Goddess Bared: Goddess Series Book 5 (Young Adult / New Adult) (5 page)

He shut his eyes because he knew that was true. “In time, Legacy, you’ll
—
”

“No. I don’t want to think about that,” she said quickly. She couldn’t even contemplate being in love with any man other than Adin. He was her life, her love. He had her heart, and as far as she was concerned, he’d always have it.

River opened his eyes and nodded.

After a moment of being lost in her thoughts, a new course dawned on her that might help River, and she smiled softly at him. “You know, when I asked you to tell me about your feelings, you said you missed me. But what I really think you miss is the
idea
of me.” River’s eyes narrowed slightly while she spoke. “You’ve been so wrapped up in your love for me that you haven’t really lived, enjoyed your life. You can still find someone to love. What you said about falling in love together, you can have that with someone—the woman you’re meant to have that with—if you just open your heart up to it.”

River looked down. “My heart hasn’t been available for a really long time.”

“But now it is,” she murmured.

River sighed. “I don’t want to think of it like that. I wanted to be with you so badly.”

“I know. But no matter who you fall in love with, you’ll always be my best friend, River. And I’ll always be your baby.” She smiled crookedly at him, and he chuckled then sighed.

“I won’t push you into moving on with your life if you won’t push me to do that either,” he bargained.

“That’s fair.” She knew he wasn’t ready right now, but she also knew she needed to coax him along. He was her best friend, and he needed her. If he found happiness again, then maybe she could live vicariously through him.

After several minutes of looking into each other’s eyes, she was beginning to feel like River would be okay after he’d had a little more time to deal and with a little nudging from her when the occasion called for it. Since she was able to help him with his silent pain tonight, she hoped he could help her with something she’d been struggling with quietly too.

“River, can I ask you something?” She wasn’t sure how well this conversation was about to go, but she knew she needed to get this out. She looked nervously at her hands.

“Anything.”

“I want you to be completely honest with me, okay?” she asked as she looked up at him through her eyelashes.

“Is that your question, or is there more?” He chuckled. His humor was already returning. That was a good sign, but she needed to focus.

“There’s more,” she said, sitting up and looking at him face-to-face.

He took a deep breath. “I’ll try my best.”

“Have you been lying to me about anything?”

He was thrown by her question. He seemed to contemplate it before answering. “Not that I’m aware of. Why?”

“Is it possible for you to lie to me without your knowledge?” She almost laughed.

River did laugh. “No, but like I told you before, there were a lot of things I did to…” He looked down, ashamed. “Deceive you.” Looking back up, he said, “I didn’t exactly keep a catalogue or anything.”

“Right.” She took a deep breath while she looked away. What all had he really lied to her about? She wondered.

“What is it?” he asked, tilting his head, forcing her to look him in the eye.

“I’ve been having another dream.”

“Since when?” Serious now.

“All winter.”

He frowned as he thought about that. She hadn’t come to him about it before because she was deceiving him. But they were past that now. “What’s it about?”

She recited the short dream in detail.

“And you think this dream’s about me?” he asked, almost offended.

“Well, I figured you were the likely subject, yes, but you and Adin are—er, were—the only men in my life. I’ve known you played me, so it was easy to assume the dream was about you too.”

“Do you think I’m evil?”

“No,” she breathed, reaching up to stroke his arm. “I just don’t understand it.”

River nodded. “Well, I don’t think I’ll be much help with this one. The dream doesn’t seem to be cryptic. In fact, it’s pretty straightforward. Someone’s doing you dirty, but I don’t know who.”

“That makes two of us,” she muttered.

Legacy and River tossed around ideas who the dream could be referring to, but neither of them had any luck. Without more clues, the guesses would remain idle possibilities without any concrete connection.

When River got ready to leave, she walked him to the door and hugged him. He held onto her like he’d been doing all winter while he gently stroked her back. But instead of it feeling like he was stealing a moment with her or indulging himself, it felt automatic—like he was doing it because it was a habit. She pulled away from him and looked into his eyes, but he was looking up at the ceiling.

“This will get easier, you know,” she whispered.

River nodded without making eye contact, kissed her on the forehead, and left.

Chapter Five

Another week went by of dreaded loneliness. Not only did Legacy not have Adin anymore, but she also didn’t have River. Not really. He was still her best friend, but he was putting up walls between them. Not only had he stopped walking her to the classes she didn’t have with him, but he hadn’t always sat beside her at lunch. He didn’t go out of his way to keep from sitting beside her, but he didn’t go out of his way to make sure he did either.

