Goodbye to You (13 page)

I’m gonna miss the sex, nothing more. Being whole and desired. Not that I won’t be a whole person . . .

I discreetly glance at my boobs. I am so gonna miss these girls.

If they hadn’t been on such glorious display at Paddy’s a few days ago, this magnificent vacation fling might have never happened.

For this, I am grateful.

I move in tighter, my shoulder brushing his hard arm. The combination of sea and deodorant and mouthwash fills my lungs.

“Are you sure you guys don’t want me to take you to the airport?”

I hide my laugh, recalling the flash of hurt on his face when he asked the same question before we left his house. His compact hybrid, I told him, would not hold everything we brought with us, each with a suitcase, a carry-on, and a purse. And the extra suitcase for all the crap we bought here.

We’re better off on the airport shuttle, and it would give me the chance to say goodbye, collect myself, and be okay when I step on the plane.

If I let him drive me, I might never get out of the car, or leave Key West. My surgery is scheduled for three months out, so that’s not the best option.

All the things I love about this place are flying by in my peripheral vision: the marina, Paddy’s, the Duval Street experience, the museums, Truman’s Little Whitehouse . . . and Shay.

I feel him, smell him, but I’m trying not to look at him. If he stares at me with those gorgeous hazel eyes, framed by soot-black eyelashes, and asks me to stay, I’ll say yes.

A million times.

Yes.

We’re at the community gate much too soon, and then the condo door a couple hundred feet later.

I want him to kiss me goodbye. I want it to be one of those amazing, soul-churning kisses from the movies when the couple knows this may be the last time they’ll ever be together.

Shay props his elbow against the building, and I lay my head on his chest, his heartbeat strong in my ear.

“Thea, I’m . . . I’m not good with goodbyes.” He chuckles but doesn’t sound amused. “Heck, I’m not good with hellos either but I’m glad Paddy embarrassed me and called you over.”

I smile. I’m elated this happened too.

“You’ve got my number, and I’ll find you on Facebook and I’ll share those pics we took at the reef.”

I nod, a lump forming in my throat, making speech impossible.

“I’m going to miss you.” His voice cracks.

“Me too.” All other words fail me.

He slides his fingers under my chin, turning my face to his, to press his lips softly to mine. We hold the kiss for a few seconds. I break contact. I’m about to lose it and don’t want him to see these tears threatening to scald my cheeks.

“I need to go.” My voice is no more than a sad whisper.

“Okay.” He moves away, and little cracks edge around my heart.

“Bye.”

“Bye.” He pivots and walks away.

The keys in my hand rattle as I attempt to unlock the door.

“Thea, wait.”

His long legs carry him back to where I stand.

I don’t wait for him to reach me before I drop the keys and propel myself into his arms, locking my legs around his waist as he crushes his hot mouth to mine.

The bittersweet kiss is underscored by the saltiness coating our lips, from my tears, or his, or the sea air. His gaze stays fixed on me. I gasp at the fire in his eyes, and the sadness too. I breathe in as he breathes out, breathe out as he breathes in.

Though I’m leaving, I’ll take a bit of him with me in one of those precious breaths.

I unlock my legs and slide to the ground, my breasts tingling from the contact with his sculpted chest, electricity shooting from my belly out to my fingers and toes.

“Shay, I think I . . .”

He nods, releasing me from his arms, his own eyes shimmering with sadness. “Yeah, me too.”

He walks away, glancing over his shoulder, hand raised. I can’t bear to watch anymore.

Stupid, hot tears scald my face, tears I have no right to cry.

I snatch my purse from the ground and fumble with the door again, but Bennie and Leesh open it from the inside. The tears escape, and my girls pull me inside since I’ve lost the ability to move.

I let them hold me as I sob, the door closing behind me and shutting Shay out for the rest of my life.

Shay’s texted me a few times since I left Florida and even friended me on Facebook. Tried to friend me, I should say since I’ve been ignoring the request. He texted to say he wanted to share the pictures from our snorkeling trip, but I couldn’t bear to see him staring back at me on my Facebook feed every day.

I create a new e-mail account, texted him the address, and had him e-mail the pictures.

I downloaded the photos and deleted the account so he couldn’t send me any more e-mails.

