God on Sex: The Creator's Ideas About Love, Intimacy, and Marriage (2 page)

First, Charlotte had been asked to name the last thing I had fixed at our home. Now, you need to understand, I had a “mechanical bypass” performed at birth! I struggle to change a lightbulb without burning my finger or shocking myself. I was absolutely blank in trying to come up with anything. Finally, out of time and in desperation, I said, “Can you say NOTHING!” The crowd exploded in applause as Charlotte held up a card that said “NOTHING!”

Second, the wives were asked, “What is your husband's favorite book of the Bible?” Well, all the other couples missed it. One wife said “John,” but her husband said “Romans.” Another wife said “Philippians,” but her husband said “1 John.” When it came my turn, I must confess I was a bit haughty. I said, “Folks this isn't fair. I'm certain that on that card in my wife's lap is written ‘The Song of Solomon!'” This time the crowd went nuts as Charlotte held up the answer she had written: “The Song of Solomon.”

Why do I love this book so much? What is its attraction? It is because this side of heaven, outside of having a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, the Son of God, I believe the best thing going is marriage and family. When we do marriage and family God's way, it is great. It is awesome. It is wonderful. The Song of Songs teaches us how to do it God's way, and it leaves nothing out. A beautiful love song, it portrays the deep, genuine love that a man and woman should enjoy in marriage. It teaches us that a successful marriage requires commitment and involves work, but that it is worth every investment we make. The book celebrates the joys of physical, intimate, sexual love. Sex is good; it is God's gift. It should be enjoyed and enjoyed often. This good gift of God will find its fullest expression realized when a man and woman give themselves completely to each other in the marriage relationship.

God knows nothing of casual sex, because in reality there is no such thing. What is often called casual sex is always costly. Sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), unexpected pregnancy, and psychological and spiritual scars are some of the results, and the price paid, because we have approached God's good gift of sex all too casually. Sexual attraction is inevitable. It is what God intended. However, unless we follow God's plan, we will miss out on His best and suffer the painful and tragic consequences in the process.

The Song of Songs explains the purpose and place of sex as God designed it. When we make love the way God planned, we enjoy the security of a committed relationship, experience the joy of unreserved passion, and discover the courage to give ourselves completely to another in unhindered abandonment.

Sociologists and marriage and family counselors are now discovering that the most emotionally and physically satisfying sex is between committed married partners, and that satisfaction from sex increases with sexual exclusivity (one partner only), emotional investment in the relationship, and a lasting horizon for the marriage. They are also discovering that marriage is an excellent tonic for both mental and physical health, and that marriage slam dunks cohabitation in both areas.
¹

And what about our children? A culture awash in divorce and cohabitation can no longer deny the flood of data that tells it like it is. In 1997, the number of unmarried couples in the U.S. topped four million, up from less than half a million in 1960. Today “only 42% of 14–18 year olds live with their married mother and father. In Wisconsin, children of divorce are 12 times more likely to be jailed than kids in a 2-parent family and those living with never-married single parents are 22 times more at risk.” In the highly acclaimed report,
The Effects of Divorce on America,
Patrick Fagan and Robert Rector point out that “a child living with a single mother is 14 times more likely to suffer serious physical abuse than those in intact two-parent families, twice as likely to drop out of school, three times as likely to get pregnant as a teenager, and far more likely to commit suicide.”
²
Katherine Kersten puts it on the line when she writes, “What is the No. 1 public health threat to American children? … Could it be smoking? … How about child abuse? … Maybe drugs? … The greatest health threat to American children is none of these. It is something we, as parents, bring on our children ourselves: divorce.”
³

I do not share these sobering truths to shame but to inspire and motivate. Nor is it my goal to throw rocks at anyone. We would all change the past if we could. All of us would do some things (many things!) differently. However, we can all do something about today and tomorrow, beginning this very moment. Regardless of where you have been or what you have done, you can begin right now to do sex and marriage God's way. And remember this: God's way is always the best way in every way. That includes sex. That includes marriage.

As we prepare to look at the Song of Songs, God's instruction manual for sex and marriage, let's be reminded that good sex and a good marriage involve two important things:
commitment
and
hard work.
Why? Part of the answer is that men and women are so radically different, and they are different in so many ways. The Song of Songs will help us see many of these, and perhaps we will even have a little fun as we discover them. I recently came across a rather comical analysis that identifies a few of the differences that exist between men and women. There is nothing scientific about it, but it sure hits close to home. It also hints (rather loudly!) that if we will just slow down and pay a little attention, we can with a smile acknowledge and enjoy the differences that can add some “heavenly spice” to our marriages.

Ten Observations That Highlight the Difference
Between a Man and a Woman!

1. A man will pay $10 for a $5 item he wants.
   A woman will pay $5 for a $10 item that she doesn't want (or need).
   
2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
   A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
   
3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
   A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
   
4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
   To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
   
5. Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
   
6. Any married man should forget his mistakes; there's no reason for two people to remember the same things.
   
7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
   Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
   
8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
   A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
   
9. A woman has the last word in any argument.
   Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
   
10. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman—before and after marriage.
    

