Harry Putter and the Chamber of Cheesecakes (15 page)

            “I don’t remember Skippy.  What kind of dog was he?”

            “The most incredible poodle I’ve e’er seen.  He’s a fine guard dog!”

            “BINGO,” Harry thought.  “Where is he?” he asked.  He didn’t need to look around for the dog.  He knew Skippy was in that strange room on the sixth floor guarding the trapdoor.

            “Oh, I lent ’er to Grumblesnore to ’elp guard the entrance to the Chamber of Cheesecakes.” Hasbeen replied nonchalantly as he finished pouring creamy batter into a pie tin, and put it in the oven.

            Harry thought, “So Grumblesnore has known from day one where the entrance to the Chamber of Cheesecakes is.  He’s keeping curious students out, probably because the Chamber is guarded by some fantastic and dangerous beast.  We wouldn’t want kids to wander in there, now, would we?”

            “So, ’ow, I mean, how do you get past the poodle?”

            “Well, I can’t tell ya that, I’m sworn to secrecy.”

            Harry stared at Hasbeen.

            A moment later Hasbeen broke.  “Oh, all right, I’ll tell ya!  Ye hast to bring a full grown cow with ya, and while the dog is devour’n the cow, ya runs past, right quick.”

            “I see.  And do you have any other information about the Chamber of Cheesecakes?”

            “Nope! Tha’s everything.”

            Harry stared at Hasbeen. A drop of sweat dripped from the fat man’s brow, and he stole a glance over at the pie tins cooling under the towel.

            “Well, I guess that really is all you got,” said Harry rising from his chair.  “Thanks for the tea and crackers.”

            “Any time, any time.”

            As Harry climbed the hill from Hasbeen’s cabin toward the back door of Hogwashes, Hasbeen let out a sigh of relief. 

            No, Hasbeen wasn’t the Heir of the Err of Slipperin.  All the talk of cheesecake going on lately had made him pretty hungry for some.  However, there would be no explaining that to some people.  “It’s a good thing that boy is so oblivious,” thought the enormous man.

            “A full grown cow?” asked Ron. “Where are we going to get a full grown cow?  Are you mad?”

            “Have you any idea how expensive an entire cow is?”  Hermione balked.  “We don’t have that kind of cash!  We’ll have no choice but to steal one.”

            Harry stared at Hermione agape, “I think we’ve become a bad influence on you, Ms. Perfect.”

            “Well, we don’t!” she said with exasperation.

            “Of course we’ll steal one.  I’m just surprised to hear you suggesting it, that’s all. You’re usually, well, a little uptight about such things.”  He affected a terrible cowboy drawl, “Cattle-rustlin’s a hangin’ offense in these here parts, Ma’am.”

            “All right, so we have no choice but to steal one, where the heck are we going to find a cow to steal around here?  Are you mad?” asked Ron.

            “Hey, I got an idea.  Ron, why don’t you stay here at school for the holidays, and we’ll conduct a thorough search of the whole school for the recipe book, while Hermione figures out how to get a cow?”

            Ron objected, “And miss Christmas?  You are mad!”

            Hermione objected, “You’re putting this whole cow thing on me?”

            Ron added, “Look, Harry, if you want to come home with me to the Boil, you’re welcome to, but I’m not staying here for Christmas. Only a loser would stick around here.”  Ron used his wand as if it were a drumstick, “Ba Bump Ba, Ching!” 

            Harry gave him a look that said, “You’re not funny,” as Ron whacked the table with his wand and promptly broke it.

            “Now THAT’s funny!” Harry laughed at Ron’s miserable turn of events. 

            Hermione sighed.

            Ron examined his broken wand.

            Harry conceded, “All right, I’m sorry.  Cripes, I’ll stay here and search for the recipe book.  You and Hermione try to figure out where we can get a cow.”

