, but the bitter churning of if finally pulled me back.

“What plans?” I asked, not even realizing I’d remembered until the words burst out.

“What?” He nuzzled my neck. His breath was so warm, goose bumps broke out along my arms, and I struggled to focus.

“Last week you mentioned you had plans for Friday night. What plans?”

“Oh, uh, I went out.” He slowly sat back up. The distance between us filled with the radiating heat of his guilt.

“With who?” I sat up as well and watched him stare at the television unseeing until his eyes closed on a sigh.

“Lils...” He rolled his head back and stared at the ceiling.

“With who?”

“I thought you were okay with this just being benefits. That we weren’t dating, or anything.”

“With who?”

He plowed his fingers through his short hair and rested his elbows on his knees. This must have been what Chloe saw earlier. Chloe had looked as sick as he did. Chloe.

“Chloe.”

I’d never considered myself stupid until that moment. With one confession, one word, one name, he had managed to make me feel so completely blinded by my lack of awareness to reality. Everything had been there. His random questions about where she was, if she was dating Andrew, the flirting.

“We went out for coffee.”

He didn’t drink coffee, but Chloe did. I stood up and grabbed my shoes from the shoe rack.

“It wasn’t a date or anything. We just hung out. We’re friends.”

“With benefits?”

He didn’t answer.

I put my shoes on and then finally looked back at him. “I can’t do this with you anymore. No benefits. No friends. I thought that maybe I could...but just the idea of you and my sister-”

“I told you it wasn’t like that.” He rose and walked toward me, his arms crossed defensively over his chest.

“So it was just like hanging out with Nathan? Or Phoebe? Or maybe just like with Owen? Do you hang out with him secretly, too?”

“This isn’t fair, Lily. You told me you were okay with us just being...”

“Being what? Friends?” I asked. He stared back at me and I realized what an absolute fool I had been, even after everything that had proven this exact point. “Because friends don’t humiliate each other in public. Friends don’t ridicule you for things beyond your fault. I was never your friend, Micah. I was just some fuck-buddy.”

He didn’t say anything, maybe from shock, because apparently this was not the meek little me he was expecting, which was perfectly fine by me. I snatched up my purse and stormed out the door.

I wanted numbness, to have that sense of nothingness back, but it was gone, and in its place was a vast sense of betrayal and humiliation. Even the evening breeze couldn’t cool the heat of those feelings. They burned inside me and I wished I were able to simply touch my own chest and push those feelings out, to heal myself. My pace picked up until I was full out running down the street. I wanted to put everything to do with Micah behind me, yet it was as though every step I took brought me closer to the realization that I couldn’t out run what I’d done.

When I finally stopped running, I froze in place, looking up at the house in front of me. It was the same as it had always been. The white siding with forest green trim, neatly painted, with gold plated numbers and doorbell were all unchanged. Dylan’s house. Would it be the same inside? How could it be? Dylan was gone and I was still here.

One glaring difference shocked me to the core. A ‘for sale’ sign hung in the yard, underneath it a smaller sign swung slowly in the breeze proclaiming it sold.

The Bishops were moving. How could his parents leave the one place Dylan would always be? How could they not? Hadn’t I done everything I could to push away the memory of him?

My feet carried me forward along the driveway, across the round step stones, and up the front steps. I didn’t push the bell. Instead, I paused there, remembering the last time I’d stood at this door. I’d felt so relieved with my decision to break up with him, so glad that it was finally going to be over. Then he’d answered the door and he’d been Dylan again. He’d smiled and I’d remembered why I was with him. Yet, it hadn’t stopped me from deserting him. When he’d needed me and my gift the most, I left him to deal with all of his pain on his own and he’d killed himself rather than suffer through it.

I collapsed to the steps crying, my entire body shaking with the force. I was a horrible person. I’d abandoned Dylan, who had loved me unconditionally, who had dealt with all of my weirdness and loved me for it. I’d had sex with Micah, let him use me, embarrass me, and now I had nothing. What good was I as a healer if I couldn’t heal the people I loved or even myself?

