Give Me a Reason (38 page)

“Yeah?”

Laura paused, trying to find the words. “Sweetheart, being
with you is different than it was when I was with a man.”

“Let’s not go there, shall we?”

“No, that’s not what I mean. Look, taking the fact that I’m
in love with you out of this equation, you and I are both women. Even though
everyone has different erogenous zones, different turn-ons, wouldn’t you say
that most of ours are the same?”

“I suppose.”

“And you’ve got to know how much I enjoy what you do to me,
don’t you?”

“Yes, I do,” Toni said through a knowing smile.

“So why wouldn’t I want to do the same for you? I love you,
Toni, and I want to make you happy. It didn’t take a book or a video or
anything else to
show
me how to make love to
you because I’m
in
love with you…and that’s
all the instruction I need.”

***

“Tell me about crowds.”

Toni looked up from her coffee. “They’re large groups of
people, normally found on busy streets or in shops running sales.”

“Tell me about why they bother you.”

“Besides the fact that they’re normally made up of strangers,
you mean?”

“Yes,” Abby said, putting down her coffee. “Is this a tough
subject?”

“No tougher than the others.”

“Then tell me why you’re so afraid of crowds.”

Taking a deep breath, Toni leaned back into the sofa. “There
were only about forty of us on the wing, and with three levels to wander
around, there should have been enough room for everyone, but the only thing I
had in common with the other cons was my gender. They were in for a multitude
of crimes, some of passion and some of...some of pure hatred, and even though
they weren’t deemed insane by the court, trust me, they were. I mean, how can
you kill your own children or mutilate or abuse someone and still be considered
sane? And those women...they just seemed to feed on pain.”

“What do you mean?”

“It was like a narcotic to them,” Toni said, scowling as she
shook her head. “I’d watch from across the way as they talked about what they
had done and their eyes...I swear their eyes glazed over like they had just
snorted crack. They got off on it. They got off on talking about the agony they
had caused, and when talking wasn’t enough, when their past no longer amused
them, they’d look for new victims, so they’d have something else to brag
about.”

“And you were one of their victims?”

“They’d only strike when the wing was crowded, like during
unlock in the morning or when the screws were herding us out to the exercise
yard or to the servery, and sometimes I would just be in the wrong place. They
were great at backing you into a corner and giving you a punch or two, but they
really got off on it if they could stab you.”

“What?”

“Maybe stab is too strong of a word,” Toni said quietly.
“They didn’t have knives, just shivs made out of anything they could find, and
when they got the chance, they’d use them. The first time it happened, I almost
called a screw, but then I remembered where I was. Grass on another con and my
days were numbered, that much I knew, so I just covered it with my hand until I
could get back to my cell to repair the damage.”

“How long did this go on?”

“How long was I in Thornbridge?” Toni asked, looking up.

“Wait, I don’t understand. If you were stabbed, surely you
went to the infirmary. Why didn’t the doctors tell the guards?”

“I tried not to go to medical.”

“Why not?”

“Because it was staffed by a bunch of incompetents, and the
only doctor was an arrogant son of a bitch who caused more me pain than what I
walked in with. I was never given a painkiller or anesthetic. He’d just pour on
some alcohol, put in a few sutures and send me back to my cell. So, eventually
I learned to take care of myself. The only time I went back was when I was
almost beaten to death, and all I got then was an IV with some fluids, clean sheets
and a mattress slightly thicker than the one in my cell.”

“Okay, but you still went a few times. Why didn’t they at
least someone what was going on?”

“You don’t get it, do you?” Toni snapped. “It wasn’t just the
screws or the cons. It was everyone. They all wanted a piece of the pie, and as
long as they kept their mouths shut, they got it.”

“What do you mean by a piece of the pie?”

“Lucrative career.”

“Sorry?”

“That’s what the governor said he had, remember? In one of
our first sessions, I told you about—”

“Oh…when he showed you those photographs?”

“Yeah, and whenever I thought about that day, all I could
remember were the pictures of those poor women, but then one afternoon out of
nowhere, his words popped into my head. What the hell did he mean by his
lucrative
career? I was fairly certain someone in
his position couldn’t take home that much money, but for the life of me, I
couldn’t figure out what he meant until late one night, it became crystal
clear.”

“What happened?”

“Earlier in the day, one of the cons had cut me, so I was
standing near the window, trying to use the light from the courtyard to view
the damage, when I heard a truck pull into the yard. My cell was one of the
closest to the main gate, and I was forever hearing delivery trucks coming and
going during the day, but never at night. So, I looked out my window and then
watched as the screws filled it with the prison supplies.”

