Forth into Light (The Peter & Charlie Trilogy) (30 page)

“You know who I said,” he murmured without moving his lips. “The Jew. Go in the morning.”

Jeff looked at him and nodded. He forced himself to turn and slouched toward the door, his head down. The policemen greeted him as if he had materialized from nowhere. He mumbled a reply, but was unable to look at them. Once on the stairs, he hurtled down them and rushed out into the night. He broke into a trot as he headed for the new hotel. Mike couldn’t turn him away now. He had an excuse for seeking aid and advice.

A somnolent clerk gave him the room number. He leaped upstairs. The door opened in response to his light knock. Mike stood in it, wearing a short, belted thigh-length linen gown or jacket. He looked briefly astonished and then a number of transformations took place behind the veil of his eyes which Jeff couldn’t interpret, but which he counted to his advantage. Neither boredom nor dismissal had been part of them. He longed to be taken in his arms or at least touched in some way, but Mike only opened the door wider and stood aside to let him in.

“So soon,” he said, closing the door behind him. “I rather expected you, but not till morning. You looked very agreeably occupied.”

“You know that didn’t mean anything, but it doesn’t matter. I have to speak to you.” Jeff saw that the bed hadn’t been touched yet. He went to it and dropped down on it and looked up at Mike. Away from the atmosphere of indiscriminate sex in Dimitri’s room, he found it hard to believe that this man had made love to him. The short robe was very becoming. He looked handsome and expensive and far too worldly for an eighteen-year-old boy. “Dimitri’s been arrested.”

“What an extraordinary place this is. How do you mean?”

“Just now. The police walked in when we were——They locked up his place and took him away. It’s about dope.”

“I see. There were a couple of policemen standing outside when I left. Do you use dope?”

“No.”

“Are you in trouble too?”

“No.” He dropped back across the bed and propped himself on his elbows and spread his legs in front of him and looked up at Mike with his chin lifted, willing him to come sit beside him. The brutal interruption with Dimitri had left all his nerves on edge. Mike stayed where he was standing as if he expected this to be a short visit. “Are you really leaving tomorrow?” Jeff asked. “Well, I mean—I guess I mean today.”

“Yes. I understand there’s an afternoon boat.”

Jeff heaved a long complicated sigh that caught several times in his chest before it was done. He was suddenly confronting the biggest moment of his life. Just keep it businesslike he warned himself. “Can I go with you? I mean it. No—wait a minute. I’m going to the States in the fall anyway. All you have to do is pay for my trip and let me stay with you until school starts. I’ll have my own money then. We could be lovers. Nobody would think it peculiar for you to have George Leighton’s son with you.”

“Except possibly George Leighton.” Mike turned away with a nice show of nonchalance, caught sight of a litter of papers he had left on a table and went to them, finding them a reasonable excuse for withdrawing slightly while he digested Jeff’s proposal. He sorted them—plane tickets, letters, hotel bills—while he rapidly sorted his thoughts. He had known when he left Dimitri’s loft that this time, once had not been enough. Jeff had an uncanny way of getting through to him. It wasn’t love; a reasonable man past forty couldn’t fall in love with a teen-aged boy. It had nothing to do with George any more. Jeff had become a menace in his own right.

He had told himself that a good sleep would clear his mind of the boy and restore him to the sanity of his self-sufficiency but now he was here, his great eyes blazing with innocence and something unsettlingly like love, proclaiming by his very presence that he had something to offer him. Silly kid. Did he suppose that love was happiness, that life could be conquered by giving in to sentiment or the impulses of the heart?

He could send him away this minute but it might be more satisfying to hold onto him another day or two, demonstrate to himself once more the fallibility of the big emotions, leave him robbed of innocence and with at least an intimation of reality. To guide and assist his making a silly little fool of himself would be insurance against being haunted by unresolved desires.

He stacked the papers neatly and turned back to the boy on the bed. “I wonder. Does your father know you’re a fag?”

Jeff kept himself from wincing. He could probably get as good as Mike at disguising his feelings. “Not yet, I don’t think. He probably suspects something about Dimitri. Does he know about you?”

“What about me?”

Jeff kicked off his sandals and lifted his feet and scooted himself back on the bed with his elbows until he was resting against the headboard. He put his hands flat on his thighs, framing his crotch. “Does he know you like boys?”

“I’ve never been averse to a romp with a pretty boy when the occasion arises. That’s about all it amounts to.”

