Hand-Me-Down Love (21 page)

Telling Sean
was the worst. He broke down when I told him and I reassured him as
best I could. I told him I’m going to fight it and I am going to do
that. While we were sleeping that night I heard the jubilee bells and
I made Sean get up. He didn’t want to go, but I made him. We got
some good shrimp.

July 30, 2010

Dear Diary,

I swear I
thought I was going to be better about writing to you but I’ve been
too sick. It’s hard to write. The chemo and radiation just saps
every bit of strength I’ve got. More later.

November 21,
2010

Dear Diary,

I’m doing
chemo again and it’s killing me.

April 14, 2011

Dear Diary,

I stopped the
chemo and I feel great! I haven’t felt this good in a long time.
Sean isn’t happy with me for stopping the chemo, but he is happy
that I feel better. I really do think I’m going to beat this thing.
I feel so healthy and good. I think the tumor is gone now. Every day
I wake up and it’s like the first day of my life. I want to see the
sunrise. I want to walk around the neighborhood and look at the
flowers. I spend hours in the backyard. Keep your fingers crossed for
me, Diary.

May 4, 2011

Sean and I
argued all night and I really don’t have the strength for that. But
as much as it hurt him, I had to get him to see that I can’t keep
going with the chemo. It’s not working.

I’m going to
die. It’s killing me to write those words. lol. I’m going to die
and I can’t stop it. I just want to have the best time I can have
before the end.

May 16, 2011

I made Marla
learn how to make gumbo today. It’s my legacy to her. She may not
appreciate it right now, but she will, I promise you that, Diary.

I’m beginning
to feel a little weak now. I don’t know what I would do without Mom
and Marla. They’ve taken such good care of me. I wish I could pay
them back, but I think I’m beyond being able to pay anyone back for
anything.

Chapter
Twenty-Five

Marla kept reading
Meredith’s diary until she was finished. Her sister’s handwriting
had gotten very shaky at the end. Marla closed the book and placed it
carefully on the table. And then she cried, loudly and for a long
time.

Diane had given
the grief support group participants her card on the last day. “Call
me if you need me,” she had said. Marla did need her but it would
have to wait until morning. She found the card in the kitchen drawer
and put it on the table where she would see it first thing in the
morning.

        

Diane led Marla
into her office on the side of her house and motioned her to a chair.
Marla sat down, Meredith’s diary in her hand. Diane brought her a
cup of tea and a box of Kleenex.

“
What’s
going on?” she asked.

Marla looked
around the room, which was small but adequate. It was decorated with
antiques that Marla could appreciate. But she didn’t really care
about the antiques. She needed some answers.

Marla cleared
her throat. “There were some things,” she began. “When we were
in group. There were some things I couldn’t talk about because they
were too private.”

Diane nodded in
understanding. “Do you want to talk about those things?” she
asked.

“
Yes. I need
to talk about it.”

“
Go ahead
when you’re ready,” Diane said.

It was hard to
form the words. How could she explain everything to Diane? How could
Diane understand what she would tell her? Would Diane judge her? She
didn’t think so.

“
After my
sister died, it was really hard on everybody. I know you know that.
Death of a loved one is hard no matter what. I know that.”

Diane waited
patiently.

“
Before she
died, Meredith asked me to look after her husband. She was very
insistent about it. She made me promise, so I did.”

“
And did you
do that?” Diane asked.

“
I tried to.
He was a complete mess and couldn’t deal with anything. So I made
all of the arrangements and everything. And then he couldn’t stay
in the house so I found him an apartment in Mobile.”

Marla took a
sip of the tea and it helped to clear her head a little.

“
I tried to
look after him but it wasn’t easy since he was in Mobile. We sort
of lost contact. Well, any meaningful contact. Just texts. But a few
months later he called me from a bar in Mobile and asked me to go get
him. So I did.”

“
And then
what?” Diane said.

“
And then I
took him back to my apartment. I didn’t know where else to take
him. He was in bad shape and I wanted to keep my eye on him.”

Diane just
nodded. Marla got the feeling that Diane knew what was coming next.

“
So, he
stayed there a few weeks and then he went to Atlanta for Christmas.
While he was gone, we both missed each other a lot. I knew those
feelings probably weren’t appropriate, but they were my feelings. I
missed him.”

“
I can see
that,” Diane said. “He had been with you for a while and you’d
gotten used to each other’s presence.”

“
Right!
That’s exactly right,” Marla said. “We’d gotten to really
know each other in a way we never had before. We spent a lot of time
together. So when he was gone he kept texting me and finally he came
back earlier than expected. I was really glad to see him.”

Marla stopped
talking. The hardest part was coming next, but it probably wasn’t
going to be a surprise to Diane.

“
I made a
special dinner that night—really went all out with it. We had wine
and everything. And afterwards, while we were sitting on the couch,
we started having sex.”

She looked at
Diane for a reaction but didn’t see any. “I know most people will
think that was wrong of us. We knew that. But we couldn’t stop
ourselves. It’s like we needed to do it for each other.”

“
Do you feel
that was a part of looking after Sean, like Meredith asked you to
do?” Diane asked, knowingly.