“They were stealing food?”

“Not just food.”

Pausing for a moment, Abby said in a breath, “They were
stealing drugs.”

“Yes. Judging by what they gave us to eat, I’m sure they took
food as well, but it was mainly about the drugs. Thornbridge was first and
foremost a prison for the criminally insane and violent psychopaths sometimes
require—”

“Heavy-duty medication.”

“Exactly, and that’s the reason no one in medical said a word
to the screws. They knew what was going on, and they didn’t care.”

“And that’s the reason you don’t like doctors?”

“You asked me once what was the first thing I thought of when
I saw a man. Do you remember?”

“Yes. You said that you wondered what kind of belt he wore.”

“So tell me, Abby, what do you think I see when I see a crowd
or a doctor?”

Letting out a long breath, Abby said quietly, “Pain. You see
nothing but pain.”

Chapter Thirty-Six

“Hi there,” Krista said as Toni opened the door. “Sorry I’m
late, but traffic was a bugger.”

“No problem,” Toni said as she leaned over to kiss her on the
cheek. “I just put dinner on the table.”

“Speaking of dinner, what the hell is all over your shirt?”

Looking down, Toni laughed. “I had a battle with the tomato
sauce, and it won. Why don’t you pour the wine, and I’ll be down in a minute.”

“Um…okay…sure,” Kris said, watching as Toni ran up the
stairs.

A few minutes later, Toni returned to find her glass filled
with wine and her plate practically overflowing with lasagna. “Thanks,” she
said, sliding into her chair.

“No problem,” Kris said, regarding Toni quizzically for a
second. “Sorry Robin couldn’t come over.”

“You know, this is the second lasagna dinner she’s turned
down. She’s going to give me a complex if she doesn’t show up soon, and Lord
knows I don’t need any more of those,” Toni said, smiling.

“Trust me, she wanted to be here, but it was her mum’s
birthday, and her brothers insisted she make an appearance.”

“Without you?” When all she received was an eye roll in
response, Toni laughed. “Don’t tell me that Chloe still hasn’t accepted you
yet?”

“Nope,” Krista said, shaking her head. “Robin and I have been
together for over seven years, married for five, and the woman still can’t come
to terms with the fact that her daughter is a lesbian.”

“Technically, it’s a civil partnership.”

“True, but as far as Robin and I are concerned, we’re
married. Of course, as far as Chloe is concerned, we’re housemates.”

“Who shower together,” Toni said through a grin.

“Exactly.”

“I’m taking Chloe doesn’t visit often then?”

“Oh, she pops in now and again, but never ventures past the
first floor. I think she’s afraid she’ll see some lesbian paraphernalia lying
about,” Kris said, diving her fork into the lasagna.

The room got quiet as both continued to devour their dinner,
and pausing to take a sip of wine, Krista asked, “And what about Laura? Where’s
she tonight?”

“On her way back from Runcorn.”

“Runcorn?”

“Yeah, she and John had an appointment with the Department
for Education to go over Calloway’s numbers for the year, and they’ve got more
meetings scheduled this week with some of our supporters.”

“Problems?”

“No, nothing like that. It’s basically a wine-and-dine thing.
They thank them for all the money they gave us last year...and then they ask
for more for this year.”

“Oh, I see.”

They returned to their meal, and after a few more minutes had
passed, Toni pushed away her empty plate. Looking up to see Krista smiling back
at her, Toni asked, “What’s that for?” Quickly wiping the corners of her mouth
with a napkin, she said, “Did I miss something?”

“No, but apparently I did.”

“Huh?”

“Well, correct me if I’m wrong, but the last time I was here,
you lived
downstairs
. So, I’m trying to figure
out why you went
upstairs
to get a new shirt.”

Toni’s mouth fell open, and after fidgeting in her chair for
a moment, she said, “Oh...right...well, there’s been a few changes since last
you visited.”

Krista’s first reaction was to jump out of her chair and
shout out with glee, but first reactions aren’t always the wisest, and as
quickly as the thought entered her mind, it exited. This wasn’t a conquest to
giggle over or one where ratings would be applied. This was her closest friend
in the world taking an unbelievably large step. Not wanting to jump to any
conclusions, she cautiously asked, “Are you okay?”

Hearing the concern in Krista’s voice, Toni said, “Yes, Kris.
I’m very much okay.”

