Gothic Charm School (18 page)

Another reason to date someone who is not a Goth is that there are those in our spooky little subculture who…how can the Lady of the Manners phrase this? Who believe the hype, who believe that you must be hard-core ooky-spooky Goth all the time. There is a difference between someone who believes that every day is Halloween and someone who thinks that sleeping in a bed instead of a coffin means you're not a
Real Goth
. The Lady of the Manners feels that anyone who constantly needs to proclaim his gothness with
a capital “G” would not make a good romantic partner anyway and probably should be pitied, not dated. Why? Because anyone who needs to “name-drop” a personality trait or affiliation with a particular subculture is probably not…self-aware enough to be a good romantic partner. These people will be so wrapped up in trying to be the #1 spooksters in the graveyard that they may not have the time, energy, or emotional resources to play a true part in a relationship. In the Lady of the Manners's experience, these people are looking for an accessory to prove how spooky they are or someone who can add to their status in the Goth scene.

However, being involved with someone different from you is not without its challenges. There's the temptation to give your partner a gothy makeover. There's nothing wrong with that, of course, unless she really doesn't want to go out to the Goth club, doesn't feel comfortable wearing all black and eye makeup, doesn't want to watch Tim Burton movies over and over, or just don't feel that Goth is for her. And before you stomp your little stompy boots and wail, “But if he loved me, he'd change!” stop and think about how you might feel if the situation were reversed. What if your partner tried to make you over, change your appearance, or drag you along to things you weren't interested in all in an attempt to change you? That doesn't sound very enticing, does it?

Then, of course, there's the problem of not knowing whether your beloved is gently mocking your spooky little quirks in fond amusement or secretly thinks your inky-black wardrobe and Halloween-tinged outlook are ridiculous. If or when this particular specter of doubt starts rattling its chains, the Lady of the Manners suggests that you ask your beloved a direct question about your concerns. Very strongly suggests, as a matter of fact. There is nothing to be gained from trying to guess what is going on in your partner's head by analyzing his or her every reaction. That
sort of behavior will accomplish nothing but driving you crazy. Occasionally you must ask your romantic partner if he's rolling his eyes at you in a loving, teasing manner, or waiting for you to “grow out of this phase.” The first is perfectly fine and to be expected. (The Lady of the Manners herself has been known to ask her wonderful husband that question, usually after he sighs heavily upon finding her in the horror section of the used bookstore with her arms full of vampire novels.) The second reaction is one that should cause concern. As the Lady of the Manners pointed out just above, changing your partner to better suit you is not a particularly kind thing to do; however, waiting for your partner to grow out of a “phase” (be it hipster, punk, Goth, or any other subculture) goes a bit beyond unkind and hurtles straight down the path of resentment and heartbreak.

The Lady of the Manners is well aware that the “communication is important!” message has been covered by anyone who ever gave romantic advice in the history of time but does feel it needs to be repeated in this context too. If you don't feel you can ask the object of your affection these sorts of questions, what are you doing handing your heart over to her?

Of course, there's another side to the “But why are you with him/her?!” dilemma. Just what should one do if one detests the person with whom a dear friend is romantically involved?

Well, maybe “detests” is a little strong, but there is no getting around the fact that sometimes friends date people we don't like. Don't like, don't approve of, don't understand what our friends see in the companion…you get the picture.

So what to do? Well, there are a few paths to take, depending on how close the friendship is. If the person in question is a casual social acquaintance—someone you see only out at coffee or the clubs—then the Lady of the Manners is afraid you don't
really get to say anything. You're more than allowed to huddle in a corner with close friends and (quietly, oh so quietly) exclaim, “What does she see in him?!,” but as to marching up to your acquaintance and saying, “By the way, your taste in romantic partners is appalling and you need to have your head examined,” no. Not even if the horrible partner in question repeatedly sticks his foot in his mouth, shows no social skills, or wears white undergarments under sheer black clothing and insists on dancing under the black lights.

