Guardian (24 page)

We pulled into the school parking lot and my nervousness, which had previously disappeared with Rafael’s arrival, returned. Did Rafael even know how to dance? Did
I
even know how to dance? I had attended nearly all the school dances over the last few years, but I hadn’t really danced at any of them.

Sure, I knew the cha-cha slide and joined in the special two or three songs they played for volunteers after everyone else had left, but that had mainly involved jumping around with Natalie and the others in student council, throwing balloons at each other and shouting out lyrics. Somehow, I thought this would be different.

We had parked, and I was staring at the school, biting my lip in worry, when a warm hand slid under mine and squeezed it gently. He was always so warm, and I liked to think it was with God’s light. I looked over at Rafael.

“Something’s wrong,” he whispered into the silence. “What are you worried about?”

“Um,” I said, then blurted, “I don’t know how to dance. And I’m pretty sure I’ll end up making an idiot of myself out there.”

A full-fledged smile slowly grew on Rafael’s lips as I watched, and I tried to pull my hand away in disgust. “I should have known you would find it funny,” I grumbled. “Of course. You’re probably a spectacular dancer. How silly of me to-”

But I broke off abruptly as before my eyes, Rafael lifted my hand to his lips and kissed the back of my palm. “Don’t worry about anything, Lyla,” he whispered.

And so of course, I didn’t.

I remember laughing a lot. I remember dancing crazily, in a big group with Natalie and Austin and their dates. I remember spilling punch on the floor and requesting some weird old song from the forties that Rafael told us about, which he said was his parents’ favorite to all my friends, but I knew it was something he had heard back then because he had been
alive
then. I remember nearly everyone on the dance floor stopping and looking around in confusion when the song came on, and the six of us laughing and dancing all the crazier.

But what I remember most are the slow dances. The first one would always be so clear in my memory –
Untouchable
, by Taylor Swift. Everyone stopped dancing and threw their arms around one another, while Rafael and I stood awkwardly for a moment, me staring down at the floor so I couldn't see his expression. Then for the second time that night, Rafael’s blazingly warm hands slid into my own, guiding them up over his neck as he put his own around my waist. His hands were so big, and having them wrapped around my waist, reaching from my hip bone all the way back to my spine, only made me feel more fragile and small around him.

As we stepped back and forth, our bodies moving ever closer to one another until we were close enough to practically bump noses, I tried to remember if I had ever been this close to Rafael before. We had hugged or something in the past, hadn't we? But no. Aside from maybe a quick, impersonal squeeze, I couldn't ever recall having hugged Rafael as I did now, so close that I could lay my head against his chest, which I was afraid to do.

But as Taylor crooned
come on, come on
, Rafael's big hand came up to rest on the back of my head and guided it to his chest, right over his heart, which I could feel
thump-thumping
against my cheek in a reassuring way. His chin rested on the top of my head, his hands tightening fractionally around my waist, and we danced that way to the rest of the song, me feeling safer than I ever had in my entire life, even when Rafael had saved us from my parents, when he promised to keep me safe. Here, in Rafael's arms, was the first place I had ever felt like I was
home
.

The song ended and it seemed like the spell had broken. I quickly stepped out of Rafael's arms, smiling self-consciously at him. “I got glitter all over your shirt,” I finally giggled, brushing a little bit off and failing to remove the glitter that had transferred from my coated hair to Rafael's shirt.

He caught my hand and held it in his, looking at me with his serious, unfathomable look. “I don't mind,” he whispered.

And so we danced again, and every slow dance I hesitated for just a moment, unsure of whether the magical moment, Rafael holding me so close and the feeling of such comfort that I got, could be recreated. But every time, without fail, Rafael would take my hands and guide them to where they needed to be, putting my head against his chest, and I would close my eyes and just revel in the feeling of having Rafael holding me and being so close to him. And with one last slow song, the dance was over and the six of us headed for the gym exit.

