Hand of Thorns (7 page)

"I... just... it's..." I stutter, unable to tell her the truth. Because how do I do that?

"You just, it's... it's what? You're not telling me something!" Her voice grows louder.

Bowing my head, I say, "I didn't want to tell you yet."

"That you're sleeping with Leon fucking Owens?"

"What?" I lift my head, almost wanting to laugh, except that she truly looks furious with me. "No. No, it's not like that."

"Then what is it like?"

Suddenly the door opens, and in walks Rochelle with Penelope behind her. The door closes once more and Penelope shakes her head at Sumner. "Stop it. Let her explain."

"Oh, because suddenly the two of you are so damn buddy buddy. What? Are you knocked up too?" Sumner glances at me, the sarcasm on her face contours into seriousness. "Wait... you're pregnant? With Leon fucking Owens’ kid?"

I roll my eyes. "It's complicated."

"How is
that
complicated? It's pretty fucking simple to me."

"Let her explain, Sumner," Penelope repeats.

"Damn, y'all, this is entertaining." Rochelle leans against the wall, overlooking the catfight.

I hate that this is how I have to tell her. "I don't know if I'm pregnant."

"So you did sleep with him?"

"No."

"Then... what?" Sumner crosses her arms over her chest, completely annoyed, confused, and angry. Maybe even a few other things too, but I'm not going to guess everything, because currently I'm trying to figure out how to tell her truth.

Taking a deep breath, I close my eyes. "I decided to surrogate for them."

The entire bathroom goes completely silent.

After a second, I open my eyes to look at Sumner. Her jaw is ticking back and forth, but I can't read her thoughts.

"So..." Rochelle starts in. "You are pregnant or you're planning to get pregnant, or what? Because I'm fucking lost."

Penelope sighs for me. "She doesn't know if she is pregnant, but she is trying to carry a child for them. It's a beautiful gesture, and something completely selfless but terrifying. She was going to tell us all this week, I happened to guess beforehand, that is the only reason I know already. Let's all support her. She needs us."

"Not too much, apparently. She can't even ask her best friend for advice or tell her the truth." Sumner's words slice through me. "Don't bother calling me." She opens the bathroom door, slamming it on her way out.

We all jump at the sound, then look at one another. I'm waiting for someone to say anything, because God knows I can't think of anything to say. Finally Rochelle whispers, "Well, I'm certainly not one to judge. I lived in Sin City, I have a lot of secrets." She winks at me, trying to break the ice.

Penelope runs her hand over my shoulder. "It may seem impossibly tough right now, but Sumner will come around, and you still got us. It'll all be okay, I promise."

I appreciate her efforts and want to swim in her words, but right now... I'm not sure what the hell I got myself into.

Two days after the Fourth it was confirmed through blood work that I am in fact pregnant. Although I previously had that gut intuition that I was prior to the test, it was a surreal moment to actually hear those words. "
It was successful. You are officially pregnant!"
I wanted to cry with happiness, and possibly a bit out of fear as well. But what really set my emotions off was when Ellie jumped into Leon's arms and cried out, "
We're pregnant! We're having a baby!"

I get her excitement, and I'm truly happy for them. I'm simply being a big, giant baby about it all, and it made me feel wretched that I don't actually have anyone to share the excitement with, because it's not actually
my
baby. I obviously knew that from the beginning, but hearing it said out loud and experiencing it the way I did was still pretty displeasing.

In part it had to do with watching Ellie and Leon, the way their faces both lit up. Watching them share their kiss, and knowing that they're going to be an adorable, happy family. It does bring a sense of excitement to me, to know that I am the cause of their happiness. That because of me, they're able to be a family at all. It really is an incredible feeling. It's just... a pathetic, insecure part of me wishes I were Ellie, and this was mine and Leon's.

I've practiced over these three weeks to erase those feelings. There is absolutely no reason I should feel that way, and I blame them fully on the hormones. I also blame some of my gloominess on the fact that Sumner still has not spoken with me since the fourth. She won't return any of my phone calls or texts, and when I showed up at her house last week, her mom swore up and down Sumner was gone, even though her car was in the driveway.

It's been tough, but surprisingly I've had Penelope to help me with a lot. She picked up a part time job for the summer, and thankfully for them William is working full time for his father's country club, so they'll have more than enough money for when the baby comes. Currently they're working on finding their own place, rather than staying with William's dad like they've been doing the last year.

Today, however, I feel like I have no one once more. I lay on the table with my stomach exposed, listening to the doctors speak to one another as if I'm not here. They're currently waiting on Ellie and Leon to get here, since today is my first ultrasound.

