Four Shades of Recovery: Boxed Set (3 page)

“Let’s start with a simple question, Megan. Where have you been for the past year?”

She dazzles me with a seductive smile then begins. “For three months, I couch surfed in Europe. Mostly in Western Europe. I returned to the U.S. as winter began and spent some time with my mom in Miami.”

“You stayed with strangers in strange lands?” I’m nearly aghast as I contemplate her reckless choices.

“The couch surfing turned out to be pretty reliable. The sites are well vetted and reviewed on the internet. On occasion I’d meet people at pubs and bars and they’d invite me to their homes for a few days.”

“Really? And how many of those people did you sleep with in exchange for a warm place to stay?” I’m stunned at myself for asking the question that’s been burning in my mind all day . I can’t help it. I’m a possessive fool when it comes to Megan. Dr. Stone wouldn’t be pleased with my performance at the moment.

Megan stares at me with a disgusted expression on her face for a moment before responding. “Don’t be like that, Matt. I’m certainly not a prostitute. You’re far too jealous.”

I shake my head to clear it before I continue. “Sorry, Megan. Where did you travel in Europe?”

“Oh, Matt, traveling freely around felt so exciting. I visited Britain, France, Germany, Spain, the Greek Islands, and Hungary,” she shares. Megan’s bubbling with excitement as she begins her tale. I’m more than envious that she didn’t invite me along.

“Why did you return after three months, then?” I persist in keeping to the theme of our meeting.

“I missed home and my mother. I wanted something familiar,” she admits and looks down at her hands.

“Why did you decide to visit your mother? She’s never been a source of comfort for you.”

I’m already treading into dangerous waters with Megan but I’m upset that she chose her mother over me.

“I needed to know more about my feelings concerning Abby. You know how conflicted our mother-daughter relationship was in the past,” Megan admits and looks at me with sincerity.

“Alright. What did you discover about you and your mother?” I can barely spit the words out. I’m a possessive fool.

“We’re quite different but I have a better understanding of her needs now. I can accept her for who and what she is, at this point. She’s not perfect and neither am I. We’ll never be perfect, but she cares about me,” Megan admits for the first time.

In the past, Megan remained bitter and angry about Abby. Her revelation surprises but also encourages me. She’s letting me into her heart and head.

“Did you miss me?” I’m already pressing my case and it embarrasses me.

“Of course, Matt. That’s why I’ve returned to Portland. I realize how much you mean to me.”

Her face appears earnest and caring. She holds her arms out to me. That’s all the encouragement I need. Without another thought, I’m off the couch and pulling Megan into my arms. I’m such a wus!

Megan’s POV

I hold Matt in my arms and I can feel him trembling. He’s trying so hard to resist me and I understand why. He’s so sexy and gorgeous but he’s hurting from when and how I left him last year. I feel protected and happy in his arms. Making love with him rates as one of the highlights in my life thus far. Some would call it a self-actualizing experience. I call it the best fuck ever. What an amazing lover.

I know Matt loves me, body and soul. I want to feel the same way about him. For some reason, probably dating back to my childhood, I can’t surrender to that emotion. At least, not yet. Possibly, not ever. Matt’s arms pull me into a snug embrace and his soft lips kiss my head and face. He looks down at me with nothing but desire and love in his gentle hazel eyes. I could gaze into those eyes for a long time, and I do.

“What do you want from me, Megan?” His voice is hoarse with emotion as he asks a question that he suspects has a painful response. He’s so brave.

“I want to spend time with you, Matt. That means I want to give our relationship another chance. What do you want?” I look directly into his chiseled jaw and pet it as I speak.

The expression on his face tells me that he’s soothed by my words and actions. “My feelings for you haven’t changed Megan. You know that I’m completely crazy about you, of course. I haven’t been with anyone since you left.”

He makes his declaration sound like a defeat. I suspect he’s laid his cards out on the table today as a challenge to me. The last time he declared his love for me I bolted in fear. He’s testing me. I have no intention of bolting now though.

My body sags with relief. I can’t afford to lose Matt’s love. I need it to prop up my own self-esteem and to rebuild our bond.

