Guardian (26 page)

She paused for a moment, not moving at all, and then she headed for the freezer, grinning at me. “Boy troubles? I have just the thing to take the edge off of that.”

And ten minutes later we sat across from each other at the kitchen table with giant bowls of Velvet Buckeye ice cream in front of us, mugs of hot chocolate at our elbows.

“So,” Mom said, crunching on one of the chocolate buckeyes in the ice cream, “what’s his name?”

I took a long sip of hot chocolate before answering, trying to deem what harm there could be in telling Mom a very abbreviated version of the relationship between Rafael and me. I decided I didn’t really care, because I so desperately wanted to tell someone older than me about it and see what they had to say.

“Rafael,” I whispered, and then cleared my throat. “His name is Rafael.”

“I see. Does he go to school with you and Natalie?”

“No-o,” I said slowly. “He’s older than me, already graduated. He’s twenty-five. He’s a missionary, actually. He goes all over the world.”

I threw in the last part to soften the blow, and mostly because that was how I saw Rafael and the rest of the Fallen. They went around helping the less fortunate in God’s name; what more noble cause was there?

My mom had paused when I had told her Rafael’s age, but then she smiled self-depreciatingly, eating a delicate bite of ice cream. “Can’t say I’m thrilled to hear it,” she said wryly, “but then you were always a mature child. And Daddy is eleven years older than me, so I guess I should just be thankful that Rafael isn’t thirty.”

I couldn’t help but smile at that, but then sighed. I hated lying, absolutely hated it, and lying to my mom during a special moment we would probably never have again felt like the worst sin imaginable. I wished I could be honest with her about everything, but knew I couldn’t. What mother would be thrilled to hear her daughter liked a fallen angel who was nearly two thousand years old? For that matter, what mom would
believe
a story like that?

“So what has you depressed about it?” she asked me. “Hopeless crush?”

I sighed again. “Yes. Or at least, I thought it was a hopeless crush and that we were just really, really good friends, until last night. When he… kissed me.”

“Ohhh,” my mom said with a wealth of new understanding. “I see. And I’m guessing the two of you have already talked about it this morning, and it didn’t go well?”

I nodded. “He ran away last night right afterward, and this morning said the typical stuff; it was a mistake, we shouldn’t have done it, he’s not right for me, and so on. The problem is, Mom,” I looked up at her, and could feel my eyes shining with tears that I fought to hold back, “I
love
him. I know I sound like another teenager with a hopeless crush like you said, but he is the kindest, most honorable person I have ever known. He’s a gentleman, and never,
ever
thinks of himself first. Except right now. He says he doesn’t want me to get involved with, with his missionary work, because I expressed an interest, both in him and what he does. But isn’t he just shoving me away from him for his own good? Shouldn’t he let
me
decide what I want to do? He seems to think I’ll change my mind or regret my decision because I’m so young, but I don’t feel that way. When I’m with him, and think about helping him, the feeling I get, it’s just, I just feel so complete, and
right
.”

“We all have the free will to do what we choose and make our own decisions,” my mom agreed. “And I know it’s the oldest saying, but if you really love him, you should fight for him, baby. But sometimes, words just aren’t enough. Showing can be a lot better than telling. If you feel so strongly about him, maybe you should just show that to him. A person can promise someone else anything they want, it’s easy to say the words, but it’s not so easy to prove them sometimes. If you show Rafael every day how much you care about not just him, but what he does, well, I don’t see how he can’t believe you. Goodness knows, it took your father nearly six months for me to agree to go on a date with him. But after that one date, well, I knew.” Her eyes turned a little misty and I felt a sad kind of happiness at her memories. Sometimes it seemed I could barely remember the years when my parents had gotten along.

But my mom’s words still had a profound effect on me. Rafael’s biggest argument, the reason that would always remain, even if Colton and Grace were taken care of, was his lack of faith in himself and his feeling of abandonment by God. I was sure Rafael loved me, had feelings for me at the very least, but couldn’t I prove how I felt, how I would always feel, by helping him to have faith in himself and God?

Rafael always said being near me was like being near a church, and that my faith leaked out of me; maybe it was time I leaked some of it on to him and the other Fallen, made them feel closer to God so they would have more
hope.
My depression was lifted, and I found that I couldn’t wait to go into my room and pray about it, read my Bible and glean the wisdom that I felt I now so desperately needed.

“Thanks, Mom,” I whispered.

She beamed at me, looking so much like Grace that I couldn’t help but smile back at her. “So, tell me, how’s school going?”

I filled her in on my classes and how wretched I found calculus, but how I had developed a new appreciation for history, about the Halloween dance last night and basked in her enjoyment at the costumes I had come up with for Rafael and me. We talked for nearly an hour, and cooked dinner together, making a mess of the kitchen but having a wonderful time anyway, even as we cleaned it up after we ate.

It didn’t escape my notice that she never asked about Colton and Grace, not once. Didn’t ask me where they were, or if they were all right, since they stayed asleep almost the entire afternoon. Part of me felt a small simmer of resentment toward my mom, that she couldn’t be like this all the time and take care of Colton and Grace, so I would have nothing holding me back, nothing Rafael could say that would instantly make me back down from my longing to join him and the others.

But I tried to shove aside my bitter feelings, because it was the first time I’d had my mom to myself, in a good mood, in years. I wanted new memories to treasure, to think about when she had her bad days. And I was glad I did, because it was the last time I was able to really talk with my mom, practically the last time I ever saw her. And I knew for certain God gave me that gift to treasure.

