God Is Disappointed In You (27 page)

Dear Thessalonians,

Once again, I just wanted to say that I think you guys are great. Your faith in God, even as you are being persecuted, is an inspiration to us all. And believe me, Christ is taking down the names of everyone who is giving you trouble, and when he comes back, they are in deep shit. In fact, everyone who doesn’t believe in Christ will be in deep shit. They will all be banished from the presence of the Lord, where they will live in eternal darkness, and slowly be crushed to death for all eternity. So cheer up!

I’m glad to see that my last letter did the trick and that you are all back on board with the idea that Christ will be returning soon. That said, don’t dance around anxiously thinking every day is the big one. I know I’ve been adamant about Christ’s imminent return, but some of you are clearly overdoing it. 

I’ve received reports of people refusing to go to work because, hey, what’s the point if Christ is coming back any day now? Ludicrous. When I was living among you, did you see me loafing around, just waiting for Jesus to come sweep me out of my sandals? No, you did not. I’ve worked hard all day every day so that when he does come back, the world will be a little more ready for him.
 

Besides, a lot of things still need to go down before Christ comes back. There will be this big rebellion, the Anti-Christ will show up…You know what? If somebody refuses to work, just don’t feed them. I’ve had it with loafers.

Anyway, I hope things settle down and you can all go back to living your lives without people trying to beat you or stab you in the throat all the time. May God be with you. Silas and Timothy say hello.

Peace.

Paul

Dear Tim,

I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind talking to the Church of Ephesus for me? They seem to have fallen off the wagon again. Especially Hymenaeus and Alexander. Those two are so full of shit, it’s coming out their ears. I’ve just about written them off to Satan. Anyway, I’d appreciate it if you could do me a solid and get Ephesus back in line.

Here’s what I want you to tell them:

Guys, I don’t want you using the open prayer time to score cheap shots on each other or to make political statements. The last thing I want is for the prayers to end in fist-fights or to bring the law down on us for no good reason. So no more “God, please help Simon to stop stealing dinner rolls” prayers. If you’re going to mention someone by name in your prayer, say something nice about them.
 

As for you ladies, I’d prefer it if you didn’t say anything at all.
 

After all, the last time we let a woman teach religion, it got us kicked out of the Garden of Eden. Am I right, guys? Also, there’s no need for you to wear all those fancy clothes and jewelry to church. It’s not a fashion show. Frankly, I’d rather you deck yourselves out in good deeds and modesty. Those accessories never go out of style! (You can use that if you want to.) Anyway, ladies, don’t come to church to show off, or talk, or do much of anything, for that matter. 

Also, Tim, make sure the bishops and deacons are good, upstanding men who’ve belonged to the church for a long time. They shouldn’t be in it for the money, have a temper or a taste for the wine. They should only have one wife (each) and their kids should be pleasant and well-behaved. If a bishop can’t even keep his own house in order, then how’s he supposed to keep a whole church in line? In fact, even the rank and file members of the church need to be serious, upstanding Christians. I don’t want to hear about churchgoers making lewd gestures during services or telling dirty jokes in the foyer. Put an end to that ASAP.

Be sure to teach everyone the scriptures, both so they’ll have a better appreciation of their religion and so they’ll know what to say when non-believers heckle them. 

And make sure they treat the widows in the church well, but only if they’re real widows. You know, like over the age of, say…sixty. If they’re young and foxy, don’t worry about them so much. Take care of orphans, though, whatever their age. God likes orphans.
 

If a member of the church happens to be a slave, make sure they behave and are hard workers. Nobody likes a lazy slave, and I don’t want their masters blaming their surliness on Christianity. Conversely, if a church member happens to be a slave owner, he should treat his slaves fairly so they’ll think kindly of his religion and perhaps even think of joining.

As a rule of thumb, I like to publicly humiliate sinners. It makes everyone else afraid to get up to anything. Feel free to develop your own management style, though.
 

Also, don’t believe any accusations made against church leaders unless there are multiple witnesses. The last thing we need is a lot of turnover at the top.

Finally, make sure people don’t get too materialistic. The love of money is the root of all evil. Money is meaningless in the grand scheme of things. We came into this world with nothing, and that’s precisely how we’ll leave it.

Anyway, that’s my advice. You’ve got your work cut out for you, Tim. One of the reasons I’m writing all these things down is that I don’t know how much longer I’ll be around, so I want to give advice and pass on my wisdom while I still can.
 

Keepin’ it real,

Paul

Hey Tim,

Still in jail waiting for my case to be heard by the Emperor Nero. To be honest, things aren’t looking so hot for me. Let’s just say that I’ve seen a lot of freaky shit go down, so I’m not terribly optimistic about being released for good behavior.

Don’t worry about me, though. I’m not afraid to die. Those who die with Christ will live with him. And those who deny him will be denied by him. And, whatever happens to me, I take genuine comfort in the fact that I have friends like you. Your mother Eunice and Grandma Lois have always had unshakable faith in God, and I see the same strength in you. You never take a day off from being a good Christian, unlike some guys I know.
 