            It never occurred to them to try and find any of the dozens of easier solution to get past the poodle than stealing a cow such as: finding a way to tranquilize the dog, using pepper spray, wearing one of the many suits of armor in Hogwashes to neutralize the dog’s teeth, or bringing Hermione’s cat, Croakshanks, along.  Croakshanks would have easily frightened the poodle.

            The next day, all the students would be heading home for the holidays, so three days before Christmas, they exchanged gifts.  Hermione gave Ron a framed picture of the two of them, and a garbage can lid.  Ron was thrilled with the garbage can lid; his old one had been badly battered during the last quibbage match.  She gave Harry a cauldron, so he’d stop losing Nerd House Cup points by being unprepared in Poisons class.

            Ron gave both Harry and Hermione socks.  His mother had knitted them herself.

            Harry gave Hermione an overdue library book.  She had taken it out for Harry back in October.  Harry had never returned it.  She had been nagging him for two months to give it back.  She was very happy to receive it. 

            Harry gave Ron an acoustic guitar.

            “Wow!  Where did you get it?” asked Ron, impressed.

            “Internet,” Harry lied.

            Harry spent Christmas Eve playing poker with the ghosts.  They all warmly congratulated him on the fact that he was still alive and making an exciting contest for those who had wagered upon his survival at the beginning of the year.  Those who bet against him admitted that they never expected him to last this long. 

            During the days that followed, Harry conducted an extensive search of Hogwashes.  He even searched the girls’ bathrooms and Grumblesnore’s office.  He didn’t find any recipe books.  Nor during all that time he spent alone wandering the school, did he ever come across a cheesecake vending machine.  Harry had a feeling, if he was meant to come across a cheesecake buying opportunity, one would have appeared to him by now.

            He spent New Year’s Eve playing poker with the ghosts while a blizzard blanketed the school grounds in a meter and a half of snow.  Hogwashes looked beautiful covered in snow and icicles.  Lake Iwannabealifeguard was frozen over.  If the other kids were around they could have had a wonderful snowball fight.  Instead, Harry spent the next two weeks watching television all day in his underwear, and getting hooked on several ridiculously silly soap operas in the process.     

            Finally, the students and teachers returned.  When people asked Harry how his Christmas had been, he replied, “Good.”  It was much easier than explaining how boring and severely lacking in holiday festivity the whole time had actually been. 

            Harry reported to Ron and Hermione there were no recipe books anywhere within Hogwashes.  Hermione concluded, “Whoever the Heir of the Err was, he had taken the recipe book home with him for the holidays.  The Heir was keeping his secret carefully guarded.”

            Ron asked, “How do you know it’s a he?”

            Though she had meant he or she, Hermione sniffed, “Girls are never that stupid.”

            Ron was very proud to report that he had located a dairy farm approximately twenty-two kilometers away where they could attempt to steal a cow.

            “That’s nothing,” said Hermione.  “I located a small ranch that’s only six kilometers away.”

            “Six kilometers!  Wow, this is going to be easy!” said Harry.

            “Not quite, it’s on the other side of the Forbidden Forest of Sure Death.”

            “Well, we can forget about that then,” Ron laughed nervously, “right?”

            “Actually, no,” Hermione replied.

            “Crap, I knew you’d want to go to your own farm, instead of mine!  Why?  Why can’t we just this once do things the safe way,” spluttered Ron.

            “Well, where do you want to go, Ron?  The Hogwashes kitchen?  They don’t even use real beef there.  Your farm’s twenty-some kilometers from here.  We can’t walk over twenty kilometers, steal a cow, and get back without being missed.  We’ll all be expelled.”

            Harry chimed in, “Yeah, don’t be such a COWard, Ron!  Get it?  COW-ard!  We’ve been to the Forbidden Forest of Sure Death before, and it’s not so bad.  And I doubt we’ll run into any of those nasty giant spiders this time.”

            “What?  I’m not worried about spiders.”

            Harry and Hermione burst out in laughter. 

