FSF, March-April 2010 (24 page)

"What, are you claiming women can't write? Oh, I see, the sex angle. Well, there's no love affairs to preoccupy you either, whether you're straight or gay, thanks to the Lustoblox in the diet. So the whole scene is perfect for scribbling. We call it ‘Yaddo with razorwire.’ Now c'mon, let's get some grub. It's Friday, so they're serving the same smoked salmon you get at Sebastian Junger's Half King Bar in New York!"

That first meal went swell. Harry and I sat at a table that included a best-selling mystery writer, a Pulitizer-prize-winning poet, a memoirist, a self-help author, and a retired general. Once they found out I was a newbie, they practically fell all over themselves giving me friendly advice. That's when I realized all the bad things I had heard about writers and writing was really just a ruse, to conceal the sweet racket they had going for themselves.

That first night in prison I had the best sleep I had enjoyed in ages—no mindless partying till all hours of the early morning like I used to—and the next day I got up refreshed and ready to write.

I won't bore you with the tale of the next thirteen months. If you're interested, you can read all about it in my
McSweeney's
essay. But I will say that when a certain visiting day rolled around and my new agent showed up on the other side of the bulletproof glass and told me over the speakerphone that my novel had been accepted by GoogleBooks for a big advance, I knew right away that I'd be coming back to Otisville every other year, once each national book tour for the current project was done.

The feds have a special bargain offer for recidivists, and the royalty rates are much higher.

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Ben Rosenbaum collaborated recently with Ethan Ham and others on
Tumbarumba,
a conceptual artwork in the form of a Firefox browser extension. You can find it online at
www.turbulence.org/Works/tumbarumba/.
"The Frog Comrade,” as you might guess from the title, puts a new spin on a classic fairy tale.

Once there was a princess who lived in a small apartment and could never leave. She lived with her mother and her older sister, and a guard to keep them there. Her father, the former king, had been taken away to a camp in the highlands, to work very hard and learn about the new system. Her mother cried almost every day.

Her older sister had ringlets of black hair and flashing eyes, and knew what was best for everyone. She convinced the guard to bring her things that were hard to find, like oranges and chocolate. She would share a little with her sister and keep the rest for herself.

The younger princess had plain brown hair and ordinary eyes and did not even know what was best for herself. She sat with her mother, reading fairy tales and trying to make her smile.

One fine day when the younger princess was twelve years old, her father returned from the highlands, thin, and hobbling, and very happy to be home. The former queen leapt from the sofa, crying tears of joy. The old king and the old queen embraced, and from then on those two, at least, lived happily until they died.

When they were eating dinner and the guard had gone out of the room to smoke, the princesses’ father said, “My girls, I have brought you two gifts from an old witch in the highlands, who for some reason liked it better when I was king. One is a hat which makes whoever wears it invisible. The other is a frog that talks. Who is to have which gift?"

The older daughter said, “Is this the kind of frog that, when you kiss it, it turns into a handsome prince?"

"I believe it is that kind,” said the former king, “though I have never tried it out. However, you should recall that being a prince is no great thing nowadays, and perhaps dangerous."

"I am no prince!” said an angry voice from the old king's pocket.

"I will take the hat,” said the older daughter.

The old king looked to the younger daughter, who could not decide what she wanted, but to make them all happy, she said, “I would love a frog. Thank you, Father."

The father gave the hat to the older sister and the frog to the younger. The frog was cool to the touch, and a fine bright shade of green. It stared solemnly at the younger sister, and she felt a flutter in her heart.

They heard the guard's boots on the stairs.

The older sister cried, “Goodbye, dear Mother and Father! Goodbye, dear Sister! I am off to make my way in the world!” and before the eyes of the astonished guard, she put on the hat and disappeared. She rushed through the open door, down the stairs, and into the street.

The younger princess hid her frog.

Later, when the younger princess was sitting by the window, missing her sister, wishing she could go outside and play, she took the frog out of her pocket. “Do you want me to kiss you?” she whispered.

"Certainly not,” said the frog. “Kissing is romance, and romance is just the kind of silliness the new system has gotten rid of. Romance makes people think princes and princesses are better than everyone else, and distracts us from working to make everyone healthier and happier. I am against kissing."

Instead, every day, when the guard was outside smoking, the princess would take the frog from her pocket and talk to it. Often she read it fairy tales, which it said were full of foolishness and wrong ideas.

Letters arrived from the older sister, who had escaped to a country where everyone could say just what they wanted, although no one listened to anyone else, and where everyone was rich, except for those who were not. She had tried to become a supermodel, but she had found she could not hold still for very long. So she had become a gossip columnist, aided by her magic hat. Despite the black blotches of the censor's pen, they could tell that she was living a reasonably happy life, full of excitement.

On the eve of the younger daughter's sixteenth birthday, the guard came to tell them he was leaving. “There has been another revolution,” he said. “More walls and statues have been pulled down. Kings and queens and princesses are no longer dangerous. Now they are ordinary, and now it is the job of everyone to get rich. You do not need me to watch you anymore, so I am off to make my way in the world.” He left the apartment and went down the stairs, leaving all the doors open.

For the first time in many years, the young princess and her parents crept outside, quiet as thieves. They went straight to the park, where they caressed the leaves, the bark, the stones, and the benches like lovers, or like blind people memorizing shapes.

The princess brought her magic frog to her first day of school, eager to show the other students. They laughed at her, calling: “Princess, princess, kiss your magic frog!” When the frog chastised them, they angrily accused her of ventriloquism. The princess ran away, red with shame.

"They are fools,” said the frog as they sat on a bench in the park. “It is not your fault that you are a princess with a head full of romantic nonsense. Instead of working together humbly to educate you and setting you a good example of diligent labor for the common good, they used you for their own amusement! Cruelty and selfishness must not be tolerated in the new system."