Jeff admired his aplomb. He had said it without too much emphasis or any trace of annoyance. “I don’t believe you,” Jeff said. He slowly unbuttoned his shirt keeping his eyes on Mike’s. When he bared his chest he unfastened his trousers and worked his shorts down on his hips and lifted out his sex. His boldness had aroused it and a few strokes of his hand completed the process. He continued to caress it as he spoke, holding it upright away from his belly, the way Dimitri had done. “I saw the way you looked at me right from the start. At lunch. You’re very good at hiding it but I saw. I saw and felt things tonight too. I don’t know if you’re in love with me, but I know I mean more to you than a romp with a pretty boy. I’m not even pretty. It’s something you can’t help. I’m in love with you. At least, I guess that’s what it is. I’ve obviously never felt anything like it before. I doubt if I’ll want sex with anybody else as long as you want me, if that means anything. I’ll bet you’re getting an erection. Why do you keep that thing on? Don’t you want me to see?”

A light leaped up in Mike’s eyes that was exciting and dangerous. “Getting a hard on and being in love is hardly the same thing, you silly faggot.” Mike opened his robe and shrugged it off. Jeff saw what he had expected to see. Mike’s sex was rigidly immobile as he approached the bed. “I told you you’re a good lay. I imagine you’re an expert cock-sucker, too. How about it?”

Jeff sat up and pushed himself to the edge of the bed, triumphant at this further victory in his struggle and eager to display his gift, although Dimitri had been no preparation for this. He reached for Mike’s hips and ducked his head to take it. It swelled as his mouth played with it until it made his jaws ache. Mike seized his hair with both hands and held his head as he thrust it deep into his mouth. Jeff gagged and choked. He wrenched his head back and forth and tore himself free, finding a new strength in the conflict. Mike’s mask was slipping. There was violence in his hands.

“You don’t have to force me,” he gasped. “I want it.”

“You’ll do it my way or not at all.” Mike gripped his hair again and held his head steady. “Open your mouth.” Mike directed his sex into it. “Wider. That’s better.” He forced his sex in as far as it would go and held it there. He began to agitate it slightly so that it tickled the back of Jeff’s throat and made him retch. “I’m not Dimitri. Is it too big for you?” He pulled Jeff’s head back and forth on it, forcing his mouth open as wide as it would go. “Look at me,” he demanded. Jeff rolled his eyes up, and Mike saw a masochistic submission in them that demanded a sadistic response. To keep him off balance, Mike released his hair and stroked his taut cheeks gently. “Go ahead. Let’s see how quickly you can make me come. I’ve never known a kid who was so nuts about cock.”

Freed, Jeff applied himself with dedication, thrilling at the thrills he felt stirring in Mike’s body. They began to communicate once more in grunts and cries. After a few moments, he felt Mike’s body vibrating with an impending orgasm and his heart began to pound in anticipation of this final initiation. He moaned with longing to swallow Mike’s substance. He heard a cry above him and the sex in his mouth leaped so vigorously that it almost escaped him and he gagged as his mouth was flooded with a thick fluid, odd but not disagreeable to the taste. He swallowed it joyfully. It left a strong musky aftertaste. Now he knew. His mouth clung to the sex, drawing all of it into him until he was pulled roughly from the edge of the bed and flung to his knees on the floor.

“There. Go ahead. Jerk yourself off,” Mike ordered thickly. “That’s what you’ve been wanting to do.”

Jeff fell back against the side of the bed. Through lowered lids, he watched Mike put his robe on again. He held his rigid sex, even more frustrated than he had been by the arrival of the police. Mike wanted him, but he still wouldn’t let himself indulge a shared desire. Jeff’s hand moved to obey Mike’s order but he was immediately aware of the defeat implicit in the act and stopped. “You’re in love with me. You wouldn’t try to hate me if you weren’t,” he said boldly, coldly, logically. He was learning. He arranged his tangled clothes and pulled himself to his feet. “You
are
going to take me with you, aren’t you? To the States, I mean.”

“What will your father think of the idea?”

“That’s just it. He wouldn’t care. He’s having problems of his own.”

“So I gather. Well, if it’s just the trip you want, I might give you that. I came prepared to bail out the Leighton family.”

“I want a lot more than that. I want to live with you and be your lover. When I go to college, there’ll be the holidays. It’ll be interesting for you to see how I develop. I’m intelligent. We’re right for each other physically. I think we’ll like being together.”