A touch on my shoulder startled me and I twisted around. Mrs. Bishop stood behind me, her face a stark white against her short black bob and red-rimmed eyes. She’d always been one of those overly smiley people, incessantly happy about everything in her life. The frown lines around her mouth made me think she hadn’t smiled since the night of Dylan’s death.

We didn’t say anything as she helped me up and led me inside. I waited for a transfer, but it never came even though she was obviously hurting. We stood in the foyer, unmoving, our hands gripping each other. In that moment, she was my lifeline, keeping me aware that this was reality and forcing me to accept what was.

When she finally let go of my hand, I went upstairs to Dylan’s room alone. All of the doors along the hall were open, except the one to the bathroom next to Dylan’s room. The bathroom where he had shot himself. My hand grazed the doorknob as I passed by. It was cold and unmoved, a place of deep sadness that pushed through my gift and made me ache. I knew no one had been in there in months. The entire house had an unlived in emptiness to it.

Dylan’s door was partly open. He never left it open. It drove him nuts knowing his mom or dad could peek in at any time. I pushed it open the rest of the way and stepped in. Nothing had changed. It was as if he might walk in at any moment and pick up his life right where he’d left off. His laptop was propped open on his bed, and a few dirty shirts lay carelessly on the floor. I reached down and picked them up, turning them right side out. One was his favorite shirt, a blue v-neck with a quote and picture of Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory. He used to watch that show obsessively. I smoothed it out and then placed it in his half-full hamper. The room still smelled of him, comforting and spicy, though there was a dusty odor that clung to the air as well.

I ran my hand along the top of his bookshelf, leaving a clean trail through the dust that had begun to settle. His science fair trophies were dusty too and I picked them up, rubbing them clean with my shirt, knowing they represented some of his proudest moments. As I put the last one back, I knocked over a photo that had been resting against the wall. It slid between the wall and the shelf, so I knelt down and managed to grasp the photo between my fingertips. When I looked at it, I recognized it instantly. It was a copy of the Sea World photo when we’d looked happy and in love. I’d stared at this same picture months ago, wondering why I was still with Dylan. I knew now that I was in love with him, but that didn’t matter. Dylan was gone and I needed to move on. I put the photo back. I didn’t need another reminder of everything I’d lost.

I closed his laptop and pushed it aside so I could lay down on his bed. Even with the lights on, I could pick out the patterns within the stars on his ceiling. They were the exact same as the ones he’d laid out on mine.

Time ceased to move. I could have laid there a hours or hours until finally I pulled myself up and stood on the bed. Wobbling slightly, I reached up to the stars and peeled one off. Sliding it into my pocket, I hopped off the bed and glanced around one last time. I wouldn’t come back.

“It’s so hard,” Mrs. Bishop said from the door. I turned to look at her. “I keep trying to face it, but...”

She was trying not to cry. The heat of her suffering wafted to me, twisting my insides with the fire it started. I stepped forward, wrapping my arms around her, and took in her pain, wanting for the first time in a long while to truly heal. I wanted to let her feel peace and not the overwhelming sense of loss she dealt with daily.

“I’m so sorry,” I said, the words choking me as I forced them out. I let go of her when the transfer stopped.

“We’re...we’re packing his things up tomorrow. It’s all that’s left to pack. We sold the house and...If there’s anything you’d like...”

“No, I have...I have everything I need.” I rubbed my hand across my pocket, feeling the outline of the star. She walked me to the door and watched as I headed down the steps.

“Lily,” she called softly and I turned back. “Thank you. Thank you for everything you did for him. I’ll never know why he did what he did, but I know that if he hadn’t had you, we would have had a lot less time with him.”

I just nodded, wishing I could truly believe her. Yet part of me knew he might have gotten the help he needed if I hadn’t spent so much time trying to just take away his hurt.

The walk home left me aching for the touch of someone, the heat of their anger, the warmth of their body, but no one was coming. The house was empty when I got home. A note stuck to the fridge said they’d decided to take Nanna to the grocery store before dropping her at home. I filled a glass of water then went down to my room, the creaks of the house echoing around me.