What if your acquaintance (basking in the glow of new love or something else) asks you what you think of the horrible partner? This is when you fall back on one of those tried and true clichéd phrases such as, “I hope she makes you very happy.” Keep in mind that you must say this with as much sincerity and enthusiasm as you can muster; no droning it out flatly or rolling your eyes, please. That could be just as offensive as telling your friend what you really think.

But what happens if one of your nearest and dearest friends is involved with a horrible partner? (As an aside: when the Lady of the Manners says “horrible partner,” she does
not
mean someone who is violent or abusive. If someone you care about is involved with that sort, then you need to urge your friend to reconsider, but you shouldn't expect your friend to listen to you. Sad but true.)

When someone you hold dear shows…dubious taste in romantic partners, it's depressing. “But you're so funny! So smart, so attractive! What are you doing with
him/her
?!” will run through your mind often, which is to be expected. Just don't actually say it to your friend. Yes, the Lady of the Manners is serious. Sometimes the best option is not to say anything and just bide your time. Perhaps on the day you were introduced, you or the horrible partner were having an off day. You never can tell, so just be patient and wait.

But what if time goes by and you become convinced your friend is dating a dud, that the horrible partner's horribleness can't be explained away by an off day? Now do you get to shake your friend and tell her she can do better?

No, you still don't. You also don't get to direct subtle (or not-so-subtle) insults at the person your friend is dating. You must try to be as polite as you can manage. Of course, your friend may notice that your interactions with his or her “twoo wuv” are a bit strained and ask you why. At this point, you should probably say something along the lines of, “I know———makes you happy; we've just never hit it off,” and then speak no more upon the matter, no matter how much your friend badgers you.

That's how it works in a perfect world, at least. How does it usually work in the real world? You still shouldn't try to shake some sense into your friend, but on those occasions when your friend and the horrible partner have quarreled, being the sympathetic ear and saying things like, “Are you sure you're happy with———?” and “Remember when———did [insert last thing that annoyed your friend]?” If you and your friend are in the midst of an emotionally deep, soul-bearing conversation and you have a very, very strong friendship, then and only then should you voice your concerns about the romance. Even then, you should choose your words carefully and be prepared for your friend to completely ignore you, if you're lucky. If you're unlucky, your comments may lead to arguments and angry silences.

The Lady of the Manners realizes none of this is much fun. But honestly, there isn't a simple way around the subject. One last bit of advice about all this: If and/or when your friend breaks up with the awful person, don't gloat. Don't go on and on about how, “I never liked him, I never understood what you saw in him, he was horrible and not good for you.” Just don't. Listen while your friend
rants (if your friend is so inclined), be supportive, and then do your best to arrange a meeting with someone much nicer.

Goths and Valentine's Day

By all rights, Goths should adore Valentine's Day. Decadent meals by candlelight, red roses, exquisite little extravagances tied up with satin bows. You would think that Goths, with their fondness for romance and decadence, would be delighted with the holiday and spend ages figuring out just what dramatic gesture would best express their emotions to the objects of their affection. In fact, many Goths do indulge in that sort of thing. But other Goths, well, don't. And are very loudly bitter about it.

You see, most Goths were, at one point or another, social outcasts. They may not have had many friends, and they almost certainly were single on at least a few Valentine's holidays, which can lead to not just angst-filled poetry, but feeling rather spiteful about the whole notion of this holiday of candy hearts and flowers. In addition, some feel that the whole holiday is nothing but an exercise in crass commercialism and consumption and that any true sentiment one feels like expressing shouldn't be defined by greeting cards, heart-shaped balloons, and mass-produced stuffed animals clutching plush red hearts.

