From The Dead (22 page)

“Do you ever think about Mom?” he asked.

Eden looked up, furrowed her eyebrows. “Mom?”

“Yeah. Just in general.”

She gazed at the ceiling for a moment, then pressed
her lips together and nodded in peace. “From time to time.”

“What kind of thoughts?”

Eden closed the book and rested her hands on top of
it. “Even though I never knew her, I always knew what she looked
like from pictures,” she said. Eden gazed into the distance. Her
smile grew warmer. Again, that peace of hers resurfaced. “So when I
was a little girl and I’d fall off the monkey bars or skin my
knees, I’d picture Mom wrapping her arms around me so tight and
imagine how safe that would have felt.” Although she didn’t seem to
notice, Eden drew one hand around to her other arm, a half hug.

She continued, “Then, of course, I wished she could
have taken me to those mother-daughter events or explain sex to
me—Dad was hilarious with that one. But even now, sometimes I stop
and imagine what it would be like to go to lunch together, or to
tell her about each little baby I place for adoption.”

Eden paused, and Jesse could see her sink deep in
thought. Yes, she must have spent much of her life pondering what
might have been. A mere three years old at the time of their
mother’s death, Jesse, unlike his sister, enjoyed the benefit of a
recollection—albeit a vague one—of his mother. As he’d clung to her
memory, her face had grown clearer in his mind’s eye. He
sympathized with Eden’s lack of even a hint of remembrance to hold
dear.

“Do
you
think about Mom?” Eden asked.

The house was silent except for the rustle of a fan
in another room.

“Oh, every once in a while.” He pretended to shrug
the notion off as if it didn’t bother him. He scooted forward, his
eyes intense with concentration, and tapped his fingertips
together. “When you read your Bible, do you ever wonder why God
allowed her to die?”

“For a while I did—years back. But I realized I could
never figure out the answer, so I refused to spend my life trying.
And when I was oh, maybe twelve, I started to look at it as Mom’s
love for me—like she sacrificed her life for me. Somehow that
helped me cope with it.” She squinted, perhaps to consider her
words and judge them accurate. “Maybe that’s why I love my job: I
get to give mothers to babies.”

Jesse digested what she said, then pointed out, “So
you understand how Drew felt without a dad all these years.”

“To an extent.” Her smile made a full comeback and
she perked up. “But here’s the good news: You get to change that
for him now. Even if Drew doesn’t know you’re his dad, you get to
participate in his life and give him a gift no one else can give
him: a second chance at a full family.”

His voice almost inaudible, the revelation hit Jesse.
“Like coming back from the dead …”

Eden tilted her head, nodded. “Odd way to put it, but
yeah—in a way.” She inspected Jesse, who had now lost himself in
concentration. Eden set her Bible on the coffee table and scooted
closer. “You’re okay, right?”

Jesse shook himself out of his trance. “Huh? Oh—yeah,
I’m fine.” Rapidly in his mind, he retraced his steps from his Ohio
departure to his suicide attempt, from his near-death rescue to his
reunion with Drew and Caitlyn. Then he looked over at his sister
and remarked, “You don’t believe in coincidences.”

“No, I don’t,” she replied with resolute confidence.
“Life is too big, too filled with purpose for that.”

A month ago, he might have argued with her opinion.
But not anymore. The way he saw it, he now lived on borrowed
time.

CHAPTER 36

Late that Tuesday afternoon, Jesse crisscrossed the
church’s rear lawn in a riding mower. Even with the low humidity of
the upper Midwest, the sun felt hot after an hour. Drops of
perspiration trickled down his cheeks and crawled to his neck.

His last conversation with Eden brought perspective
to his situation. No wonder Caitlyn shielded their son like she
did.

With further reflection, Jesse imagined the rough
times Caitlyn must have endured alone. Then, by contrast, he
thought about his own status during one of those moments: A brief
stint as an extra on
Love and Errors
, a dark romantic
comedy. The day he and Jada moved into their Sherman Oaks
apartment, the upgrade from Hollywood and Vine. And one Christmas
Eve, courtesy of a credit card, he took Jada to an expensive French
bistro in Pasadena, where they ate in a corner by candlelight.

What value he’d placed on things that now meant
nothing, watercolor paintings that had faded with time.