Since we had two implantations, they want to see exactly how far along I am, and use the ultrasound to determine as well how many babies I'm carrying. Babies. I know they mentioned there could be more than one, but it didn't register until I was lying here. I don't want to carry babies. A baby, yes, but more than one? Hell no.

It's not a choice I can make, everything is too late to back out from now. The good news though, is as of today I get my first check from the agency, and from here on out I'll receive it in installments the further along I get. I can help my mom with the current house payment that is already getting behind. So although everything has been tough already, and I know it's going to be a long struggle until the end, I can already see it's worth in so many ways. A true miracle- helping me and my mom survive, and giving Ellie and Leon what they've apparently been wanting for so long.

My heart starts to thump twice as hard when someone knocks on the door. The doctor opens it, and in walks Ellie dressed as if this is Paris, with Leon walking behind her clothed in a dress shirt and tie. He looks like he just left an office, and for the first time ever, I can justify how sexy that look truly is.

I have told myself over and over though that I can no longer think of Leon that way. As sexy, or beautiful, or handsome, or breathtaking. I can no longer imagine that we are about to have this child together. I can no longer dream of a different future, one with him. Because this feeble school girl crush of mine has gotten out of hand.

So I ignore his presence the best I can. I ignore the aching nervousness of having him in my surroundings. I pretend he doesn't glance at me with those particularly tormenting eyes. It's not easy, but it's manageable.

"This will be a little warm," the doctor states. She squirts some gel onto my lower stomach, and it is in fact extremely warm. She presses the wand into my stomach, spreading the gel around before pressing even harder. Suddenly a thump, thump sound surrounds us, then she says, "Look here. This little potato shape here is your baby."

She continues to explain the different things she is doing, giving us a heart rate of one-sixty-seven, and informing us of an official due date being March twenty first- which is only four days after Penelope.

Once the ultrasound is finished, the other doctor turns on the lights while the x-ray technician cleans my stomach. She hands the pictures over to Ellie, and I'm a little jealous. I know it's not my baby, but I
am
carrying the child. Another thing I need to work on- my jealously issues. I have no reason to be jealous. I chose this, so again, I blame the hormones. After all, Marney did tell me I'm going to feel emotional, vulnerable, and many other things throughout the pregnancy, especially the first and last trimester.

Sitting up, the doctor starts to talk about my next appointment, and which ones will be the most important to all of us. When we're finished, the doctors and technician step out, and in walks Marney with a bright smile on her face.

"How exciting was that?" she asks, looking first to Ellie then to me.

Ellie has tears in her eyes, which I hadn't noticed until now. My heart sinks over the fact I've been feeling so uptight about her. Maybe she isn't so bad after all. She obviously has a heart, and it's in the right place, and that is what truly matters, whether she is normally fake acting or not.

"So wonderful," Ellie states emotionally. "Beautiful. I loved it. I thought I was excited before, but now I have this whole new anxious feeling. I can't wait to meet the little potato."

Leon reaches for her hand, holding it while she leans into him, smiling ear to ear. He stares over at the monitor, then to Marney. For what seems like the first time, he isn't looking at me.

I look at Marney as well, just as she gives me a questioning look. "How do you feel?"

"That was incredible," I tell her. "It definitely is an intense feeling."

"I'm happy you feel that way. It's good to know when our surrogate moms feel a connection to the baby."

I don't know what more to say to that, so I smile at her while climbing off the exam table. I sit in the chair to put on my shoes.

"Oh, those can't be comfortable," Ellie states. I look up to see if she's speaking to me or not. "Those shoes. They've got to be ages old."

Looking down to confirm I am in fact wearing my new sneakers Dad bought me a month before he passed, I glance back up at her. "They're pretty new, actually. Comfortable too."

"I don't know," she questions. This is the Ellie I dis-like. The high maintenance one that can't keep a thought to herself. "I think that you should make your way over to Margaret Joanne's, they can custom fit shoes to you, to make sure you're not adding too much pressure to different parts of your feet. I would hate for your ankles to swell due to wearing cheap shoes."

I continue to stare, blinking a couple times, while feeling three inches tall. After a moment of overall silence, I finally give in her to insult. "Sure. I can do that this week."

"Oh, good. That'll make me happy. I'll even help pay for them. Only the best for you and our peanut."

Marney closes up the appointment by going over some of the things the doctor already talked about, mainly what I need to be doing to stay healthy for the baby, things to eat and avoid, limit my stress, and a million things I already know. Then she tells us, as the previous doctor, what to look forward to at the next few visits.

"So how soon will be know the gender?" Ellie asks.

