God Is Disappointed In You (23 page)

Jesus was having a celebratory dinner with Mary, Martha, and Lazarus. Mary broke open a pint of nard and poured it over Jesus’ feet, wiping his feet dry with her hair and making the whole house smell sweet and lovely.
 

Judas objected to using such expensive perfume as foot cleaner. As the treasurer for Jesus and the disciples, he went on about how they could have sold the perfume and had enough money to feed the poor for another year, but the reality was that Judas was heavy into embezzlement and was disappointed that he wouldn’t be able to dip his beak into Mary’s nard.

When the priests caught wind of Lazarus’ resurrection, they decided that something had to be done. If Jesus kept bringing people back to life, it wouldn’t be long before everyone would become a follower of his movement. Jesus returned to Jerusalem for the Passover Festival. Everyone was abuzz about how Jesus brought Lazarus back to life. But despite his hero’s welcome, Jesus knew he was walking into the wolf’s lair and that it wouldn’t be long before the authorities came to kill him. Jesus wanted to make his last night together with the disciples memorable, so he threw a big Passover feast. During the dinner, Judas slipped away, ostensibly to get some more gefilte fish.

After dinner, Jesus and the disciples retired to a nearby olive grove. The disciples fell asleep, but Jesus, knowing that his arrest and death were imminent, said a prayer:

“Dear God, you sent your spirit down to inhabit this poor flesh, so that he might tell others about you and your Kingdom. Now my work is done and this flesh is about to die. And all I ask in return is that you look after his disciples once I’m gone,”
Jesus said, gesturing at the eleven men sprawled out on the grass, snoring.
“I’m going to send them out into the world the same way you sent me out into the world. To be mocked, imprisoned, and killed so that their persecutors might join you in Heaven.

“They’re like children, I know. They’re selfish and loud and not all that bright, but they believe with such innocent intensity that it breaks my heart to think of the death and misery which awaits them. So could you cut them a break now and then? Maybe send the Holy Ghost to check in on them from time to time? He’s not doing anything, anyway. That’s all I ask. Be home soon. Got to go. Amen.”

At this moment, Judas returned with soldiers to arrest Jesus. They took Jesus away, tried him, and sentenced him to death. That Friday, Jesus was crucified. As he hung there from the cross, dying, he looked up at Heaven and said,
“It is finished.”

“No, it’s not,” a soldier informed him. “You’re still alive.”

“Metaphors…”
Jesus mumbled,
“met…a…phors.”
And with that, Jesus died.
 

The crucifixion didn’t really take, though, and three days later, Jesus was up and roaming around again. 

After the crucifixion, life went somewhat back to normal for the disciples. Many of them went back to fishing. They were out in their boats, having a bad fishing day, when a kindly stranger yelled out from the shore that they should try throwing their fishing nets over the other side. When they did, they suddenly caught so many fish they could barely haul them into the boat. They immediately realized the stranger had to be Jesus, as he was always around when something really strange went down.
 

Jesus called the disciples to the shore and made them breakfast. Like he’d done years before, Jesus broke up the bread and divided the fish to feed his guests, but this time there were no fawning crowds, no fans hoping to see a miracle, just Jesus and his friends. Jesus asked Peter,
“Do you love me?”
“Of course!” Peter replied.
“Do you love me, Simon?”
“You know I do, Lord,” said Simon.
“Then feed my sheep,”
Jesus commanded them. 

“But, you don’t have any sheep…” Peter replied as Jesus vanished. “Well, that was weird.”

“Oh, I think I get it!” Simon blurted out, “It was a metaphor! I think he wants us to take his teachings to everyone in the world who, in this allegory, are his sheep.”

“Well then, why didn’t he just
say
so?”

How to piss off friends and alienate strangers. In which many gentile converts nervously await the verdict on circumcision.

It was easy for people to love Jesus Christ. He told great
stories, he healed the sick, and chances were good that when he visited, he’d leave you with some free fish. Christ was easy.
Christianity
was a pain in the ass. First, there was the question of what exactly Christianity was. Was Judaism a gateway religion for Christianity? Or were Christians their own religion, completely separate from the Jews?
 

Furthermore, how do you convince people that Jesus Christ was the long-awaited Messiah, sent by God to liberate Israel from foreign rule, without someone pointing out that Jesus was dead and the place was still crawling with Romans? How do you convince pagans that Jesus isn’t simply one more god they can throw onto the pile of gods they already worship?