“I’m so happy for you,” Kris blurted, finally allowing her
exuberance to show.

“Thanks.”

“And I’m assuming Laura’s okay, too? I mean, you were her
first, weren’t you?”

“Yes, I was, and she’s fine. Actually, she’s amazing.”

Unable to resist, Krista leaned over and leered. “Exactly
how
amazing?”

“It took you all of what, two minutes to go there?” Toni
said, laughing.

“I was pacing myself,” Krista quipped.

Smiling at her friend for a moment, Toni reached across the
table and took Krista’s hand. Running her thumb over her knuckles, she brought
her eyes up to meet Krista’s. “Thank you.”

“I didn’t do anything.”

“If it wasn’t for you insisting that Laura buy more apples,
this may never have happened.”

“She told you about that?”

“Yeah, the other night.”

“You’re not mad, are you?”

“Of course not, but I can’t figure out why you thought she
could help me?”

“I didn’t know if she could or she couldn’t, Toni, but after
two years of seeing you show almost no emotion, when you got so bloody angry
over that stupid apple, I figured what the hell. You were already so far gone I
didn’t think I had anything to lose, so I took a chance.”

“I’m really glad you did.”

“So am I.”

***

Behind the walls and windows and doors of Laura’s house, Toni
had become who she once was. Swaggering and mischievous, her confidence level
soared in the privacy of their home, but when morning rolled around, and it was
time to go to work, reality always returned. After kissing Laura good-bye on
Tuesday morning, Toni climbed into her old Jeep and drove to Calloway, easily
returning to the routine that had enabled her to survive for so long.

Knowing Laura had meetings scheduled throughout the week,
Toni didn’t visit her office that afternoon. Instead, she sat alone in her
classroom eating a sandwich and reading a book until she heard the sound of
heels tapping their way down the corridor. Without looking up, Toni said,
“You’d best have brought me an apple.”

The sound of a low, sexy chuckle brought a smile to Toni’s
face, and it grew even larger when Laura placed an apple on the corner of the
desk.

“I thought you had a lunch appointment?” Toni asked as she
reached out and touched Laura’s hand.

“I did. That’s why I’m here.”

Something in the tone of Laura’s voice made Toni’s smile
disappear. “What’s wrong?”

“Actually, nothing. Well, not really,” Laura said, sitting on
the corner of the desk.

“What do you mean, not really?”

“It seems our benefactors are quite impressed with our
success rate.”

“Yeah?”

“Apparently, out of all the rehabilitation programs out
there, our repeat offender numbers are the lowest, and they’re attributing our
success to our teaching program…and to our staff.”

“Why do I think I’m not going to like what you’re about to
say?”

Laura didn’t have to say a word because the look on her face
told Toni all she needed to know. As if the past several months had never
happened, Toni straightened in her chair. Placing her hands palm down on the
desk, she whispered, “Please don’t do this to me, Laura.”

“I tried everything I could, sweetheart,” Laura said softly,
kneeling by Toni’s side. “But they want to meet our teachers and monitor some
classes.”

“You can’t let them do that. You can’t let them in here.”

“Toni, it’s because of them that Calloway exists. The
government funds aren’t enough, and if they like what they see, they’re talking
about opening another school.”

“So I’m going to be on display like an animal in a fucking
zoo?”

“It’s not just you. They want to meet all the teachers and
sit in on some classes. They’ll only be here a few days—”

“Then I’ll take a holiday. I have the leave time.”

Laura placed her hand on Toni’s knee. “Unfortunately, that’s
not going to work.”

“Why not? I have plenty of leave. You know I have plenty of
leave!”

“I know you do, sweetheart, and trust me, when they told me
what they wanted to do, that was the first thing I thought of, but it simply
won’t work. You know how we ask all the students to rate the classes after the
term is over?”

“Yeah…so?”

“Well, those forms are forwarded to the Department of
Education and Skills, and copies are also sent to our sponsors, and it seems
that your name kept coming up. Apparently, your students think you’re a great
teacher,” Laura said with a weak smile. “So you see, even though they want to
meet the entire staff, they especially want to meet you.”

Allowing the words to sink in, Toni slouched in her chair.
“Fuck!”

***

“Toni, you need to calm down.”

“How can I be calm? Why couldn’t she just tell them to sod
off?”

“She can’t do that. Those are the people that keep Calloway
going, and Laura is smart enough to know that, as you should be.”

