Goddesses Never Age: The Secret Prescription for Radiance, Vitality, and Well-Being (7 page)

I remember when I was married, I used to avoid telling my husband if I was going to get a massage. It felt so decadent and self-indulgent—as if self-indulgence is a bad thing. I thought he wouldn’t agree with my spending money on something “frivolous” like a massage. He never actually criticized me for doing this, but I had internalized the cultural message that women shouldn’t “waste” money on their own pleasure. Many women would instantly hand over the same amount of money to their teenager to enjoy himself on a class trip, or would spend it on a present for a family member or donate it to charity. But spend it on themselves and their bodily pleasures?

It’s important not just to get the massage but to get it without feeling guilt. If you hesitate to spend the money, find a discounted way to get a massage. One woman’s husband signed up for text messages from the local beauty school so he could be alerted to discounted same-day massages and set them up for her. It’s a smart man who knows the value of making his woman feel deliciously relaxed.

If you still find it hard to justify the time and expense required to give yourself the pleasurable experiences you crave, think about how easy it is for so many men to let themselves go off with their friends to have fun and indulge in nine holes of golf or a pricey concert. They haven’t received a constant cultural message that taking care of their needs is selfish, so they don’t worry and ask themselves,
What will people think?
or
Should I really be spending money on this?

Deprivation is a puritanical value that is not conducive to alleviating stress and inflammation or to experiencing bursts of nitric oxide. Frugality and morality have become inextricably linked in our minds. It’s an obsolete mind-set. Women’s bodies, like Mother Earth, are designed to be a source of abundant pleasure. They are a reflection of that earth, the mother that brings forth life by working with the energy of the sun and all the elements. The sun feeds the plants, the plants feed the animals and us, and we flourish in abundance. The creatures lay plenty of eggs to hatch into new life or to serve as food that nourishes other animals. The trees drop more seeds than will ever grow into seedlings, and the birds eat them up. We get to enjoy the harvest of the earth, from the fresh fruits and vegetables she brings forth to the earthy smell of the rain-soaked soil that has been fertilized by earthworms.
That
is heaven on earth!

Don’t hold back from pleasure. Be direct rather than apologetic or coy. Know and ask for what you enjoy, want, and deserve. Don’t settle for what you think should be “enough” to satisfy you. If you want to spend the entire evening watching junk TV and giving yourself a pedicure instead of going to a community meeting you said you’d attend purely out of a sense of obligation, go for it.

Such simple pleasures may seem obvious, but they actually do reduce stress and, by extension, inflammation. You may even experience a burst of nitric oxide.

My prescription for general health is to experience more pleasure every day. Take a minute to put this book down and make a list of as many joyful activities and experiences as you can. Think of big ones as well as small ones: Heating the seat in your car on a cold day. Opening the door on a particularly clear morning and smelling the air. Relishing the first moment when you step into a warm bath. Acknowledging that you’ve hit a new level of fitness and feel completely in tune with your body. How can you have these experiences more often? How can you make boring, everyday activities you do mindlessly into succulent pleasures? How about putting on a great rock-and-roll playlist or Pandora station when you have some cleaning to do? It will change your mood entirely. And you’ll enjoy the cleaning process far more!

RITUALISTIC PLEASURES

You don’t have to swear off chocolate, rich foods, or alcohol completely to be a goddess of pleasure. In fact, studies of healthy centenarians show that these individuals enjoy things like alcohol, cigars, and chocolate as rituals of pleasure. The key is
ritual.
If you slow down and mindfully indulge in the ritual, even if you do it daily, your body will experience that food, drink, or cigar differently than it would if you consumed it while on the run—or if you used it as a means of distracting yourself from your anger or sadness. In a ritual, you consume consciously. Think of a Japanese tea ceremony—you don’t rush the experience. You enjoy it fully as you take your time.

If you’re going to have some chocolate cake, don’t purchase some highly processed or cheap version. Buy or make the best possible quality treat, sit down in a comfortable place of beauty and grace, and pay attention as you slowly savor it. Again, make it a ritual. Remember the scene in
When Harry Met Sally …
when Meg Ryan fakes an orgasm during lunch? Have what she’s having! And I don’t mean fake an orgasm, either. Let yourself feel
the desire to moan or sigh in delight over how wonderful it is to pamper yourself. Otherwise, the sugary treat just isn’t worth it, and you’re better off enjoying some pleasures that are truly guilt-free for you.

What I’m describing is very different from drinking, smoking, or eating as an addiction. I’ve found that people can be divided into two groups: the moderators and the abstainers. Moderators are able to enjoy a small bowl of ice cream and leave it at that. Abstainers find that one bowl of ice cream inevitably leads to finishing off the carton, and one cookie is never enough. Abstainers tend to do best when they abstain from all sugar for five or six days per week, leaving a day or two for eating whatever they want. Are you a moderator or an abstainer? If you “can’t eat just one,” like the TV commercial says, it’s especially important to make use of all your other options for pleasure seeking.

You have so many options! Sit in your backyard with some friends on a hot summer night and stick your feet in a kiddie pool filled with cool water. Find yourself a porch swing and sit there gently rocking back and forth as you watch the colors of the sunset. Walk barefoot on the grass or a sandy beach. Go out into the forest for a hike. Let the earth renew you. Open yourself to receiving the prana and energy of nature that is all around you.

