Hand of Thorns (19 page)

He sounds pissed... at me. He has no right to be pissed. I did nothing wrong, except fall in love with an unavailable man. With
him
. "Whatever," I grumble. "It's not a big deal."

"It's not? You wouldn't be devastated if I married her?"

Yes
. "Nope."

"You sure about that?" He steps towards me. "You wouldn't be jealous?"

With complete certainty I would be.
"Not at all."

"Then why is it you long for my kiss, Monica?" He leans towards me, his lips inches from mine. I can taste them as he speaks. "Why is it that you moan every time I touch you delicately?"

"I... I... I don't know." My words stumble as my entire body courses with desire for Leon.

"Oh. It isn't because you want to... what was it you called it... oh, right, make love with me again?" He presses his mouth to the side of mine, teasing me.

I swallow hard, unable to speak. What would I say anyways? As much as I want to scream for him to take me here, right now, I slowly shake my head back and forth, my stubbornness unwilling to answer him.

"So if I were to do this?" He runs his fingers along my jaw, vigilantly making their way down towards my breast before kneading it with passion. "This doesn't turn you on?"

I shrug with indifference, turning my face from looking at him. His penetrating gaze makes it hard for me to concentrate on the fact I want to convince myself I don't need him.

"Hmm." He pulls on the waistband of my leggings before placing his hand inside, his fingers pressing against my bud while he lightly rubs circles. "And this? This does nothing for you?"

Glancing at him, I shake my head, but this time it's not because I'm trying to argue, it's because I'm angry that he's winning. "It does everything for me, Leon. I want you. I fucking want you any way I can have you."

"Then turn around," he demands. His teasing ways are out the door and suddenly the dominant Leon is here to take charge, causing my stomach to coil in the best imaginable way.

I do as he says. In no time he has my leggings and panties down to my ankles and pushes my top half forward so I'm bent before him. He takes all of a second to have his erection out and teasing me. "We don't have a lot of time, so I'm going to fuck you… hard." I never knew I could love hearing words so intense yet somewhat degrading. I don't even have time to answer before he pushes his hard cock inside of me.

An echo of a scream is covered by his hand while he breathlessly tells me not to make any noise. Which is unbelievably hard to do, as the pain mixed with pleasure is twice as intensifying as before, due to the fast pace of it all and the fact we have to stay quiet as possible.

I can feel the skin on my butt jiggle with each thrust, and suddenly there is an intense hot pain against one of my cheeks. I scream but it's silenced by his hand. Somehow though it pushes me to the edge, and when he slaps down on it once more, my insides end up pulsating against him while coming hard. In an instant he's filling me with his release as well.

Faster than it even started, he is done with me, but I'm not in any way complaining. I pull up my underwear and pants while he fixes his own. I turn to face him, smiling like a fool. As he presses his lips to my forehead, he whispers, "I'll call you later." Escaping faster than he appeared.

Maybe one day it'll be more than this. More than whispered conversations, timed phone calls, quick fucks in the bathroom, and a conflict of emotions. Maybe one day he'll love me more... he'll love me most.

When I arrive back into the exam room, I try to act casual. No one seems to even notice I'm back in the room, that is, until Doctor Wallace looks over to me with a smile. "Ready to finish the exam?"

"Yes, of course."

Marney brushes my leg when I sit down on the exam table, leaning in to whisper. "Don't worry sweetie, you have a counseling appointment after. Hopefully they can sort through these emotions. I was a wreck during my ultrasound, too."

I give her an encouraging smile. That part was definitely emotional, but she has no idea how little in comparison to how I feel about Ellie and Leon, who currently are sitting there while Ellie chats about nursery designs and colors, and Leon listens unconcernedly.

The remainder of the exam is quick, with only a few questions and discussion about having a pap smear the following appointment, which will be at my twenty week mark. I'm told what more to expect in the upcoming weeks, and sent to meet with Polly Ann for counseling.