She knew he was acting this way because he didn’t know how to deal with the loss of his love for her, so she didn’t take it personally. Once he coped, he’d be the friend she missed. She just needed to give him time. At least he had a light at the end of his dreary tunnel. Her tunnel remained a black hole of despair.

Her aching heart was having an even more difficult time coping this week. She knew it was silly to miss Adin even more because of the upcoming holiday, but she did. In the back of her mind, she understood this holiday was commercialism at its best, but if she was being honest, she was a commercial type of girl, sort of. At any rate, this upcoming day would be even more brutal than any of the other days that immediately preceded and followed it.

Valentine’s Day.

What an asinine celebratory tradition! The stores were covered with red and pink hearts with little paper cupids plastered everywhere as a painful reminder to those who didn’t have someone to share this holiday with that they were all a bunch of pathetic losers. Worse, actually…a bunch of pathetic
lonely
losers. Yep, she couldn’t forget the lonely part. At least Valentine’s Day was on a Saturday this year—she wouldn’t have to sit at school and watch all those girls get flowers, balloons, candy, and the rest of the crap that was marked up to take advantage of the poor fools who had to purchase them as a way to confess their affection for their loved ones.

Was she a little bit bitter? Definitely.

But at least she could sit at home and pretend she wasn’t alone. She had Adin’s journal to keep her company most of the day, and she already knew how she wanted to spend the holiday evening. It wasn’t much, but it’d make her feel closer to the love she lost. She just had to make it to the weekend without ripping up a paper heart or choking on “Be Mine” candy hearts.

Fortunately, by lunchtime on Friday, she wasn’t the only one who was dreading the following day. Most of the lunchtime crowd was in the holiday funk. River sat across from her and Calli. Kate sat on the other side. Seth sat on the other side of River. Ellen sat between Kate and Thad. Even though Seth and Kate were not seeing each other, it was obvious to everyone else they both wished otherwise. Since Adin’s death, her bond with River gone, and Seth and Kate’s breakup, their lunchtime ritual tended to be filled with more stress than school actually was. But they all usually acted as if nothing was amiss.
Normally
. With Valentine’s Day tomorrow, none of them could escape that.

Ellen and Thad were the only ones laughing among themselves and talking about their plans for tomorrow, which actually started tonight—Thad was taking her out to eat to avoid the crowds and then cooking her a romantic dinner at home tomorrow.

Legacy was cramming bite after bite of her lunch into her mouth. Eating kept her from talking, which kept her from either being sad or bitching. It was a pathetic plan for a pitiful person, but hey, it was the best she had under the circumstances. If she had to gain a few pounds to get through the weekend, who cared?

She’d just downed the last bite of her food when Calli sighed. “That’s it! I can’t take it anymore,” Calli said, looking over at her.

Legacy’s head snapped in her direction, and everyone at the table looked at her. Uh-oh, Calli was going to snap. Check that. The color of her face was evidence that the snapping had already occurred.

“I hate this holiday! I think we should have a girls’ night out tonight. I’d suggest doing it tomorrow, but I just might throw up if I have to see one more happy couple!”

Her little fit made Legacy smile. Oh yeah, Calli was in snapsville. It was bound to happen. She should’ve been stuffing her face like Legacy. “Um, what did you have in mind?”

“Honestly, I don’t care.” Looking over at Kate, she said, “What do you want to do?” And the fun continued. Legacy stifled a laugh at Kate’s wide eyes. But she almost lost when she saw Seth shooting Kate a frantic look and then tried to look away before anybody noticed.
Busted.

Kate’s eyes flashed to her ex after he looked away from her. “Er, I-I don’t know.”

“Well, among the three of us, we should be able to figure something out. Be at my house at seven.” Calli looked over at Legacy. “And look hot.”

Her smile died. No way did she want to dress as if she were advertising fresh meat. She shook her head while she stared at her BFF, but saw River looking at both of them. “I don’t really want to get dressed up, Calli.”

“Too bad. I want to go out and have fun. Maybe we can go to Teen Scene.”

The Teen Scene was a nightclub of sorts for teenagers in the city. With all the hoopla of the lovers’ weekend ahead, they’d been advertising a singles’ night tonight. Legacy wouldn’t only be fresh meat, she’d have to fight off all those who wanted free samples. No, thank you. “
Calli
, I really don’t want to go somewhere where I’ll be hit on by a bunch of obnoxious jerks,” she said, frowning at her BFF while she gathered up her trash.

“Well, I do.”

“Ugh.” She rolled her eyes, shaking her head. “Why? It’s degrading and I—”

“And
you
have an obligation as the best friend in this relationship to indulge me. Don’t make me beg. You’re going to go anyway and it’ll just piss me off.”

