God Ain't Through Yet (20 page)

“L
ook, girl. Sex is not just for young people. Some elderly people do it right up to the day they die,” I said, stunned and saddened to hear that my daughter had even thought that much about sex at her age.

“Maybe that's why they die,” she suggested.

It did me no good to sigh with exasperation. That went right over Charlotte's head. “Mama, stop looking so sad about Daddy leaving. At least you had him for a while. Some women don't keep their husbands half as long as you kept my daddy.”

“Well, I am glad to see that his leaving doesn't bother you that much!”

“It does bother me, Mama. I am just not going to let it spoil my life like you. Dang.” Charlotte's eyes suddenly lit up. “Me and all of my girlfriends said we're going to be like Liz Taylor and Zsa Zsa Gabor when we grow up. Each time a husband leaves us, we'll just get another one.”

I shook my head. “There are a lot of things you don't understand. You're not mature enough yet. And in a way, that's a good thing. Stay a child as long as you can….”

“Huh?”

“Baby, being an adult is hard,” I admitted, my voice cracking.

“Mama, I don't have no idea what you're talking about,” Charlotte complained, giving me a look of confusion that I'd never seen on a child's face.

“That's just it, baby. There are things going on that you don't understand, things that you can't understand. Things that only adults can deal with, and we need to explain them to you.”

Charlotte rolled her eyes. “Like what? Dang, Mama, I'm eleven. I am not a baby no more,” she said in a strong voice, sounding so mature it scared me. “I'm almost grown,” she informed me. Right after she said that, she lifted a yellow water pistol off the table, and squirted water onto her bangs and on the roller she had just used to roll up the end of her ponytail.

It was heart wrenching to see just how innocent and young my daughter really was. If it had been up to me, she would have remained that way until the day she died. But I was realistic enough to know that I could protect her for only so long from the black boots of misery that were waiting to stomp her into the ground the way they'd done me. Even though all of the hard knocks I had survived had made me the woman I was today, I didn't want my daughter to walk in my shoes.

“You're not as grown as you think you are,” I said.

She rolled her eyes again; then she dipped her head and looked at me with a dry expression on her face. “Too bad you and Daddy ain't like Rhoda and Otis.”

Both of my eyebrows shot up. My breath caught in my throat and it took me a while to form the words I wanted to release. “What do you mean by that?”

“Rhoda and Otis are the perfect married couple. They love each other, and neither one of them would never be running around with somebody they wasn't married to like my daddy. Jade won't do something that nasty to her husband either.”

I had no desire to discuss Jade and her marriage. But I was curious as to what made Charlotte think that Otis and Rhoda had the perfect marriage. But I was not curious enough to ask. The last thing I wanted to deal with right now was her asking me questions I didn't want to, or couldn't, answer.

However, I couldn't stop myself from bringing up Jade's name in another context. “I don't want you going over to Rhoda's house to spend time with Jade. I've already told you that it's better if you spend your time with kids your own age. Jade is a grown woman now. And she's married. You should not even be thinking about her.”

“And that's another thing, Mama. I know the real reason you don't want me to hang with Jade no more. I know how you got mad at her. I seen her at the movies one day and she told me the whole story about how you was jealous of her.”

“That's not the whole story,” I protested.

“Mama, I don't care. I'd rather be around kids my own age anyway. Can I order a pizza for dinner?” Charlotte had already jumped out of her seat and was walking toward the telephone on the wall before I could answer.

“Make sure it's a small one,” I told her.

As soon as she'd placed her order and returned to her seat, I started up again. “Your daddy is in love with another woman and he wants to be with her. We've had a few problems recently, and I think he's still trying to get over that. That's part of the reason he doesn't want to live with us right now.”

“You didn't tell me what you did to make him fall in love with another woman yet. What did you do to him?”

“That's not important. Anyway, he still loves you, and no matter what he does to me, you should not let that stop you from loving him. Men his age sometimes feel that the love of a wife is no longer enough.”

“What about you?”

“What about me?”

“Do women your age feel like that, too?” Charlotte gave me a guarded look as if she was trying to read my thoughts. “Are you going to get a boyfriend?”