That night I decide it's time to do something for myself, especially since I received another check from the agency. I stop by Mom's, who isn't home, to slip her a check to pay for the mortgage and get groceries with, then I head to a Chinese restaurant where I order enough food to fill up three people along with a two liter of Sprite, which I never drink anymore. Before getting back to my apartment, I grab a few movie rentals, and I dedicate the remainder of the night to watching movies, eating Chinese, and enjoying the peace and quiet of my home. I need the refreshing alone time that doesn't involve studying or stressing.

"Are you sure you don't want me to attend?" Penelope asks while digging into my peanut butter fudge ice cream. I don't have cravings, but she does, and when she does, they're always intense. They started about three weeks ago, and have been insane. I'm only a few days behind her in the pregnancy, so I keep wondering if I will start to crave anything, but thankfully I don't. However, I do want to eat all the time.

I watch as she places the container on her growing belly, which has swollen right up, and is almost the size of me. She digs the spoon into the container, flipping through a magazine, not even paying any mind to the new dress I put on.

"It's not that I don't want you to, it's that they didn't extend the invite to anyone other than myself. I'm like the damn main attraction at their zoo."

Penelope looks up from her magazine after flipping the page. She licks some more ice cream off the spoon before dropping it into the container. "Good thing you have eighteen-ish weeks left. It's over half way to the finish line."

Which makes me both excited and nervous, for more reasons than one.

"Yeah, the bad news is... it's Friday the thirteenth."

"You're not superstitious, are you?"

"Horribly so. I cried when my dad tried to adopt an all black cat as a child, and once I watched him climb under a ladder and for weeks I prayed nothing would happen to him."

Penelope cracks up. "I never knew that about you. Well, it's five thirty at night, if your day has been good so far, I'm sure it'll be great for the remainder of the evening."

"I'm going to be at Leon and Ellie's house. Nothing good can come from that."

"But it's a baby shower, or gender reveal party, or whatever it is she called it. Either way, the focus will be on her, you'll just be the side bitch."

"Well, I've gotten used to that one lately."

"Ouch. Sorry. I didn't mean it like that."

I give her a sad smile, knowing she didn't. "Yeah, don't apologize. My own issues, we all know that."

"But I thought you were doing well? Aren't you at the point of weekly hang outs and stuff?"

"Yeah, we do. He comes over at least once a week, sometimes twice. We've even met up other places, and he took me on a date once the other night. The last few weeks have been incredible. We just haven't enclosed our feelings to one another yet, and the more I'm with him, the more I feel that urge to tell him."

"Do you think he loves you?"

I peek over at the full length mirror, looking myself over. My brown hair has grown tremendously and it looks healthier than ever, I have a permanent smile on my face as of late, and the bigger my belly grows, the more I love my entire body. I feel like I was meant to be this woman staring back at me- except that in four months everything is going to change, and I'm not sure if for the better or worse yet.

I do believe he loves me, but I know he loves this child more. I know he loves Ellie as well, or he wouldn't be with her any longer, despite having a child together. It's all one crazy, wild mess, but I think it'd be a lot simpler if I knew for sure if he loved me or not. "Yeah," I answer her question. "I think. But I want to know. You know?"

She digs into the ice cream once more. "Kind of. I think you're pretty lucky, to be honest."

"Really? Why?"

"You're going through a trial run, you have time to sort through your feelings and figure out if this is what you want. Me, I'm stuck with it."

"You do realize you don't have to be with William because you are having a baby together?"

"Kind of. I need to
try.
"

"Is that why you two still haven't found a place though, because you're still not sure?"

She stares at the spoon like her life depends on it, chewing on the inside of her lip. With a shrug, she takes the bite, not answering my question, so I leave it at that. Adding in a simple, "My door is always open."