“You sound as if you were proposing marriage.”

“I am.”

Mike laughed, trying to make it sound dismissive, not quite succeeding. “I’ve been married to some of the brightest, most attractive women in the world. Why do you think I’d want you?”

“You want to be loved by a boy.”

“I’ve had that.”

“They weren’t clever enough for you.” They stood facing each other across the room, motionless, their eyes watchful. Jeff moved closer and stopped again. “Can I spend the night with you?”

“I don’t like sleeping with anybody.”

“That’s not an answer. I don’t mind sleeping on the floor.”

“You’re a demon for punishment, aren’t you?”

“That may be. There’s a lot I don’t know about myself yet. You’ll teach me. Won’t you admit that you’d like me to stay?”

“I admit there’s a fascinating element in the situation. You seem to think that when two people look at each other, they promptly fall in love. If I was ever in love with anybody it was with your father, if you want the truth. A very disagreeable experience which I’ve taken pains not to repeat. It’s quite pleasant in an obvious sort of way having his son at my feet, begging for me. Such a fine manly lad, too, quite extraordinarily handsome. I’m sure you’re the apple of your father’s eye. There’s that in your favor, as far as I’m concerned. If you’re as intelligent as you claim to be, you should find a way of taking advantage of it.”

“I’ll try to. Thanks.” Jeff moved in to Mike until his body brushed against the short robe. He took Mike’s hands and lifted them and put them on his chest, reveling in the desire he felt in them. He leaned forward and touched his lips lightly with his own and drew back. “You don’t have a son, do you? Take me. You’ll be my father and my lover. I’m going to stay.”

Mike’s face was fleetingly marked by deep lines of strain and then the mocking smile came. “If you’re happy on the floor, I couldn’t care less one way or the other.” The first lesson, one which his wives had always had great difficulty learning: if anybody chose to attach themselves to him, they did so on his terms.

“Good. Whenever you feel like fucking, just say the word. That’s when I’m really yours.”

“We’ll think about that in the morning.”

“I certainly will.” Jeff released Mike’s hand and moved away. He took a cushion from a chair and the cover that had been folded at the foot of the bed and stretched out where Mike could touch him if he wanted him. He closed his eyes and listened to Mike moving around the room and wondered if he would be capable of leaving him on the floor. The light snapped out. He heard the creak and rustle of the bed. Then there was silence except for their breathing. Jeff held his for an instant to synchronize it with Mike’s and smiled as they inhaled and exhaled together. That was one form of union his lover couldn’t deny him.

At dawn, a brisk northerly breeze sprang up, keeping the temperature down in spite of the blazing sun that rose from the eastern sea. All over the island, bodies stirred and moved toward their partners in the unexpected comfort of being cool.

Sid Coleman and Dorothy, his girl, lay side by side naked in bed. They had started the day, as usual, by sharing a joint. They took long puffs on it, holding the smoke in their lungs so that when they exhaled, little emerged. They lay straight and flat on their backs with nothing over them.

“Holy moly! This stuff is terrific,” Sid exclaimed as he passed the dwindling stub to Dorothy. “Look at me, darling. Hey,
look
at me! Coleman the great Erector Set. What would you say to a nice sophisticated little blow job? How about that, darling? Do you realize we have about three thousand dollars’ worth of this stuff under that rock in the courtyard? Dimitri is a genius.”

“Be quiet,” Dorothy said in a voice that drifted from some remote reverie. “I’m beginning to see it all clearly. I’m going to be able to put it all into simple words that even you’ll be able to understand.”

Coleman’s body was rocked with laughter. “How can you speak, how can you even
think
with a situation like this staring you in the face? You must be going mad with desire. Aren’t you a woman? Hey, aren’t you a
woman
? Now wait a minute. That’s a question that requires investigation. Maybe I’ve been sleeping with a goddamn boy.” He slipped a hand between her thighs and made a thorough exploration. “Reassuring. But you can’t trust anybody these days. Maybe you’ve had an operation. Come clean, darling. I don’t have any prejudices against boys. I just like to know where I stand.” He lifted himself on one elbow and gazed down at her breasts, flattened but still ripe and generous and as evenly tanned as the rest of her. He traced the curve with one finger and stroked the nipple. There was no reaction. “Hey, you must be dead or something. Darling, speak to me. Say something. Are you dead?”