“So in other words, what I want doesn’t matter.”

“Oh, now you’re sounding like a spoiled brat,” Abby said,
tossing her notepad to the side. “Just because John gave you certain liberties
when you went to work at Calloway doesn’t mean you get to run the show, and don’t
forget that Laura convinced them that a full day of monitoring would be too
disruptive. All you have to do is put up with them for an hour.”

“That’s one hour too many,” Toni said as she threw herself on
the sofa.

“Are you planning to allow Laura to protect you for your
entire life?”

“What the hell’s that supposed to mean?”

“Exactly what I said. Are your intentions to have Laura keep
you safe from harm? To do all the shopping, order your food when you go out and
buy you clothes when you need them?”

“No, of course not.”

“Then why should you expect her to coddle you now?”

Abby’s words sunk in, and with a sigh, Toni rested her head
on the sofa and stared at the ceiling. “I’m scared.”

“Of what?”

“Of fucking things up and making Laura look like an idiot.”

“And how would you do that?”

“By freaking out in front of the suits.”

“You didn’t freak out when Laura monitored your class several
months ago.”

“True, but I doubt that I’ll get away with having the class
read to themselves for an hour.”

“Point taken,” Abby said. “So what are you planning to do?”

“I have no idea, but honestly, Abby, I just can’t see myself
glad-handing those people. I just can’t.”

***

Pulling apart the last bits of lettuce for their salad, when
Toni heard Laura’s “It’s me” shouted from the entry, she called out, “You’re
late. Where’ve you been?”

Hearing rustling in the hallway, Toni looked up just as Laura
walked into the kitchen carrying several bags filled with groceries.

“Sorry. I decided to stop on my way home,” she said, placing
a few of the bags on the table.

“But I thought we were going to go tonight?”

“Well, since I pass it on the way home, I thought I’d save us
the bother of going back out.”

“Oh.”

Tossing her coat on a chair, Laura walked over and gave Toni
a quick kiss. “Hiya. Whatcha making?”

“Salad…to go with spaghetti, if that’s all right.”

“Sounds good to me,” Laura said as she started emptying the
bags. “How’d your session go today? Did you tell Abby about the sponsors coming
in on Friday?”

“Actually, we talked about it quite a bit.”

“And?”

“She told me to stop acting like a spoiled brat.”

Whipping around, Laura growled, “She
what
?”

Amused by Laura’s quick temper, Toni walked over and rested
her hands on Laura’s shoulders. “Darling, as much as I hate to admit it, she’s
right. I can’t keep expecting the world to stay out of my way, or for you to
try to protect me from it. It isn’t fair.”

“I don’t try to protect you from it.”

“No?” Toni asked, glancing at the pile of groceries on the
table. “Then why did you decide to go to the supermarket without me?”

With a sigh, Laura said quietly, “But I don’t mind. I really
don’t.”

“I know you don’t, and we both know there’ll be times when
I’ll need your help, but this shouldn’t be one of them. I won’t have you buying
all our groceries simply because it’s easier on me, and I can’t let a few
blokes in three-piece suits get in the way of something I love. Laura, I love
to teach. I love to see those women learning to read and to write. I have no
idea how I’m going to manage it right now, but come Friday, I’m going to teach
my fucking class…just like I always do.”

“Yeah?”

“Yep,” Toni said as she placed a kiss on Laura’s cheek. “Now,
if I can only figure out how.”

***

Relaxing in the lounge a few hours later, as Toni handed
Laura a glass of wine, she said, “Tell me about your family.”

“My family?”

“Yeah.”

Taking a sip of the Chianti, Laura asked, “Where’d that come
from?”

“Two places, actually. First, it’ll get my mind off of
meeting the suits on Friday and second, Abby suggested it.”

“Why?”

“She thought that the more I knew about them, the more
familiar they would be, and I might be a tad more relaxed…not so nervous when I
meet them.”

“That sounds like an excellent idea,” Laura said as she sat
up and crossed her legs under her. “What do you want to know?”

“Anything. Everything,” Toni said with a shrug. “What they
look like? What they do for a living? Stuff like that.”

“All right. Where do you want me to start?”

“Well, I’ve met your mum. What about your dad?”

Pausing for a moment, Laura said, “Well, I’m not sure that I
can tell you that much about him.”

“Laura, he
is
your father.”

“I told you before that I don’t think of him as my father. I
don’t even call him Dad.”

“Really?”

“No, I always call him Bill.”