“I don't know what I'm going to do. The important thing right now is for us to adjust to your daddy being gone.”

Shortly after I'd put Charlotte to bed, I received another unwanted visit from Scary Mary. “I was just in the neighborhood,” she lied, looking around my living room as she practically pushed her way in. “Pee Wee still gone?” She wore a beige trench coat with a black belt. She had on a pair of white house shoes. “I'm glad to see you ain't crawlin' around on your belly with grief.”

“Yes, he's still gone, and you won't ever see me crawling around on my belly with grief. You want a drink?”

“A beer if you got one you don't need,” she said, following me into the kitchen.

“I went back to work today,” I told her. “And he came to the house while I was gone to get some more of his shit.” I gave her a beer and poured myself a glass of milk; then I sat across from her at my kitchen table.

“That nasty puppy!” Scary Mary drank her beer; then she slammed her fist down hard on the table. “Mens, mens, mens! We can't live with 'em, we can't live without 'em.” She stopped and gave me a curious look. “If I was you, I'd get me another one as soon as possible. You know what they say about fallin' off a horse. As soon as you fall off one, get on top of another.”

“I think it's too soon for me to even be thinkin' about another man,” I decided. I didn't know what made everybody think it was that easy for me to run out and get another man. Had it been
that
easy, every woman on the planet would have somebody, and most of the women's magazines would go out of business.

“Well, you ain't got all the time in the world, you know. And you ain't got what Janet Jackson got.” The old madam glared at me for a moment, making me uncomfortable. Had I known she was lurking around my neighborhood, I would have turned off all of my lights and refused to answer the door. “I remember when Pee Wee was an itty bitty boy. He was scared of white folks then. Now he done fell in love with one and moved in with her. Tsk tsk tsk.”

“I wish everybody would stop referring to Lizzie as a white woman. Nobody started saying that until this…this mess with Pee Wee.”

“Her skin is as white as Michael Jackson's!”

“So what? Lizzie has always identified herself with the black community.” Lizzie Stovall was the last person in the world that I wanted to defend. But after what I'd just said, and the way Scary Mary was looking at me, that was what it sounded like. “Not that I care what race she is. She's still a no-good whore who just happens to be the daughter of a white woman.” I tilted my head to the side. “I guess it would make everybody happy if I got me a white man.”

Scary Mary yelped and looked at me like I'd sprouted horns. “What white man would want to stick his dick into that pothole between your legs?”

I ignored the brutal insult that she'd hurled at me by pretending like I didn't hear it. “You want another drink?” I rose and rushed over to the cabinet where I kept several bottles of leaded fuel. The first bottle my hand touched was a fifth of gin. “Or do you want something stronger?” I asked, pouring myself a large glass of gin.

“Pour me one, and then you set down and shet up. I got a bug to put in your ear. A big one.”

“What?” I asked in a nervous voice, easing back down into my chair.

“He done already talked to a lawyer, baby,” she told me in a low voice, glancing toward the doorway. “That's what I rushed over here to tell you. I didn't want you to be caught off guard.”

My mouth dropped open. I had to take a drink before I could speak again. With some of the liquid still in my mouth, I said, “Pee Wee is already talking to a lawyer. How…Who told you that?”

“Look, girl. I got eyes and ears all over this town. Don't nothin' go on around here that I don't find out.” Scary Mary gave me an impatient look as she sucked on her teeth. “If you really must know, the lawyer in question is one of my regular tricks. He is one of them Republicans at that, so you better hire you a real big gun if you want to have a chance.”

“So…” I said with such a huge sigh on my lips that I had to pause. “He's
not
coming back. But he told me that he would never want a divorce!” I mouthed, speaking more like I was talking to myself.

“And that wasn't the only thing he lied about!”

“Do you have any other lawyers on your list? Give me the name of the best one!” I yelled. “I'll beat him to the punch, and by the time I get through with his black ass, that barbershop and everything else he owns will be mine.”

A
s soon as Scary Mary had left my house, I boiled a couple of hot dogs and was able to eat them both. After I took a long, hot bubble bath, I poured myself a glass of white wine. That helped me relax.