“Matt I’m thrilled to know that you still care for me. I feared that you’d given up or that you’d gone back to your old BDSM lifestyle. Grateful doesn’t begin to cover how happy I feel right now,” I utter and look into his face with trust and affection.

“Megan how do you feel about me? I need to know or this relationship stops here,” Matt asks then pulls back from our embrace and crosses his arms. We’re now standing face to face with some distance between us. His face looks grave. He’s trying to brace himself and control the situation. I know what I say next determines our future. Therefore, I choose my words carefully.

“Matt, can you give our relationship another chance? I want you and us to work but I need some time. My feelings for you are strong and I care for you so very much,” I say then reach out and touch his crossed arms.

“Are you telling me that you don’t love me, Megan?” He pulls back from my touch and spits the question out with mounting distress. His eyes grow large and his forehead constricts as he stares at me with a forlorn look on his face.

“I feel drawn to you on so many levels, baby. You make me feel safe, happy, sexually satisfied, and cherished. Whatever I feel for you is the closest to love that I’ve ever had…for anyone,” I admit while looking into his eyes with what I hope is an earnest expression.

“I’m not sure that’s good enough for me. I need a full commitment from you, Megan.” He’s throwing down the gauntlet now. I don’t blame him for making these demands of me. If the situation were reversed, I’d do the same thing.

I take a deep breath before speaking. “I’m asking you to give me time. I think I truly can love and commit to you in a way that you need, eventually. That’s what I want.” I smile at him tentatively.

He sighs a bit and appears somewhat mollified. “I guess I don’t have much choice about how you feel. But, if there’s hope for us then…how much time do you need?” He’s really trying to meet me halfway.

I bite my bottom lip as he stares at me with desire. “That’s hard to say but at least six months and quite possibly one year. I’ve been in therapy for several months now to address my issues with trust and low self-esteem. My therapist, Dr. Ginger, thinks I’m doing well and I feel so much better. She’s amazing with a technique called dialectical behavioral therapy. It’s why I’ve returned to you,” I announce with pride and touch his arm.

“I’m thrilled to hear about your therapy, Megan. You have no idea how much Dr. Stone helped me to cope with your loss. My own issues with loss and abuse came raging back when you walked out on me. I was an emotional cripple. If it weren’t for Stone, I’d be living in a box on the street. When you left me Megan, and wouldn’t return my calls, I broke down. I drank, hardly ate, and nearly wasted away while pining over you.”

“I’m so sorry, Matt. I never wanted to hurt you. Leaving was all about my fears of commitment and trust. Believe me I’m here to help heal you and us, I think. Dr. Ginger believes that I’m capable of real love. I know that you’re the one who calls to me. I just hope it’s enough for you.”

Matt’s crooked smile appears for the first time today. His face conveys dismay as well as hope. He doesn’t push back from me. We look at each other for several long moments.

“Then you’ll consider taking me back?” I’m nearly pleading now with my eyes. Once again, I reach out and this time I rest my hands on his chest. He doesn’t pull away from our contact. That’s a good sign since it’s one of his most vulnerable areas.

“These are my conditions,” he begins with a stern look on his face, “and you have to agree to all of them.”

I stare at Matt for a moment and then nod my head to indicate that he should continue. I’m not sure that I can agree to any of his demands. However, I’m willing to try now.

“First, we can’t engage in any sexual activity until you’re ready to commit to me, with love. I expect you’ll feel confident about your love for me; not conflicted about committing to me when we make love again. Agreed?”

I’m stunned that Matt’s made such a rule. Sex has always been such a crucial part of our relationship. We’re both going to be deprived of a major source of comfort. I wonder if he can even handle that condition.

“Does that mean we can’t even sleep in the same bed together?” I ask and nearly moan in pain at the thought.

He considers my question for a few minutes before replying. “I don’t think I could control myself if you were sleeping next to me. You know how much I enjoy making love with you, Megan. For now, there should be no bed sharing between us. I can’t really enjoy sex without being in love.” His mouth looks stern as he establishes his ground rules.

“But Matt, I don’t sleep well when you’re not holding me in your arms. It’s the safest, most wonderful feeling in the world. Please.”