My room was cold, and I shivered as I pulled a sweatshirt from my dresser. It was one of my dad’s old ones that he claimed my sisters and I had ‘dented it’ after wearing so much. I’d managed to keep it out of Phoebe and Chloe’s hands by hiding it under the ugly Christmas sweaters Nanna bought me every year. The sweatshirt was well worn, thinning from years of wear and washing, its once deep blue color faded to a muted grayish blue. It warmed my outsides, but did little to heat the chill in my soul.

I pulled out Dylan’s star I had taken and climbed up on my bed, struggling to place it in the exact spot. It kept falling off, the stickiness gone. Finally, I grabbed some superglue from my craft box and stuck the star up. I turned off the lights and lay down. My constellations were complete again, and for the first time in a long while I didn’t feel so hollow. Cold, but not hollow.

Chapter 13

Worry and guilt invaded my sleep., piercing the cold inside of me. As much as I hated the chill, I didn’t want to suffer from what she felt as well.

“Lils? Are you awake?”

I rolled over to stare at Chloe. She looked sick and all of the other emotions I felt from her. She thought I was angry at her, but I didn’t blame her for what happened. She hadn’t known Micah and I were more than friends. She didn’t intentionally, or even knowingly, hurt me. That didn’t mean I wanted to take those feelings away from her though. I wanted someone to feel the way I did.

“I’m so sorry, Lils. I had no idea that you and Micah...I didn’t know.” She took a step closer. I could feel within her a spark of hope flare that I would take away her guilt. “Nothing happened. I swear. We had coffee. That’s it. It wasn’t really a date.”

“I don’t need Phoebe’s gift to know you’re lying.” Their denials, their guilt, just didn’t match their words. I rolled back over so I didn’t have to see it. “It doesn’t matter anyways. It’s not like Micah and I were dating.”

She tried to say more, but I pulled the blanket over my head and covered my ears. She finally gave up and left. The absence of her emotions was a welcome void. I turned onto my back and gazed at Dylan’s stars. They were complete. Every piece was there, but they still weren’t right. The ones he had placed weren’t glowing as bright green as the one I’d taken from his room. It was smaller than the others, as well. I stared at it until my eyes couldn’t stay open any longer and I drifted off to sleep.

Micah gave me space the next day, at least until the end of school. I had gone to the library to work on my homework, knowing Chloe wouldn’t leave me alone once I got home. I’d figured the library would be a safe zone from sisterly harassment. I hadn’t figured on Micah coming by.

“Hey,” he said as he slid into the chair across from me. I didn’t respond, simply glared at the page in front of me as my hand automatically ran the yellow highlighter along the words. “Can we talk?”

I flipped the page and started highlighting again.

“Lils, come on. I’m sorry I asked Chloe hang out without telling you about it.”

I finally spoke. “You were right, Micah. We were only friends. That was the agreement. We weren’t dating or anything. We never said anything about not dating other people.”

“Then why is this all messed up? Why won’t you look at me?”

I lifted my gaze to meet his. “There. I’m looking at you.”

“Don’t be like this, Lils. Please, I want my best friend back.”

The tip of my highlighter snapped to the side.

“Fine. Let’s be friends. Do you like her? Are you going to ask her out again? Did you kiss her? Did you run your finger along her cheek just before you kissed her? Did she kiss you behind your ear just like you like?”

“Lily...”

“I can’t be friends with you, Micah. Because I don’t want to know that you could be happy with her. I don’t want to know what you’re doing with her or anyone else.” I gave a chuckle that came out mixed with a sob. “I thought I was using you to forget and it worked. It did. For a while. But it was just an excuse, because the real reason I was with you was that I wanted you. I wanted someone who saw me for more than my gift, or as the poor little girl whose boyfriend killed himself.”

I grabbed my things from the table and shoved them in my backpack, ignoring the looks from the few students a couple tables over.

“You want to know why things are all messed up? Because I am. I am so screwed up I seriously thought you wanted me for me. Not as some body and definitely not as the sister of the girl you really wanted.” I stood and looked at him one last time. “Find yourself a new friend.”

Breaking up sucks. When I broke up with Dylan, it was hard to separate myself from him, to not constantly call him, or be with him. Yet there was also the freedom of knowing I didn’t have to tell him where I was or coming up with excuses when I wanted to be alone. Even though part of me had missed being with someone, I’d also loved how I was making friends with other people.

