From Here to Eternity (11 page)

own desire. He woke once in the middle of the night. The storm was gone and the moon shone in brightly through the open window. Violet lay with her back to him, head pillowed on bent elbow. From the stiffness of her body he knew she was not sleeping, and he put his hand on her naked hip and turned her toward him. In the deep curve of her hip and the indented juncture of ball and socket underneath there was an infinite workmanship of jewel-like precision that awed him, and called up in him an understanding that was like a purge and awakened liquid golden flecks within his eyes. She rolled willingly, unsleepily, and he wondered what she had been thinking of, lying there awake. As he moved over her, he realized again that he did not know her face or name, that here in this act that brings two human fantasies as close as they can ever come, so close that one moves inside the other, he still did not know her, nor she him, nor could they touch each other. To a man who lives his life among the flat hairy angularities of other men, all women are round and soft, and all are inscrutable and strange. The - thought passed quickly. He awoke in the morning on his back, uncovered. The door was still open, and Violet and her mother were moving around in the kitchen. He smothered an impulse to grab up the covers over his nakedness and rose and donned his trunks, feeling deeply shamed, embarrassed by his own pendulous existence which all women hated. The old woman took no notice of him when he entered the kitchen. After the morning cleaning was done and the old people had padded silently away to visit neighbors, Prew thought the whole thing over and finally, characteristically, just came out with it. "I want you to move to Wahiawa and shack up with me," he said bluntly. Violet sat in her chair on the porch, half-turned toward him, her elbow on the arm, cheek resting on a half closed fist. "Why, Bobbie?" She continued to stare at him curiously, the same curiosity with which she always watched him, as if seeing for the first time the subtle mechanism from which she got her pleasure, and that she had always thought was simple. "You know I cant do that. Why make a showdown of it?" "Because I wont be able to come up here any more," he said, "like I used to. Before I transferred. If we lived in Wahiawa, I'd come home every night." "What is wrong with living this way?" she asked him, in the same odd tone. "I dont mind if you only come up on weekends. You dont have to come every night like you used to do, before you transferred." "Weekends aint enough," he said. "At least not for me." "If you break off with me," Violet said, "you wont get it even that often, will you? You wont find any woman who will shack up with a private who makes twenty-one dollars." "I dont like being around your folks," Prew said, "they bother me; they dont like me. If we're goin to be shacked up, we might as well be shacked up. Instead of this half way stuff. Thats the way it is." He said it flatly, like a man enumerating the faults and values of a new spring coat. "I'd have to quit my job. I'd have to get another job in Wahiawa. That might be.hard, unless I took a job as waitress in a bar, and I cant do that. "I quit my job in Kahuku," she said indifferently, "and left a nice home where I was one of the family - to come back here to this rotten place - against my parents' wishes that I not leave my higher position. I did it so I could be near enough for you to come up every night. I did it because you asked me to." "I know you did," he said, "I know you did. But I didnt know it would be like this." "What did you expect?" she said. "You dont make enough to pay for shacking up, Bobbie." "I did. I've got almost a full month's pay as a First-Fourth coming," he said carefully. "It'll be enough to get us set up for a month, until you get a job and I get some more dough. With your job and my twenty-one bucks we can live better than you're livin here. And you dont like it here. Theres no reason for you not to go." He stopped talking, long enough to get his breath, surprised at how fast he had been talking. "You didnt believe me, did you?" Violet said, "when I said I couldnt go, when I said why make a showdown. You cant force me, Bobbie. Momma and Poppa would not like it, they wouldnt let me go." "Why wouldnt they like it?" he said, trying to keep his voice from going faster. "Because I'm a soljer. Do you care whether I'm a soljer or not? If you do, why the hell did you go with me in the first place? why did you let me come here? They cant keep you by not wanting you to go. How can they keep you?" "They would be disgraced," Violet said. "Oh, balls!" Prew said, letting loose the rein. "If I was a gook beachboy instead of a soljer it'd be all right though." This was what he knew it would come down to. They'd live like cattle, worse than Harlan miners, but they'd be disgraced if their daughter shacked up with a soldier. They'd let the Big Five shove