There was no way she was getting out of this. “Fine. I’ll be there at seven.” Calli looked over at Kate with her eyebrows raised. Boy, she wasn’t taking no for an answer from either one of them.

“Seven,” Kate agreed reluctantly.

Legacy looked back at Calli. “Happy?”

“Not yet.” She smiled. “I’ll let you know tomorrow.”

She couldn’t help but laugh at her BFF’s logic while they all got up and headed back to school. When Calli set her sights on something, she always hit her target. And tonight, that was going to be partying with the girls. Legacy wasn’t looking forward to it, but her friend needed this, so she’d grit her teeth and endure.

That evening, Legacy searched her closet for the sexiest thing she could find. A short skirt, tight top, high heels. She teased her hair and applied heavy makeup. Sure, she looked hot, but she felt ridiculous. Was this how Laurel Kavanaugh felt when she hit the Scene? Legacy shuddered. There was a fine line between looking classy and looking trashy, and she knew she was dancing all over that line. She had to remind herself she was doing this for Calli.

She took one last long look at herself in the mirror, grabbed her keys, and got in her Porsche before she could truly regret agreeing to this.

Once she was in the car, she smiled. At least the car still smelled like Adin, though she wasn’t sure how much longer that’d be the case. Pretty soon, she’d lose that too. Her smile faded.

“How do I look, sweetie?” she murmured as she pulled out of her driveway and headed to Calli’s. She imagined Adin looking at her like he had the morning of the pool party. Then several of the gazes he’d given to her were flashing through her mind as she drove. At least she had her memories. She could always rely on those. Unless she lost them over time, because she’d somehow become less attached to them and allowed them to drift away, never to have been thought of again.

Never.
She shook off that thought as she pulled into Calli’s estate. Tonight would be difficult enough without dwelling on anything negative right now. She still had to the biggest obstacle to face this weekend—spending the holiday alone.

Alone. She shook her head as she got out of her car.

Get used to it
.

Chapter Six

“You look great!” Calli yelled to Legacy as she walked out of her house.

“Thanks. So do you.” She glanced over at Kate. “You too, Kate.” Both of the girls wore skirts and stilettos too.

“Thanks, Legacy. Calli’s right, you do look great.”

“Thanks.” She glanced over at Calli. “So, how are we doing this? We riding with you? Taking separate vehicles? What?”

“I’ll drive.” Calli said. “No need in taking three cars.”

Legacy and Kate climbed into Calli’s BMW, and they headed to the club. Calli cranked up the radio, listening to dance music to help set the mood for the evening. It felt a little forced to Legacy, but she was going to try to do her best not to let her real emotions bring down Calli’s night out. After they parked and went inside, they secured a small pub table right by the dance floor.

“I’m getting a drink. Want me to bring you back something?” Calli asked.

“Sure.”

“I’ll come with,” Kate said.

Legacy sat at the table alone, looking around the crowded room. It was full of people laughing, talking, and dancing. Everyone looked so…so happy. She took a deep breath, shutting her eyes as she exhaled. She needed to put on a brave, happy front for Calli’s sake. It had been months since she and Zach broke up. She needed to move on. Maybe if Calli moved on, then that’d give her some kind of time frame of reference for when River would, and then things could get back to normal between the two of them.

Calli and Kate brought back their drinks, and they all sipped them while chatting.

“Mr. Blue Eyes in the corner has been eyeing you since you got back to the table,” Legacy said to Calli.

Calli glanced over at him and looked back at Legacy. “Not bad. Mr. Red Sweater has been eyeing you since you we walked in,” Calli said.

Legacy glanced around the room. “There’re about a hundred guys wearing red. It’s Valentine’s Day weekend.” She laughed.

Calli laughed too. “And I’m sure one of them is eyeing you.” She smirked.

Legacy laughed and rolled her eyes.

“Let’s dance,” Kate said, putting her empty glass on the table. “I don’t want to go out there alone.”

Legacy and Calli finished their drinks, and they all went out on the dance floor. After the first couple of dances, Legacy started feeling a little relaxed and actually began enjoying herself. She always liked dancing, but it was comical to see some of the other people out here trying, unsuccessfully, to do so.

After several fast songs, the DJ played a slow song, so that was her sign to exit the floor. She was ready for a break anyway. The girls followed her to get another drink, and they sat at the table. After a few minutes, a figure caught the corner of Legacy’s eye. Her head whipped in the direction of where he was, and he was headed straight for her.

It was River, and he wasn’t alone. Seth and Paul were walking right beside him.

River was looking to the side when she saw him, so he hadn’t noticed she’d seen him. She quickly turned to Calli. “The guys are here.”