Colton and Grace were staying over at Natalie's, courtesy of her mom, so the night was mine to spend however I wished, and for once I wanted to stay out till the sunrise, doing whatever came to mind. I wanted to be a stereotypical teenager, so when Natalie suggested we all meet up at Wafflehouse before heading to our various houses, I agreed, glad for the surprised-yet-pleased look on Natalie's face, since it was so unlike me to stay out and not rush home to check on Colton and Grace.

Rafael was… amazing with my friends. He was charming and a gentleman, opening the car door for me, the restaurant doors for everyone else, paying for my dinner and waffles. He was amusing and funny, kept everyone laughing and impressed them with his stories of the places he had been all over the world. Natalie kept sending me looks that said
He is the perfect man!
and Austin had pulled me aside before we left Wafflehouse and apologized for insinuating in the past that Rafael might hurt me or wasn't trustworthy. I was glad to have my friends back on my side and reassured that I wasn't crazy. I realized that taking Rafael to the dance had done double duty by allowing them to be more comfortable with the idea of me spending so much time with a stranger who was so much older than me.

I'd thought Rafael and I would keep our usual comfortable, contemplative silence on the ride home, but it seemed the high from the evening clung, and we talked and laughed more than we ever had on the way to the warehouse, where I had suggested we go since Naomi had apparently mentioned wanting to see my costume.

We finally pulled into the underground garage of the warehouse, Rafael using his blurring speed to zip around and open the car door for me before I had even unbuckled my seat belt. I slipped out of the car with a thank you and had started for the stairs, only realizing when I hit the first one that Rafael was still next to the car, not following me.

I turned to look at him. “What's wrong?”

Rafael cocked his head toward the ceiling. “It can't be,” he murmured, frowning.
“Can’t be what?” I asked, my hand tightening on the scarred banister.

But he didn't answer, didn't even look at me before zipping up the stairs, bypassing me and moving so quickly I only felt a gust of air against my face as he went. Now I was worried. Not much could make Rafael leave me by myself in the middle of the night. Had something happened to the other Fallen? Were they hurt? Was everything all right?

A dozen panicked thoughts ran through my head and I began to sprint up the stairs, though this was quite a feat in heels as high as mine. I thought about taking them off, but the seldom used stairwell was so dirty I was too paranoid to do so. I went up the stairs as fast as my shoes would allow, and had reached the final flight when I finally heard the voices Rafael had apparently detected from six flights below.

It didn't sound like a panicked group. In fact, it sounded like… a party. A frenzied group of voices were all talking at the same time, excitedly and too fast to follow. But above it all I heard Rafael's voice proclaiming loudly, “Where have you
been
, Damian?!”

A sinking feeling entered my stomach, and I had to force myself to climb the last flight of stairs and finally peek around the edge of the doorway. All of them – every single one of the Fallen – were grouped around a tall man with coal black hair. Rafael was hugging him, but stepped away as I watched, pounding the stranger on the back.

“We were so worried about you! What happened?” Matthias was the next to step forward and embrace the man – the missing Damian, I knew instantly, and not just from Rafael's words. This man was clearly a Fallen, it was evident in the graceful way he moved, and the blacker-than-night wings that slowly folded up and disappeared behind him. He looked a little… dangerous, without the softer edge that was evident in Rafael and most of the other Fallen. This Damian was without the clear, soft edge of humanity I saw in all the other Fallen.

“Finally, you're back!” Daniel exclaimed. “We were wondering how much longer we would have to hang around here looking for you!”

My mouth opened in a soft cry of alarm, though no sound came out. Quietly, I turned around and descended the six flights of stairs to the car, which I hopped into and changed into the jeans, hoodie, and boots I had stored there, knowing I would want them later. I carefully laid my dress in the back seat, my wings on top of them, and struck off for home on foot.