            “Well, I’m not!  Maybe I was afraid of the…gulp…. five meter spiders four years ago, but I’m not afraid of ‘em anymore.”

            Hermione pulled out her wand and said, “Unga Bunga Bunga Binga Binga Binga Bunga.”  She waived the wand and a silver-blue light struck the portrait of the two fat ladies at the entrance to the Nerd House.  They changed into an enormous portrait of two fat spiders.  The spiders seemed eager to get off the canvas and eat them.

            Ron backed away with a revolted look on his face.

            Harry imitated Ron, “What?  I’m not afraid of … gulp … spiders.”

            Ron became furious, “That’s it.  I’m sick of you two, go find a cow yourselves.  I’m not going to risk getting expelled for you two losers!”

            Harry apologized, “Sorry, Ron, that was very immature of us.”  Hermione turned the portrait back to the fat ladies, nodding her head in agreement with what Harry said.

            Harry held out his hand and asked, “Friends?”

            Ron’s ego relaxed with the sincerity of Harry’s apology, and he almost grabbed Harry’s hand to shake it, but then he saw the tarantula Harry was holding out to him.

            “Very funny!” Ron said indignantly and turned to leave.  Harry was laughing.

            Hermione grabbed Ron’s arm.  “Oh stop, Ron, with all those brothers and sisters, can’t you take a joke?  We were just teasing.  But seriously, if you aren’t afraid of spiders….”

            At this Harry started to laugh out of control.  She gave Harry a serious look, and it turned out he was able to control his laughter rather quickly. 

            “If you aren’t afraid of spiders, what are you scared of?  Werewolves?”

            “No!” said Ron with all the indignation he could summon.

            “Well, what then?”

            “I just don’t … want to run into any …”

            “Any what?”

            “Squirrels.”

            “Squirrels?” blinked Hermione.

            “Yeah, squirrels.”

            “Well, don’t worry about that, Ron, there aren’t any squirrels in the Forbidden Forest of Sure Death.”

            Ron gave Hermione a puzzled look.

            “The spiders ate them all,” she explained.

            It had been the coldest winter Harry could remember.  Grumblesnore was too big of a cheapskate to keep the school warm enough in this weather.  Students began wearing coats, gloves, and hats to class.  The snow on the ground lasted for weeks.  Smaller snowfalls had added to the accumulation.  Everyone was getting sick of the dreariness outside.

            Ron, Harry, and Hermione decided to wait until the spring thaw before they would steal a cow.  Hermione said, “It will be bad enough trying to drag a cow through five kilometers of deadly forest without adding snow to the equation.”  Harry kept praying for an early spring. 

            They also decided when the time came, to cut Poisons class.  They needed to make sure that they got back before it got dark out.  The trip would be far less dangerous if they could avoid being in the Forbidden Forest of Sure Death at night.  For Harry it was a bonus to miss Poisons class with his least favorite teacher, Ape.  Hermione as usually was upset about the idea of missing class, but when Harry pointed out that the Forbidden Forest of Sure Death was also educational, she had to agree.  Harry even suggested that she bring a binder and take notes, and it wasn’t too long before Hermione was getting excited and packing various other school items for the trip, her objections forgotten. 

              During this time, Spleen Thomas and Shameonus Finnigan, Harry’s and Ron’s roommates disappeared without a trace.  Like with Professor McGooglesnot’s disappearance, it was a total mystery.  The same rumors were tossed around explaining the sudden and suspected abductions.  Most agreed that they must be captives in the Chamber of Cheesecakes.

            During this time, there were also three more of the usual cheesecake attacks.  Amber Glow, Moe Money, and Benevolent Dictator were the victims.  Harry didn’t have a clue who any of them even were.  The names seemed oddly familiar, but he couldn’t even place a face with the names.  That is, until all their faces appeared in the Daily Asylum.  Hermione unfolded the paper one morning, and the story was on the front page, including a picture of each of the victims, now thirteen in all.  The headline read: