Garden of Shadows (24 page)

"Mama, I've become a woman!"
"Darling, what are you talking about?" "Mama, I'm in a womanly way!"
My heart stopped and I reeled around, shocked

and trembling.
"Mama, I've got my . . ."
Her face was flushed, her big blue eyes filled

with wonder and excitement, and she was shyly giggling. "Mama, I've got my period. Now I'm really a woman."

I reached down and took her hands in my own. I was flabbergasted. Corinne was only fourteen years old; she didn't even know the difference between being a woman and being in a womanly way. But she was so proud and excited to be a woman. How poignantly happy I felt for her. How different it was for me. Why, I hadn't gotten my period until I was sixteen years old, and by that time my mother was dead, and I had no one with whom to share the secret of my change.

Corinne began gathering the flowers I had cut, weaving the stems together, entwining blossoms of all colors to make a festive wreath. I watched her with a bittersweet mixture of envy and love. For when I was a girl, the only crown my womanhood brought me was a barren crown of thorns. Indeed, I had been ashamed of the coming of my menses, wanting to hide it from my father and the servants, so embarrassed and ashamed that someone would find out that that night I had gone to bed praying to God to let me stay a little girl. I hadn't wanted to be a woman, and for good reason, for even now what did it bring me in terms of love but my dearest children, all now about to embark on their own adult lives. And here was Corinne already the sort of woman I had never been and would never be.

Corinne went over and sat on the ship rock that decorated the center of our garden. "Aren't you going to tell me all about love now, Mama? Aren't I ready now? Oh, I have so many longings inside me, I feel like I could burst."

. . ." She bent her head over and swept up the hair, fastening bright forget-me-nots to her golden locks. "I'm so curious to know everything."

"When a man kisses you, Mama, do you just die inside?"
"Darling--"
"When he takes you in his arms"--she embraced herself, jumped up, and waltzed around the flowers-- "do you feel like the ground is dancing with you? Mama, I must know! I'll just die if I have to spend the rest of my life in Foxworth Hall. I want marriage. I want lov.e. I want to go dancing every night. I want to be taken on cruises to exotic lands where the women don't wear blouses and the men beat drums. Oh, I know Daddy would never approve, he wants me to be his little girl forever, but you know .I can't be. You must have once wanted these things too, Mama. You must have wanted a man who swept you off your feet, who promised to love you forever and ever, who made the world shake and tremble every time he touched your hand. Did Daddy make you feel that way?"
"Your father--"
"He's so handsome, I bet, I just bet and"-- Corinne threw her hands around my waist and began waltzing me around the garden--"I bet you were just wild about him."
I stopped the dance and sat down on the ship rock to catch my breath. Could Corinne see the pain in my eyes? Wild about him? Yes, I was wild--wild with a desperate hope for love. But what did I get instead? The consummation of our marriage that should have been warm and wonderful was literally a rape. He attacked me with his mother's name on his lips. That was my initiation to love. I never had Malcolm's love.
Corinne was staring at me with the strangest expression in her sky blue eyes, expectant, almost afraid.
"Mama," she said, "promise me someone will love me, some wonderful young man will win my heart. Promise."
Suddenly a dark cloud passed over her eyes, and she bent over, pained by a cramp.
"Womanhood brings pain along with its joys, and every month you'll be reminded of this. You know, Corinne, relations between a man and a woman are more complicated than you can ever imagine. It's not just flowers and rainbows, though we might wish with all our hearts it were. As the poets have always told us, love more resembles a rose, with harsh, hurting thorns beneath its bright, beautiful blossom. For some of us, the thorns are hardly noticeable, so sweet is the scent of the rose, but for others the rose is small, and shriveled almost before it's bloomed, and we are left with a bush of thorns, like tiny needles poking your heart--"
"But, Mama, the pain's already gone. I know you know everything about life, Mama, and I know you're trying to protect me. But I know something in my heart, and I just know it's true. I know I'm going to be one of those special lucky girls--I mean women-- who have a special special love, pure and bright, an all-lifelong true love. And I know that when it comes I'll be ready, and I'll do anything, anything,
anything
to claim it for my own. Oh, Mama, I can tell things aren't always fine between you and Daddy. But that doesn't mean it has to be that way for me, does it?"
I knew it would be different for her--as it had been for Alicia--and for the Corinne before her. How I envied her. How I dreamed for her.
"Does it, Mama? Won't it be different for me?"
I looked at her face, her full rose-petal mouth opened slightly in question. "Of course, Corinne, of course it will be different for you. For you have the gifts all women long for--beauty, sweetness, innocence, a loving heart--"
I hugged her to my breast to hide the tears that sprang to my eyes. Oh, how I wished she were really mine But she
was
mine My love had made her mine. At last my love had created something beautiful, and had been rewarded with the brightest flower in all Virginia.
"Come, dear, let's go inside. Have you taken care of your situation?"
"Oh, Mama, of course. Mrs. Tethering gave me the necessary, and of course you know, Mama, all the girls at school talk about nothing else. Oh, I'm so happy this happened just in time before I return to school. I may have left a girl, but I'll be returning a woman!"
Corinne practically skipped back into the house, and just as we climbed the front steps, Mal roared up the drive on a shining black motorcycle. We both stopped and stared, mouths agape. Malcolm had repeatedly forbidden Mal to have a motorcycle. It had been the source of bitter disputes between the two of them, Malcolm trying to force Mal to be pointed only toward the business world, Mal insisting on "sowing his wild oats." I tried to stay out of it, for truly, those machines frightened me and seemed so dangerous, but Mal wanted one so desperately, and, after all, he had come into the trust fund I'd forced Malcolm to set up for each of the boys when Corinne was born. And now Mal had gone and bought a motorcycle. Inwardly I smiled, satisfied in some way to know that Malcolm had not succeeded in breaking my son's spirit the way he had broken mine. Oh, I was proud of my son Mal, so bright and handsome, wise beyond his years, and fun-loving too. I was glad he had followed his wishes. He looked dashing as he drove up, and Corinne was practically jumping up and down in excitement to see her big brother on his motorcycle.
"Hey, Corinne. Want a ride?" He revved the motor. His manly young body was straddling the huge bike. He wore leather boots with metal taps and a beautiful flowing white silk scarf, like a pilot from the Great War.
"Oh, Mama, Mama, can I?"
"Corinne, you are a young woman. It's so dangerous. I forbid you--"
"Mother!" Mal said. "I'll just take her for a spin around the driveway. Don't be so old-fashioned."
"Can I? Oh, please, Mama?"
"Do you really think this is how a lady behaves?"
"Lucy McCarthy's brother has a motorcycle and he sometimes drives her to school and the McCarthys are really rich and prominent and Daddy even says so and--"
Mal revved his motor once again. A booming filled the driveway. I didn't want Malcolm to come out to see what the commotion was.
"Mother," Mal said, kicking the dust with his leather boot, "it's only around the driveway. I'll drop Corinne off at the gate and she can walk back. Besides, if you don't let me take her for a ride, I'm going to make you get on."
Both my children laughed and laughed, and I, frightened as I was, said, "Only around the driveway."
"Oh, thank you, thank you, Mama," Corinne squealed, and she climbed onto the huge bike, holding Mal tightly around his waist.
I had to admit that they looked dashing together. Corinne with her blond hair, blue eyes, delicate arms around her brother, and Mal, with his leather jacket, boots, and white scarf.
"Drive carefully," I shouted, but the loud machine had already pulled away, kicking up gravel and sand in its wake.
As I watched them disappear beyond the rim of the hill, I felt a cold presence on the back of my neck. "What was that?" the cold, angry voice of Malcolm demanded. I spun arounddeg to confront him. His anger had already built up to a combustible force, but was contained, revealing itself only in his blood-red complexion, his bulging, angry eyes, and his clenched fists held firmly, against his thighs. He looked like an overheated stove about to explode.
"Did I see what I thought I saw?" he demanded.
"Malcolm, I long ago ceased to even try to imagine what you see," I retorted. Then I sat down on the rocker on the porch. He was so angry he looked like a parody of himself. I couldn't help but tickle his torment.
"What is it you thought you saw?" I asked.
"I saw," he thundered, "a moronic middle-aged woman let her precious young daughter climb onto a motorcycle with her idiot first son. A motorcycle I have forbidden time and time again! And, without a thought to her children's well-being and good breeding, I saw them climb onto that dangerous machine and roar off like hooligans down the driveway. Then I saw that same moronic middle-aged woman smile."
"I was smiling," I replied, lifting myself up to my full height and putting all my pride for my children in my voice, "because I was contemplating taking a ride myself."
"You are an even bigger fool than I thought you were, Olivia. You were fool enough when you blackmailed me into giving those boys trust funds that they would come into at the ridiculously young age of eighteen. See how much economic responsibility and wisdom they have? This is a young man I am supposed to turn over the leadership of a billion-dollar empire to? I warned you; I warned you. Let me handle the money; let me control the expenditures; but no, you had to . . . to blackmail me into giving them a small fortune to squander.
"And that's just what he has started to do . squander it. I insist, no, I demand that you order him to sell this. . . this thing immediately and attempt to recover most of the expenditure."
"I don't see how I can do that," I said, my voice calm. I knew the calmer and softer I spoke, the more enraged he became.
"What! Why not?"
"The money is his to do with what he likes. He cannot be checking with me every time he wants to spend some of it. It would take away from his independence, and his assuming independence is a very important thing at this stage in his life," I said. "You had it at his age."
"I had more sense at his age!" He glared at me. "You are enjoying this, aren't you? You think this is a way to take some sort of sick revenge on me, don't you?"
"Of course not," I said, even though what he said was true in a sense.
"This will weigh heavily on your conscience," he warned me, waving his right forefinger at me threateningly. "In the end you will regret not listening to me," he added with that Foxworth confidence I had come to hate. He looked away and stood there silently for a moment. I said nothing. Then he turned back to me. I could sense that he had been calming himself down enough to go on.
"So now you expect me to send my eldest son back to Yale on a goddamn motorcycle. You are undermining me, Olivia. You know the plans I have for Mal. I can't have him riding off like riffraff on some newfangled machine. And Joel--look what you've turned him into--a fairy musician, and I warned you! He'll end up useless, useless, I say." "Alicia truly believed Joel was a prodigy," I reminded him tartly. "She called him a musical genius, and he is, Malcolm, if you were only sensitive enough to know that genius comes in many forms, not just in the form of making money."
His lips trembled with acrimony. His eyes positively glowed like hot coals, brightening as the fire behind them raged. The veins in his temples pressed out against his skin as he worked his jaw. He swallowed and stepped forward, his shoulders rising, his chest puffed out.
"You are using my sons to whip me. Don't deny it. You are swinging them about the way you would swing a whip against my naked back, extracting some horrible satisfaction from each stroke. But beware," he warned me. "Your vengeance will rebound upon you."
"Don't try to pass the guilt on to me," I responded quickly. The days of his intimidating me were long over. "I never encouraged the boys to disobey you. They are who they are because of you, because you never spent enough time with them to provide them with an example. How many times have I asked you, no, begged you to take more interest in them, to be more of a father to them?
"But no, you had your own hardened views of what a father-son relationship should be, punishing them because of the way you felt about your own father.
"Well, now you are reaping that harvest. You planted the seeds, not I. And if the crop isn't to your liking, it's your doing, not mine."
"My sons may be lost to me," he stormed. "But I still have my daughter. And she is mine, Olivia,
mine! Do you hear me?
And I will not permit her to ride around on dangerous motorcycles like some teenaged harlot. I will not let you turn her against me. I will not have you threaten her young life riding around on that
thing!"
"Here she comes now, Malcolm. Don't ruin this day for her with your idiotic rage."
Corinne was running up the long driveway, waving to Malcolm and me. She was still so far in the distance, I thought her wild gestures were the result of her excitement. A dark cloud passed over the sun, and I could see only her fluttering white hands, like tiny doves, beckoning to me, and those bright blue eyes, like glowing sapphires, in her now pale face. Oh, had I known! Had I known what those beautiful blue eyes had just seen!
"Mama! Daddy!
Mama! Daddy!"
I ran toward her. I knew at once something was terribly wrong. "Malcolm," I screamed.
"Malcolm, come at once!"
Corinne suddenly froze, and fell to her knees, weeping.
"Corinne!" Malcolm screamed. "My darling, what's wrong? Are you hurt? Oh, my God!"
"Oh, Daddy, Daddy, it's Mal. It's Mal, he . . oh God . . . oh God . . ." she sobbed.
"Are you okay, my precious," Malcolm moaned, holding her in his arms.
"What has happened to Mal! What has happened to my son!" I wailed.
"He . . . we . . . oh Lord, Mama, he told me to get off and then . . . and then he . . . he was going so fast , . . oh, Mama."
"Where is my son!"
"The bike just went roaring, Mama. It all happened so fast. Mal was speeding down the road and then . . ."
"Yes?" I didn't recognize my voice. It sounded like an animal's.
"And then the bike just seemed to take off, like he was flying, and the next thing I knew he went over the cliff and . . . oh God, oh God . . . there was a horrible explosion and a huge cloud of smoke rose and I ran home to get Daddy."
I began running, running down the driveway, running down the road. "Mal, oh my son, my Mal!"
I could see the smoke rising in a large black cloud. A fire, like a burning sun, roared at the bottom of the cliff. I tried to run toward it, into it, but Malcolm's powerful arms stopped me.
"Stop, Olivia, you can't help him now." Malcolm's voice was cold and clipped. I clawed at his arms like a wild woman I had to get to Mal.
"It's
my
son!" I
screamed. "I must save him!" Malcolm was shaking me, shaking me as he stared at the black smoke that rose from the gulley. Then he looked up at the sky, the sky gone suddenly cold and distant. He dropped me to the ground as he reached for Corinne, who was weeping silently, watching the black smoke color the sky black. Color the day black, color all my days black from then on. Mal. My first son. My first love. Mal. I wanted to tear up the ground, tear at the earth until there was nothing left. Malcolm and Corinne stared at me, as if my grief were too much for them to bear. "I must go to him," I said, rising to my feet, but Corinne threw her arms about my waist, and Malcolm looked at me, his cold blue eyes burning ice into my soul. "It's too late, Olivia. You let your son go. Mal's dead."