Find pleasure in your body, not just sexually but sensually. Truly delight in tastes, smells, sights, sounds, and tactile sensations such as the deep touch of a massage or the light touch of soft fabric or a feather against your skin. When you feel good inside your clothes, it shows in your attitude and mood. If you can’t have pleasure, go for comfort. Ditch the stiff clothing and wear something that flows. Put on perfume when you’re not expecting to go anywhere special, if you enjoy the scent. Spritz the room with it. There are companies that charge a lot of money for a “scent design,” which gives a store an inviting ambience. Use scent to make your car or home a more pleasurable environment. And play music or recordings of natural, soothing sounds when you’re working or doing chores. These activities can become rituals of pleasure too.

WINGWOMEN

I strongly believe in having “wingwomen” who support you in making time for pleasure. Get a friend or two to commit to going with you to the group meditation, organic food tasting, or folk dancing night at the community center so you’ll encourage each other not to break the date. And if your girlfriends or your partner aren’t interested in an activity, there’s no reason to deny yourself the enjoyment. To me, one of the greatest things about social media is that it can be a means for finding others who share your interests. If you use it right, you can start a conversation with someone in the virtual world and carry it over to a real-life meeting at a coffee shop, event, or class. Just be sure you arrange to have experiences offline that are pleasurable and social. Most of our communication is nonverbal, so when you physically get together with people, you can communicate more richly.

Take pleasure in your friends’ experiences too. People often get depressed and jealous reading the social media posts of others when those posts are about vacations, accomplishments, and so on. Yet people who post positive statements or share positive stories and videos on social media report greater happiness as a result. If you want to be happy, you have to let go of the belief that life is a zero-sum model—that if you’re happy, somehow you’re taking happiness away from someone else. Discard the old idea that there’s only so much money, pleasure, joy, or rest to go around: it’s simply not true. When it comes to pleasure and happiness, you can actually train your body to feel more and more of these emotions by being mindful and fully present. Your triumph isn’t someone else’s loss. When someone’s doing really well, a part of you is uplifted—unless you give in to jealousy and resentment. When you pass a gorgeous young woman on the street, don’t think,
I wish I had her body and her skin.
Think,
She’s a part of me.
Smile and enjoy her beauty. Enfold it into your own experience. You’re a part of her too, and she is able to experience your wisdom because you put that out into the world. She can experience the joy of experiencing your pleasure as you smile at her.

Exercise: Brag, Be Grateful, and Let Yourself Desire Something

OPTIMISM AND PLEASURE

Pessimism can be a bad habit. So can negative thinking or self-talk. And trust me, that’s all they are—habits of thought that can be broken. You may have grown up in a family that had a propensity toward depression and chose to identify with it, saying, “That’s just how we are in this family.” I don’t care what
your family’s culture is or whether your brain is currently wired for negativity. You have the power to change that. The research of Dr. Joe Dispenza, documented in his book
You Are the Placebo: Making Your Mind Matter
(Hay House, 2014), demonstrates that “neurons that fire together wire together” really is true. First, you have to set an intention to change your habits of mind, and then you have to take action. You have to generate new feeling states associated with the more exalted emotions of happiness and joy. You have to see and feel yourself behaving in new, uplifting ways and reinforce the new behaviors through affirmations and self-reflection, such as journaling. Research shows that adopting habits of gratitude leads to greater optimism. You can make a conscious choice to establish habits that support optimism and pleasure and enhance your mood through healthy foods, therapy, exercise, humor, Al-Anon or other 12-step programs, or even the simple awareness and expression of gratitude.

Use positive language when describing your life. If you feel you have a “heavy” schedule or are “crazy busy,” that’s going to weigh you down, mentally stress you, and make it harder for you to slow down, relax, and feel the lightness of pleasure. Use your language to reinforce the joy of being busy. Say, “My schedule this week is absolutely rich!”

Have you received awards in the past? Do you have objects that remind you of your accomplishments, your brilliance, or your beauty? Display them in your home or office rather than putting them in a drawer because someone might think you’re “full of yourself.” Be “full of yourself” and enjoy it.

Abe Lincoln is said to have declared, “Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Make up your mind to be happier and you will be—
if
you follow through by practicing pleasure. You must take action! Choosing to be positive and optimistic is a discipline, and it takes courage. It’s much easier to be negative than joyful. Don’t allow yourself the negative self-indulgence of seeing the glass as perpetually half empty.

When you commit to the discipline of optimism, you’ll also be less likely to slip back into the Western medical model’s focus on “What’s going to fall apart next?” Our medical system is centered on finding and identifying problems, and it works on the self-fulfilling prophecy of “Your body is going to break down, so be vigilant.” Choose to think differently. Your body isn’t a flawed creation just waiting for a chance to betray you or punish
you. Health setbacks and bad test results are messages from your body that you’re not taking the best care of it. Listen to the message and change your habits to help your body heal itself. Remember, your body is constantly regenerating at a cellular level. You have a new stomach lining every three days! Forget waiting for a bad diagnosis. Enjoy your body in its current state of health even as you’re happily working toward greater pleasure, greater wellness, and greater fun. The body regenerates in an environment created by your thoughts, emotions, and expectations, so make sure they’re positive.