“What? Who?” Calli asked, looking around the room. Then she gasped.

She looked over at Kate. “Seth’s here.”

Kate’s head popped up, just as the guys were nearing their table.

“Hey,” Paul said to Calli as he walked around and hugged her. “Happy Valentine’s Day.”

“Hi, Paul. Happy Valentine’s Day to you too.”

All of the guys hugged each of them and told them how pretty they all looked. When River hugged her, it felt awkward, but she pretended she didn’t notice. When Seth hugged Kate, it also seemed awkward, but in a different way. It almost seemed like they both wanted to hold on a little longer.

“So-o-o…what are you guys doing here?” Legacy asked as they squeezed around the table. She was sitting between Calli and Kate. River stood beside Kate, and Paul stood beside Calli. Seth stood in the middle of the guys across from Legacy.

Paul shrugged. “River mentioned you were having a girls’ night, so I suggested we crash. They didn’t want to, but I talked them into it.”

“What a great idea, Paul,” Calli said.

River smiled, but he looked uncomfortable. Then he looked over at Kate sitting next to him. “Kate, would you like to dance?”

Legacy’s gaze flashed over to her to see what her response would be. She didn’t have to look to know that Seth did too.

“Um, sure.” She got up, and River took her hand, leading her out to the dance floor, not looking at Legacy.

She glanced at Calli with a forced smile on her face, but she didn’t have an opportunity to comment.

“Hey, Calli, want to dance?” Paul asked.

She looked at him and smiled, but then looked at Legacy.

“Go ahead. I’ll be fine.” Legacy smiled.

She looked back at Paul. “Yeah, sure.”

Calli and Paul headed to the dance floor while Legacy sat there with Seth. They stared at each other for a few seconds, wondering what to say, and she was hoping he wouldn’t ask her to dance with him. She really didn’t want to dance with any man, and she didn’t want to hurt his feelings. If he asked, she’d probably agree, which was why she didn’t want to be asked.

“So, how’ve you been?” Seth asked as an icebreaker. Then he shook his head. “Sorry. That was probably insensitive.”

“Oh no, um, I’ve been okay, I guess. How about you?”

“Honestly?” he asked, glancing over his shoulder, looking at the dance floor.

Her eyebrows furrowed, and she nodded. “Of course.”

“Miserable.” He sighed, shaking his head. “I miss Kate. That’s why I agreed to come out here tonight. I couldn’t stand the idea of some other guy hitting on her.”

She chuckled. “Well, River was quick to ask her to dance.”

Seth half-smiled. “Yeah, I asked him if he’d do that,” he said sheepishly.

She stared at him incredulously. “Why?”

“Because I can’t ask her. If River dances with her, then I don’t have to worry about some other guy asking her.”

She rolled her eyes. “You know, Seth, I think Kate misses you too.”

Seth’s smile faded while he stared at me. “W-why do you think that?”

“Because she’s always staring at you when you’re not looking, and she seems to always want to be near you.”

“You’re just saying that,” he mumbled, looking down at his nervous hands.

Maybe she couldn’t help River tonight, but she could help his friend. “Seth, maybe you should talk to her.”

“I-I don’t know.” He shrugged, looking back over his shoulder, seeking out Kate.

“Take it from me. You don’t want to spend your life pushing away the one you want. There may come a day when you’ve lost that chance forever.” If she’d learned one lesson, it was that.

Seth looked back at her. “But she doesn’t feel about me the way I feel about her.”

“So? No one is the same. We all feel differently and develop feelings at our own pace.”

“Yeah,” he muttered, looking at the dance floor again.

“Look, you can’t keep your eyes off her.” She giggled. He turned back around with a chuckle. “There’s nothing wrong with just talking to her,” she pressed. Seth smiled, so she went in for the kill. “Don’t be chicken, Seth Goode! Or maybe you don’t really have any balls?” She smirked.

He laughed as the rest of the crew came back to the table, and Seth and Kate stole a few glances at each other when the other wasn’t looking. Finally, Seth stepped over to her. Kate’s mouth fell open, her eyes wide, as she stared at him before her.

“Would you like to dance?” He smiled softly at her while he waited for her response. Kate must have been too shocked to speak because she just nodded. Seth took her hand as she got off the stool and he led her to the dance floor.

They all watched while the two danced and talked. They smiled at each other from time to time, but for the most part, they stared into each other’s eyes. And after several songs played, everyone realized they would not be leaving the dance floor anytime soon.

Just when Legacy turned to Calli, she saw Paul stand up and walk between them. She assumed he was about to ask Calli to dance again, which would leave her here alone with River, but she was wrong.