You know, people accuse us of being lazy. When I’m out preaching, sometimes they’ll shout, “Deadbeat!” or “Get a job!” But you know what? Telling people about the gospel isn’t just a job, it’s
every
job. You’ve got to be willing to take a brick to the head and die, like a soldier. You have to play by the rules, like an athlete. And you’ve got to work hard every day hoping that someday you’ll see a crop, just like a farmer. Who else has a job like that? I’m not ashamed to be some crank street preacher locked up in prison. You shouldn’t be either, because I’ve got to be honest, if you stick with this gig, this is probably where you’ll end up.

The calling proved to be too much for Demas, I’m afraid. He got spooked and left the church. But as I near the end of my own rope, I can look back with pride and say that I remained true to the game. And if I can do it, so can you. Just stay focused on the work. Don’t let yourself be distracted by Hymenaeus and Philetus and their idiotic theory that Christ has already returned to Earth and is hiding somewhere.
 

Ironically, one of the ways in which we know that Christ’s return is near is because of such false prophets. In the last days, people will be greedy, conceited, self-absorbed, hedonistic assholes. Smooth-talking con-men will worm their way into people’s houses and prey on the gullible. So steer clear of guys like that.
 

Also, I hope Trophimus is feeling better. Give my love to Prisca and Aquila. Do NOT give my love to Alexander the copper-maker. He knows what he did.
 

Eubulus says, “What’s up?”
When you come to visit (you are coming to visit, right?), could you bring me my coat and some books?
 

I’m really going to miss you, Tim. You’re like the son I never had, and I would really love to see you one last time before I die.
 

Please hurry.

Paul

Hey Titus,
 

In case you were wondering, the reason I’m sending you to Crete was to see if you could muster up some good, honest, and hopefully sober men to lead the church there. I understand this is no easy task, especially on Crete.
 

You can’t trust those people half the time. The other half, they’re asleep. Crete is full of liars, cheats, and gluttons. So don’t be afraid to use a firm hand with them. As I tell everyone, make sure they quit with the circumcisions and all the old Jewish traditions. As I’ve already explained ad nauseum, we’re a new religion now. If I remember correctly, you were pretty happy when I told you that you didn’t have to get circumcised, so pass the favor along, will you? 

Make sure they respect your authority. When they call you by name, make sure they’re actually saying “Titus” and not “Tight-Ass.” Those people will keep you on your toes, believe me.
 

See if you can convince the men to keep it in their pants for a change. And try to get the women to cut down on the wine and gossip. Be sure to set a good example for the young people. Don’t tell them to behave in a way you aren’t willing to behave yourself. Trust me, teenagers can smell a hypocrite a mile away.
 

I know I’ve been kind of having a bit of a go at the Cretans, but the truth is that before I found Jesus, I was even worse than they are. Remind them, as I remind myself, that Jesus didn’t give his life because we’re so great that we deserve it, but because we are so awful that we need it.
 

One more thing: try not to get caught up in stupid arguments about genealogy, the law, or minute points about church doctrine. Those conversations are exhausting and futile. If somebody turns out to be a contrarian or a troublemaker, give them a couple of warnings and then ban them from the church. Don’t let a few itchy lice turn into a full-blown case of the crabs.

Everyone here is really pulling for you. I’ll send someone soon to relieve you.

Holy hugs,

Paul

Dear Philemon,

How’s everything going on your end? Good, I hope. Unfortunately, things aren’t so great for me right now. You guessed it, I’m in jail! Although, I like to think of myself, not as being a prisoner of the Romans, but as a prisoner of Jesus Christ. After all, if Christ wanted me to be free, I’d be out, right?
So, when you think about it that way, I guess I don’t mind doing time if I can do it at the Jesus Christ Correctional Facility for Men.
 

Oh, guess who’s been visiting me here in jail? Your old slave, Onesimus! In fact, I am kind of writing this letter on his behalf. Look, I know Onesimus ran away from you and that wasn’t cool. But from the sound of it, you weren’t all laughs and tickle-fights, either. At any rate, Onesimus has been a big help, so do right by him when he comes back, okay? DO NOT KILL HIM. (I’m totally reading your mind right now, aren’t I?)
 

What’s more, since he’s a fellow Christian, you really ought to treat Onesimus more like a brother than a slave, anyway. Perhaps you should even consider freeing him. Or better yet, you could loan him to me. Like I said, he’s been a big help.
 

In any case, go easy on him. If he owes you any money or has caused you any damage, charge it to me. True, you kind of already owe me one for that whole salvation/eternal life thing, but whatever, I’ll still pay you if you really want me to.

Anyway, Luke and Mark say hello, as does Epaphras, who is also under Christ-arrest with me.

Stay golden,

Paul