"Frog!” cried the princess. “What are you talking about? The new system is gone! It has failed! Didn't you hear the teachers?"

"The new system is not gone from my heart,” said the frog. “And the new system did not fail. We failed the new system. We got rid of princes, but then some of our comrades set themselves up as princes instead. This misled the people."

"Frog,” said the princess, “I never liked the new system. It locked my family up in an apartment! It sent my father to work until he was thin and hobbling!"

So they argued, and so the princess forgot for a while how the other students had laughed at her.

From then on, the princess avoided the other children. After school, she and the frog went to the movies. From the movies, it seemed that the job of everyone after the second revolution was not only to get rich, but also to kiss a great deal and even to take their clothes off all the time. The princess and her frog argued about this, as they argued about everything. The princess did not know what to think, but arguing with the frog made her feel closer to knowing what she thought.

Soon it was time for the princess to go to university. Her parents took her to the train. “So you are off to make your way in the world,” said her mother. The princess nodded nervously.

At university, she kept her frog always hidden in her handbag. No one laughed at her, and they invited her to parties. Soon she met a man who seemed like a prince, or perhaps a knight. He was very tall and strong and smiled in a way that made the princess warm. He told her to come back to his apartment, and she went with him.

Once she was in his apartment, he locked the door and began to kiss her. “Stop, stop,” said the princess, but the man only laughed.

At this, the frog hopped out of the princess's handbag and cleared its throat. “I would listen to the witch, young man, if I were you,” it said. “You don't want to end up like me."

The young man was so frightened at this that he jumped out the window and ran away down the street. The princess and her frog went back to the park.

"You were right!” cried the princess. “Kissing is horrible. You are right to be against kissing."

"No, no,” said the frog. “That man was a hooligan! Between two comrades who are considerate and honest with each other, kissing can be pleasant and healthy. Kissing is not wrong. It is only making kissing so important, more important than work or the needs of the people, which is wrong."

"Oh,” said the princess. “Does this mean you do want me to kiss you, so you can stop being a frog?"

"No, no!” cried the frog. “You are a princess who has read too many fairy tales and I am a frog, so for the two of us to kiss would be precisely the kind of thing I am against...which leads to foolishness.” It looked away from her eyes, studying its webbed feet. “Anyway...it is not important whether I am a frog or not. Perhaps I can serve the needs of the people better as a frog."

The princess was relieved, but somehow also disappointed. She imagined kissing the cool green mouth of the frog, a flash of light, its rubbery lips turning warm and human beneath hers. It did not seem pleasant and healthy. It seemed strange and eerie, and very exciting.

The princess stopped going to parties. She did well at her studies, but she had no friends. She had a small room in the university town, with a narrow bed, and she slept hugging bundles of letters from home.

A young man named Mark always argued with her in class. One day, after class, he followed her home, waving his hands with the intensity of argument, occasionally walking into bushes or mailboxes. “The new system was cold and sterile! It banned love!” he cried, and fell into a cellar stairwell.

Mark did not look like a knight or a prince. He looked more like a stable boy, with thick glasses. The princess invited him up to her apartment for tea.

As the princess poured the tea, Mark said, “And after all, it is obvious that the so-called ‘new system’ failed because it could not compete!"

The frog could stand to hear no more. It leapt out of the princess's handbag and onto the table. “Not compete?” said the frog. “Not compete at what? It competed just fine at feeding the hungry, and healing the sick! It competed just fine at giving everyone a job and a purpose, and keeping the streets safe at night! What did it fail to compete at? Making fast cars and movies about kissing?"

"Who is this?” said Mark.

The princess turned pale. Would Mark laugh at her, and shout, Princess, princess, kiss your frog? Would he jump out the window? “It is my frog,” she whispered.

"Nice to meet you,” said Mark. “But surely you see—the new system told everyone it would make more and better things and make everyone feel richer. So when it failed to do so...."

Every day after class, Mark and the princess and her frog would argue and drink tea. Mark did not agree with the frog's ideas, but he admired it, and he introduced the frog to some other friends who thought the way it did. Soon the frog began to speak at rallies of many people. Usually the princess would take it there, in her handbag, and place it on the lectern before the microphones.

"The new system had flaws,” the frog said. “It tried to be just and fair, and often it failed. Comrades who acted like princes twisted it around for their own power. But what have we replaced it with? We have given up on even trying to be fair. This latest way is worse even than the days of kings and princesses! A king at least had a heart, but a corporation cannot have a heart."

Then many people would cheer. The frog decided to run for Parliament.

One day, when the frog was out at a rally without the princess, Mark turned red and began to cough and stammer. The princess thought he might have some disease, but then she listened more closely to what he was saying. It turned out he was asking her to marry him.

"We should probably try kissing first,” said the princess soberly. Mark, trembling, nodded. They tried it out, and the princess learned that the frog had been right: kissing between honest and considerate comrades was pleasant and healthy. She did not feel as if she were going to die, or as if it were spring instead of November, or as if she had been made for this moment. She did not turn red and shiver and sigh the way that Mark did. But she liked it.

"Please marry me,” Mark said. “If you do, I promise that we will live happily until we die."

The princess did not know what she wanted. Mark was very kind and she loved to talk with him. And kissing was fun. She felt that something was missing, but she knew that was probably romance. And wasn't the frog perhaps right, that romance was just to confuse people, and make them buy more clothes and perfume and movies, and think princes and princesses were more important than other people? And she liked the idea of Mark living happily until he died. So she said, “All right."

When the frog returned home, the princess told it what had happened. The frog began to hop back and forth across the table. “I see,” the frog said. “I see."