I tried to blink away tears, but failed. It had just, finally, at long last, hit me. Rafael was going to leave. Someday, most likely someday soon, he was going to leave, fly off into the sunset with the rest of his flock, and I would go back to my old life, my whole being centered around meaningless grades and caring for Colton and Grace, the entire burden of their care resting solely on my own shoulders. My earlier happiness leaked away, despair pushing it out, taking up all the room. How could I have been so
stupid
? I remembered last time Rafael had left, and my breath caught and I stumbled over nothing in the middle of the sidewalk.

I paused and reached out for the side of the building to hold myself up. Tears stung and burned my eyes, and I forced myself to acknowledge the truth. I would be alone for the rest of my life. True, I had Colton and Grace, but someday they would be grown up, they wouldn’t need me anymore, even though I feared that day. Someday, I would be truly alone. Matthias had Rachel; my mother had my father, however dysfunctional their relationship was. I had my friends, but there was so much about my life they didn’t know, couldn’t possibly understand. Rafael had been the only one who had found out everything, calmly accepted every aspect of my life, hadn’t judged but only kept me safe.

But Rafael didn’t
need
me either. I pined for him. I needed his love like a body needed water. It seemed that my life hinged on whether I would see him smile that day. It wasn’t lust, it wasn’t anything primal; I knew the truth of this by the simple fact that whenever Rafael walked into the room, and our eyes met, they became my world.

They told me all was well. They calmed my fears, made me stop panicking. Stopped all my incessant worrying over Colton and Grace. But Rafael didn’t know that. He probably never would. Because although he had taken the role of my guardian, eventually he
would
leave. Just like everybody else. I was constantly getting left behind, and though I had been fool enough to hope it wouldn’t happen with Rafael, I realized how stupid I had been thinking things would be different from all the other people who came in and out of my life.

But this time, I was the one to leave. I got away from all that joy, the happiness. It was a familiar feeling, that of seeing a happy family and longing to be a part of it. Only this was ten times worse, because what I wanted most of all, the icing on the cake, was Rafael. And he wasn’t mine for the taking.

All too aware of the Fallen’s acute sense of hearing, I had been quiet on the stairs and while changing, and breathed a sigh of relief when I hit the pavement. I could have taken the bus, but it was a pleasant sort of cold outside. I decided to walk, hoping the chilly air would help clear my thoughts and emotions. I had only made it about two blocks away from the warehouse when there was the unmistakable sound of feet hitting the pavement behind me. I didn’t panic, of course, because I already knew who it was. The warm feeling of calm that washed over me was clue enough. I turned slowly, and saw Rafael standing behind me.

He looked distressed. “Why did you leave?” he asked.

I shrugged, the urge to cry washing over me once again at the sight of him. “I just… have to get home.”

“Home to what, Lyla? Colton and Grace would have called if they needed you, and they haven’t.”

To my horror, one tear actually did leak from my left eye. Mortified, I tried to casually wipe it away before Rafael could notice. “I’m not needed here, either,” I said, and hated myself for the undercurrent of bitterness in my tone.

He took a step closer to me. “What do you mean, you’re not needed here? You’re always welcome here with us.”

I wanted to shake him. Why couldn’t he just read my thoughts, as he so often did, and understand? Realize that all I wanted was to be left alone? But no, now,
now
Rafael was in a chatty mood and wanted to talk. It was just my luck.

I tried to think of something to say that would tell part of the truth, but no more than that. I didn’t want his pity, not right now. “Damian,” I said carefully, “is the one all of you want, need there. You should be back in the warehouse, celebrating his safe return.”

Rafael ran a hand through his thick dark hair, looking frustrated. “I don’t
want
to see Damian,” he said irritably, “I want to see you!”

I tried to ignore how these words caused warmth to pool inside me. Because they weren’t meant in the way I wanted them to be. “Damian’s been missing a long time,” I told him gently, “and everyone is busy catching up with him. I’m not needed right now.”