Around seven my mom announced that she was extremely tired and going to bed. She gave me a goodnight kiss and said she would see me the next day, and I told her I loved her and was fine, even though I knew I wasn’t. I sat at the table and listened until I heard her door quietly shut. I headed toward my own room and silently worked for an hour at the small desk crammed in one corner, attempting to finish the homework I had been putting off all weekend because of my excitement over the dance.

But my concentration kept straying until I finally set aside my government book and reached for my well-worn Bible. It was only three years old, since Natalie’s parents had given it to me as a confirmation present when I mentioned in passing that the only other Bible we had was so old it was missing some pages. From all my use and opening and closing and a few encounters with Colton and Grace, this one looked a little worse for the wear. More than a few of the delicate tissue pages were crinkled or missing corners, there was a Hello Kitty sticker (courtesy of Grace) on the front cover. The blank inside covers were covered with neat categories of verses I wanted to remember and flipping through the pages revealed a rainbow of highlighted verses.

Still, it was mine, and always comforted me with the soft whispering noises it made when I turned the pages and saw my familiar script in the margins. I looked at all the verses I’d written underneath the heading of
love
, but realized I didn’t need them, and went to the old and best standby in Corinthians.
Love is patient, love is kind
. I read through the whole chapter, and felt reassured. I could do all these things for Rafael, put them all into practice, with God’s help.
Lyla is patient, Lyla is kind
. I inserted my name instead of the word love, as I had learned in a youth group study.

Lord,
I prayed, crawling into bed next to Grace,
give me wisdom about these decisions. If Rafael is meant to be in my life, then I trust You to take care of all the details, even Colton and Grace’s care and Rafael’s reluctance. You know that I want this, more than I’ve ever wanted anything else in the world, but keep me open to Your will. What I want isn’t always what You want for me, but please, let Rafael be a part of my life.

Tomorrow, I knew Rafael would expect me to argue further, but I would try to ease his mind and by telling him I wanted time to think. I would allow him to believe I’d put the matter to rest, when really, I would be working in secret, trying to show him how I felt until he had no choice but to believe me.

The next morning Rafael came to drive us to school. I was afraid he might keep his distance for a few days. But when I caught sight of the Hummer pulling up in the driveway, my heart leapt in my chest and I quickly grabbed my bag and ushered Colton and Grace out the door. Rafael was already out of the car and had the back door open for Colton and Grace. They climbed in, chattering excitedly as they began their normal day. My days were becoming anything but normal.

I slowly approached Rafael, wondering what on earth I would say to him, because my mind was coming up completely blank. In the end it didn’t matter, because when I got close enough, I saw Rafael’s face was tight and drawn with anxiety and worry, and as soon I got close he began to babble, though low enough so Colton and Grace couldn’t hear.

“Lyla, I’m sorry for what happened. I never should have done what I did, but I shouldn’t have treated you so harshly in the park, and I’m so sorry. You are still the best friend I’ve ever had, and I don’t want anything to change that. I know you’re upset about my refusal, but if you were to never speak to me again then I-”

I couldn’t help but laugh, and Rafael finally stopped to look at me strangely. But it was so odd to hear him carrying on so, when usually it was me who was unsettled or nervous. If nothing else, at least I knew Rafael really valued me as his dearest friend. I was sort of delighted, actually.

I smiled at Rafael, hoping to reassure him, and also took a step closer. “Nothing could ever change our friendship,” I said gently.

Rafael looked at me with suspicious surprise.

I wanted to laugh again, but held myself back. “Don’t worry, I’m not trying to manipulate you or anything.” Even though, in a way, I technically was, I supposed. “I just did some long thinking about it last night, and even talked with my mom about it, and realized there is a lot of truth in what you said. But not all, mind you. I’m willing to let it go for the sake of our friendship. There isn’t a lot in the world that means more to me than you, Rafael, romantically or not. So, let’s just forget it ever happened and get back to the way things were.”

He hesitated for just a moment, and then one of his rare, full-fledged smiles bloomed, and Rafael beamed at me. “Good. Because I want to introduce you to Damian today. He’s very anxious to meet you as well.”

“Can’t wait.” I smiled back, but caught Rafael’s arm as he turned away. “Promise me one thing?” I asked, staring into his eyes with unwavering concentration.

“Of course,” Rafael replied, his smile slowly fading until he assumed his usual contemplative, serious expression.

I took a breath. “My birthday is in a month, in December. Promise me you’ll at least stay in Columbus that long.”

Rafael’s face gentled, and he covered my hand with his where it still grasped his arm. “Lyla, even if I leave this city, I will never leave
you
. You’ll always be able to get in touch with me, if you really need me.”

“I know you won’t leave without a word or warning again,” I said, blinking rapidly because the very idea of him leaving, leaving for real, made me want to cry. “But I still want, still
need
, you here with me. I will always feel that way.”

“You’re stronger than you think,” he whispered to me. “But I promise. I won’t leave before then, maybe not for a while after. But you have my word that I will be here for your birthday.”

“Okay,” I said, nodding and letting go of him. With a big sniff and a surreptitious wiping of my eyes, I headed toward the passenger seat of the Hummer. “We’d better get going or we’ll be late for school!”

Natalie jumped on me as soon as I passed through the school doors, wanting to know what Rafael and I had done after the dance. I couldn’t believe the dance had only happened two days before; it seemed an eternity ago. I vaguely told Natalie that he had only taken me home, though the crestfallen look on her face made me wish I
could
tell her. Still, after Rafael had finally earned her approval, I didn’t want him to lose it right away. Natalie would automatically take my side in self-righteous indignation, as a good friend should. Also, the thought of her interrogating me all day was simply too exhausting.