a cane stalk up their keister, but that was not disgraceful. That wasnt soldiers. The poor, he thought, they are always their own worst enemy. "Its not as if we were married," she said softly. "Married!" Prew was dumbfounded. The picture of Dhom, the G Company duty sergeant, bald and massive and harassed, crossed his eyes, trailed by his fat sloppy Filipino wife and seven half-caste brats; no wonder Dhom was a bully, condemned to spend his life in foreign service like an exile because he had a Filipino wife. Violet smiled at his consternation. "You see? You dont want to marry me. Look at my side. Some day you will go back to the Mainland. Will you take me with you? You want me to leave my people, and then be left without them or you either? And maybe with a baby?" "Would your folks like it if you married me?" "No, but they would like it better than the other. Or this." "You mean they'd still be disgraced," Prew said wryly. "Would you go if I married you?" "Of course. It would be different then. When you went to the Mainland I would go with you. I would be your wife." My wife, he thought. Well, why dont you do it? There was a rising desire in him to do it. Wait a minute, kid. Thats the way they all feel, all the men who finally get married. Like Dhom felt. On one side they see their freedom, and on the other they see a piece of ass right there where they can always get it, without all the bushwhacking buildup, always there handy to be reached, without the months of preparation, or the sluts that are the other alternative. What do you want? "If I married you and took you with me," he said cautiously, "there would be no difference. We would both be outcasts. Nobody in the States would associate with us. Anyway, just because I was married to you wouldnt mean I'd have to take you with me. Being married means nothing, to most people it means less than nothing. I know." Like Dhom, he thought, who married for his piece of ass and after he was hooked she suddenly didnt want to give it to him any more. "But you still dont want to marry me," Violet said. "You goddam right I dont," he said, his voice rising under the sting and guilt of the truth of what she said. "If I was gonna spend my life in Wahoo it would be different. I'll be movin all over, goin all the time. I'm a thirty year man. And I aint no officer to have the govmint pay for transportin my lovin wife all over the goddam world. As a private, I wouldnt even get subsistence for you. A guy like me aint got no business bein married. I'm a soljer." "Well, you see?" she said. "Why not go on like we are?" "Because," he said. "Because once a week just aint enough. "Theres a war comin in this country. I want to be in on it. I dont want to be held down by nothin that will keep me out of it. Because I am a soljer." Violet had lain back in her chair and rested her head against the back, her hands dangling, dangling over the ends of the arms of it. She kept on looking at him, curiously, across the chair back. "Well," she said. "You see?" Prew stood up and stepped toward her. "Why in hell would I marry you?" he shot down at her. "Have a raft of snot-nosed nigger brats? Be a goddam squawman and work in the goddam pineapple fields the rest of my life? or drive a Schofield taxi? Why the hell do you think I got in the Army? Because I didnt want to sweat my heart and pride out in a goddam coalmine all my life and have a raft of snot-nosed brats who look like niggers in the coaldirt, like my father, and his father, and all the rest of them. What the hell do you dames want? to take the heart out of a man and tie it up in barbed wire and give it to your mother for Mother's Day? What the hell do you. .." There was no hood of ice over his eyes now, like there was when he had been facing Warden, like there was when he had been trying to talk her into it, they were blazing now, with the fire of a strip mine that smoulders and smoulders and finally breaks out in the open for a little while. He took a deep shuddering breath and got hold of himself. The girl could almost see the white icecap of anger rolling down across his eyes, like the glaciers of the ice age rolled across the earth. She lay back in her chair letting it sweep over her, helpless as convicts being washed down with the firehose, letting the force hit her, yielding instead of fighting it, with a patience born of centuries of stooped backs and dried apple faces. "I'm sorry, Violet," Prew said, from behind the ice. "Its all right," the girl said. "I didnt mean to hurt you." "Its all right," she said. "Its up to you," he said. "This transfer changes my whole routine of living. It works with a different rhythm, like a new song. They aint at all alike, the old song and the new. "This is the last time I'm comin up. You can either move or not, its okay. When a man changes his life, he has to change it all. He cant keep nothin that reminds him of the old life, or it doesnt work. If I kept comin up here, I'd get dissatisfied with this