“Legacy, would you like to dance with me?” Paul asked.

“Huh?” She couldn’t keep the shocked expression from forming on her face.

River and Calli both laughed.

“Wow. What a blow to my ego,” Paul said, laughing with them. “Is that look of horror a no?”

“Er, sorry.” She glanced at Calli and River, but they were both looking at Paul. She looked back at him. “O-okay,” she said shakily as she stood up. Paul took her hand, but before they could walk away from the table, River walked over to Calli.

“Want to dance?” he asked her. “I’m still good at it.”

Calli laughed. “Sure.”

Legacy felt extremely awkward dancing with Paul. They hardly ever talked, and here she was, arms wrapped around him as they swayed to the music.

“Did River put you up to this?” she whispered.

“Yep.”

Legacy chuckled. “You’re not even going to pretend he didn’t.”

“Nope. Of course he doesn’t expect me to tell you that, but I figured you’d be smart enough to figure it out.”

“Right,” she said, glancing over at River and Calli.

“And I’ll deny it if you tell him I blabbed,” Paul said, chuckling.

“I won’t rat you out.” She kept her gaze on River and Calli. Neither one was talking, so she figured they were a little uncomfortable with being paired up. “Well, you did what River asked. Now, let’s cut in. I’ll take River. You take Calli.”

“Excellent idea!” Paul twirled them over to River and Calli.

“We’re cutting in,” Legacy announced. Paul pulled Calli’s hand away from River. River and Calli laughed as they were separated. Then Paul twirled Calli away.

Legacy stared at River while his smile faded. He wasn’t making a move, so she put her hands out, welcoming him to take them. He glanced at her hands, and then he stepped up to her. They wrapped their arms around each other and danced. After several seconds of uncomfortable silence, she leaned her head against his shoulder. He held her a little tighter and tilted his head down, kissing the top of her head.

“What’s with the cold shoulder lately?” she asked.

She felt River’s big arms shrug around her. He didn’t say anything, but he kept his face in her hair.

“You don’t have to feel bad about not wanting to be with me anymore,” she whispered.

“It’s not that, Legacy,” he murmured in her hair. “I just don’t know how to accept what’s happened.”

She lifted her head and stared at him. In her heels, she was almost as tall as he was. Since they were so close, their faces were within inches of each other. “I miss my friend,” she said as she stared into his eyes.

“I miss you too,” he said, his forehead coming to rest against hers.

“I…I know this is selfish of me to say, but I still need you, River. I don’t like you avoiding me.”

“I’m, er, I’m not really avoiding you. I’m just trying to give us some space.”

She giggled. “What’s the difference?”

River flashed a crooked smile. “I’m not sure. It just sounds better, I guess.”

“Do you want space from me?” she asked softly.

“No,” he breathed.

“Then why are you creating space when we don’t need it?”

“I-I don’t know. I guess I do feel bad I don’t want to be with you anymore.” He groaned, shaking his head against hers. “I feel like such a jackass just saying that!”

She leaned back and put her hands and his face. “I want you to be happy, River.”

“I want you to be happy, too, baby,” he whispered.

“Then stop avoiding me and start being my obnoxious best friend again.”

River chuckled, but his humor didn’t last. He leaned his head back down, pulling her back against him.

She sighed into his neck. “Look, River, neither of us planned this, and we can’t help what’s happened. I still
need
you in my life. I still
want
you in my life.”

“I still need you too,” he breathed.

“Then stop feeling guilty, and don’t tell me you don’t ‘cause I know you do.”

“You’re right.
Shit.
I feel guilty. This is my fault. Even if I wanted to still be with you, I know now I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve anyone.”

Her head popped up, and she stared at him. “Stop it, River. That’s enough. You made a mistake, and it backfired. You have to let it go. I want you to let it go.”

He looked away from her, so she cupped his chin and forced him to meet her gaze.

“Please,
please
. For me. I want you to let this go and forgive yourself. I have enough things to worry about as it is. I don’t want to be worrying about this too.”

“Legacy,” River whispered, shaking his head.

“No! I’m serious. No one’s perfect, River. You’re not in love with me anymore. Fine. I’m not in love with you either. You don’t need to feel guilty about not wanting to be with me. Even if you were still in love with me, I wouldn’t be with you. You are my best friend. There are things I’ve talked to you about before I ever considered talking to anyone else. Because you’re my best friend, I do want you to fall in love again. On your own terms. I’m not going to try and push you into a relationship with some girl, but, River, I’m not going to sit by and watch you waste away because you think you don’t deserve to be happy.”

He stared at her. “I’m not ready to move on with someone new,” he said slowly.

“That’s fine. But you will.”