Breaking up when you’re not even really together sucks worse. There’s no friends picking sides, no understanding looks, or sympathy. There’s just a sudden void that you don’t know how to fill and every moment I was apart from Micah was a moment I missed him more.

I wanted my best friend back. I wanted to sit around on a Saturday afternoon and watch movies with him, but wanting something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. And Micah was definitely not good for me.

Friday night I sat in Phoebe’s desk chair listening to her and Tonya plan the birthday party. Somehow, Owen and I hadn’t managed to escape Phoebe’s grand idea to party plan and had been stuck in her room for nearly two hours. Owen was lying on his back on the floor staring at the ceiling and I figured he was either completely zoned out or on the verge of death. I was fairly certain he was dying of boredom. The first hour, I’d attempted to offer suggestions, but Tonya and Phoebe had shot down each one, probably because they both thought they had the best ideas. I gave up after the third “lame” from Phoebe. If Chloe had been there, she would have forced them to listen. But she was out. Maybe with Micah.

I didn’t really care much about the party anyway. Parties tended to be like the first day of school, only worse. Emotions would be on overdrive and cramped into a confining space where I had little chance of escape. There was no way I was going to get out of going to this one, but I didn’t plan on staying long.

Tonya and Phoebe debated on the kinds of decorations they were going to put up and I tuned them out. I pulled Phoebe’s pile of junk along the desk towards me and started sorting it out. I couldn’t believe she still had papers from last year.

“Stop that!” Phoebe swatted the papers out of my hand. “You’re supposed to be helping.”

“Is that what you call rejecting all of my suggestions?”

“Well, think of it as motivation to come up with some better ideas. How many people are we up to?” Phoebe asked, flopping onto the bed beside Tonya.

Tonya pulled up the list on her iPad. “Um, seventy-six. But that doesn’t include all the random crashers we’re gonna get. I’m so thinking of hiring someone to be like security or something.”

“Isn’t that a little excessive?” I asked. “Maybe we just shouldn’t invite so many people. Won’t your grandma be a bit upset when she finds out?”

“You mean, if she finds out. Which she won’t, because she’s gonna be gone all weekend. Besides, you try and find someone to cut,” she said and shoved the iPad at me. I scrolled through the names.

“Who is Phillip?”

“He’s a junior, but so hot. He has to come. I’m totally thinking he’s gonna be my next boyfriend.” Tonya sighed and laughed when Phoebe threw a pillow at her.

“He’s a sophomore,” Owen said, surprising us with the fact that not only was he alive, but that he was also listening to the conversation.

“So, I’m testing out my cougar abilities.” Tonya curled her fingers into a claw and gave a rawr sound.

I skimmed through the rest of the list. “What about Micah?”

“He’s not on the list.” Phoebe snatched the iPad from my hands and tossed it onto the bed.

“I noticed. Why not?”

“Seriously, Lils?” She gave me one of her are-you-insane looks, eyes wide open and brows soaring halfway to her hairline

“He’s the only senior you don’t have on there.”

“Not true,” she said. “We didn’t invite Vivian or her pimply new boyfriend, Eric.”

“You should invite Micah. He’s your friend,” I said.

“He is
not
my friend. Not after what he did.” Her eyes flicked to Tonya, before coming back to me. Well, apparently she’d managed to keep her mouth shut about something for once.

I rolled my eyes, because Phoebe’s lack of concern for others was usually a fleeting thing. “Fine, but he’s Owen’s friend, and Chloe’s, and Nathan’s. Everyone else on that list is his friend.”

“You gotta admit he’s hot, Phoebs,” Tonya said. “And that was the criteria we set for an invite. Only hotties and then a few girls we can stand. And we invited Andrew even though Chloe said she didn’t want him there.”

“Did you even hear yourself? Chloe asked us not to do something? That’s practically telling us to do it. She’s crushing on him still, so of course she’s gonna tells us not to invite him, because she totally wants him there. Lils, are you sure you want Micah there? You know we don’t give a shit if he’s offended.”

“I’m sure.” I nodded my head as she stared at me as if trying to see how serious I was. Maybe she thought I was a glutton for punishment and she was most likely right. Inviting Micah would only bring me down on what should be a fun night, but at the same time, I wanted him there.