transfer and I'd try to change it. I dont aim to do that, or let anybody know I want to do it. "So its up to you," he said. "I cant go, Bobbie," the girl said, not moving, no change in her voice, still from the chair as she had been before. "Okay," he said. "Then I'll be leavin. I've seen lots of guys shacked up in Wahiawa. They have a good time. Them and their wahines have parties together and go out together, movies and bars. All like that. The girls aint alone. Not any more," he said, "than any human being is always alone." "What happens to them when the soldiers leave?" she said. Her eyes were looking off at the hilltop trees. "I dont know. And I dont give a good goddam. They probly git other soljers. I'll be leavin." When he came back out he carried the sneaks and the whiskey, the nearly full one and the nearly empty one, rolled up in the trunks, all the things he had owned here, all that he was taking with him. The little that they were, they had been deposited here as security for a pass of entrance, collateral for the loan of a life that existed off the Post, and in taking them away he had revoked his claim. Violet was still sitting in the same unchanged position, and he made himself grin at her, drawing his lips back tautly across his teeth. But the girl did not see it, or notice him. He walked down the steps and around the corner of the house. Her voice followed him around the corner. "Goodby, Bobbie." Prew grinned again. "Aloha nui oe," he called back, playing the role out to the end, with a strong sense of the dramatic. As he crested the little hill he did not look back, but he could feel through the back of his neck that she was standing in the door, leaning against the jamb, one hand propped against the other side as if barring the door to a salesman. He walked on toward the intersection, never looking back, seeing in his mind the fine tragic picture his figure disappearing down the hill must make, as if it were himself standing back there in the door. And the strange thing was he had never loved her more than at this moment, because at that moment she had become himself. But thats not love, he thought, thats not what she wants, nor what any of them want, they do not want you to find yourself in them, they want instead that you should lose yourself in them. And yet, he thought, they are always trying to find themselves in you. What a wonderful actor you would have made, Prewitt, he told himself. It was only when he was below the hill that he could end the role and stop, turning to look back, allowing himself to feel the loss. And it seemed to him then that every human was always looking for himself, in bars, in railway trains, in offices, in mirrors, in love, especially in love, for the self of him that is there, someplace, in every other human. Love was not to give oneself, but find oneself, describe oneself. And that the whole conception had been written wrong. Because the only part of any man that he can ever touch or understand is that part of himself he recognizes in him. And that he is always looking for the way in which he can escape his sealed bee cell and reach the other airtight cells with which he is connected in the waxy comb. And the only way that he had ever found, the only code, the only language, by which he could speak and be heard by other men, could communicate himself, was with a bugle. If you had a bugle here, he told himself, you could speak to her and be understood, you could play Fatigue Call for her, with its tiredness, its heavy belly going out to sweep somebody else's streets when it would rather stay at home and sleep, she would understand it then. But you havent got a bugle, himself said, not here nor any other place. Your tongue has been ripped out. All you got is two bottles, one nearly full, one nearly empty. And that we cant take through the gate, friend, he told himself, because the MPs will dnnk it up themself, and that we cant cache along the fence because there are guys who get their whiskey that way, look for it every night. Shall we drink it, friend? I think we'd better. We are much closer, sometimes we can almost see each other, when we're drunk. Lets go to the tree. The tree, below the hill, halfway to the intersection, was a gnarled old kiawe tree filling up its little field, where on his trips up here he had gone before to sit, and where the brown bottles of his past trips lay in the grass. He walked to it through the kneehigh matted grass, having to lift his legs high until he got under it where there was the flattened smooth place that he always sat with his back against the roughness of the bark and no one could see him from the road because there are times every man must be alone and in the squadroom there is no aloneness, only loneliness. The ancient thorny-fingered guardian that all day protected its little patch of virgin grass from the philandering sun's greedy demanding of that last maidenhead in the field, spread its warped washerwoman's arms above him