I finish getting ready, clipping one side of my hair back and allowing all the ends to fall in curls. I saw it in a movie and it looked elegant, so I wanted to try it- and thankfully, it looks good. My makeup is simple and on point, thanks to the help of Penelope perfecting winged eyeliner for me, and forcing me to wear red lipstick. My dress is mid-thigh and all white, with a pink and blue ribbon tied around the empire waist band, which causes my stomach to look even larger than normal. Everyone is supposed to wear the color they believe the baby will be, but since I already know, I thought the simplicity would be the smarter idea.

Penelope stays behind while I leave to head to Leon and Ellie's home for the first time. Well, I've seen the outside all of one time, but I've never been indoors. I can only imagine how it looks.

There is a line of vehicles when I arrive, and unfortunately I have to walk quite a distance in my wedged heels. Someone opens the door to greet me when I walk in, offering me a glass of champagne. I thank them as I kindly decline, then take a look around. The entrance is a little crowded with a staircase directly across from the main door and two rooms on either side. I see people in both directions, so I head left, towards the living room.

I walk around, saying hello to the extremely few that smile or greet me. I feel out of place, even though if not for me, none of this would be happening right now.

Then I feel it. The difference in the room. The current running through it. Turning, I see Leon staring at me from a distance. Ellie as his arm candy, glowing to perfection while she laughs at something someone says. She spots me from across the room only seconds after I see them, and she smiles in the brightest of ways. "Ohh, Monica, I was wondering when you'd get here!" Her voice echoes with delight, causing multiple people to turn and look.

I give a quick wave in greeting, certainly not yelling in front of all these people. I've never been one to ask for attention. She excuses herself from the guest she's speaking with to come over to me. I thought I wanted someone to converse with, but it only makes me feel even more awkward when she hugs me. "Come. We have people to see."

"Oh, yeah, of course." I eye a glass of champagne someone is holding, and for the first time in the five months I actually crave something.

She brings me to several people, introducing me as her savior and other overly kind words. Everyone seems happy to meet me, although there are a few whom act like they’re far too important to converse with someone like me. I even got to meet a few celebrities, none of them insanely famous, but the feeling is still surreal.

When it comes to Leon, I don't see him as the Hollywood movie star everyone else does, I see him as Leon. Sexy, dominate yet insanely romantic. I see him as a friend, and as a lover. He isn't famous to me, he's mine. He's private and secure, and unbelievably sweet. But when I meet celebrities like Howie Langston, I'm immediately star struck.

By the time I'm ready to sit down and eat something, Ellie announces it's time to reveal the gender. I start to head towards a couch, but she pulls on my arm, insisting I go alongside her. Her need to be around me every second of the night has been exhausting. A little annoying as well, since it's not exactly hard to tell when she's being dramatically fake. Her excitement is a bit of an overkill. I guess it's better than the bitchy side of her I get more often than not.

Everyone gathers around in the extraordinarily large den, where most everyone sits in chairs that have been lined up throughout the room, while Ellie brings me forward to sit near the makeshift stage. Leon joins her, placing his hand on her low backside. One of the servers of the night walks up, placing a large cake in front of them, decorated in pink and blue.

"So the deal is, when I cut into the cake, I'll lift a piece to show you all. If it's a pink, it means girl, if it's blue, it means boy." I glance around the room to notice every single one of her close friends are wearing pink. I'm curious if she told them all, and simply asked them to be quiet for the party. I try to avoid watching Ellie and Leon, because the more I fall for him, the harder it is for me to accept that I'm only second best.

Everyone starts clapping and cheering, so I know the moment she reveals the gender. I have to look towards them though when everyone starts laughing. I watch as Leon chuckles along with everyone else, wiping cake from his face. As he does, he tries to put some on Ellie's face as payback but she smacks his hand away, scolding him for his efforts. He still leans in to kiss her on the mouth, spreading some of the frosting onto her lips. She smiles at the crowd, licking her lips, before she peeks over at me.

For the first time I wonder if she knows something, or at the very least suspects something. She hasn't given any hints that I've noticed, so it may simply be coincidence.