I know how difficult, if not impossible, it is for Matt to deny my requests when they’re accompanied by that magic word. Then I bat my big blue eyes at him with an innocent expression in them.

“Oh hell, Megan. I also sleep so well when I’m wrapped around your warm little body,” he concedes with a frown. “OK we can share a bed, sometimes, as long as you don’t attempt to seduce me. Is that clear? I’m really serious about this rule. Sex with you feels like a drug and once I’ve taken that drug, there’s no turning back.”

I nod my head and leap up with pleasure to kiss his cheek. “Don’t worry, that wasn’t a sexual kiss. That was simply a thank you kiss.”

He smirks and then holds up an index finger. “You haven’t heard my other conditions.”

“Alright, I can agree to a cessation of our sexual activity. The only problem with your rule Matt is that I fall more deeply in love with you when we hook up. However I think we should try it your way for now. What are your other conditions, Mr. Frazier?” I cross my arms and pout to indicate my frustration with the demand.

“Next, you must continue your psychotherapy and discuss your feelings with me. Perhaps we should also check in with Dr. Stone on occasion. This would be akin to couple’s therapy.” His expression reflects pure determination.

“I have every intention of continuing with therapy. It’s helped me sort out my conflicting needs and put some of my crazies to rest,” I agree with ease. Then I look at Matt to hear the rest of his demands. This one’s a no brainer for me.

“My third condition is that you’ll tell me everything that happened during our year apart. I want no secrets. If we’re to move our relationship ahead, I need to know what you’ve done and where you’ve been.” He looks at me with some trepidation.

“Everything?” I blanch and swallow, hard. I know he’ll react badly to many of my adventures. However I did keep a personal blog about my adventures and encounters so I could share that with him. He notices my facial expression and frowns. I don’t want him reading the blog alone, however.

Now he grabs me by my shoulders and shakes me a bit. “Is it that bad? How many men did you meet?” That bit of info seems to have touched something rather explosive inside of Matt.

“You’ll be quite upset about some of the experiences I’ve had this past year Matt. However, I’ll tell you about them. All of them. That is, when both of us are truly ready to confront them,” I promise. He releases me without incident. “I’ll tell you the good and the bad as I see it,” I add.

At that point, I note that he’s tensing and about to go thermonuclear on me.

“Who did you fuck, Megan?” He’s huffing and pacing around his living room with a tight jaw and both hands fisted at the sides of his body.

I inhale a bit before making a suggestion. “Matt, why don’t we discuss these issues with Dr. Stone? I think we can both use his guidance here.” I’m trembling from head to toe. I know that I need to divert his attention from the competitive pissing contest that he’s about to undertake with what he imagines is his rival. He’s glaring at me with suspicion at the moment.

I use my most assertive tone of voice before I speak again.

“How ‘bout if I start at the beginning of my adventure, like last summer? If you’d like to hear all about it I need to give you some context. That’s my condition, Matt.”

I stand with crossed arms and my head held high. I look him straight in the eyes with a confident expression on my face.

He shakes his head no. “I want to know the worst of it, Megan. How many? How much? How long?”

“That’s just masochistic Matt. Look the bottom line is that I’m here with you. I want you. I need you. You’ve agreed to take me back if I meet your conditions. In order to meet those conditions, I can’t guarantee that you’ll be thrilled with everything I chose to do. However, I needed to explore the options without you. I faced my issues about commitment, OK? Don’t forget you had all kinds of strange sexual hookups, before you met me.” I look at him with conviction and place my hand on my left hip.

He’s breathing heavily but looks more rational now. He finally nods in agreement. “As long as you didn’t have any BDSM relationships while away,” he jokes. I shake my head with relief and laugh. I’m so proud of the fact that I just redirected his negative emotions in a healthy way. 

“Alright can I start my story now?” I ask with humor in my voice as I sit on his couch. He sits across from me and crosses his legs.

“Let’s hear it from the beginning, Megan,” he concedes while staring at my face wistfully.

“When I first left, I flew to Britain. I’d read about a London city tour and couch option for three nights. The reviews from other users were really quite positive. The young woman whose home I visited was friendly, knowledgeable and helpful. I was so impressed with Westminster Abbey and its intricate stone carvings as well as its history.”