One final word: A successful and lasting marriage will always be a triangle. It will involve a man, a woman, and God. Given the challenges of our day and the differences that exist between men and women, we dare not move forward without God taking the lead. God wants our marriages to succeed. He gave us a book to guide us. Let's see what He has to say.

Chapter 1

How to Begin a Love Story

THE SONG OF SONGS 1:1–8

What do love, romance, and marriage look like through the eyes of a child? I came across some answers that kids gave which might interest you.

To the question, “How do you decide whom to marry?”

Allen, age ten, said, “You've got to find someone who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it, and she should keep the chips and dips coming.”

Kristin, age ten, replied, “No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all the way before, and you got to find out who you're stuck with.”

When asked, “How can a stranger tell if two people are married?”

Derek, age eight, said, “Married people usually look happy to talk to other people.”

A boy named Eddie responded, “You might have to guess based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.”

When asked, “Why do people go out on a date?”

Lynette, age eight, was rather straightforward from the female perspective: “Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.”

And responding to the question, “How do you make a marriage work?”

A seven-year-old boy, wise beyond his years said, “Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she doesn't.”

What do love, romance, and marriage look like through the eyes of a modern Washington writer and businessman? The opinion held by Philip Harvey is not nearly as hopeful or positive as that of the children surveyed above. In an article entitled “Divorce for the Best,” Mr. Harvey said:

A reasonable level of divorce may be a symptom of a healthy and mobile society, a society in which men and women are living unprecendently long lives, lives for which the companionship of but a single other person for 30 or 40 or 50 years may simply be inappropriate… . That most Americans categorically oppose divorce on principle is a function more of our aspiration to the ideal state than a realistic acceptance of how we humans actually behave….

The freedom to have more than one mate over a 75-year lifespan may be a positive thing. Is it not possible that the ideal companion for our younger child-rearing years will not be the ideal companion for our middle and later years? Is it not reasonable to suggest that the radical differences in the way we live in our fifties and sixties and beyond may be under many circumstances, most appropriately lived with a different person from the one with whom we reared children? … The interests of children must be given a very high priority. But allowing for that, it seems to me that a reasonable level of divorce is more likely to be a quality of a mobile and healthy modern society than a sign of moral decay.
¹

Harvey is not alone in his rather pessimistic prediction of one man with one woman for life. James Dobson in his January 2000 newsletter shared that

Sandy Burchsted, an unmarried “futurist” from Houston, estimates that one hundred years from now, the average American will marry at least four times and routinely engage in extramarital affairs with no fear of public humiliation. Miss Burchsted, who is writing a book on marriage in the year 2100, identified what she believed will be four different types of marriage at a World Future Society conference in July, 1999. The first union is called the “
icebreaker marriage,
” (usually lasting about five years) in which couples will learn how to live together and gain sexual experience. Once disillusionment sets in, claims Burchsted, it will be perfectly acceptable for the couple to divorce. If one of the partners decides to marry again, he or she will enter a “
parenting marriage,
” which lasts between 15 and 20 years. These couples will view raising children as their primary purpose, although child-rearing in the future will be in communal settings, not nuclear families.

After the second marriage is terminated, couples might enter a third union, which Burchsted calls the “
self-marriage.
” This relationship will be focused on self-discovery and personal awareness. “We see marriage as a conscious, evolutionary process,” says Burchsted, “so this marriage will be about consciously evolving yourself.” Finally, there is a fourth category of marriage, which will emerge as a result of the theory that people in the twenty-first century will be living until at least the age of 120. Burchsted calls this late-in-life marriage the “soul-mate
connection,
” characterized by “marital bliss, shared spirituality, physical monogamy and equal partnership.”
The Washington Times
says that Burchsted's theories are based on “trends showing women becoming more financially independent, marriage and childbearing becoming more ‘delinked,’ ‘serial monogamy’ becoming more acceptable and extramarital sexual affairs occurring more frequently and with less public outcry.”
²

Burchsted's views on our future sexual habits are shared by others as well. In an article in
Time
magazine the question was asked about the future of male-female relationships, “Will We Still Need to Have Sex?” Their answer: “Having sex is too much fun for us to stop, but religious convictions aside, it will be more for recreation than for procreation.”
³
Another writer says, “Sex will be just for lust—babies will come from reproductive bank accounts.”
⁴

I am convinced God did not hardwire or program human persons to long for these kinds of shallow, pseudorelationships where any meaningful idea of love vanishes like an early morning mist vaporized by the sun. Let's go back to the Bible and see what the Creator says about how to begin a love story. I believe God is something of a cosmic romantic who enjoys a good love story. The Song of Songs, which is Solomon's, paints the portrait of such a love story and right from the start provides principles to get us off to a good start. How do you begin a love story?