It’s ridiculous I’m going to this much trouble to avoid him. He said he was going to medical school in North Carolina, but since there are five schools in the state, there’s an eighty percent chance he’s not here.

Even if he is here, the campus is massive, and I’m not on campus much since I’m not taking classes this semester.

I don’t want to run into him anywhere. I thought after a month the little stabs of pain in my heart whenever I thought about him would fade. Not a chance.

My heart hurts as much as the last day under the blazing Key West sun when we kissed each other goodbye. I cried and cried, and Bennie and Leesh took turns holding me and packing my things. I couldn’t even function to put clothes in a suitcase.

No guy’s ever had the iron-fist-to-the-gut impact on me.

I scan through the pictures, and the ones of the reef are gorgeous, the fish, the plant life, and the sea turtles as vivid as I remember.

The one I took of Shay and his dad is adorable.

Ugh.

Another punch to the gut.

Here’s one I don’t even remember. Shay lying on a large towel on the deck, and my head is on his stomach. I’m reading a magazine I borrowed from one of the other passengers. He looks like he’s sleeping, except for the small smile turning up the corners of his mouth and crinkling the corners of his eyes. I’m smiling too.

I slam the lid of my laptop shut, the reminders of what I’d lost kicking me in the ass.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

If I’d opened my legs, but not my heart, I would be okay.

When he told me about the car accident and his mom and his concern for his brothers, I fell so hard and so fast I couldn’t brace myself.

When he told me how his family hid the truth about his mother’s death, and how that made him despise secrets, I felt like I’d been kicked in the head by a pair of Doc Marten boots.

He’ll never know I was hiding something monumental—not like my surgery affected him—and since we aren’t friends (on Facebook or anywhere) he’ll never find out.

My phone buzzes. I’d called Jen earlier and left a message.

Not Jen. It’s Shay.

I don’t answer, instead sending him a quick text.

Me: Going into a job interview. Sorry can’t talk. What’s up?

Shay: Nothing much. Did you get the pics? I like the last few of us. ;)

The last few? There were more photos after the one of me lying on him? Good grief.

Me: Got them. Didn’t look yet. Had to get dressed for the interview.

Shay: Hope you like the pics. I like you undressed, but I bet you’re sexy as sin all dressed up.

Cripes, how do I respond? Though a stupid cloud of sadness still hangs above me, I’m flattered by his compliment. It’s rude to not respond, right?

Me: Thanks. I bet you’re handsome dressed up too. Hope school is good.

Shay: Maybe one day we can see each other dressed up. School is insane. Good luck. TTYL

Yeah. Never going to happen.

Thankfully the exchange is done, and I run to my bedroom to grab a light cardigan and fix my hair. Since vacation, I pay more attention to my appearance, throwing on a smidge of make-up and doing more than pull my hair back into a ponytail.

You could say it’s Shay’s fault, but it’s been good for me, in a sense. I’m more confident, and I need that before my mastectomy.

The thought of having my breasts lopped off makes me appreciate other things about myself more.

I head out the door and jump in my little red pick-up truck, my high school graduation present from Daddy. The truck wasn’t new four years ago, and it’s showing signs of age, but she’s my baby and gets me where I need to be.

Today I’m having lunch with Leesh. She’s in her first week at her new job in the administrator’s office. She wants to dish on all the hospital gossip, which will be a pleasant distraction from Shay.

I would walk if black clouds weren’t hanging over the city because parking stinks. I’m happy to find a space.

As I exit the garage and cross the pedestrian bridge, my phone buzzes again. I check my text.

Leesh: Was taking notes in meeting for boss man. Ran late and need to type and send before leaving. 20 minutes?

I respond “yep” and make my way to the lobby coffee shop to grab a cappuccino while I wait. I lean against the wall by the elevator, tapping my toe in time to the easy listening song playing in the café.

One that played on the boat the day out on the reef.

ugh.

Why can’t someone like Agents J and K from
Men in Black
come erase all memory of the entire vacation from my head?

Someone’s behind me, asking for directions, saying, “Excuse me, I’m sorry to bother you. I’m looking for the neuropsych offices. Can you tell me how to get to that floor?” The words bleed together, and I turn to find out if I’m hearing things because this guy talking sounds an awful lot like
him
.

“Oh fuck!”