All while Caitlyn and Drew struggled.

And to think, mere weeks ago, Jesse felt screwed
because a film role had fallen through.

* * *

When he walked through the church building’s back
door, the air conditioning prickled his skin like the fresh chill
of spring water. Around the corner, at the end of the corridor, he
poked his head in Mel’s office to say good-bye before he headed
home.

Eyes drilled to a repair-in-progress, Mel beckoned
with an absent wave behind his back. “Hold on a second!”

Already out the office door, Jesse backed up and
poked his head back in as Mel reached inside a desk drawer.

“Technically, you report to me,” Mel said, “so
technically,
I’m supposed to be the one to give this to
you.”

He fluttered a flimsy, letter-sized envelope, which
Jesse took. Confused, Jesse gave it a perfunctory look. Through the
envelope’s window, Jesse’s name appeared above Eden’s street
address.

“What’s this?”

Mel snorted. “Your first paycheck, what else!”

With the recent developments in his life, Jesse had
forgotten all about money.

Tired, Jesse walked out of the building and toward
his car. But halfway there, he stopped. He grinned at the thought
that dawned on him, and then slapped the unsealed envelope against
his palm. Jesse jogged the rest of the way to his car.

If he hurried, he could get to a bank before it
closed.

* * *

Jesse heard a basketball bounce across the street but
didn’t think to look for its source. He had walked all the way up
Caitlyn’s driveway when he heard footsteps approach behind him.
Before he had a chance to turn around, Drew pounced on him from
behind.

“Hey Jesse!” His skinny arms wrapped around Jesse’s
shoulders and met on the other side before Drew hopped off. At
least the kid appeared excited to see him. And it made Jesse’s
whole day worth living. How many of these spontaneous gestures had
he missed as his son grew up?

Drew panted rather heavily, Jesse noticed. Hadn’t
Drew mentioned he doesn’t play basketball much because it made him
tired? And Caitlyn had concerns as well. But then again, Drew’s
current panting was, in all likelihood, a side effect from his
record-time bolt from the opposite side of the street.

“What’s up, buddy!” Jesse patted the kid on the back.
“How many more weeks of school?”

“Two; we’re almost done. That’s my friend Ryan over
there.”

Drew pointed toward the house across the street,
where another kid bounced a basketball and watched with curiosity.
When Jesse waved, the kid responded with a nod and went back to his
free throws.

“Are you here to see my mom?” Drew asked.

“Yep.” Jesse knuckled his son on the arm. “Better get
back to your game over there, bud. Your friend is waiting.”

“Oh, I forgot! Okay, see ya.”

When they parted ways, Jesse knocked on the front
door and Caitlyn let him in. She led him into the kitchen and
offered him a beverage, but he declined. She poured him a glass of
water anyway. Jesse settled at the table, where Caitlyn took a seat
beside him.

“I don’t intend to stay long,” he said. His eyes felt
a bit brighter in anticipation of what would occur. From his back
pocket, he retrieved the envelope that had housed his paycheck. Now
the envelope felt heavier. “I want to give you this.”

Caitlyn took hold of the thick envelope. “What is
it?”

“Open it.”

Jesse had replaced the contents, wrapped them in a
single sheet of paper, and sealed the envelope. When Caitlyn tore
it open and unfolded the sheet, she tried to find her voice as she
stared. In her hand dwelt a stack of unblemished twenty-dollar
bills, seven hundred dollars in total. The bills were so new, a few
still stuck together. Jesse could detect the scent of fresh
ink.

Speechless, she looked up and found sincerity in
Jesse’s eyes. “I don’t understand,” she said.

“It’s my first paycheck,” he replied. “This is
something I could have done all along, if I had known about Drew. I
should have been there for you.”

In obvious bewilderment, Caitlyn shook her head, her
mouth in the shape of an O. Her eyes still fluttered at the sight
of the cash. She tried to meet his eyes again but retreated; she
appeared on the verge of weeping.