The servers go up to cut the cake and walk around to hand out pieces of it. I decline my piece, suddenly not feeling so well. When Ellie flops down in the seat next to me with her slice of cake, she eyes me curiously. "You okay?"

"I'm having really bad cramps, actually."

Her face turns from joyous and excited to purely concerned. "Oh. What happens now? What is it? It's not early labor is it?"

"I think it's what they call Braxton Hicks, but I don't know for sure. I haven't felt like this before."

"I'm calling Doctor Wallace. Please sit here, I'll be right back." The one thing I have liked about Ellie all along is the fact she truly has seem both concerned and eager for this baby. I have no doubt she'll love her daughter unconditionally and raise her right. Hopefully her fakeness will disperse, at least when she's around Spud... or Vivienne.

One of her friends that was actually insanely nice to me walks over to take Ellie's empty seat. "You okay? Your face is super pale."

"I keep getting these bad cramps."

"Have you drank any water recently?"

"I had one glass at lunch time."

"Okay, come with me." She helps me to stand and brings me to the other room to grab two water bottles, then helps me up the stairs.

Ellie comes charging after us. "What are you two doing? Is everyone alright?"

Her friend turns to face Ellie, still helping me down the hall. "She needs some water and to rest for a little bit. She'll be fine."

"Oh. Yeah, that is what Doctor Wallace said. He said if the cramps get worse or if they don't go away in about an hour, then he wants to see you."

"Okay, thank you."

"You're how far along?" Her friend asks.

"I'll be twenty two weeks on Monday."

"Have you felt the baby move around at all?"

"No, I still haven't felt anything."

"It's not rare for your first one. I have three, I've basically become an expert on this pregnancy thing." She smiles, pausing in front of one of the bedrooms. "Here is the guestroom. There is a bathroom attached. Lay down and relax, sip on the water slowly, but try to drink as much as you can. Like Ellie said, if it intensifies or doesn't go away in the next hour, let one of us know, and we'll bring you in."

"Thank you." I peek over at Ellie who is biting her nails, watching as her friend helps me lay down. "Thank you both," I add in.

Ellie looks up to me, seemingly scared- and for once, she isn't pretending about something. "Just... keep us updated, please."

"I will." She exits the room faster than she came in.

"Don't let her get to you," her friend says. "She's that way with everyone. I've been her best friend since the third grade."

"So she doesn't hate me?"

The girl laughs softly. "Maybe a little, but only because you're carrying her child. I probably shouldn't tell you this, but she got pregnant with her now ex-husband when she was twenty four. She got in a car accident and lost the baby in her third trimester. It's why she refused to get pregnant again. She's been wanting this for such a long time, and thankfully she has Leon to help her get through the personal, emotional stuff. He's been great, and they'll both be wonderful parents. I completely commend you on what you're doing." She tucks me in, but it does nothing to comfort me. How can it? What she said about Ellie makes me feel far guiltier about what is going on behind her back.

I stare at the doorway where Ellie had exited through mere minutes ago. I wonder if
that
is Leon's reason for staying with her, or if it's something else altogether. Even with the guilt, I’m not sure I can find the strength to end what is happening. I've fallen too far. I'm probably going to hell for it all, but as long as Ellie doesn't find out, she can't get hurt.

Right?

"I'm Rae by the way. I'll come back and check on you in a bit. Drink the water, and it should all go away."

"Thank you. I appreciate everything."

"You're welcome." She walks out into the hallway, pulling the door closed as she does.

I close my eyes, resting while the cramping flares up suddenly, the pain intensifying. Maybe this is my karma for everything I'm doing wrong- or maybe this is normal and I wasn't warned how painful it could be. Maybe it's a little bit of both.

Turning to my side, I reach for a bottle of water and sip some down, then I stay curled into a ball. The pain slowly goes away after a minute, until I get another bout of pain a few minutes later. I groan while I try to breathe through it.