Luckily, a guy named Paul came along who seemed to have answers to all these questions. In fact, lots of people, many of whom were more respected than Paul, had their own versions of Christianity, but Paul was smart enough to write his down. Kings may have money and power on their side, priests have tradition. But, in the end, writers always win. Kings die and traditions change, but nobody outlives a book.

After Jesus Christ rose from the dead, his disciples couldn’t wait to annoy the world with the good news. 

Now, there is no better way to start a new religion than on a stomach full of waffles, so the disciples went out for breakfast.
 

They realized that if they were going to spread the word of Jesus Christ throughout the world, then they had a bit of a problem. They all came from the same place and spoke the same language. So how were they supposed to preach in other countries? As they argued amongst themselves, they started mumbling in strange words.
The other diners in the restaurant thought they were drunk on syrup or something, but they weren’t. They were speaking in tongues. God had sent The Holy Spirit, who was sort of the George Harrison of the Holy Trinity, to lend a hand. The Holy Spirit had given them all the ability to speak in foreign languages. So problem solved.

With their new foreign language skills, the disciples broke up into small groups and began traveling the world. Like Jesus, they popularized their message by performing magic tricks along the way. 

At first, they focused on preaching to their fellow Jews. Peter and John went to Jerusalem. On their way into the city, they healed a crippled man who made his living begging by the city gate. Having use of his legs again for the first time in decades, the beggar started dancing behind them as they walked into the city. When the people of Jerusalem saw this guy who’d been crippled his whole life running and prancing around, they began to wonder if there might be something to this new religion.

The temple priests arrested Peter and John and discussed what to do next.

“I thought this whole Christian thing died out when Jesus was executed. Now we have to deal with this shit all over again?” one of them said, gesturing at the beggar who was still dancing outside the temple.

“Well, those two guys definitely healed that beggar, there’s no denying it,” another one argued, “and we can’t very well punish them for giving a man his legs back, so I think we should give them a pass on this one.”

They brought Peter and John in before the court and announced their decision.

“Okay, we’re going to let this one go. But you’ve had your one warning cripple. Understand? Any more miracles like this one, or any more preaching about this Jesus guy, and the two of you go straight to jail. Got it?”
 

But the second Peter and John got back onto the streets, they ignored the warning and went right back to telling people about Jesus Christ, giving money to the poor, and healing the sick. Peter got so good at healing lepers that he would line them up in two rows and then cure them by running down the middle, high-fiving them along the way. The disciples were winning converts left and right, so the priests decided that a little tough love was in order.

They grabbed the next Christian they found, a guy named Stephen, and stoned him to death for blasphemy. When the crowd gathered to kill Stephen, a nice young man named Saul volunteered to hold their coats.
 

“What a helpful young man!” they said as they handed Saul their wool coats, “I wish more kids today were like you.”

“Have fun at the stoning!” Saul replied.

When the disciples heard about Stephen’s death, they scattered in fear. Some went to Samaria, some went to Gaza, others set up shop in Damascus.

Despite being on the run, Peter, John and the rest of the disciples continued preaching and performing miracles. The priests in Jerusalem soon realized that snuffing out this new cult was going to take a little more elbow grease than just stoning one guy, so after he returned everyone’s coats, they enlisted Saul to track down and arrest Christians when and where he could find them. 

Saul was traveling to the city of Damascus when he was blinded by an intense light. Then a loud, booming voice bellowed from the sky.

“Saul! Saul! What the hell, man?”

“Please,” Saul asked timidly, “who are you and why did you blind me?”

“This is Jesus Christ! Yes,
that
Jesus Christ! You think you’re doing God’s work? You are killing the people I sent to prepare the world for God’s kingdom. Not the best way to get on God’s good side, Saul! Now, go into town and await further instructions. I’m very disappointed in you, Saul!”

Saul stumbled blindly into town, where a local Christian took him and cared for him until his eyesight returned. Saul converted to Christianity and spent a couple of months learning about his new religion from Peter and James.

Nobody matches the zeal of a new convert, or gets as much done as someone who doesn’t know what they’re doing. Saul had both those things going for him. After his crash course in Christianity, Saul made it his mission to convert pagan gentiles to his faith.