"Typically seventeen weeks, sometimes it's harder with a first pregnancy, so we may have to try for twenty weeks."

"Oh, I thought you could take blood and figure it out with science."

Marney nods her head. "We could, but we try not to. Even so, that wouldn't be until another seven or eight weeks, since we are technically six weeks into the pregnancy."

"Can we leave it open as an option?"

"Certainly. Another thing Monica will have to agree on though."

They both look to me, and I feel like I'm caught with my hand in the cookie jar. I shrug, unsure how to answer. "I don't care how you find out the gender."

Without a thank you or anything, Ellie continues to speak with Marney. "Lastly, for the next three weeks I'll be in New York City for work. I know the next appointment isn't for four weeks, but if there happens to be any reason for Monica to be in office, would you please Face Time me or something? I'd like to be available for all her appointments."

"Absolutely, that would not be a problem whatsoever. Do you have any more questions or concerns you would like to discuss with Monica or myself while we're all here?"

"Oh, I don't think so. Babe?" She looks up to Leon, who is still looking anywhere but at me.

"I can't think of anything."

"Okay, so I will keep in touch. Have a safe trip, Ellie." Marney walks them to the door, closing it behind them as they leave.

She looks to me with a small smile on her face, not nearly as enthusiastic as before. "Are you ready for your first counseling session?"

"No choice, right?" I laugh playfully, but it comes out dull.

"You do have a choice, but it
is
highly recommended. Only once a month until you're at thirty five weeks. It really isn't so bad, and you'll be able to leave when you feel like it."

I nod my head, standing from the bench. "Then I'm ready."

The counselor is much older than Marney and myself, probably in her mid-to-late fifties. She has on thick glasses, and her face is framed with choppy dark brown hair. She is a heftier woman who wears clothes straight from the nineties, but she is polite in her briefing, and starts out asking simple questions that I have no issues talking about.

Then she asks, "How did you feel during the ultrasound?" And I'm left feeling indifferent.

"I don't really know," I answer honestly.

"Why is that?"

"I felt a lot of things, but I also felt... empty. I don't think I can explain it."

"Believe it or not, that is common. The fetus is growing inside of you, and you're experiencing all the hormones and emotions, but you have your brain warning you not to get attached. It's sending out signals all over your body, letting it know this is going to be tough. This is why it's extremely important you have a support system behind you. You do have friends and family helping, correct?"

Bowing my head in shame, I admit that I haven't told my mom yet. I also tell her about everything that happened with Sumner, but how I have Rochelle and Penelope helping me. She gives me options on different ways to tell my mom, with the probability of having a friend with me when I do so. Then she gives me guidance with everything that happened with Sumner. By the end of the counseling session, I
do
feel a lot better. She helped clarify my thoughts and gave me the encouragement I needed.

Walking out of the building, I check my phone for messages or calls. I have one text from my mom, asking if I'll be there for supper. I've been avoiding her lately, scared on how to tell her about everything, especially watching her gradually do better with her addiction and grief.

I type out a message telling her I'll be there sometime after five. Then suddenly I scream out when someone's hand touches my shoulder. Quickly turning, I go to swing for whoever it is, just to be frozen in place by bright silver eyes.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you." Leon's face looks anything but sorry. In fact, he looks purely amused.

Taking a couple deep breathes to ease my pounding heart, I take a step back from Leon, knowing the proximity of one another is far too close. "It's fine. I really wasn't expecting anyone I know to be around here. Or to touch me without saying something first."

He runs his hand over the scruff on his face, while still looking seductive with his half smile. Except, I told myself not to think that, so I look away from him, pretending to be in a bit of a hurry.

"Looking for someone?" he asks.

"Just my car." I realize seconds after I say that that we're nowhere near the parking lot, and I'm definitely not looking around like I can't find my car. I'm looking... well, pathetic.

He doesn't say as much, but when I sneak a look back over at him, he continues to stare at me with enjoyment.

"What are you still doing here anyway?" I ask. My appointment was over an hour long after they left.

"Wanted to celebrate."

"Celebrate what?"

"Were you not in that room?" He points back to the building. "Did you not see what we've all accomplished?"

For the first time I'm seeing Leon a little differently. He hasn't seem interested in having a child up until now, he seemed to be along for the ride, manly for Ellie. I think back to the counseling session I literally just had. Polly Ann, the counselor, said that I need to attempt to look at this pregnancy in every direction. From my feelings, to the feelings of the parents, to those surrounding us all. If Leon wants to celebrate the news of having a child- a child I'm carrying for him no less- than I see no reason to say no.