I had begun to wonder what in the world was going to happen to me next. It seemed like every time I got to a comfortable place, things blew up in my face. And what scared me so much was the fact that I didn't know why. Was I being punished for the things I'd done? There had been so many, and some had been so extreme that I had to wonder if karma had finally caught up with me. Or maybe the devil, and God, were testing me some more. I dismissed all of those thoughts. I knew that I was responsible, at least on some level, for the way my life had turned out. Now I had to figure out what to do to fix it.

I must have wandered around the house for at least an hour with my wineglass in one hand and the wine bottle in the other. One minute I was in the kitchen wiping off the counter and rearranging the dishes in the cupboard. After that, I wobbled to the dining room where I rearranged the chairs around the table, watered my plants, and brushed off the place mats. I eventually ended up in the living room, where I opened and closed drapes, straightened the area rugs, and dusted off the coffee and end tables.

No matter what I did, I couldn't ignore the pain that Pee Wee had caused me. I wanted him to be in pain, too. I couldn't wait to get lawyer information from Scary Mary. Before I went to bed, I pulled out my phone book and wrote down the numbers of three lawyers.

As soon as I got to work the next morning, I called the first one on my list and made an appointment. Ten minutes after I'd concluded that call, Pee Wee called me up. Just the sound of his voice made my heart jump and my breath freeze in my throat. I had decided that if he called to apologize and told me that he had made a terrible mistake, and that he wanted to come home, I'd cuss him out first. But then I'd tell him to come on back home where he belonged.

“I just wanted to talk to you,” he began, sounding sad.

I leaned back in my seat trying to decide how to respond, especially since he was sounding so down in the dumps. I quickly decided that I wasn't going to cuss him out after all. What I really wanted was for us to work things out.

“Pee Wee, there is nothing in the world we can't work out. If you could get over what I did to you by getting involved with Louis, I can let this thing between you and Lizzie slide.”

His silence stunned and disappointed me. He didn't break down and beg me to forgive him. He didn't even tell me that he missed me. “Annette, I'm in love with Lizzie.”

Even though he had already told me that, those words chilled me all the way through my flesh to my bones. He got silent and I didn't know what to say next. I just sat there holding my breath, silently scolding myself for letting him know that I was such a lovesick fool, and that I was ready, willing, and able to take him back if that was what he wanted.

But that was not what he wanted, and he wasted no time making that clear. “Uh, all I wanted to do was to touch base with you,” he said, talking in a stiff and impersonal voice. “I want you to know right off that you ain't got to worry about money.”

“Who said I was?” I hissed. “If anybody should be worried about money, it's your scaly black ass. God don't like ugly, and He's the one you'll have to answer to for what you did to me!” I was amazed at how quickly I went from wanting him back to wanting to put a major curse on him.

“Maybe God can strike us both down at the same time,” he muttered.

“I wish you would stop reminding me about my affair with Louis Baines!” I screeched.

“Baby, you are the one who usually brings it up. I can't stop talkin' about it if you don't.”

“What did you call here for?” I asked, sounding as impatient as nature would allow me to. “And hurry up! I've got things to do, places to go!”

Despite what I was saying and feeling, I didn't want him to hang up. It had never occurred to me that it was going to be so hard to cancel the feelings that I still had for him. I loved him from the bottom of my heart, but at the same time I hated the ground he walked on. If those mixed emotions were not enough to confuse me and have me talking and acting like a fool, nothing was. “And just to let you know, I hope you don't plan on coming back, because I might not be here!”

“Annette, you can go wherever you want to go as long as you let me know how I can get in touch with my daughter. If not, you can leave her with me and go on to wherever you want to go,” he said calmly.

I almost blacked out. This man had no shame whatsoever. I had not expected him to say anything like that. It seemed like the more we talked, the more pain this conversation caused. I figured that if I didn't want to end up in hysterics, the sooner I got off the telephone the better. “What did you call me up for?” I asked.