“
Well, I
guess I wasn’t sure. But I knew it was something that I wanted to
do—that we wanted to do. I don’t know. We did eventually talk
about what Meredith would think about it and we both felt it was what
she would have wanted. I guess that sounds like we were justifying
what we were doing. But we really did feel that way. I just know that
we fell in love with each other. We really did.”

“
I’m sure
you did,” Diane said. “There were a lot of deep feelings between
the two of you. You had a deep bond and mutual love for your sister.
I can see it.”

“
Thank you,”
Marla said. “I was worried you wouldn’t understand.”

“
The heart is
very complex,” Diane said. “Sometimes your heart goes where
society tells it not to go.”

Marla was so
glad she’d come to see Diane. She was already feeling a lot better.

“
Then one
night, while we were being intimate, he called me by my sister’s
name.”

“
Oh,” Diane
said.

“
I understood
that it was a slip of the tongue. But it did upset me and made me
start thinking about everything. So I told him the next day that
maybe we should think about what we were doing. He said he was sorry.
I mean, my name starts out like Merrie’s name, so I can see
slipping up. He was sorry.”

“
And the next
thing I knew, he was leaving. Going to hike the Appalachian Trail
like he had after high school. He said he needed to get clear, that
we needed to get clear so we could be open for each other.”

“
That sounds
very wise,” Diane said. “Very wise.”

“
I guess. I
do see it. I didn’t want him to go but he went anyway. The next
time I heard his voice, was a week or so later. He told me he loved
me but he was going to keep hiking. And then the next time I heard
from him, he said he was staying in some little town to cut down
trees.”

“
Cut down
trees?”

“
Yes. He’d
gotten a job with some guy who was teaching him to cut down trees.
That worried me a lot because he didn’t know a thing about that.”

“
When was
that?”

“
That was on
Valentine’s Day. I’ve never talked to him again. He texted for a
while just to say he was okay. And then he went a long time without
texting. The last time he texted I didn’t respond.”

“
I’m sure
you were wondering what he was doing and not feeling a part of
anything with him,” Diane said.

“
Yes. And by
that point I just felt like I was an intrusion in his life. That he
didn’t need me anymore.”

“
That must’ve
been hard.”

Marla nodded.
“Very hard. Made me think if my relationship with Sean was all
about him needing me, Marla, who would take care of everything.
Really made me start to think about that.”

Diane nodded.

“
My college
boyfriend started coming around—Michael. He was buying some bars in
Mobile and Gulf Shores, so he had a reason to be in the area. And I
started going out with him.”

“
I’m sure
you were feeling pretty lonely and confused about everything,”
Diane said.

“
Yes, I was.
Things got more serious with Michael, but I was holding off on having
a completely intimate relationship with him. But then one night when
we were eating in Gulf Shores, I got upset and he was so kind. I
think that’s when I realized that Sean was never coming back. I
mean, Michael was there, comforting me and Sean wasn’t. So I took
the next step and became intimate with Michael.”

Marla blushed
and stopped talking.

“
Are you
still seeing him?”

“
Yes, we’ve
been seeing each other regularly. But the thing I didn’t say before
is that the reason I was upset that night is because I found
Meredith’s diary. It was a total accident that I found it in the
storeroom. I had been reading it and it brought everything back. It
was like Meredith was talking.”

“
Is that what
you have there?” Diane asked motioning to the green book Marla held
tightly in her hands.

“
Yes. I
wanted you to read part of it. She started it right when she
graduated from college and she talks about meeting Sean, but she
didn’t write in it very much. Only at then end.”

Marla opened
the diary and flipped the pages until she found the part she wanted
Diane to read. “Her handwriting is shaky, but you can still read
it,” Marla said, handing the book to Diane.

May 24, 2011

Dear Diary,

It’s the
middle of the night and I’m here in my sick bed while my husband is
in our former marital bed asleep. It’s very hard to write now, but
I feel I’ve got to put something out there, to the universe. I’ve
given it a LOT of thought.

Today Marla
brushed my hair and it felt so good. Not much soothes me these days,
but that does. Before she did it, though, I asked her to keep an eye
on Sean. I know that seems like an unfair request, but I had to do
it. For Sean. He’s going to need her. But what I’ve come to
realize over these weeks as I’ve lain in this bed, is that she’s
going to need him too. I love Sean and Marla so much. They are my
best friends.

So, this
thought came into my head a couple of weeks ago and I haven’t been
able to get it out of my head ever since. I thought, what if Sean and
Marla got together, after I’m gone? If I were going to live, I
would never think such a thing. But I’m not going to live. I want
more than anything for Sean and Marla to be happy.

Do you think
I’m crazy, Diary? Sean and Marla? But I know I’m not crazy. I’m
very sane. I know Sean and Marla better than I know anyone on this
earth and I know that they would be good together. It’s hard to
find someone good to love. Why not Sean and Marla? If I can hold on
to that idea, then I will feel so much more peaceful when I go. I’m
holding on to it. I’m putting it out in the universe. Don’t let
me down.

And now I’m
going to go. Peace and love to Mom and Dad and Sean and Marla.