The Lady of the Manners, having spent her share of Valentine's Days single and bitter, does understand these views (and has long since ritually burned her horrible attempts at poetry). But the Lady of the Manners has developed a fondness for all the hullabaloo and frippery of Valentine's Day over the years. The more cynical amongst you may be sneering, “Well, that's because you're married!” but having a beloved partner isn't the only reason that
the Lady of the Manners has come to appreciate the commercially hyped romantic holiday. When it comes right down to it, the Lady of the Manners is a romantic. Not just for herself and her dear husband, but for everyone. The Lady of the Manners wants people to have some sort of expressions of romance in their lives, and if the only way they're going to get them is via a box of chocolates and a bouquet of balloons every February 14, then so be it, and the Lady of the Manners will do her best to encourage it.

What does this have to do with other Goths? Oh, merely that the Lady of the Manners would like to implore them, no matter how gloomy they may be, not to set out to make others unhappy about the day of candy hearts and flowers. Do not respond to questions about your black clothing with statements such as, “I'm in mourning for love.” Do not hiss or growl at any happy couples you may see. Do not rant at length about how tawdry the whole holiday is and that you are sickened by the emphasis on hollow gestures tied up with pink ribbons. By all means, seethe to yourself (and perhaps a few friends), but please don't try to crush the happiness of others beneath your stompy boots.

But wait! What if you are a Goth who
is
celebrating Valentine's Day? Well then, Snarklings, you should give in to your wildly romantic impulses and create a memorable one. That doesn't mean bankrupting oneself, by the way. (Especially since certain romantic staples such as roses get bumped up in price to reflect the day.) No, a romantic gesture can be something as simple as a nicely written letter expressing your affection for your special someone. Or perhaps reading a chapter of a favorite book to your love. The Lady of the Manners is also fond of “traditional” gestures with a twist and thinks that a candlelit picnic (be it in a park, a graveyard, or even in someone's darkened apartment) is charming. (Yes, yes, the Lady of the Manners does consider all of those heart-shaped candies and
knick-knacks modeled after the shape of a real human heart to be amongst those traditional gestures with a twist.)

Valentine's Day is also a great reason to host a special theme night at the local Goth club. Zombie proms, voodoo dolls and heart pin cushions, open mic nights with prizes for the worst, most bitter love-stricken poetry; all of these are events that even the most lovelorn and jaded Goths would flock to. Who knows? Perhaps you will meet someone who sparks your interest at a heartbreak-themed event and have happier Valentine's Days in the future.

Breakups, heartbreak, and mobbing the newly single

All Goths are romantics, even if they vehemently deny it. Then why does the majority of the subculture profess to take a cynical view of the whole dating, love, and romance whirl? Because Goths are all idealistic romantics at heart and either don't want to be ridiculed or have been hurt too often.

So there you are in love and suddenly everything changes. “I need some space.” “I think we should just be friends.” “It's not you, it's me.” Or even, “I don't want to be involved with you,” with no further explanation. After hearing one of these statements, there are some very important things to keep in mind.

Don't ask for an explanation from your now-ex beloved. You might think that sort of information will make you feel better, but it won't. Knowing the reason for the breakup won't change the sinking feeling that someone you cared for doesn't want you anymore, and no amount of “friendly” talks with your ex will expunge
that feeling. Only time will do that. Besides, do you really want to be told, “Because I found someone else,” “I'm bored,” “I think you're a controlling, obsessive, abusive loony,” or other statements of that ilk? No, the Lady of the Manners didn't think so.

Yes, cry. Listen to “your” song (or listen to “Pictures of You” by The Cure on endless repeat, which is pretty much a Goth breakup tradition), get maudlin, and stare blankly at your surroundings. This provides necessary catharsis.

But—try not to do it in public. Because this is the big trick to surviving a breakup; when in public (and especially when you might run into your ex-beloved or ex-beloved's friends), you need to seem like you're doing okay. Yes, this is duplicitous and runs counter to a lot of pop psychology theories that advocate honesty and showing your true feelings no matter where you are, but think about it for a minute. If you give full vent to your feelings of anger, despair, and weepiness no matter where you are, eventually you will lose the sympathy of people who just don't want to deal with your continual emotional drama.