Pee Wee let out a loud sigh. I couldn't tell if it was a sigh of relief or a sigh of disgust. “I will continue to pay all your utilities, your car insurance, and all of the other household bills. I'll give you more than enough to keep Charlotte happy, but for the time being, you should be able to foot your own personal bills. You know, them beauty shop expenses and nails and stuff. Just until I get sorted out. It won't be easy for me to pay for two households.”

“That's not my problem.
You
chose to take on two households,
motherfucker
,” I said calmly. I was just waiting for him to tell me that he had already spoken to a lawyer.

“I want to see Charlotte at least three or four times a week. My new place has two bedrooms, one already done up for her. Toys and her own TV and stuff. There is a large backyard so she can run around like she wants to. I'll even finally get her that puppy she's always wanted, but that you wouldn't let her get because you didn't want to be cleanin' up behind it.”

“Oh, that's so damn cozy. That's so…so
Leave It to Beaver
cute of you! I guess the next thing you tell me is that the Brady Bunch lives next door to you and your use-to-be hippie
valley girl.
”

“Annette, I am not in the mood to fuss and fight with you,” he whined. “I am tryin' to make this…this adjustment work for everybody concerned. A change might do you some good anyway.”

“A change? What the fuck makes you think I need a damn change? I was happy with the way things were between us!”

“Annette, do I have to keep remindin' you that when I was happy with the way things were between us…never mind.”

“If you bring up Louis Baines and that affair I had with him again, I am going to scream!”

“I am not goin' to bring up Louis Baines. That's one thing you do enough on your own. Right now my focus is my daughter.”

“Well, let me tell you one thing, my daughter will not be spending much time wherever you moved to. The less she sees of that cow, the better.”

“Let's get one thing straight right now. You can't keep me from spendin' time with my child! You are not goin' to interfere with my relationship with her!”

“I didn't say that. But I can keep your whore from spending time with her.”

“Annette, I am surprised at you. One of the things I always admired about you was the fact that you didn't use foul language that much, and you didn't call people nasty names as easy as some people do.”

It felt like somebody had set me on fire because I was just that hot. “Yeah, I am using a lot of foul language these days, and I am calling your BITCH some foul names. What did you expect?”

“Well, I guess I'll come to your house when I want to see my daughter, huh?”

“
Our
daughter. And let me remind you that I was the one who carried her. I was the one who suffered through hour after hour of labor to bring her into the world. She's more my daughter than she is yours.”

“You'd better watch your step, woman.”

“Don't call me woman! I am not your woman!”

“True. But after what you just said, I need to know something.”

“What do you need to ask me?” I screeched.

“Is Charlotte my daughter?”

I thought my ears were going to fall off because the words that had just hit them felt like acid. “How dare you ask me a question like that!”

“Well, is she?”

“Of course she's your daughter. And if you don't believe me, you can easily find out by getting a DNA test! I can't believe you would even fix your lips to ask me something like that. Oh my God!”

“I'm sorry. I didn't mean to go there. Listen, all I want is to be able to see my child on a regular basis. And I plan to.”

“I am sure you will. But if you ever bring that bitch back to my house again, people are going to read about you and her both in the newspaper! The obituaries!” I warned.

“I knew you were goin' to be talkin' all kinds of shit before I even picked up the telephone!”

“Then why did you call here, asshole? Look, can you hurry up and finish saying what you called to say. I've…I've got a date!”

“Uh-huh. I see you didn't waste no time.”

“No, I didn't waste any time finding me somebody else. And guess what, he's a real man. He's not a punk….”

“All right. This conversation is over—”

I didn't even let him finish his sentence. I slammed the phone down as hard as I could.

I was sorry about all of the profanity I had used and all of the hurtful things I'd said. I had always thought that I was a level-headed woman who didn't fly off the handle the way I'd seen some of the other black women in Richland do. But I couldn't even imagine a sister as regal and stately as Oprah
not
getting down and dirty in a situation like mine. If Pee Wee's actions didn't justify my behavior, what did?

I scolded myself for telling that lie about me already having a new man. But the one thing that I didn't want Pee Wee and Lizzie—or anybody else—to think was that nobody else wanted me.

Now all I had to do was find somebody who did.