Jesse sensed her loss for words. Though he didn’t
want to cause her any discomfort, he reached over and clasped his
hands over hers. “Look, I know this doesn’t begin to make up for
all the years I
didn’t
do this. But I hope this is a step in
the right direction.” Caitlyn continued to stare at the envelope
and run her finger along its edges. So Jesse continued to speak.
“From now on, you’ll get a portion of each check. If I hadn’t
racked up a good deal of debt in L.A., I’d give you the whole
amount each time.” He watched her lip quiver. “But I promise: You
won’t need to do this alone anymore.”

She sniffled once. At last she looked back at Jesse.
“I don’t know what to say.”

“Don’t say anything.” He peered deep into her eyes.
“If you can say this is a step forward, that’s all I need to
know.”

Caitlyn bit her lip. “Yes.” As a full smile emerged,
she added, “This is a good thing.”

From her expression, Jesse discerned she’d needed
this provision more than he’d realized.

After one more mesmerized glance at the envelope, she
scooted out of the chair and walked over to her purse, where she
placed the money inside. Grateful she understood the gesture and
the heart intention behind it, Jesse folded his hands in his lap,
content.

Caitlyn didn’t sit down just yet, as if her knees
felt weak or her heart trembled. She wandered over to the
refrigerator to retrieve something, or perhaps to stall for
time.

When Caitlyn grabbed the refrigerator handle, she
uttered a response somewhere between a chuckle and a sob. “Oh,
Drew.” She rubbed at one spot, touched her fingertips together.
“It’s sticky—probably juice.” Then, in mock disgust, she turned to
Jesse and shook her head. “Boys.”

Darting up from the table, Jesse wetted a dishrag and
handed it to her.

“Thank you.” She wiped the spot and handed the rag
back to Jesse. “He’s a sweet guy, though.”

“Just like his dad, huh?” Jesse quipped.

“Don’t push your luck.”

He could see she enjoyed the humor.

Jesse’s mind returned to the paycheck—and to
something that hadn’t occurred to him before. “Can I ask you a
question?”

“You mean, why didn’t I make Drew clean this? I
should have.”

“No, it’s—why did you raise Drew alone? I mean, you
could have broken your promise and told Eden you’d had a baby. She
could have given you my number.”

He followed her into the living room, where they sat
together on the sofa. Through the window, they watched Drew and his
friend take free-throw shots across the street.

“Even after Drew was born, I had a choice,” Caitlyn
said. “I could have given him up for adoption. But deep down, a
part of me wanted to keep him. I backtracked; that was my decision,
not yours.” She ran her hand through her hair, then rested her
cheek against her palm. “I didn’t search for you because—well, I
didn’t want to force anything on you that you didn’t want to be a
part of. But I’ll admit, I questioned whether I had done the right
thing by not telling you.” She massaged her wrist as small creases
of contemplation formed along her brow. “Meanwhile, life rolls on.
Before you know it, you’re going on thirty years old and you’re
just used to it. So you stop questioning; you just … live.”

She fascinated him. Between the two of them, Jesse
knew she was the stronger individual.

He fidgeted with the band of his wristwatch. Though
difficult to hear, how fresh her honesty poured forth.

“Don’t worry about the past,” she said. “We’re alive
and well. And if you decide to up and leave tomorrow, we’ll still
get along just as well.” Caitlyn halted her speech, her smile
apologetic. “I didn’t mean that the way it sounded.”

“Do I make you nervous?”

“A little.” She tugged at her lower lip. “Look, you
may have changed, and I believe you can.”

“But you’re not betting your life on it.”

She leaned in. “Can you blame me?”

Jesse laid his hand on hers. He looked straight into
her eyes. “I’ll prove it to you.”

She shrugged. “It’ll take time.”

Jesse nodded. “How much?”

“Please stop.” She sighed, then clasped Jesse’s hands
together. “You were gone eleven years. It’ll take a while to
rebuild what you left behind—or build it to begin with. I mean,
Drew, me, parenthood—this isn’t a Hollywood job you come to, work
for a few days, and then move on to another project and the rest of
your life. This is a commitment—a long-term commitment.”

“I can do that.”

“I know you can.” Compassion kindled in her eyes.
“Now you need to follow through … over time.”

CHAPTER 37

The whir of the vacuum echoed in the empty church
lobby as Jesse swept the floors the next morning. When Chuck walked
up the hall and poked his head down each corridor along the way,
Jesse shut down the vacuum.