“Alright. He’s invited, but he has to dress up as Mickey Mouse,” Phoebe said, referring to how she and Tonya had thought for the longest time that his name was Mickey. “Which reminds me, I bought my costume.”

She jumped up and rummaged through some bags on the floor of her closet, before coming out holding a wrinkled red and black pile of fabric. She started shaking it and gradually the material took the form of a dress and red cape.

“Oh, sexy Red Riding Hood. I like.” Tonya sat up and snatched the outfit from Phoebe, holding it up to herself. She twisted and gave pursed her lips in an exaggerated model face. “This would look so good on me. Maybe you should do something a little more virginal. You should spend the night reminding Nathan of what he’s gonna be getting.”

“Don’t make me puke,” Chloe said, appearing at the door. She wandered into the room, stepping over Owen. Tonya gave her a nasty look before tossing the dress back to Phoebe. “I’ve already seen enough to give me nightmares.”

“Are you just trying to annoy us, or do you have a reason for coming in here? I thought you had a date.” Phoebe tossed the dress onto the bed and I automatically picked it up, smoothing some of the creases out. I didn’t want to know about Chloe’s date. Unless it was with someone other than Micah.

“I didn’t have a date. Bianca and I were going to go to see some band play at the amphitheater, but she bailed on me. She said something about being hot and sweaty.”

Phoebe snorted. “That’s Logan. Apparently, she picked him up at the gym last week and now she thinks she’s in love. More like she thinks once her parents get a look at him, they’ll stop bugging her about all the other guys she’s brought home.”

“Is he that bad?” I wondered what could be so wrong with him.

“No, not if you think tattoos, piercings, and eyeliner on a guy are good things.”

Micah had a tattoo and though I didn’t mind it, the fact it had to do with his ex-girlfriend didn’t make it particularly attractive. Phoebe’s dress crumpled in my hands. I uncurled my fingers, stood up, and walked to the closet to hang up the costume. If I didn’t do it, no one would, and by the time the party came, it would be hopelessly wrinkled. Phoebe would just end up asking me to iron it for her at the last minute. As I stepped into her closet, three more bags fell over, spilling their contents across the floor.

“Phoebs, how many costumes did you buy?” I asked, nudging the clothes with my foot.

“What? Oh, I totally spaced. I bought you your costume, too.” She came over and snatched up one of the bags.

“You bought me a costume? Did you consider that I might want to pick out my own?” I asked.

“Oh, come on. You know you never dress up, but you have to this time. It’s
our
party. Besides this is so totally awesome!” She pulled out the costume and my eyes bulged. It was a spandex black suit.

“What am I supposed to be? Cat Woman?”

“No. You’re gonna be - what’s her name from the Avengers movie, you know Scarlett Johansson’s character.”

“Black Widow?” Chloe chimed in.

“Yeah, well she has red hair and I figured it was that or the Little Mermaid.”

Thank God for small miracles. On the other hand how bad could a Disney costume be? Anything had to be better than spandex.

“Damn, that thing is gonna be skin tight.” Tonya grabbed one leg of costume and stretched it out. “You might actually look good for once.”

“Gee, thanks.” I was starting to realize why Chloe found Tonya so annoying.

“Shut up,” Chloe sneered at Tonya.

“Ouch, that hurt.” Tonya rolled her eyes.

“Here try this on.” A black cloud of cloth fell over my head, and I pulled it off to glare at Phoebe.

“I’m not wearing this,” I said and shoved the outfit back at her. She snatched it from my hand.

“Fine.” She stomped back to the closet and yanked out another bag. “Then here’s your mermaid costume.”

“I doubt she could pull it off anyways,” Tonya said, maybe in an attempt to pacify my sister. “Lily’s way too innocent to wear something like that. She should be the tooth fairy or something.”

Phoebe snorted and muttered something like ‘innocent my ass’. She thrust the bag at me. I took it from her and went down to my bedroom. In the bag, the mermaid costume didn’t look too bad, on me it was beyond horrific. The top was basically a bikini bra and the tail was a tight floor length skirt that hung about four inches beyond the end of my legs. I pulled it off then folded it before placing it back in the bag and tugging on my robe.